One Shot... Just telling you up front.

Complicated
Rating: R
Pairing: P/J
Author: BlondieBear21
AN: I am in no way affiliated with Dawson’s Creek or Carolyn Dawn Johnson, I’m a poor college student trying to find a distraction.

I'm so scared that the way that I feel,
Is written all over my face,
When you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place,
We used to laugh, we used to hug,
The way that old friends do,
But now a smile and a touch of your hand,
Just make me come unglued,
It's such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth,
Is it fact or fiction the way I feel for you.

I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone more than once in your life, to be willing to throw everything you have out the window for some minute chance at something you’'ve had before that just crashed and burned, but take it from me you can and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. I guess I should start at the beginning back in high school we were together and it ruined a lot of things for the both of us friendships with other people and the friendship between each other that it took us a year to forge. I almost walked away from him then with out ever giving it a chance but I didn'’t, I took the chance, the chance of a lifetime and I was happier in that year than I had been in the previous 17 years of my life and now I’m thinking about taking that chance again. Every time I see him it’s like there are a million butterflies in my stomach all rumbling around fighting with each other making me want to throw up everything I hate that day and yet they make me feel better than I ever had previously in my life.

It's so complicated, I'm so frustrated,
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay,
Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel,
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated.

Yesterday morning I went for coffee on my way to class and there he was sitting in the coffee shop I go to every morning and I just wanted to shout out to the world that I’m falling back in love with him, but I didn'’t I simply got my coffee and went over to say hi to him because after all we’re just friends. God that whole statement is so wrong, ‘we’re just friends’ after the relationship we had for a year I don’t think we could ever be just friends again and yet that is the role we have been scripted, the role I want to throw out the window and forget all about, the role that doesn't seem worth the time or energy it takes to keep up. Who cast our roles you may ask, well our best friend cast them a long, long time ago and we were able to shed them once, but not without almost destroying what we had with the aforementioned best friend. I don’t care anymore, well I do but not nearly as much as I thought I did, it doesn'’t seem worth it to care considering the person who expects us to play these roles is on the other side of the country pursuing his life’s dream so why aren'’t we allowed to pursue our dreams, simply because of him, well for a long time I thought that way but I don’t anymore at least I tell myself I don’t and I try really hard not to but sometimes that 15 year old girl creeps back into my soul and makes me care no matter how hard I try not to.

Just when I think I'm under control,
I think I finally got a grip,
Another friend tells me that,
My name is always on your lips,
They say I'm more than just a friend,
They say I must be blind,
Well I admit that I've seen you watch me,
From the corner of your eye,
Oh it's so confusing I wish you'd just confess,
But think of what I'd be losing,
If your answer wasn't yes.

My friend Jen tells me all the time that he’s still in love with me, Jack tells me that he’s still in love with me, hell he’s told me before that he’s still in love with me but I don’t know if I trust any of them I don’t know if I trust myself. The one thing I trust is the one thing I'’ve never trusted before, my feelings and I know what they are, I know I love him more than I can ever begin to express and yet at the same time I’m deathly afraid to even try to express them. We almost got back together once, after we got locked in K Mart overnight but that didn’'t happen, I’m not quite sure why, I know that I was scared and I know that that was the main factor in my decision but I regret that decision more than I regret things that were said and done that ruined our relationship the first time around. How do I do it, how do I tell him how I feel without facing the possibility of making a complete fool out of myself, I guess I don’t and that’s the point of facing up to what I want and taking control of the situation and doing something about it and making things the way I want them, I might have to try that some time.

I hate it 'cause I've waited so long for someone like you,
Should I say it,
Should I tell you how I feel,
Oh I want you to know,
But then again I don't,
It's so complicated.
-Complicated
Carolyn Dawn Johnson

I’m going to tell him, tomorrow I’m just going to go up to him and say listen Pacey I’m in love with you and I know you still care about me and I want you back in my life. God I hope I can do it, I hope I can have the strength to do, I hope I can keep up my resolve and try to do it. Well I suppose we will see soon enough if I’m strong enough to get back the one thing that means more to me than anything else in the world.

The time has come, I’m finally going to tell him how I feel, I’m going to open up, and lay everything on the line come hell or high water. That’s why I’m standing outside his apartment, still after the past two hours trying to gain the courage to walk up those steps and knock on his door, that’s the hardest part about this whole situation, getting up the nerve to take the first step towards making myself happy.

Knocking on his door, finally three hours after I got to his building I stand and wait for him to open the door, seeing the shock written clearly across his face when he opens the door and sees me standing on the other side.

“Jo, wow did I know you were coming over or was this a surprise visit,” Pacey asks me.

“Strictly surprise, but can I come in Pace I sort of need to talk to you about something that’s pretty important,” I tell him as he still stands in the doorway.

“Oh yeah sure, come on in don’t mind the mess, you know me not much of a neat freak,” he tells me as he backs away from the door a little unsteadily.

Which makes me feel good to know he’s nervous that I’'ve caught him off his game, which is a very rare occurrence in the life of Pacey J. Witter. I smile at him as I enter his apartment and see his clothes haphazardly strewn across the apartment and realize no matter what has happened he’s still the same boy I fell in love with at 17.

“How’s everything going” I ask him as I take a seat on his couch, avoiding the real reason why I’m there.

“It’s ok, heard from Danny today he’s opening up a new restaurant and wants me to come back to work for him,” he tells me from his perch on the coffee table in front of me.

“Look Pace,” I begin taking his hands in mine, glad that he chose to sit so close. “I know things haven’t always been easy for us to say the least, but I, uh… don’t really know how to say this other than to just say it so I guess that’s what I’ll do, I’mstillinlovewithyou.”

“What was that Jo, I couldn'’t really understand you,” he tells me with a smile “cause for some unknown reason it definitely sounded like you said you were still in love with me.”

“That’s because that is what I said, Pace. I know we had a second chance last year and I blew it, and I regret that more than you will ever know and I guess that’s what I’m asking you for, a chance to right my wrongs that I’'ve made in our more recent past,” I try to explain.

“Wow, well I wasn’'t expecting that. I mean I’d hoped for it, for a long time but I never expected you to actually come out and feel the same way I do, it’s a bit of a shocker to say the least,” he says with a small smile. “But I’m not real sure what exactly you want me to say here Jo, I get that you want to give us another chance, but it just seems a little out of the blue to me.”

“It’s a little out of the blue to me too, but I knew a year ago that I still cared about you and I guess it just took me this long to get up the nerve to face up to what I felt and say to hell with the consequences and what may or may not happen,” I tell him grinning like a fool.

“Well, well, well” he says with a chuckle, “little Joey Potter’s finally all grown up and not afraid of what other people may think about how she feels.”

“Yeah laugh it up Pace, I just put my feelings on the line like I haven’t in a really long time and all you can do is sit here and make fun of me.”

“I’m not making fun of you Potter, god that’s the farthest thing from what I’m doing,” he tells me as he moves to the couch wrapping his arms around me. “I’m just not sure what to do or say, because we all know I have a knack for never saying the right thing at the right time.”

“Here’s an idea out of left field, shut up and kiss me you idiot,” I told him laughing.

And that was just what he did, he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me until I couldn't breath. And I guess that’s all I’m going to tell you for the time being because well, what’s a story without a little mystery.