Ola, people. This is a new foray for me in the Janet Evanovich series. Those of you who are familiar with my writing know that I'm the queen of drama, angst, and sex. Comedy is a real stretch for me. So, you can expect all those things in this story. I hope you might like my take on this story.

PLUM CRAZY

CHAPTER 1- I NEED YOU

I rolled over and opened my eyes. Slurp! I got a face full of tongue. "Bob!" He scooted closer tongue wagging, eyes bright. I pushed him off the bed. Morelli was lying next to me on his back with his eyes closed. I wasn't sure if he was really asleep, or if he was pretending. I saw the edge of his lips twist into a smile. He lifted his arm, and I snuggled into his chest.

"What are your plans for today?" he said as he kissed the top of my head.

"I don't know. I was thinking of getting my car highjacked, my ass shot off, and then I'd blow up half of the Burg just for the hell of it."

"Give me a chance to stock up on my Maalox first."

I hadn't spent much time with Morelli lately, but last night he came over unexpectedly toting a pizza, beer, and Bob. He wormed his way into my bed with sweet talk and fast hands. The party that followed was nothing short of a fiesta.

"I was thinking," he said off the cuff.

"What?" I asked.

"I hate coming home to an empty house."

"Your house is never empty. Bob is always waiting for you."

He turned on his side to face me. "You know what I mean."

"Why don't you spell it out for me?" It sounded like a stupid question, but it really wasn't. Morelli and I had cohabitated before, but I always longed for my freedom and ended up back at my apartment. We'd talked marriage on occasion, but either one or both of us usually recanted citing one issue or another.

"I miss you," he said as he nuzzled my neck.

"You didn't miss me the last seven days. Why now?"

"You know I've been busy on this case. I haven't had the free time to devote to you."

"What about Wednesday night when you were playing pool with the guys?"

"Oh, you heard about that, huh?" he stumbled out an excuse. "I needed to blow off some steam." He paused and continued his thoughts. "I'm not trying to steal your freedom. I just want to come home and know you're there."

"You want me to sit around and wait for you to show up and take care of your dog." That was the way I saw it.

"Forget it." He rolled away and got up.

"Don't be mad. We've been in a good place. We haven't fought in months." I reasoned.

"Exactly! I thought maybe we were in that place."

"What place?"

"The settle down place."

"Let me think about it."

By now, Joe had thrown on a pair of pants and a sweatshirt. He had clothes in my apartment. I think he left things behind on purpose to stake his claim.

"I have to stop home. I'll take Bob. I'll see you later?"

"Sure."

Joe leaned in and kissed me briefly on the lips.

I floated into the office. Connie and Lula looked up from the crossword puzzle they were tag teaming.

"Check her out. She looks like she just jumped off of cloud nine," Lula bellowed.

"I'm still there, and I'm not jumping," I responded.

"Must be Morelli because the Wizard is still out of town," Connie concluded.

I ignored the comment. The Wizard was Ranger, and he had been gone for the better part of two months. My relationship with him was a mystery. It seemed he was available when it suited his purpose, and I was just available. Maybe, too available. What was once a flirtatious relationship had transformed into a full blown tear my clothes off, fuck me now, relationship. The problem was, when it was over, he would once again disappear into the shadows, and I was the one who felt like I had been… I know he cares about me. He's even killed for me. They said it was a suicide, but we all knew better. Abruzzi was scum, and no one would be willing to dig into it to prosecute Ranger.

"Any new FTA's?" I asked.

"Two," Connie said. "One is a real doozy. This guy is a teacher…high school. He had like the perfect life. Good job. Trophy wife. Kid. And then everything goes in the crapper. His wife cheats on him, and they get into it. He loses control and hits her. She has him arrested. She moves out while he's being booked. He goes on a drinking bender and shows up at school drunk. One of his students reports that he smells alcohol on his breath, and the guy gets busted for drunk in public two days before his court date for the domestic violence. He lost his job, and now he's FTA."

"I'm never getting married," I said flatly.

"Good to know."

The voice came from behind me. I spun around and found myself chest to chest with Ranger.

"When did you get back?"

"Just now."

We were caught in each other's gaze.

"You look different," he exclaimed.

Great. He's been gone, and I've been eating like a pig and gained a few pounds. It figures he would be the one to notice. "Have I got jelly on my face?"

He grimaced. "I can't put my finger on it."

He creased his eyebrow and looked at me hard before he finally backed up. He tossed the body receipt on Connie's desk and nodded towards Vinnie's office.

"He in?"

"Yeah."

Ranger crossed the room and disappeared in Vinnie's office. Lula and Connie were staring at me.

"What?" I said in frustration.

Lula raised her eyebrows. "Nothing." She grabbed a file and opened the filing cabinet in an attempt to feign that she was busy. Connie lowered her head.

"So, who's the school teacher guy?"

"Some dude named Mateo DeNunzio."

The name drew an instant memory to my high school years…more important, my prom. "Mattie?"

"Yeah, you know him?"

"Oh my god! He took me to the prom!"

"Small world," Lula replied. "Did you let him boff you?"

"It was the prom!" I said in my defense.

At that moment, Ranger exited Vinnie's office.

"Hey, Ranger," Lula bellowed. "Did you go to your prom?"

Ranger looked over to me again, still puzzled. He was stone faced as he left the office.

I scrunched down on the couch with the file in my hand. "Mattie—I can't believe it." I rifled through the file. Everything Connie said was in there. No priors. Lived over in Hamilton Township, probably in a beautiful split level ranch in one of the newer developments.

I picked up the other file. Drug dealer. Richard Kaiser, AKA Ricky the Fix—I hated his name. My first husband was named Richard AKA Dickie, and he was definitely a dick. This was Ricky's fifth arrest. He'd been in and out of the system. Known to carry a weapon, although never been arrested for using it. Lived on Stark Street. Not a great neighborhood. His picture surprised me. He was rather nice looking for pond scum.

Lula plopped down beside me. "You want me to go with you to pick up the prom king?"

"No, I'd rather do it alone."

"I'm bored. I want to get out of here. Let's go to Cluck-in-a-Bucket."

If I was getting noticeably fat, the last thing I wanted to do was eat fried chicken and biscuits. "Okay, come on. We'll go check out Ricky the Fix."

"Shoot, Ricky? I know him. He used to be one of my regular customers. He's a minute man."

"A minute man?"

"Yeah, you know. Quick on the draw. I used to let him do me twice for the price of one on a count of he finish up so quick."

"He sounds like a real catch."

"Well, he deals, but he doesn't do the drugs. He's in it for the money."

"He can't be doing so well if he's living on Stark Street."

"Never could figure that out. He seemed to have a good business. His phone was always ringing."

We decided to take Lula's car, since she knew the 'ho's' on the corner would keep a watch on it for her while we were doing business.

Ricky lived in a ramshackle duplex. The front porch was dry rotted, and the third step was broken through. Obviously, someone had stepped down and gone right up to the knee. I did a quick check of my equipment—pepper spray and cuffs tucked into my waist back. Cell phone and stun gun in my purse. I left my gun in the cookie jar, which was new, since my original one had migrated from my apartment to Morelli's apartment the last time I was living with him.

I was back in my own apartment now that it had been fumigated. It seemed we were having a roach problem in the building. I hate bugs, but unfortunately, roaches are a part of life in Trenton. Morelli wasn't thrilled that I went back to my apartment, but he and I had reached an impasse on the marriage thing. I felt that if he couldn't marry a bounty hunter, then he shouldn't be living with one either. We still loved each other, and we couldn't stay away from each other—at least not for more than a few days at a time.

"You take the back," I said to Lula.

"I'm not going back there. There's no back porch."

Apparently, Lula had been privy to running out the back door in the past.

"What if he goes out the back?"

"Believe me, he won't."

"Get off my porch."

Lula and I both froze. "Who said that?" Lula questioned.

"I did. I know who you are, and I'm not going to jail, so get the fuck off my porch."

I looked up, and in the far corner, a camera was mounted on the ceiling of the porch. A speaker was mounted in the opposite corner.

"Richard Kaiser? My name is Stephanie Plum, and I'm a bond enforcement agent. You missed your court date. I was hoping you might accompany me down to the station, so we can reschedule."

"Tell you what, you strip down to a thong and suck my dick, and I'll go anywhere you want to go."

"She ain't no 'ho', you dumb fuck!" Lula bellowed.

"Well, I guess that will make it even more special. Take off Lula before I put a cap in your fat ass."

"Who you callin' fat?—Mr. Minute man?"

"It only took a minute because I wanted to get it over with. Now, Ms. Plum. I could definitely play some baseball with you."

Before Lula could respond, I cut the conversation short. "I'm not playing baseball with anyone. Are you going to come out or not?"

"Not."

"Fine." I turned to Lula. "Come on."

I stormed off the porch and marched back to the car.

"What are we going to do?" Lula asked.

"He's got to come out sooner or later."

"Right, and then I'm gonna shoot him in his bony ass and see how he likes it."

"Nobody is going to shoot anyone. You can spray him, and I'll cuff him."

"Okay, I can do that."

We sat in the car for about a half hour before Lula began to protest.

"I feel weak. I think my blood sugar is dropping. We need to get some supplies if we are going to do this stakeout shit."

"What if we leave and he comes out? I don't want to miss my chance."

"Fine, you hang out, and I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Tell me you are not going to leave me stranded, are you?"

Lula raised two fingers. "Scout's honor."

"That's the sign for a boy scout, not a girl scout."

"Well, who wants to hang out with a buncha girls anyway?"

"Fine," I conceded. "It shouldn't take you more than twenty minutes, right?"

"Twenty minutes, right." Lula said as she roared off down the street, music blaring.

Now that I was out in the open, it seemed I would either have to walk or hide. I figured walking was probably best. I hiked my purse up onto my shoulder and walked up the block. I had been walking back and forth about ten minutes when a beat up old Honda Accord passed me and pulled into Kaiser's driveway. Looks like Ricky's got some company. I continued to walk as if I had someplace to go, but I kept my eyes on the car. The door opened and it was Ricky, I think. He was on the phone, and he moved quickly to the house before I could get close enough to stop him. Even if I could stop him, what was I supposed to do with him? I didn't have any transportation. My curiosity got the best of me. I slinked my way across the street and squatted down behind Ricky's car. I crept to the driver's side and peered inside. I saw a briefcase in the front seat. What kind of drug dealer carries a briefcase? Now that I thought about it, he had a pretty sophisticated security system for a small time drug dealer, too. I snuck in close to the house. I was up against the house under a window. The problem was I wasn't sure where he was in the house. Shit! Where is Lula when I need her? Suddenly, I heard the booming bass, and I knew Lula was approaching. She drove slowly and parked across the street. She looked over at me, and her face transmitted the impending disaster.

In the blink of an eye, there was an arm around my waist and a very large knife pressed to my neck.

"Move, and I will slit your throat."

I stood frozen with fear.

"Ms. Plum, I'm guessing."

I nodded my head ever so gently. He reached for my pepper spray and my cuffs and tossed them about ten feet in front of me. His cologne wafted over me. He actually smelled good. He slid my purse off of my shoulder and tossed that as well. His hand returned to my waist and rested on my stomach.

"Hmmm, you look even better in person. Now, you ready to suck my dick?"

"No." I said trying to be brave.

"Too bad." His hand slid up my torso, and he clutched at my breast. "I'd hate to kill you. There are so many other things I'd rather do to you."

Suddenly, Lula came running across the street with her gun drawn. "Let her go, you maggot!"

He pulled me back a few feet. "Stop right there, or I'll kill her."

I sucked in my breath. Lula stopped.

"Put the gun down and get back in your car, Lula. I'll let your girlfriend go as soon as I finish talking to her."

My eyes were pleading with Lula not to do anything stupid. Lula just stood there.

"I said drop the gun!" he pulled the knife tight to my neck until he drew blood.

Lula gasped and dropped the gun.

"Go back to the car."

I knew he wasn't joking. "Do as he says, Lula," I cried out.

Lula turned and ran in her hot pink wedge platforms across the street and jumped into the driver's seat. She was wearing pink sweatpants with the word 'Princess' plastered across her ass like a billboard in silver sequins. I prayed this wouldn't be the last thing I would see if Ricky had the mind to slit my throat.

"Let me make this perfectly clear to you. I am not going back to jail. I have a business to run. You are in my way. Back off, or I'll take it that you have a thing for me, and I will get me some sugar Plum." He kissed my neck and then he licked me. "Mmmm, you taste good."

Ew! Yuck!

He dragged me towards the car with his hand tightly holding onto my breast. "Get in," he ordered.

"Why? You said you would let me go!"

"I don't know if Lula has another gun in the car, and I don't want that fat piece of shit shooting at me. I'll let you out when I think it's safe."

Ricky opened the driver's side door. "You count to a hundred before you try to follow me or she dies," he called out to Lula. I slid into the car from the driver's side. Ricky still had the knife pressed to my neck. He started the car and swung the car out of the driveway with one hand on the wheel. He put the petal to the metal as we hauled ass down the street. My heart was slamming in my chest. He drove about a mile and as we approached Route 1, he pulled to the side of the road. He placed his lips over mine tasting me with his tongue. "Get out, Stephanie Plum." He pulled the knife away from my neck, and I bolted out the passenger side door. I fell to the ground and used my legs to push myself away from the car.

The door slammed shut, and the car roared away down the on-ramp. I sat back on my hands trying to catch my breath. I was hyperventilating. I tried to wipe my lips, but it was too late. I was contaminated with Ricky the Fix slobber. I felt nauseous. I wanted to throw up. I would have put my head between my legs, but I knew I needed to get off the side of the road. I sucked it up and began to walk swiftly towards the nearest intersection in the hopes I might pass a business that I could duck into and possibly use a phone.

Suddenly, the sound of a siren blipped a quick warning that he was behind me. I swung around and saw Carl Costanza rolling up beside me. He came to a stop and immediately he and Big Dog bolted from the car.

"Stephanie, are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine." I didn't want them to know what had just happened.

"Lula called the station and said you had been abducted by Ricky Kaiser. She was freaking out. The whole station is out looking for you."

"Well, you found me, and I wasn't abducted. He just wanted to talk to me," I shot back.

"Your neck is bleeding," he pointed out.

"I'll live."

"Do you want to press charges?"

"No. Can you just take me back to Vinnie's?"

"Sure, Steph. Get in." He opened the back door, and I slid into the back seat. Carl pulled the mike and reported that I had been found, and it was all a mistake. He let them know that I was being returned to the bond office. As we pulled up, I could see that Morelli was already there, leaning against his unmarked car with his arms folding tightly across his chest.

As soon as we pulled up to the curb, Lula came running out of the office.

"Oh my god, white girl, I thought that son-of-a-bitch was gonna cut you in two! I woulda shot him, but I didn't want to hit you." She flung her arms around me. I was being squished by a full figured woman dressed like a pink Mylar birthday balloon, and smelling like fried chicken.

"I'm fine. He just didn't want you to follow me," I squeaked.

Morelli stepped forward in Lula's line of vision. "Uh oh," she sputtered. "I got a bunch of filing to catch up on." With that she rolled away and hightailed it into the office.

Morelli stepped into my immediate space. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Call me."

"Sure."

He kissed the top of my head and took off. Joe Morelli always shut down on me whenever I got hurt. He hated the fact that I was a bounty hunter. If he'd had his druthers, I'd be like my mother—cooking, cleaning, ironing, and raising the children. There were moments when I considered motherhood, especially when I when I was around my niece, Lisa—but those moments were short lived.

I considered going into the office, but I was exhausted. Instead, I hopped into my latest acquisition, a Mitsubishi Eclipse. Samuel Kingston down at Kingston's Used Cars had given me a sweet deal on it. It reminded me of a shark because the doors were reminiscent of gills. It was forest green, and I'd had it for a whole four months. I was hoping this one might defy the Stephanie curse of destruction.

I pulled into the parking lot. It was still early, so I managed to snag a space close to the door. As I approached the elevator, Mrs. Bestler, waved me forward. "You're home early. My! You have blood on your shirt!"

"Yeah, I got cut shaving."

"You need to get yourself an electric razor. They can be found on the second floor with home appliances."

"Good, take me to the second floor."

I stepped into my apartment and tossed the keys and my bag of magic tricks on the hall table. Rex peeked out of his soup can, blinked, and scurried back inside.

I walked immediately to the bedroom and stripped off my clothes. All I wanted to do was wash the smell of Ricky off of me, even if he did smell good. I stood in the shower for a good ten minutes. I wrapped myself in a towel and plopped on the bed. I fell asleep in minutes.

When I woke it was dark, and I immediately felt a presence in my bed. The scent was unmistakable.

"Late night?"

It was Ranger. He was sitting propped up against the headboard, legs extended, with his ankles crossed.

"Something like that."

"I knocked, just so you know."

I smiled. "Did you miss me?"

"I'm not the one wrapped in a towel for easy access." He reached across the bed and opened the towel. My body warmed to his touch.

"You expecting Morelli?"

"What if I said yes?"

He ran his finger along the swell of my breast. "I need you."

Ranger wasn't one to voice his needs, so the fact that he did was a cause for concern.

"Are you all right?"

"Rough trip."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. His soft, full lips made me melt into the bed. I lifted his shirt and ran my hands across his rippled abdomen. He moved to my neck and grazed his lips softly under my jaw line.

"You never answered my question," I whispered.

"Yes, I missed you."

I tugged on his shirt, and he helped me to pull it over his head. I immediately noticed his arm was wrapped in a bandage. I sucked in my breath.

"What happened to you?"

"I told you it was a rough trip."

At that moment, I felt a little queasy at the thought of Ranger having a rough trip. I could only assume it must have been a near death experience, and the fact that he seemed down was a definite indication that he wasn't upset over himself. I wanted to question him, but right now, he needed me, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

Ranger slid off the bed and undressed. He crawled over the top of me and began to kiss my belly. I hadn't eaten since this morning, and my stomach let out a low growl. He stopped and glanced up at me. "Are you hungry?"

"I'm starving."

"I'll take you out for dinner later."

He went back to snacking on me, and I laid back and enjoyed it. His scent wafted over me like aromatherapy. He slowly slid lower and parted my legs with his knee. He kissed my thighs, and the soft hair that led to my womanly place. As soon as his tongue touched me, I let out a soft coo. My knees bent, and my feet landed on his shoulders. He was in control. I bit my lip in an effort to prolong the intense pleasure I was feeling. I didn't want to climax, but my body betrayed me, and I couldn't help but push on his shoulders until my legs were straight, and Ranger sat up.

His lips fought the smile he was trying to contain. He lay on top of me, and then rolled over so I was on top. "Get on, babe," he said in a soft voice.

His cock was standing at the ready like a soldier saluting his superior. I mounted him slowly and guided him into me. It was a tight fit, and Ranger closed his eyes as he eased his shaft deeper inside of me. I could almost feel the stress and tension in his body melt with each stroke.

"Babe."

He reached up and grabbed a hold of the headboard giving me all the power. I took it. I reveled in it. I knew that the moments that Ranger gave up his control were few and far between. I was sweating and oddly enough, so was he. I could only assume that like me, he was trying to prolong the inevitable. I was at a point where I was squeezing my muscles together as I enjoyed the hell out of him. Finally, he reached for my hips and drove it home. He pulled me down hard and wouldn't let me up. He let out a guttural cry that surprised me. He grabbed me by the hair, pulled my face towards his, and kissed me passionately.

"Thank you, Babe."

I giggled. I felt giddy. I rolled off of him and headed straight for the bathroom. I felt re-animated. I bounced on the bed and snuggled into his chest.

Ranger wrapped himself around me and kissed me gently.

"Still hungry?"

"Famished."

I climbed into Ranger's Porsche Turbo. He was quiet which was not unusual for him. What was unusual was he reached over and punched the 'CD' button on his console, and salsa music filled the inside of the car. Ranger had never played music in his vehicles before. He seemed distracted. His beeper went off. He pulled it from his visor, checked it, and then put it back.

"Trouble?" I said in hopes to get him to talk.

"Just Hal checking in."

"Oh."

Silence again. Ranger headed to Hamilton Township and pulled up to a small restaurant nestled on the corner of a quiet street. The neon sign said Segovia's. He pulled around to the back of the restaurant and parked near the back door. He reached over, opened his glove compartment, and retrieved a key. He nodded to me.

"Babe."

I exited the truck and followed him to the back door. He unlocked it and entered the kitchen.

An employee looked up from his station deveining shrimp. "Carlos! You're back!"

He grabbed my hand. "This is Stephanie." He looked to me. "Steph, this is Eugene."

Eugene wiped his fishy hands on his apron and extended his hand to me. "Nice to meet you. Any friend of Carlos is a friend of mine."

"Thank you," I replied.

"Did you make paella tonight?"

"When do I not make paella?"

"We'll take two orders and a bottle of Garnacha Blanca."

"Right away."

Ranger led the way into the restaurant. It was dark, and the subtle ambience was inviting. It was a jewel hidden away in a neighborhood. Ranger held out a chair for me and then slid into a seat with his back against the wall. He still seemed distracted.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He flashed a hint of a smile but said nothing.

"Do you plan on talking to me, or are you going to sit in silence all night?"

"There's nothing to say."

"I get the feeling there is. You said it was a rough trip. What happened?"

"I got shot."

"You've been shot before. This is something else."

"Babe."

"Don't 'babe' me. I want to know what happened."

"Later."

The waiter approached the table with an ice bucket containing a bottle of wine. He opened it and poured a glass for each of us. Ranger raised his glass. "Vivir es terrible y luego solo la muerte nos espera."

"What does that mean? I asked.

He paused a few beats. "To life."

I thought that was an awful lot of words. I raised my glass tentatively and repeated his words. "To life."

He took a long pull finishing half the glass before he sat back against the wall. It looked as though he was drained. I hated seeing Ranger like this. The last time he looked like this was when his daughter had been kidnapped by a psycho, and he took the blame on himself. He also took three bullets to the chest, one to the shoulder, and one to the neck. I shuddered at the memory of seeing him shot at close range.

"Babe, are you cold?"

"No, I'm just worried."

"Worried about what?"

"You."

"Don't be."

"You know, you can't come into my home, seduce me, take me out to dinner, and then tell me that I'm not allowed to worry about you. It doesn't work that way."

"I'm not the one who died, okay?"

"Someone died?"

"Yes."

"Not Tank!"

"No."

"Who?"

"My cousin, Eduardo. He worked for me in Miami. It's my fault. I shouldn't have taken him with me."

"I'm sorry."

The waiter arrived with our dinner. He set it on the table, asked if there was anything else we needed, and went on his way. We ate in silence. I didn't like that Ranger blamed himself for his cousin's death. I tried to reason with him.

"You've taken me with you. If I died, would you put the blame on yourself?"

"I try never to put you in direct danger. When I take you with me, it's always because I am trying to protect you."

"Great, so you don't need me at all."

He reached out and took my hand. "I need you, tonight."

"As your concubine."

He was silent. Suddenly, his phone chirped. He answered it immediately.

"Yo."…"Where?"…"Pick me up at Segovia's." He hung up.

"I have to go. You take my Porsche back to your place. I'll talk to you later."

"Talk or screw?" I was angry that he only needed me for sex.

His eyes held mine for a few beats before he took two more bites, and then he signaled for the waiter.

"Box these up, please," he instructed the waiter.

His gaze fell upon me again. He wiped his lips with his napkin. "We'll discuss this later." With that, he got up, dropped his keys on the table, kissed the top of my head, and left.

The one thing I hated most about Ranger was his inability to have a good fight. I could always count on Morelli for a good blowup. With Ranger, it was like fighting with yourself.

The waiter brought the boxed food to me.

"How much do I owe you?' I asked since Ranger hadn't paid the bill before he left.

He smiled pleasantly. "Nothing. RangeMan has an account with us."