Please note: This story will be a collection of unrelated one-shots exploring a range of approaches to Quinn Fabray. It is not intended to be definitive in any way.
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Quinn's Diary
AKA
Girls do NOT want sex all the time
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9/1/09
I'm not really a bitch, you know. I'm just playing a role. I'm popular, the HBIC. The B is essential to the acronym; without it I wouldn't be in any sort of position of power. Admittedly I do have more than a little innate snarkiness, but then girls that try to be popular without at least a touch of the snark don't become anything. They just hang around on the fringes and nobody ever remembers them.
Sure, I'm kind of a bitch to that Berry girl, but she asks for it. She goes out of her way to annoy me, whether it's by speaking to me, or wearing those hideous sweaters. And then she goes after my boyfriend? Not going to happen. Never. I'll make sure of it.
And really, the whole thing is her fault. I never meant to choose her as a scapegoat. If she hadn't come up to me in our first week of school rambling that our shared but divergent religious beliefs gave us common ground, then maybe I wouldn't have had a panic attack and shot her down. Rachel was me at my old school – nerdy, religious, and close to no-one. Being less than nothing in middle school was bad enough; I couldn't bear it again.
There's something about that girl. No middle ground. She's either smiling as though she's trying out for the role of Queen of Sunshine, or she's looking like someone kicked her puppy. And she's always talking. I can't imagine how hard it must be to live with her; you'd never get a moment's peace and quiet. I just don't get her.
At least Finn is happy to have dinner in silence if I don't feel like talking. He's so considerate. He's also a gentleman, who doesn't try to push me. It's such a relief. Now I just need to work out how to get that harpy to back off and leave him alone before he starts getting any more ideas. It was bad enough having to offer to let him touch my breast (under the shirt, over the bra). But he chose Glee anyway.
Damn that Creature for trying to win him over. Nothing about my position can be in doubt, or they'll start questioning me. My virginity, my reputation, my sexuality. Just can't happen.
And girls do NOT want sex just as much as guys do. Curse that Thing for putting that image into Finn's head. It's lucky I didn't dive on it and tear its stupid head off. As soon as its outburst started I KNEW there'd be trouble, but trying to interrupt would be like stepping out into a flash flood.
But back to Finn. He's nice to me, and he makes me feel safe. I love him. I really think I do. I just don't want to have sex with him, or any guy until I'm married. Sure, I'm a prude, but at least I'm getting away with being a popular one.
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9/9/09
So much for being a prude. How did I go from not allowing contact below the waist, and only really allowing my boyfriend to touch my breasts over my clothes, to THIS? And with Puck, of all people? I don't even like him. He's Finn's best friend, but we have nothing in common. He's into girls, and sex, and sport. He's a jerk and a juvenile delinquent. I once caught him setting a motorbike on fire, and when I questioned him, he claimed its owner had flipped him the bird. As if that justified it.
So what happened with Puck? Well, don't ask me. Okay, so I was a little cut up after watching Finn with that Thing in that horribly inappropriate dance. Finn was awkward at first, but too into it near the end, with Berry all "up on this." On him. What does she have that I don't? Sure, the dance made me notice that her legs are kinda hot, but Cheerios has been keeping me in pretty good shape. I shouldn't hate myself, but sometimes I can't help it; I'm a teenage girl. So maybe I went to Santana's party, and had a drink or two more than usual. (Which is to say any at all.) And then Puck was there being all sympathetic and bringing me drinks. Then he drove me home. Things got pretty hazy after my seventh wine cooler, but I remember his kiss, all confident and teasing. Challenging, even. And I remember saying yes, even though my brain was telling me all the reasons I should say no. Finn. God. My parents. My popularity. But I just wanted to forget it all for a while. And he looked so sincere when he said I could trust him. (I'm sure he knows what he's doing. Right?)
Finn can never know. Doesn't have to know. There's nothing to know – I'll just try to forget it ever happened.
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9/16/09
So I never thought I'd say this, but I joined the Glee club. I need to keep an eye on Finn and that Creature. I don't trust her to keep her claws out of him. It was awesome being a spy for Ms Sylvester up until Dakota Stanley got fired. It started out fun: S and B and I had even placed bets on who would quit first. (S won. B picked "the robot or the capital G gay" – her words – and I picked Tina or Mercedes.)
I must confess that I'm disappointed that Finn was the first to quit despite having refused to leave Glee for me, even when I was willing to compromise for him.
But then Berry's inspirational speech made me realise something: If you believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down. I even told Ms Sylvester my epiphany. She didn't look impressed, but she also didn't say a word against it. It seems that Berry, despite her irritating nature, her inability to dress her age, and her annoying levels of self-confidence, has some kind of ability to inspire and support others. Still, I'm sure she did it for herself: without the others, there would be no Glee Club. But there was something in what she said. New Directions IS different to Vocal Adrenaline, and it's not just the fact that most of McKinley's club are misfits. There's a heart to the club, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think it's Rachel Berry herself.
I wonder if I could use that against her? Against Glee? More to the point, do I really want to? Despite my earlier conviction that I would tear her down and get my boyfriend back, I'd rather try to believe in myself than rip out the heart of a club that's willing to accept people who have something different to offer. There must be another way.
Ugh. I just read that over, and I can't believe I said that. Am I going soft?
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10/15/09
Okay, I'm screwed.
I try to deal with issues, except when there's nothing I can do, in which case I ignore them and hope they'll go away. So I was just going to pretend that whole thing with Puck never happened. How was I to know he hadn't pulled out in time? I didn't even know what that meant, not really. Sure, I'd caught a fleeting look of worry at the end, but I thought he was just thinking how he'd betrayed his best friend. Oh crap, Finn. What the hell am I going to tell him? He can't ever know the truth.
Puck's nothing but a Lima loser, and I HAVE to get out of this place. I have to graduate, and be one of the two people from our year to get into college in another state. I have to get away from my parents. That house. It's never felt like a home. We can never talk about anything real. I guess that's my problem with trying to deal with issues; I've been so used to trying to push bad feelings aside that I don't know what to do when it's just not possible. I love my parents – they're my parents, how can I not? – but I've sensed for years that their love is conditional. If I never disappoint them, I'll be okay. (So much for that plan.) Okay, so my mother loves me, but she's under my father's thumb and I don't think she has the guts to oppose him, or even resist him in the smallest way. They can't ever know about this.
I can't possibly keep the baby. But I have to deal with my mistakes and I can't have its death on my conscience either. I just need to find some way to hide the truth. I know they say that the truth will set you free, but it wouldn't for me. The truth could make me more alone than I've ever been in my life. I doubt I have anyone who would stand by me through this, not if they knew the truth. (Puck. The baby. My hypocrisy.)
That thought makes me feel more alone than anything.
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10/21/09
I'm so screwed.
The secret's out. My parents still don't know, but everyone in Glee does. I feel sick. It's like I can see the cliff I'm going to fall from and die, but I'm helpless to stop myself sliding towards it. It's torture.
And that Berry girl won't leave me alone. She's coming after me being all supportive wanting me to return to Glee. What's with her? She pursues my boyfriend and plagues my life, but then acts all supportive, claiming she can relate to what I'm going through? Yeah, like she ever screwed up her whole life by letting herself get knocked up by the local manwhore. Damn it all to hell.
And the worst part was that I could see the empathy in her eyes. She wasn't judging me; wasn't looking down on me. She honestly cared, and that's what really threw me. It actually made me consider her request. Even made me admit to drawing those disgusting images. I still don't know why I did them. It was after she went after Finn. After Push It. I couldn't get her out of my head, judging me, rubbing her perfect little body in my face. Metaphorically, obviously. Ew. So I drew her, brought her down, exorcised those images from my mind.
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10/29/09
She's still going after Finn. And he's totally into her, I can see it. And now she's trying to stop the avalanche and keep my secret from suffocating me. But it's for Finn. Not me.
I hate it.
The thought of Berry giving her underpants to Jewfro makes me uncomfortable. He's such a creep. It's demeaning, but I can't defend myself or he'll know for sure he's onto something. It's terrifying knowing my future lies in the hands of a couple of freaks.
Why her? Finn could have gone after any girl in the school, and he chose her. Why? Does she have beer-flavored nipples? Ugh, what a horrible thought. Must be a guy thing. And what do they care about nipples anyway? Puck certainly didn't.
Ugh. Enough of this. I read a good book today. The first Alanna book by Tamora Pierce. I love her female characters. They're so strong and independent and they fight their own battles. I wish I could be more like them.
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11/11/09
My life is officially over.
Ms Sylvester found out, and told Jewfro to publish it on his blog. It'll be all around the school by tomorrow.
I'll be known forever as that girl who was stupid and whoreish enough to get knocked up at 16. They won't care that it was my first and only time. I'm gossip's bitch.
My head hurts from crying, but I can't stop. I'm never going to get out of here.
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11/13/09
They sang to me. The Glee club. I'm still in shock. Rachel was actually right. They stuck by me. They're still supporting me despite all the gossip, all the rumors. And they sang to me. Finn and Rachel sang to me.
Finn was sweet. He held my hand, he danced with me, he sang to me. But I just don't get Rachel. She looked so damn sincere. Why would she care? I've treated her like crap. I even told her I would've tortured her if she'd been me, but she gave Jewfro her underwear, and she sang to me. Is this all part of her game to win Finn? But then I remember the look in her eyes when she sang, and I know she meant every word. I don't know why or how it happened, but she cares. I doubt she's given up on Finn, but for now, I think he's mine.
It's a bittersweet victory.