A/N: I'm pretty sure my old readers know that I know that I shouldn't be starting on new projects all the time, and know already that I am deeply sorry for my scattered muse. New readers were probably pretty discouraged to read right now, but I swear I will finish all of my projects at one point or another... with the possible exception of Tell Laura, LYOD and Via Dolorosa, because they hate me. I will however focus mostly on my newer projects for the moment (a possible exception here is A Human Heart and Harry Snape) and I hope you will forgive me for that.

Prologue

When their son was eight, Patrick and Simone Lupin sat him down and explained to him the concept of werewolf mating. They both wished that it could've waited, but they had read about werewolves finding their mates when they were no more than ten years old, and they weren't going to risk it. Remus had to know, he had to understand. If he didn't, god knew what he might do, and perhaps with a total stranger; perhaps when he was still just a child.

But Remus didn't react like they had expected. Well, to tell the truth, they hadn't known what to expect, because how did you react to hearing something like that? Still, they had been sure that there would be some kind of reaction, but the boy just sat there, nodding, as if what they had said wasn't going to condemn him, robbing him of the most important choice a human being makes in her life. At their worried inquiries, Remus just shrugged.

"It's like in the fairytales. Love at first sight and then living happily ever after until you die. That's nice, right? At least when you're a grownup I suppose it is. But I'm not a grownup, so." He shifted forward on his seat, signalling that he thought this Talking To was over and could he please go play now?

Simone opened her mouth, wanting to say, But don't you understand? But she closed it even before her husband put a warning hand over hers, squeezing it. No, he didn't understand, and there was no telling when he would.

"You may go now, Remus," Patrick said with a tired sigh, and Remus quickly scooted off before his parents changed their minds. They watched him go, undoubtedly to play by himself down by the brook that crossed their garden; he had already learned to become a solitary child. Somehow, they were glad for it; had he been more social it would only have meant that he ran the risk of losing more friends.

"He will know what we're worried about one day," Patrick said, trying to be soothing even though this was the least helpful thing he could possibly have said. It was simply the truth, and maybe if he said it out loud it would get easier to bear, even though it certainly didn't seem so at the time.

"I know. I know." She pulled her hand through her blonde hair. "I just wish..."

"That he wouldn't have to. I know."

Chapter One

Or: How Remus learned to start worrying and hate fairytales

The day Remus did choose his mate – or rather, had his mate chosen for him – he finally understood why his parents had looked at him with such endless pity that day. Not that he had noticed back then, but as he now recalled the day with bitterness and much anger, he knew they must have. He would have hated anyone else for that pity, but they were his parents and he understood the frustration they must've felt back then. Understood it just a little bit too well, as a matter of fact.

Up to the point where his life was utterly ruined, it had been a fantastic day. Sunday, blue sky, crisp air; the kind of autumn day that seemed to bee nature's final swan's song before the long slumber. Sure, he and his boyfriend were still seeing each other in secret, and that sucked more than words could describe. But they had gone for a stroll around the lake, enjoying the day and having a private snog away from prying eyes that wanted to know all about 'Remmy's girlfriend'. And then they went back and parted their ways with a last, sweet kiss, and Remus went to go hide in the library for a few hours before facing the teasing and jibes from his best friends.

As he walked through the castle, he ignored the soft voice at the back of his mind that identified every smell his somewhat over-sensitive nose could register; that pushed and tugged and fed him small pieces of instinct and emotion that he with practised ease suppressed. No, you didn't growl at people who looked you in the eyes; yes, that was food you smelled but there was no need to defend it; no, you certainly did not try to smell the attractive teacher's butt. The wolf part of him replied with frustration and confusion; she couldn't understand this strange creature that was controlling the body that was supposed to be hers. Neither one of them could understand the other – even though Remus liked to think that he did – because he was a human and she was a wolf, no matter what form they were currently in.

She was angry, because she was almost always the observer, and never the one in control. Not even when the moon was full and they were in her form, because then she was gripped by a fury that rode her all night and forced her to seek endlessly for prey. It was easier, true, since her strange pack mates had arrived, but the fury never fully went away.

But there was one thing she did have control over, something that was hers through the curse that bound them both together, and therefore could not be taken from her. She did not gloat, because she could not see how this could be any other way, it was her task, but she did feel a sense of urgency now. She needed to tell him, and very soon. Before he gave himself to anyone else than the chosen one. Once he was told, there was nothing he could do; he would have to succumb.

Remus felt that she was restless, and reluctantly opened up somewhat to her part of their shared mind so they could speak.

- What is it? He filled his thought words with irritation and reprove, so that she would know that he would not be amused if she was toying with him. As if she ever was.

- There is something you need to know. You need to sit down, be calm and listen.

Remus felt her mood like a strange pulse behind the words – something like fear, or perhaps it was impatience, and what seemed to be a subdued, serene kind of joy – but since her mind was so different from his, he couldn't make out the reason.

- Very well, he replied grudgingly, I suppose I might.

He felt that she was amused by his resentfulness, but also a bit worried, and didn't know if that should cause him to feel glee or concern.

At this very point, Remus' secret boyfriend was somewhere in the castle, fretting over whether or not he should let Remus make their relationship official. Remus had been nagging again, saying that those who really matter would accept them, as if he didn't know that. And he wondered if he was just being stupid, if he was making a fuss over nothing, but the mere thought of people knowing, of people looking at him and thinking, 'Gay,' made his skin crawl.

One among this motley dramatis personae soon to be mentioned – although clearly not Lily – also bore the identity of this secret lover, and in due time it will be clear who it was. And also, even more so, who it wasn't.

Sirius was in his bed, reading, unaware of the hell that would soon be set loose over his head.

James was writing in his diary, which is what he called it when he was writing love poems, although nothing, not even hellfire and wild horses would ever be able to force it out of him.

Peter finally gave up on trying to do his homework and rolled over to try to take a nap.

In their common room Taylor McKinnon, Ravenclaw prefect, and Charles Kerley, his best friend, were seated by one of the large windows. Taylor was prattling on happily about nothing much, Charles was humming noncommittally, gazing out of the window with a distracted look upon his face.

Severus Snape was pacing his deserted dormitory, face pale in the gloom, hands clenching and unclenching rapidly.

Lily Evans was playing baseball with some friends down by the lake.

Thus was the set arranged when the wolf dropped her news on Remus and let him know that his Happily Ever After had just been rather radically compromised. Watch them scramble as we set them in motion...

Once she had gotten him to sit down, she wasted no time to lay waste to his life, or so it seemed to Remus later. Right then, he merely noticed that she was acting in a hurried manner that was unusual for her.

- It is my task to choose the one we will mate with. This you know.

Remus was suddenly glad that he was in the library, and relatively alone. As alone as he ever was. He grasped the armrests of his chair tighter, suddenly in desperate need to touch something that was real, to make sure the world wasn't going to slip away now that all certainties seemed to be swept away from him.

- I thought it was already decided, he replied, his very thought weak with anxiety.

- Why would you think that? He felt genuine surprise in her thoughts. It is my decision to make, this has been made clear to you.

- Yes. Yes, I know that. But I thought... it is meant to be what is best for us...

- But it is up to me to decide.

Remus was cold with dread now, yet clinging desperately to the faint hope that it was just her methodical way of speaking that made her appear insensitive to the choice he had made, to his feelings. Surely the most practical thing to do was still to choose a mate that he agreed on.

- I first thought that a mating to a female would be necessary, she continued, as if unaware of what was transpiring in his mind, though of course she wasn't. After all, the point and purpose of mating is reproduction, although of course exceptions have to be made if one cannot feel attraction for one of the opposite sex. Since that is not the case here, this is what I first decided to do. However...

- Yes? He reached out to her in desperation, but met only a strange, composed kind of reasoning that he had no hope of understanding now, with his mind so engulfed in fear.

- I discovered another way, she answered, and at least it appeared that she wasn't unmoved by the turmoil she caused in him. Since you obviously still seem to prefer males. I found a way that will still allow reproduction.

Remus didn't understand, his mind felt blank and numb and clumsy as he sought to grasp what she meant.

- Reproduction? How would that even be possible?

And there was triumph she could not hide in her mind when she answered.

- I reproduce, not you.

Time froze.

- You...

- It is perfect, she replied, and suddenly Remus felt strangely alone, for now it was as if she no longer noticed him at all; pure jubilation seemed to flood the link between them and sweep her away with it. You will get a desirable male, and I will mate with him when the moon is full, I will carry the cubs, I will be the mother.

She felt such frantic longing now, such a painful need, that for a moment Remus was truly moved by it too. For a moment he was perfectly in tune with her being, and knew what it was like, felt as if it was his longing too what it was like to yearn for nothing but being a mother, to see your cubs grow up with pride, to...

And then the full extent of what she had said sank in, and he understood the sacrifice she wanted him to make.

"No!" he gasped, aloud this time, leaping to his feet as if there was any way to escape. "No. I can't do that. Not Sirius. No."

Sirius was just about to put his book away when Remus came crashing through the door with a wild, panicked look upon his face. He stormed over to Sirius and seemed to be on his way to tear him from the bed, when he halted. It almost seemed to Sirius as if he was reluctant to touch him.

"Sirius, come. We need to talk."

Sirius stood up, bewildered, and cast confused glances at James and Peter before turning to follow Remus, whose footsteps were already clattering down the stairs. James and Peter watched him go, feeling respectively concern and unease.

Sirius had to run to catch up with Remus, who was taking the steps two at a time and didn't seem like he was going to stop anytime soon. Sirius tried to distract him, perhaps even get him to slow down a bit by talking to him, but it didn't seem to do much good.

"Moony! Slow down, will you? Oi, Moony, the common room is practically empty; we can talk there, right? No? Okay, fine. Where are we going? Moony?" And then, once they got through the portrait hole, and he finally got a good look on Remus' face, he added in a softer voice. "Hey, Remus? Remus? Have you been crying?"

Remus finally slowed, looking tormented but determined as he chewed on his lower lip in an obvious attempt to suppress some kind of emotion.

"Have you?" Sirius demanded to know, once more, lifting a hand to place it on Remus' shoulder, hoping to give comfort. Remus shied away, looking instead greatly discomforted.

"Yes. Do you think we can talk in here?" He gestured at a spare classroom they normally used if an accident should occur in their ordinary ones. Sirius poked his head inside, finding it empty except for the Bloody Baron, who gave him an empty, unpleasant stare and floated through a wall.

"Now we can. It's empty. Come on, let's hear what's happened."

Remus didn't look at him when he walked past, but as he went to stand by one of the windows, Sirius could see new tears clinging to his lashes. He went to stand beside his friend, careful not to get too close; he was somewhat hurt by how Remus seemed to cringe even to look at him, but much more worried.

"Come on, Moony. Tell me what's wrong."

Remus drew a deep breath, letting it out slowly through his nose, and he appeared to be trying to regain control over himself. Sirius had a feeling it wasn't working very well, as Remus raked a hand trough his hair and grimaced sourly.

"When you were researching about werewolves to see if I was one," an odd, wry little smile, "did you find anything on werewolf mating?"

The question came completely out of the blue, and Sirius had to think a while before answering. "Well, no... or, yes, there was a chapter on it, I think, but that wasn't really what we were looking for, so we never read it."

"Of course not," Remus sounded somewhat... disappointed? Or just tired? "Well, I'll give you the short version then. We mate for life. We find one person, and that is it. Once our wolf has decided to select a mate, we are bound to them until we die. This means we cannot..." He hesitated, looking a bit uncomfortable, but then he plunged on, his voice now very crisp and academic: "...we cannot experience sexual release with anyone but our mate, and thus our choice of partner – provided we want to have any kind of sexual relationship with them – is limited to this one person. Do you understand?"

Sirius was blushing as he nodded. Even though he hardly was a stranger to talking about sex – or, for that matter, to sex in itself – Remus' words, sounding like they came directly out of a schoolbook, or worse, his mother's mouth, was a pretty far cry from swaggering locker-room talk. "Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but you completely lost me at the why," he said, trying to conceal his embarrassment.

"Because I have found my mate." Remus looked completely deadpan.

"Okaaay..." Sirius was unsure where he wanted to get by this. "And? What?"

"And I am deeply unhappy with the choice. It is not one I would have made for myself."

"Oh." Sirius realised the full impact of the words after a few seconds, and his face softened in sympathy. Now, when he reached out, Remus allowed him to rest a compassionate hand on his shoulder. "Merlin, Moony, that is terrible. Is there... I mean, is there no way...?"

"No. No way to change it. I'm stuck."

"Fuck." Sirius pondered this for a few seconds, finding no words that held no real comfort, nor any delicate enough way of asking what he wanted to know. "I'm so sorry Remus," he said, feeble words comparing to how Remus must feel right now. He hesitated only a moment before continuing to ask him the obvious question, because he'd have to ask sooner or later. "Who is it?" The horrible thought had already struck him that it was Lily, and he wanted Remus to kill that dreadful suspicion stone dead. If he could.

There was silence for several minutes, Sirius waiting anxiously for Remus who appeared to be gathering strength. Then harsh breath sounded between gritted teeth, and Remus uttered one word:

"You."

"I what?"

"You. It is you. My mate is you. Do you need to hear it any plainer than that?" Remus was positively snarling at him, but Sirius stared at him as if every word had been in Swahili.

"What do you mean, me? I'm a bloke, Remus. It's impossible."

Remus growled – Sirius could've sworn it was an actual growl – in frustration, staring at Sirius as if though he was stupid. "No, it is not impossible. A guy who spends so much time calling other people faggots can hardly be oblivious to that."

"But you're not a..." Sirius left the word hanging, unable to even pronounce it.

"Yes I am." Remus wasn't even going to try to explain the concept of bisexuality. It didn't matter anymore, would never matter again unless one of his best friends in the whole world died. "I am gay and you are my mate and what I want to know right now, Sirius, is how the hell I'm going to tell my boyfriend about that." He knew it wasn't the best way of telling him; that the anger was uncalled for and would only make this more difficult, but he was angry. Not with Sirius, of course, but the wolf, but he refused to even acknowledge her presence at the moment because the thoughts she was having about Sirius was making him feel sick. And besides, Sirius wasn't exactly helping, looking at him with disgust that he couldn't hide, no matter how hard he tried. And he did, Remus had to give him that.

"Look, as I think I made clear, I didn't chose. The wolf did. Because of Padfoot. He is the only canine she has ever met, so..." There was no need to tell the whole truth, after all. No matter what kind of delusions his wolf side seemed to have on the subject, Remus had been certain from the start that even if he would have allowed it, Sirius would never have touched him in human form, much less as Padfoot; the repulsed look on his face right now only confirmed it. "It has nothing to do with me fancying you, or even being attracted to you, okay? To me, you are a friend and nothing more. I will never touch you, never hit on you, and never ask anything like that from you." He sighed, looking away so that he wouldn't have to see the confusion and disbelief playing over Sirius' features. "I just thought that I should tell you about it, that is all. So that you don't think that I'm acting weirdly around you or anything."

Sirius was quiet for a while, and Remus didn't dare to look at his face to try to see what he was thinking. "So you have a... a boyfriend?" He said finally, choking somewhat on the last word, as if it was unpleasant to speak.

"Yes."

"And how long have you had this boyfriend?"

"Two years. And I've know I like guys all of my life, before you ask me that as well. I was just reluctant to tell you because I thought you might think that it was the grossest thing you've ever heard." He hoped that stung at least a bit. "And actually, I've been wanting to tell you lately, but he was still not sure. So I've been waiting for him. I wasn't going to tell people about him until he was ready, and I haven't changed my mind about that, so don't even ask the question."

"You could've told us about you and left him out of it." It appeared Sirius could not let the matter drop.

"Oh, please." Remus rolled his eyes. "As if you weren't spying enough on me when you thought it was a girl I was seeing. And besides," he felt his throat suddenly constricting and his eyes burning, "we wanted to come out together. As a couple."

Sirius looked up from where he had been studying his shoes when he heard Remus' voice break. He was leaning against the wall with an arm covering his eyes, but his back was shaking so badly that it did little to hide his tears. And even though the mere thought of him being Remus' mate made Sirius want to throw up; even though imagining Remus together with some bloke was absolutely disgusting... well, friends were friends, and you didn't bloody well let your friends cry.

He approached Remus awkwardly – suddenly unsure where the boundaries between buddy behaviour and suspicious behaviour went anymore – and put a clumsy hand on his back, patting it helplessly.

"Look, Remus, this is really weird and I don't know if I like it very much, but... we're still friends, right? And... and I'll be here if you need to talk, right? Because I imagine it's a bit worse for you. And your b... your boyfriend too, I suppose. So if you need me, I'm not going anywhere, right? And... and we'll work this out somehow, okay? Just wait and see."

Remus looked up at him gratefully through red-rimmed eyes, and Sirius sighed deeply to himself, wondering if he'd gone mad, before wrapping his arms rather stiffly around Remus, slapping him a few times on the back to mark that it was just a manly, friendly hug. Remus didn't hug back, which was sort of a relief, but simply stood there and leaned his forehead on Sirius' shoulder, sobbing harder now. They stood like that for a long time, possibly because none of them knew where they were going from there.

A/N: Next up: Remus tells his boyfriend. Let's have a vote, shall we? Who thinks he is going to be pleased?