He loves her in a way that breaks him.
He sees her every day at work and it is the worst pain he has ever felt. He sees her but she never truly sees him. He is just Clark. He is only ever Clark. And that's all he can be to her here. He's the goofy man who adores her and can be pushed aside. He is the man who is always forgotten.
He's the man who buys her hotdogs and orange juice when she needs it, but never gets to share a real meal with her. The man she constantly gets partnered with, but the one she has never truly wished to know.
He always has to work with her, and he will never figure out how he really gets through that. But every morning he is still there. Every morning he finds himself waiting for her arrival through the Planet's doors. Waiting to be abused, waiting to be scolded. He hates himself for loving every minute of it. He hates himself for it, but he loves what she does to him. He loves it because it is still her.
Then there are days when he is Superman. Sometimes he thinks that is even worse. Lois constantly needs saving, and he is always there for her. Always. Whenever she is pushed out of a window, it is his arms that catch her. It's his chest that she falls into. And she is always so happy to be there. He can tell, because he used to feel the same way. He used to rejoice in the tightening of her hands in his. He used to cherish the closeness of her body and the pure love in her eyes.
Now he does not rejoice or cherish their moments. He craves them, but also wishes that she never had to be saved again. He wishes there was someone else there to catch her. He wishes there was someone else, because he needs her. And he wishes he didn't need her anymore.
He needs her presence, her embrace, her voice, her smile, and everything else she has to offer. As Clark he anticipates her annoyance towards him, even though it is hurtful. He relishes her love for Superman even though he cannot react the way he wants. He craves the pain because it is her and him. And he needs everything she has for him. He needs them.
And it is the worst pain he has ever felt.
He saves her from every crisis she has ever been in. And each one is harder and harder than the last. It becomes harder and harder every time he catches her, because all too soon he has to land. And when he does, he has to let her go. And then she walks away from him. But each time it is harder and harder to let her walk away. Each time it is harder and harder to move from the spot she has left him. Each time it is harder and harder not to follow her. Each time it is harder and harder to breathe after she is gone.
He wishes he didn't need her. He wishes that he could leave Metropolis forever and never look back. The truth is he wishes many things, but they all begin and end with Lois Lane. He likes to think, it is the one constant thing in his life. Wishing for her.
But most of all, he wishes he could let her go gracefully. He does not try anything or cross the line in any way physically, but that does not mean he is graceful.
She is with another man, and he wishes he could let her go gracefully. Letting her go gracefully would mean moving on. It would mean he would no longer fall asleep to the sound of her heartbeat or her breathing. It would mean when he finally did sleep, he would not see her in his dreams. And when he woke up he would not reach for her, even though she is never there.
He would not listen for her voice to call his name in the newsroom, and inwardly cheer if she did. It would mean he would have to stop wincing when she kissed Richard. He would have to stop hating himself for ever leaving her. He would have to stop thinking about the last time they kissed. He would have to stop wanting her to know everything.
And he would have to stop wanting to know everything about her.
It would mean he would have to stop loving her the way he did. And he knows that would never happen, no matter how much he wishes it. He would never stop. He could never stop. Stopping is impossible now. That is the fact that truly breaks him.
And he knows that he loves her in a way that breaks him too.