Dissolution
by: rjs0123
Addison Shepherd was not stupid. She watched in horrified fascination, unable to look away, as her husband vied with another man for the attention of Meredith Grey. From her hidden vantage point, she could see the deep hurt and resignation in Meredith's eyes as she looked from first one man to the next. She could see the repressed hope flare to life in her husband's eyes as he waited for Grey's decision. Her heart throbbed for the trio, aware that this situation didn't have any happy outcome. At least one, if not all of them, would be hurt before the night was through.
No, Addison Shepherd was not stupid. She knew that she was a part of that messed up, convoluted love knot. She knew the outcome of Meredith's decision could affect her life as well. It would no matter what the decision ended up being. She found it almost impossible to be mad at Meredith, though. Meredith was just as much a victim in this mess as she was. They were all victims if you looked at it a certain way.
And Addison Shepherd did not want to be a victim. Yes, her husband cheated on her. Yes, she had cheated on her husband. Yes, her husband had initially chosen her. Yes, he still loved Meredith Grey. These were the facts. What she did with them was up to her.
And with that realization, Addison wrenched herself from her perch. She didn't have to see the outcome of the nearly nonverbal match up that was occurring below her to know that her marriage was over. It had been for quite a while. And she would take the high road and leave of her own volition. Addison Shepherd would not beg, she would not plead, she would not debase herself trying to delay the inevitable.
She walked unseeingly to her car. She barely remembered any of the drive to the trailer, so caught up in memories was she. Glimpses of intimate conversations between Derek and Meredith. The way the atmosphere in the hospital had practically sizzled with the unresolved sexual tension between the two of them. Hearing Adele tell Doctor Webber that she wasn't the one Derek had been looking for when he came out after the Code Black.
Her own words echoed unceasingly in her head. The only people who don't know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith. Like she had told the chief, she just couldn't compete with that. And now that she saw that that was all she was doing, competing uselessly against some ideal that she wasn't going to measure up to, she was going to stop.
Thankfully, the trailer was empty. She hadn't thought that Derek would make it back before she did, but there was always that possibility. Silently, she moved through the trailer, picking up her belongings, and packing them methodically. She had to get out of here. Not necessarily out of Seattle or out of Seattle Grace but out of this trailer that symbolized nothing more than the irreconcilable differences between her and Derek.
Irreconcilable differences. That's what it said on those divorce papers. She remembered Derek handing them back to her. She remembered how her heart had sunk, thinking this was the end - that he was sending her away once and for all. She remembered the elation she had felt when her eyes had finally taken in the fact that he hadn't signed them. His elegant script did not adorn the paper. He was staying. He had handed them to her and taken her hand and brought her into his trailer. Their trailer.
Later, when he had left, she had had a whole ceremony of putting those divorce papers away. She had stored them in the bottom of her sock drawer. Why she hadn't destroyed them, she couldn't remember now, but perhaps it had been an unconscious tragic sense of inevitability that had led her to stow them away. Now, she pulled them out with a heavy heart and put her pen to them.
She paused. Was this what she really wanted? If she put her signature to this paper, it meant that after eleven years of marriage they had failed. Unexpectedly, her mind brought up a picture of her husband looking at Meredith. The look of adoration was too much for Addison to take and without another thought, she signed her name.
She set the divorce papers down on the kitchen table. She knew he deserved more of an explanation than that, but she couldn't find the words to leave him a note. With one last look around to make sure she hadn't left anything, she closed the door behind her and left his trailer.
She drove to a hotel and checked herself in, still wearing her prom clothes. She lay down on the bed and finally allowed herself to cry. After wallowing in self pity for a while, she pulled herself together. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed a familiar number than she thought forgotten after a long time of disuse.
"Mark? It's me, Addi."
Even though she felt like her life was falling apart, she knew what she had to do to get back on her feet. Because through it all, Addison Montgomery was a survivor.
AN: It's been awhile since I posted anything. For some reason, I just felt I had to address the post-finale world from Addison's point of view. I can't help but feel for her. Anyway, tell me what you think! Please. Thank you for reading.