A/N: A crackfic extraordinaire for my best friend, The Rish. Here's to accidentally calling all the men in Bleach her and she, but let's settle for Kaname Tosen and Shinji Hirako for now 'kay? This is set, obviously, before the vizard incident.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or make any profit from this.
"Can you believe that we lost that bet?" Shinji sighed as he rifled through the racks of dresses. He couldn't believe he was doing this, but he had lost the bet, and he tried to always keep good on his word, no matter how stupid his word was.
"No." Tosen ran his hand down the side of a dress, trying to get a feel for it.
"Who knew that Hiyori could beat Gin's ass like that?" Shinji scoffed, shaking his head with aggravation. "And that he'd let her!" Holding up a slinky red dress, Shinji turned to the mirror. "It's really too bad that you can't see because I can't decide what would look good on me. This may be surprising to you, but I've never worn a dress before."
The poor saleslady was looking at them like they were high. Her eyes were wide, one of her eyebrows was way up on her forehead, and though she didn't look disapproving, she seemed to have her hand on the phone in case she had to call for security. She kept eyeing Shinji's captain's haori and then their faces, as if trying to connect the two.
"Are we not welcome here?" Tosen asked, running his hand down the side of another dress.
"I have a feeling we might not be welcome a lot of places after this." Shinji muttered. He pulled a pink dress off the rack and breezed over to the saleslady. "Is this my color?" He asked with a huge grin.
"If you think so, then sure." The saleslady flipped her nametag over so he couldn't read it. "Are you two together, by any chance?" She had a look on her face like maybe she would be relieved if they were. Shinji couldn't blame her, it would offer an explanation.
"No." Tosen and Shinji chorused.
"Alright then." The saleslady shook her head, not offering any kind of help.
"I feel bad that Gin ended up in the fourth." Tosen pulled a long, frilly pink dress over in front of him. "Is this alright?"
"It really is a shame you can't see." Shinji muttered. "And it was a sneak attack. Gin didn't really have a chance. Hiyori's so light when she walks... and then she's on you like a badger."
"Hm." Tosen ran his hand down the dress he held again.
"Gin did initiate the argument." Shinji pulled a pastel lavender number off the rack. "He just didn't know she'd wait until later to take him out."
"He deserved it, in a way." Tosen draped the long, frilly pink dress over his arm. "As long as they're not killing each other though..."
"Eh, Hiyori isn't built to kill teammates." Shinji rolled his eyes. "She just wanted to beat him up enough that he'd leave her alone for now." With a loud sigh, he pulled the lavender one over his arm. "Alright, let's check out."
Pictures were taken of Shinji and Tosen, and copies were made. Hiyori still has a few, locked away safely, and with Tosen cut carefully out of the picture.
A/N: My first crackfic in forever and a day. I hope you enjoyed, and remember, this was for humor, not in all seriousness. What did you think?