Isn't it funny? My grandfather always preached, that we were made perfect in the eyes of God... so why did I feel so... imperfect? Like, I wasn't made correctly. That the big guy in the sky accidentally fucked up while creating me. If that even makes sense. Maybe I was born the right way, maybe it's my personality that does this too me. Whatever it is, I feel like an accident. Something short of... imperfect.

Feliciano never feels this way, well, no one does. Anyone who's normal has never felt this way. Me? I'm not normal, I'm the weirdest girl you'll ever meet. Hell, that's what they all say. The kids at school, Feliciano, and our Nonno. Maybe, I wasn't born into the right body? My appearance isn't bad. It just doesn't match the way I feel inside. What if I stole this body from someone deserving? What if... I wasn't meant to be born? What if I stole someone's chance of life. I took someone's life, and replaced with my own disgusting one.

Maybe I should stop thinking like that. After all, I'm just running over pointless questions, that I'll never get an answer too. No point in that.

My name is Lovina Vargas, I'm 16 years old, and I'm in the wrong body. I don't know why I feel this way, and it's killing me. I desperately want answers. However, answers seem impossible to find. I'm a Junior at World Academy, an international school for kids from all over the world. I live in a dorm just on the edge of school campus, with Elizabeta, and Laura, my roommates. They're nice, but... they can be a bit judgmental.

I choose to live in the dorms, leaving Feliciano behind. I love mi fratellino, don't get me wrong, he just makes me realize how much of a piece of shit I am. Well, home does that too. It's not their fault, I just hate their perfect lives, and their perfect self-esteem.

I let out a long, dramatic sigh, as I gently put away the now clean dishes. Across the room, Elizabeta is playing Super Smash Bros. on the Wii U with Laura. This is a normal thing, I usually join them after I'm done with the damned dishes. I hated the dishes, but they were my duty.

"Lovi~" Elizabeta called from her game, not daring to take her eyes off the screen for one second, "You almost done? I need help in kicking Laura's ass!" She called excitedly. I swear her one goal in life is defeating the SSB Champion, Laura.

Laura wasn't that big into video games, yet, she almost always claimed victory in this game. The few times Eliza and I have actually beaten her, are quite memorable. Eliza hadn't let it go in weeks, that she played as Peach and somehow managed to cream Laura. "It's all about strategy" She said suavely, as if she'd won the world cup of Super Smash Bros. "And that ass, couldn't have done it without Peach's ass."

I shook my head, trying to bring myself back to reality. "Nah, not tonight. I'm going home to visit." I muttered, my voice had hints of slight annoyance. I wasn't too thrilled to be going back home. To be honest, I was only going for the money, today was pay day, and I sure as hell wasn't missing out on the money. And maybe Feliciano's cooking... maybe.

"Suit yourself," Laura chimed in. "Can you at least make us something before you leave?" She raised her head in my direction completely disregarding the intense battle on the television. "I don't feel like cooking, and I don't trust Eliza, after last time."

Elizabeta screeched with victory, as she watched Laura's character fly off screen. "In your face!" Eliza cheered. She got up, and did a small victory dance. Her happy dance was suddenly halter. The Hungarian woman narrowed her eyes at Laura, "What do you mean?"

Laura shrugged, "Do I have to remind you how long it took for us to scrape burnt goulash out of everything?" She reprimanded. Elizabeta made a squeaking noise in the back of throat. It was obvious the taller female remembered it, and well... wanted to forget her cooking misfortune. Elizabeta wasn't a bad chef, not in the slightest. However, there was one time, she forgot to check on her meal, and it caught fire. Figures.

Elizabeta folded her arms, "Fine, I'll just call Roderich over." she stated pulling her smartphone from her back pocket, and scrolled to her ex-boyfriend's number. She clicked on his name, and held the phone to her ear.

Laura stood up and leaned on Elizabeta's free shoulder. "Wow, I can't believe you two are still so close!" She chided, resting her head on Elizabeta's shoulder. "Of course, I'm not surprised!"

Elizabeta giggled, "Just because we had a nasty breakup, doesn't mean we should ruin a perfectly good relationship- Oh! Hello Roderich!" She chided into her phone. I could hear the muffled voice of Roderich in the background. "Will you come over and cook for us? Lovina is stepping out- Of course you could bring your new boyfriend! I'm dying to meet him!"

I decided they had this under control, even if it was bound to end in disaster, with that pianist around. Not too mention the asshole of his boyfriend. I've never actually met his new boyfriend, but he's probably an asshole to catch Roderich's eye. I've never liked Mr. Piano face anyways. Wait- Elizabeta was okay with Roderich having a boyfriend? She always struck me as someone who wasn't okay with gay relationships... Weird...

"Ciao, I'm out," I alerted the two, as I pulled my jacket on. I'm pretty sure they stopped listening a while ago. Like they'd care anyways. It was cold as hell, I noted as I stepped outside. Carefully shutting the door behind me. Our door was probably one of the loudest on campus. It makes this horrible squeaking noise, that makes you want to rip off your ears. No joke.

I looked around for someone. No people. Of course. It was late, and cold. America wasn't exactly the warmest place on earth... Oh how I missed those warm sunny days in Italy. No time to reminiscence on the past. I need to go 'home' before Feliciano starts blowing my phone up with his texts and calls of concern. Damn annoying fratello, being worried all the damn time. With a little shiver, I begin to pick up speed with longer strides, desperate to get into the warmth of a house.

"Sorella!" Feliciano screamed excitedly. The younger sibling ran over to me, and tackled me with a bear-hug. "I missed you! I never see you in school anymore! I thought you were avoiding me, but here you are now, come in!" he quickly rambled. "I made pasta! Well, I always make pasta, but this time I made your favorite! I know how much you love Tomato and Garlic pasta, I even used fresh tomatoes from Nonno's garden! Oh, I bet he'll be excited to see you! He's always loved his only granddaughter-"

I stopped listening. Granddaughter... For some reason, I felt uneasy when he referred to me as 'granddaughter. Or, even when Feliciano called me 'Sorella'. I don't understand why. I don't feel like a girl, I've never felt like a girl. But, I'm not a guy, obviously. A guy in a girls body? It's unheard of. I'd be damned if they'd ever knew. They'd probably disown me for being so delusional. After all, no one wants an insane successor. If I was going to take over Nonno's wine business, I better be as normal as possible. No one would do business with the likes of me, if they ever knew how I felt, and I don't blame them.

"Hey, Lovina? You're scaring me! Why're you so quiet?" Feliciano's tone suddenly changed to one of concern. I smacked his waving hand, away from my face.

"I'm fine, idiota. Don't ask such stupid questions!" I snapped at my younger brother. "Now get out of my way! It's freezing out here, and I'm hungry!" Feliciano made an 'Oh' shape with his mouth, suddenly understanding the situation. He grabbed my hand and made a pointless bee-line for the door. Once inside, he let go of my arm and skipped into the kitchen, leaving me to shut the door. I stood alone in the living room. It still felt the same, smelled the same, and looked the same.

The old, brown, couches remained unchanged, the one against the wall had a new hole on the side of it. I can only hope Nonno will replace those damned things. He has the money for it, what's stopping him? God knows what's going through that old coots head.

I headed to the kitchen only to see Feliciano humming and slightly swaying as he put the finishing touches on hit pasta. I fucking love Feliciano's cooking. It's so good. He has a dream of opening a restaurant. Which, I totally support. He's a cooking prodigy. When I was little, I used to be jealous of his talents. My cooking wasn't bad, per se, but Feliciano's is great. I learned that, it's better to enjoy his food, instead of envy it. Besides, I don't have to do anything to get good food, all I have to do is order him to cook it, and he will. It's like eating at a five star restaurant, only at home, and a lot more food, and free. Feliciano always made enough to feed an army, though the skinny Italian boy usually shovels it down with ease. Surprising all of us. Where does all of that pasta go? It's like he has a void for a stomach.

"Oi!" I called to Feliciano. He lifted his head in alarm, sending me a puzzled look, wondering why he was disturbed. "Where's Nonno?" I questioned. No way in hell was he getting away with not greeting me. The nerve of that bastard, I swear. Feliciano shrugged and went back to work. So much for that. I decided I'd go to my 'room' and find Nonno after dinner. Assuming he didn't show up, for dinner. His eating habits have always been sketchy. Sometimes missing meals, leaving Feli and I alone, and occasionally Romeo, our half brother who lives with his mother. The same woman who doesn't like Feliciano and I for some mysterious reason.

My hand trails along the semi-familiar wall. Third door on the right, I repeat to myself. It's this mantra that keeps me from straying off track. I'd be lost without it. Three doors down, and to the right, there's my room. My old sanctuary. The place I chose to lock myself in, and drown out the misery of the world. Though, it allowed a new misery to emerge, one that I can't get rid of, and that's thinking.

In that room, so many confusing, painful, thoughts have crossed my mind. Why am I here? Why don't I feel comfortable in my own body? What's wrong with me? Have I gone insane? Probably. I've always felt this way. I've always known something was wrong with me, that this body wasn't suited for me. Yet... I can't exactly place why. Is this the place I really want to be right now? Do I want to be reminded of the pain that's occurred in here? Hell no. So... Why am I going in here?

To my surprise, the door was already open. I pushed the white door open slightly, just enough to poke my head in. I could feel my eyes widen, there was Nonno, sitting on my bed, with face buried in his hands. He was obviously stressed, but over what? I slipped inside quietly, and walked over to the older man. His breathing was steady, showing he was either sleeping, or trying to calm himself with successful results. I debated on making my presence known to the old man.

"Oi, Nonno," I said loudly, "You going to greet me? Or are you planning on moping on my bed all night, like a creep?" I grumbled, folding my arms, I looked down on him.

He immediately raised his head, his face was painted with the expression of shock, he glanced at me. In a flash, he put on his signature smile, it was almost as if he wasn't wallowing in pity a few seconds prior.

"Ciao Lovina! When did you get in here? You should have said something earlier, I would've greeted you at the door." I raised an eyebrow at his proposal. Couldn't he hear Feliciano talking a mile a minute, I could swear the neighbors could've heard Feliciano, he wasn't exactly the quietest... Shit, what's a good comparison. Well, whatever. Something was wrong with Nonno, now wasn't the time to make metaphorical comparisons.

"Yeah, yeah, more to add to the welcoming committee, great," I hope the sarcasm in that was easy to catch. I plopped down next to him, "The hell are you in here for?" I questioned.

He chuckled tiredly, "Ah it's nothing my little Lovi, I'm just glad you're here. I love having the company of my only granddaughter here. You wouldn't understand anyways, not at least for a few years." There is was again... That word. 'Granddaughter.' Why does it bug me to no ends? Screw that, more importantly, he's treating me like a kid again. Damn it all, I'm not a child. I was concerned for my Grandfather's well being, and he pushes me away? Screw that.

I groaned, "Damn it! Stop treating me like a kid! I asked you what the fuck was wrong, now tell me!" I snapped harshly. I could practically feel the mood in the room change dramatically, into one of displeasure. This happened every time I was here, and I was sick of it. I don't care if he's disappointed in me at this point. In fact, I want him to be. I wan't everyone to be disappointed. So, when they learn how I feel...how I think, it wouldn't be anything new. I want them to know, I wasn't meant to be here. But, fuck I can't open up to them, so I'll just do it in another way, anger.

Roma's face turned to a scowl, he obviously wasn't pleased with my choice of words. "Lovina Romano Vargas," He warned. Shit, he used my full name, "That's not how a young lady acts!" Those words... They stung. Did he just call me a young lady? Why did that feel so wrong? I took a step back in shock.

I opened my mouth to refute but, he beat me to the punch. His golden eyes softened, "I just want a moment of peace... Please don't ruin that for me?"

I glared at him, "Whatever you want," I mumbled with displeasure. I turned around and took a step forward. For some reason, I stopped, and turned to look at him one more time. He almost looked... pitiful. What has happened to the great and powerful Roma Antiqua? He looked so tired and worn, as if age had finally decided to catch up, and punch him square in the face. I felt... almost sad to see him like this. Almost. "Well I'm sorry I had to ruin everything for you," I hissed. I turned and headed towards the kitchen before I could see the after effect of my words. I try to be nice, and I get yelled at, great. That's fan fucking tastic. So much for being helpful, Lovi.

But what really hurt... was when he called me a young 'lady'. It just felt so wrong. Everything just feels so wrong. I'm not male! So, why does being female bug me so much? I've felt like this, almost my whole life. Yet, the feeling just keeps getting stronger and stronger. This isn't my body, no. This is someone else's. Someone who deserved it more then I did. I don't know who, but if I could give it back to them, that'd be great. The rightful owner deserves it back.

"Lovi! There you are! Pasta is ready!" the younger Italian called, from the archway leading into the kitchen. His smile never faltered, since I arrived. Is he even human? How can someone be this happy all the damn time.

"Whatever," I mumbled, pushing past him, taking a seat at the table. Conveniently, Feli already placed the table. I watched my younger brother leave to go fetch our Nonno. Great, I get to see more of his face. I still feel pissed, and insulted from the dispute a few minutes ago. I don't want to be near him right now.

This happens every month when I come over for dinner, I end up arguing with the old man, and saying some pretty dumb shit. But then we make up by the end of the day, and all is good, until next month. It's an endless cycle, like hell is it going to broken soon. Feliciano serves as the peace keeper, only when he's there to witness our dispute.

"Feliciano! I'm so proud of you, it smells great!" Roma's voice echoes through the kitchen. I pull my head down, I'd rather stare at the pasta anyways. I scooped a noodle covered in tomato sauce, with my fork and placed it into my mouth. The taste of tomato was prominent, just the way I liked them. I could feel all my troubles melt away with the heat of the pasta, and damn it, was it good. Feliciano always knew how to cook for comfort. That was one of his perks, I suppose.

The chair next to me screeched as it was pulled out, I stole a quick glance at the person who dared interrupt such tranquility, with their inconsiderable actions. Feliciano was only sitting down, when the other chair let out a horrendous shriek, signalling Nonno was sitting at the end of the table. Damn it, what's with these people and their damn annoying chairs? Those poor floors, being brutally mauled on a daily basis, by careless people who harshly set their chairs.

It was quiet for a few moments. Such peace was what I treasured. Noises were annoying anyways. Nonno was the first to speak, he awkwardly cleared his throat, and look at me. However, I was still staring at the plate of pasta as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. Even if the pasta was almost gone, there was so much character in it. Like the slightly smooth sauce, it was bumpy, yes, yet it felt like silk on your tongue. Feliciano was a master at this, his food had a personality of it's own.

"So, Lovi, how's school?" he instigated.

I shrugged, "Fine, I suppose." Short, sweet, to the point. Maybe he'll get the memo, that I, do not wish to speak right now.

"I got a call from your English teacher," Fuck.

Stay calm. Feel calm. Be calm. You got this Lovina. "And?" I questioned as if it were nothing. I dreaded this. I knew the possibility was unlikely yet, here it was, happening right before our delicious pasta dinner. I knew my English teacher would tell him. I just knew it, that damn snitch.

"She said the personal assignment you turned in... It had some peculiar things in it." Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck I've never been more screwed in my life.

"

What the hell are you getting at?" I hissed, screw pasta. I wasn't hungry anymore, I pushed the plate away from me, signalling I was done.

"Lovina... Are there things you're not telling us?"

"Lovina, please. I just want to help."

"... No."

"Lovi-"

I stood up. Fists balled, ready to attack whatever stood in my way. "Just shut up!" I screamed, "I can't tell you anything! You wouldn't understand, you'd never understand! You don't know how I fucking feel!" I turned to leave, but Feliciano's hand grabbed my wrist forcefully. I turned and watched in awe, as I saw such a serious glint in his eyes. It was as if something that lay dormant in him for years had finally surfaced.

"Sit down." He ordered, his tone deathly serious. I had no choice but to comply. Begrudgingly, I resumed my position in the chair, shooting the two other people in the room a glare. Oh, but Feliciano wasn't done, "Now, Lovina, you're going to tell us exactly what you're talking about," He hissed, his voice practically dripping with venom. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't terrified.

I glanced at Feliciano, then Nonno. I can't... They'll think of me differently... They'll think I'm a freak, they won't understand. "I-I cant!"

"Yes, you can. And you will," Feliciano warned, his grip on my wrist only tightened. I gulped.

"You'll judge me! You'll treat me like differently! I can't have that Feliciano... I just can't..."

Roma gripped my shoulder, offering support, "Lovino, we'd never treat you differently... Now tell us, what's wrong." I stared him in the eyes. His golden eyes were kind, inviting, and concerned. I wanted to give in and tell every secret I've ever held close to my heart... Maybe they'd understand?

"... I-I... I'm a mistake... I'm imperfect..." Tears began to roll down my face, "I think.. God made a mistake-"

"God never makes mistakes Lovina." Roma corrected,

"Damn it! Listen to me! He did! I'm in the wrong body! Can't you see that!?" I yelled, as tears continued to fall. "A-and it hurts every time you call me a lady, or sister, or just anything feminine!" Feliciano's grip loosened, "I don't think I'm a female... I think... I-I think I'm a man in a female's body," In that moment, I realized... I wasn't confessing to them, I was confessing to myself. I was opening a door, an answer to the never ending problem, I call my life. "A-And, no one even understands!"

Feliciano retracted his arm, he was no longer looking at me, "Is that how you feel?" He asked quietly, not even looking at me.

I nodded my head, and gave a soft, 'Mhm', as confirmation.

"... I don't have a sister named Lovina... You were never a sister to me-"

I had heard enough. My greatest nightmare was coming true. I stood up, and bolted out the door. Ignoring my Nonno's calls to return, I ran. It was eight o'clock, and dark as hell. However, I didn't care. I just ran. It's the only thing I've been good at, running. I ran from all my problems, every single one of them, and here I am, reciting the age old action, avoiding conflict. It was cold, it was windy, and it began to sprinkle. Not a single fuck was given... I was too busy blindly bolting through the dark streets.

In my blind sorrow, I darted right into a man, we both hit the ground with a painful thud. I couldn't get up, what was the point of getting up? I just wanted to lay there and die. Pained sobs wracked my body. I was done. I couldn't do this anymore.

"Ay, that hurt..." The man muttered, "Are you okay- You're crying! Did the fall hurt you!?" The stranger rushed over to my side, he held out his hand, offering to pull me up, but I ignored it. He was interfering with my plan of lying here and dying. I was in too much emotional pain to do anything. "Signorita, please, let me help you." He held out his hand one more time. He made it very clear, that I had no choice but to comply. I'll let him help me out, for now. But when I'm home, I'll drown in my own sorrows.

Gently, he lifted my off the ground, and onto my feet. He gently wiped away my tears, allowing my vision to return, from it's previous distortion due to crying. The man who kindly helped me out, was tan, had chocolate curly hair that seemed stylish, yet unruly. He was quite tall, maybe around 5'12", and had a sturdy build. But the most stunning factor about this man, was his eyes. They were green, Very green. He blinked and pulled my arm around his shoulder.

"I'll walk you home," He demanded, I blinked at him quizzically. Why is a stranger taking me home? Do I want to him to know where I live? Not really. I was about to break away when he explained that "It's too dark, and you're in no shape to go by yourself," I nodded understandingly. Just moments before, I didn't have enough will-power to pry myself off the side-walk. Why am I even letting him help me?

On the way back, he tried to make small talk, at first, he asked me what was wrong. After learning he wasn't going to get an answer. He began to talk about himself, and amusing stories about him and his friends. His name was Antonio Fernandéz Carriedo. He's 18, a senior from World Academy (A coincidence). He's from Spain, he moved here a few weeks ago to be with his current partner. He has two friends, which remained nameless. However, when they both lived in Spain with him, they were known as the Bad Touch Trio, which I assumed was because everywhere they went, something tragic had to have happened. He explained that they were master pranksters, only supporting my theory. He was in the middle of one of his wild stories, when I whimpered and pointed at a building across the street. It was the World Academy dormitory for females.

"You go to World Academy too?!" he exclaimed, a little too excited. I only nodded my head, in response. I was too emotionally drained to even speak. "Well, I hope I'll see you then! Monday is my first day! And then I work after school Monday through Thursday, if you need help you should drop by." He works? With what? I was about to ask when he stopped in front of the building. "Do you need me to take you to your room, or shall I depart here?" He asked.

I pulled my arm away from him. I shook my head, "N-no. It's fine. I'll go from here..." I wasn't keen on letting this stranger know my dorm number. Hell, I don't even let Feliciano know. Feliciano... The thought of him made me want to-

"So you speak?" Antonio said playfully, drawing me out of my thoughts. I gave a sad smile, as I nodded my head.

"...Si, I do speak... G-Grazie, but I can take care of myself from here." I was desperate to get inside. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone.

"Alright, Buenas Noches Signorita, I'll see you around..."

"...Lovino." I muttered.

He smiled, "Alright Lovino! I'll see you around! Feel better! I hope we run into each other again!"

I nodded, and turned to enter my dorm. Thank god, it was on the bottom floor, I had no energy to go up stairs. I stumbled into the door, hitting it rather hard. I was sure Elizabeta and Laura were alerted of my presence. But I didn't care. Carelessly I throw open the door, the door made a loud screeching noise. Normally this would bug me, but I was too deep in my sorrow to care. I slammed the door shut, and made a sloppy beeline for my room. I ignored Elizabeta's and Laura's concerned looks. They don't matter right now. Nothing matters. I was just, disowned by my only family. The one who I thought would support me. I practically threw myself in my room, and slammed the door shut. I didn't even make it 5 feet in, before I broke down into violent sobs.

God damn it, why was I so weak? I couldn't even help myself, a damn stranger had to take that job, and pick up the pieces. When he didn't even know me. Then again, if he knew the true abomination I was, he'd probably despise me too. They all would. Feliciano's words echoed through my mind. I was never his sister- How could he? I never thought he'd be so shallow to just disown me like that. Didn't he know how much it hurts? Don't they know, the pain of being irrelevant? Of course not. I was alone in this endeavor.

I crawled into my bed. I buried myself in the red comforter, trying to hide from everything. I was done. So done.

Concerned knocks echoed through the room. Please of entrance were heard, yet none were answered. Eventually, they gave up. That's okay, because I gave up too. It's only fitting for others to give up when you have.

Replaying today's events in my head, over and over, served to be a painful reminder. Though, near the end, the kindness that was presented by the stranger was all I needed to feel at least a little reassured. Only a little. The handsome stranger who showed me kindness in my darkest hour, when everyone else turned away... Antonio was his name, right? And when he asked my name, I replied with Lovino... Why did I?

In that moment, I realized why. It's a male name, that fits me perfectly. Lovino means 'To Ruin,'. That's all I've been doing. I tore my family apart, I've ruined a strangers evening with my selfish acts.

Maybe I'll start going by Lovino.

More importantly, maybe I'll run into Antonio again... Maybe he'd understand. The pain I'm feeling, he seemed to care, to understand, even if I never told him what had happened. Maybe, he'd understand, that I. Lovino Vargas, is a male trapped inside a female's body.

AGH, I'M DONE. I thought It'd never end. The writing.
Okay, the ending is kinda sloppily written, because I got lazy. Therefore, I apologize.
Yes, it's Spamano, yes, Toni has a current partner in this... not for long.
I was thinking about making this a three-shot. Might be longer.

I AM NOT TRANSGENDER, THEREFORE IF I CONVEYED GENDER DYSPHORIA WRONG OR... WELL ANYTHING WRONG, PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

Any tips on writing would be great. I need them tips, so lay em' on me.

Alright, Buona Notte.

Translations:

Fratellino: Little Brother (It.)
Fratello: Brother (It.)
Sorella: Sister (it.)
Ciao: Hello/Goodbye (It.)
Idiota: Idiot (It.)
Nonno: Grandfather (It.)
Signorita: Miss/Mrs/Ms. (Sp/It.)
Buenas Noches: Good Night.