Title: The trouble with (the fear of) losing
Fandom: JApril (Grey's Anatomy)
Disclaimer : Grey's Anatomy & its characters are the property of ABC & Shonda Rhimes
Spoilers : Season 8 Episode 17 through 20
Summary : speculative drabble about Jackson's growing realization of his feelings for April leading up to Ep 21 (based on the promo)
AU : I've been meaning to update this but RL is really kicking me in the b*tt (code-writing isn't too conducive to letting one's imagination roam) – so anyway, here goes. Let me know what you think & thanks (in advance) for reading =)
Jackson knows it's a bad idea.
But he's a guy and she's giving the green light and he's frustrated over April's hot and cold behavior and her seeming preference for Alex's company over his these days. So he does it. And it feels good.
Right up until his best friend walks in on them in the call room and then it's just awkward and he wishes like hell he'd kept his distance from his mother's spy (as he'd earlier wanted to) and consequently his pants zipped. Because he'd seen her face and he knows that whatever chance he has (had) of her seeing him as anything more than her friend (you know, if he ever grows a pair to finally admit it to himself) has just gone up in smoke.
He is proven right when she takes great pains to act like she hasn't just seen him in bed with someone the next day. He figures that a return of their old friendship routine is better than the silent treatment he's had to endure previously so he goes along with it (even if it feels more like acting than anything else). And if he takes to sticking to Alex like glue (when he's not being run ragged by Sloan as his bitch, that is) after he overhears him ask her to switch duties, he pretends that it's male bonding-slash-camaraderie-and-commiseration over their fellow resident's intern troubles and not because he just wants to keep an eye on the man and make sure that the infatuation his best friend had with the guy in the past (or what he hopes is in the past) does not get rekindled. But then he sees them gang up on Lexie to help them study for the boards and he realizes he's fooling himself because yeah, his need to watch over the two of them (to make sure there's no hanky-panky involved) overrides his desire to avoid his ex-girlfriend.
It's almost a relief to find that while he and April had one or two in common in their roster of hospital programs to interview for, she and Alex had none – that it's mostly because Robbins is sandbagging his fellow resident is not something he'd like to think about, even if he does take a moment to acknowledge that he probably should feel sorry for the poor guy. But then again, he has his own issues to contend with – mostly over the large shadow cast by his last name and its implications for his applications. If he takes time to really think about it, he knows that while Sloan's recognition of his gift in plastics goes a long way, her long-term support and inherent belief that he's more than his last name play an ever larger role in why he's not more messed up than he is over this.
And it is when he allows himself the luxury of looking at her…really, really looking at her…while she sleeps next to him on the flight to their next interview (that is thankfully miles away from Yale – which is why he was so helpful to Alex earlier in the bar) that he finally realizes this fundamental truth. That it is the fear of losing her support that has made him unable to acknowledge his growing feelings for her. Because what if he admits this and she doesn't feel the same way? What if, she feels so disgusted and betrayed that she cuts him out of her life? What then?
He knows he can't risk what they already have for the possibility of something more – even if that possibility makes him ache so badly he can almost taste it. Because what if they do get together and he fucks up (as he most likely will, given his track record with relationships) and he loses her? Just the thought is enough to make his insides hurt so bad he has to clench his teeth to stop a whimper from escaping. And he knows there's just too much to lose.
But when she snuggles up to him and rests her head on his shoulder and he feels that painful squeezing of that certain muscle somewhere in the vicinity if his left chest loosen, he realizes that maybe, just maybe…it would be worth it.