Hi guys :)

I always felt sorry for Meiling because I didn't feel she got any sort of a happy ending. She was always one of my favorite characters in the series! Writing this was a bit of a break from writing 'Inside I'm Breaking'

This is just a one shot of how I imagined Meiling got through heartache (Taking out the magic and supernatural)

It's nothing much so please don't expect a whole lot!

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The ice cold around me goes unnoticed.

In the peace of the vacant street I find myself nostalgic. There is a feeling inside me I cannot quite label. I don't think I've ever felt it before. A block away I still hear the loud cheers and disco beat of the reception. I smile but I don't know why.

I breathe in the sharp air. I don't remember it ever being this cold since I was a girl of nine.

Back then, I was a very different person and only recently have I come to a drastic change. Back then I was influenced heavily by naivety, stupidity and above all, love.

Love… it is the centre and the most present factor in a happy ending don't you think? But when love is unrequited is can be a very bitter thing. It changes people mostly for the better. But it can damage you more so to the point where happy endings seem to be a myth only happening to those around you.

Who knows this better than me?

I have changed so much because of one person, because he became my everything….I thought I knew it all, that's why I became so obsessed with you, I thought it was just meant to be.

Because of you Syaoran….

So now I sit and watch my breath mist in front of me thinking of you… thinking of how I've changed because of you.

Fifteen years ago is when it all started…

X x x x x x x x x x

In my Chinese home I sit and wait cross legged until a letter, square and yellow arrives at my door. I trudge through the heavy snow and ignore the sting of coldness on my feet.

It arrives as usual on time down to the very last second. You are always punctual, Syaoran. I jump in glee to read your handwriting. For now you are my little escape from my bleak and predictable life. You've brought nothing but excitement into my life from the very day you moved to my hometown. You were my prince in this fairytale.

You write to me about your new life in Japan, your friends and your home. You are so detailed Syaoran, you don't want me to miss a thing do you?

You must miss me! Don't worry Syaoran, one day I'll see you. I'll escape from the restraint of my strict Chinese life and from the strict rules of my mother. You'll take me away from here won't you Syaoran? We'll be together again Syaoran won't we? I know we're young now, but one day we will never be separated.

I am only nine, and I know fairytales exist only in story books but maybe, just maybe I would be the lucky one who gets to live a fairytale life. Maybe I was just lucky that way.

Finally, after four years of wishful thinking, with the permission of my mother I am allowed to travel for the first time in my now thirteen years of living to you. When I step off the plane I see you. You look more handsome now than you ever did. You are growing, changing. I ignore the people around me and risk leaping towards you. I hug you tightly and you embrace me gently. You break our hug but I hang onto you because I can't believe it's you Syaoran. You and I, finally together. And like a gentleman you take my bags and I stare at you thinking how lucky I am that you haven't forgotten me… you haven't forgotten.

Forgive me Syaoran, for I am nervous, and I ramble aimlessly about things that probably don't interest you. But you smile and nod at the appropriately, you encourage me. You have patience for me, which is something I find so rare in people, especially in the case of me.

We arrive to your Japanese home in Tomoeda. Again I talk nervously until finally, I snap back into myself. I am bossy and inquisitive and yet you put up with that. That is why I love you, Syaoran. We spend the week together. You are indeed gentlemen as you guide me through streets and places which are unfamiliar to me. Indeed Syaoran, we will be happy here.

Eventually you begin to open to me. You tell me things, things that are secret to you. Things you don't tell others, because you trust me Syaoran. But you don't tell me everything. You hold back, you are shy to reveal your most inner thoughts. You are complex. But one day Syaoran, on day when you realise you love me, you will get down on one knee and propose. It'll be romantic Syaoran, just like the movies. I'll make you so happy. Then, maybe then, you will tell me everything.

But for now, I must be patient.

x x x

Before I know it, lush green leaves begin to rust and fall like golden snow.

It is autumn.

I cling onto your arm as we walk under the blossom trees. I fidget nervously in my school uniform but you walk with confidence. You've been here before but for me; Tomoeda School is a new experience. You are popular among your peers and never leave my side. You fear me to be lonely. But soon you find I am well able to adjust to any situation. I am Meiling and you know me for my tough exterior.

It is not long before I have many friends. They swarm around me, fascinated by my background. I am loved Syaoran, it seems whenever I am with you; happiness inevitably follows even though you do nothing. You are just you.

When class starts I sit loyally by your side. But your attention is drawn by the vacant seat in front of you. You stare at it. Your eyes oscillate from the window to the chair. I think nothing of it. Maybe you are lost in a world of your own in a daydream. You often do that, I doubt you realise you're doing it.

Then she appears.

Shyly at first she peeks her head through the gap of the door. She whispers an apology to the teacher and wanders down through the classroom. Her short brown hair is different and original to everyone else. Her eyes were as green as emeralds and she had a frame that was petite and thin. She trips, catching her foot on the leg of the table. Even her fall is graceful. Others laugh but are quick to help her up. She is clumsy, but well liked.

But then something strange happened Syaoran. It was something you did, something odd and extremely out of your character. She smiled at you, and nods.

You blush and look away as if embarrassed to be addressed by this small girl.

You concentrate on your hands with a red tint staining your cheeks. Are you embarrassed? Shy? A panic builds in my stomach. A seed of worry sprouts the more I study your relationship with her. I catch you Syaoran! I witness your stolen glances at her. What's going on? Why are you still blushing?

The class bell rings, students disperse but you and she remain. When you realise I am here you pry your eyes from her and introduce us.

Sakura Kinomoto.

From that day on Syaoran, she became my secret enemy. She smiles sweetly, and her laughter is like music. But I don't like her Syaoran. I don't like you around her. I don't like what she does to you. I observe you stutter and become lost for words around her. I become sceptical…. And threatened.

I am now your shadow. Wherever you go, I go. I am clingy. I am weary, because I love you.

I find my eyes always preoccupied with you and her. Your relationship with her is different than your relationship with others. Why is that Syaoran? What makes this plain, simple minded girl the object of your interest? I observe you talk, occasionally you become angered and short tempered by her, but something strange happens Syaoran, you cave. You let her win; you raise the white flag to her even though she never raised her voice. It is like you're afraid to upset her. Why does she have this effect on you Syaoran why!

You're making me bitter Syaoran.

I hate seeing you with her. I can see what I am becoming, but if I stop, there is a chance I will lose you. So I talk to Kinomoto, I want to know her dark side, her manipulative ways. What are her powers of persuasion? It saddens me Syaoran, to discover she is not evil, or manipulative. She is sweet and kind. I try, I try to hate her. But I find myself unable. Is this how you feel Syaoran?

If it is, then I fear the worse.

Over the next few years I witness to my hearts displeasure, you are growing attached to her. As a result, our relationship is becoming weaker. I won't give up though Syaoran! I will not lose you. One day, one day we will be together… one day.

Yet… there is noticeable closeness between the two of you now. It isn't friendship that binds you now, it's something more. You sit next to her everyday now. Your stone face, breaks into an expression of sheer happiness when you see her. You have changed Syaoran, not because of me, because of her. She's changed you, you are happier now Syaoran aren't you? At school, you break from me to stand by her side. Your happiness has caused my inner torment Syaoran. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even breath when I don't know where you are.

I find myself agitated and lost not being with you. You haven't noticed have you? I bet you tell her everything Syaoran don't you? She knows more than me now doesn't she? You trust her now, I opened myself up for you but you sought another to confide in. That kills me Syaoran it kills me!

The seasons change, as do you. We are teens now of seventeen and eighteen. You have matured in looks as have I, as has she. She is indeed, very beautiful. She's prettier than me isn't she? You like her don't you? Not as a friend, but as something I've yearned for years now. I've bet you kissed her haven't you? She stole something from you that was meant to be mine. You don't hide it anymore. You take her hand and preserve it in yours in public. You kiss her goodbye. Every kiss you give her is a little needle stabbing at my heart.

Your eyes linger on her and you are so very protective of her. You adore her in every way.

But you are still kind to me. You haven't abandoned me. We still talk and we still are open to each other, but you still hold back. I catch you smiling to yourself at times. I know your thinking about her Syaoran. I hate to say that she too, has grown on me. I even call her a close friend. Isn't that ironic? The girl I want to loath has charmed her way into my favour. I can see why you like her. I enjoy her company. But I can't be vulnerable around her, for she is the reason for my heart ache. Even around you, I am on my guard which is something I never thought I'd had to do.

Look how we've changed.

Many a time I contemplate about leaving. Maybe I never belonged here with you. Would you like me to leave? Do you want me to free you of my presence? Would that make you happier Syaoran, would it? But I remain. I can't, I can't bring myself to depart from you because in my heart there is still hope that maybe, maybe you will notice me, and you will see that I will always be a slave to your love.

I've become quieter now. Surely you've noticed. The once loud, rebellious and head strong Meiling has been reduced to a meek and self conscious little girl. I have become a shadow of what I use to be. It is all because of you.

You're dating now and you have been for quite some time now. You're getting serious about her. I even overheard you talking about marriage Syaoran.

I cry you know, every night. You can't hear me because I don't permit you to hear me. I can't control this part of me, this weak and pathetic part of me that I have become to loath about myself. But no matter what I can't seem to shrug of the possibility that maybe… just maybe there is a chance you will realise my love for you. Maybe, you will leave her. Maybe…just maybe there is a chance.

I try one last time Syaoran. I fight for you. I become a controlling and possessive girl once again, even worse than before. I can't help this. I simply cannot just let go of you and accept it. But the more I try Syaoran, the further away you seem too drift from me and into her arms. Why can't you love me Syaoran! Why can't I be good enough for you? Why! Has she blinded you so much that you can't see me aching for you? You are the only reason for my entire existence! Please… love me.

X x x

Indeed love is a crippling thing.

I decided I can't be around you anymore in any way shape or form. It's too painful and I find my body emotionally unable to take it. So I cut myself away from you Syaoran. And yes, that means Tomoyo, Chiharu and other friends I have become so close to.

I bury myself in assignments, work, anything to avoid you. I don't want to. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't care. If it stops every single thing reminding me of you and what was suppose to be, then I can afford to be selfish.

You go out to clubs with the gang, you travel around Japan on weekends with Sakura and the gang but I remain at home. I deny your offers time and time again until you stop asking me altogether. I busy myself in homework, housework then more homework. It is not long before I am excelling even you in my studies. I am the top student in the class now. Who would have guessed?

But I am lonely. My friends have abandoned me due to me change in attitude. One by one they leave me and become once again, acquaintances, even Tomoyo.

You notice my change now. You try to talk to me but it is I who hides things from you. I will not reveal everything to you Syaoran, because I do not trust you, especially with my heart.

X x x

Our last year of high school passes slowly and painfully. You are deeply and madly in love with her aren't you Syaoran? You are with her every day. I can't get away from it.

We are graduating soon. At the moment our relationship is hanging on by a thinning thread. We don't speak much anymore. I have made you a stranger to me. It is all my fault Syaoran. If it wasn't for the fact that we live together I very much doubt we would have any contact.

I am very bitter now Syaoran. I realise our school days are coming to an end. I once thought it would be me in your arms, and in your heart. She has won you completely. I have bad thoughts Syaoran. I want her to disappear. I want her to simply vanish forever. But I know, I know instead of turning to me, you would sink so deep into the depths of despair that not even I could bring you back from. You would become lost wouldn't you? I could close in and be someone to confide in. I could be there and manipulate your thoughts about her, spread rumours and lies… but I can't bring myself to do it.

My first kiss it stolen from my by a boy who was in my chemistry class. He stole something that was supposed to be yours but you don't care do you? I become afraid of men in general. I don't associate myself with them. I begin to loath them altogether because they appear as weapons to hurt me.

We graduated. There were tears and hugs goodbye. It was emotional. You never let her go. I hate how you love her.

We fought that night. Things were said Syaoran. You really don't understand do you? You have no idea how I feel do you? You shout and pry me for answers. You want to know what has changed me so dramatically. You beg me to tell you but I can't. How can I tell you how I feel without tainting something that makes you happy?

But you beg and beg! You're killing me Syaoran. I hate you to be mad at me! I can't stand it when your eyes narrow at me in anger; I flinch as your voice climaxed to a point where I feel I have to match it just so you can hear me.

I reach boiling point. I spill everything. It flows out of me and it can't be tamed. All the pain and misery unlocked itself from my heart fallen out of my mouth.

I love you Syaoran, I tell you this over and over again and you stare at me bewildered and confused.

You stand there and say nothing. You watch me turn into this crumbling mess that could not redeem itself.

I told you I loved you. You seemed shocked by this. You really didn't know Syaoran. In your mind I was, and always was, your friend.

I am ashamed of myself Syaoran. I cry in front of you. This is it now isn't it? I have reached the lowest point. You see me at my most vulnerable. Am I pathetic in your eyes now? You try to form words but we both know that unless you are returning my feelings, nothing you say can ease my pain.

Nothing.

You are speechless. I run from you because I can't bare it Syaoran. I lock myself in my room, away from you. You pound on my door, you beg me to understand. You are sorry and tell me I will find someone else. How can you say that? You and I…we were just made to be. I've spent most of my life loving you, how can you tell me to look elsewhere?

I will not, as you put it, find someone else. I can't.

You give up, you realise I am stubborn and will not reply to you. Leave me Syaoran. Leave me to be bitter. Go back to her.

I cried myself to sleep again. I curl my knees to my chin and think of you one last time. I pray for the first time in forever. I do not pray for you, nor do I pray for love, I pray for this suffering to end. I pray with all my might, putting my scientific belief aside and hope I can forget you, forget this pain and forget this life that revolved around you, Syaoran.

Our relationship had fizzled into brief one worded conversations and to be in each others company is a rarity. I have almost lost you.

I have headaches thinking of you. I take painkillers for it. Sometimes I think deeply about taking a pill, and then another, and then another until all my senses are numbed. Until I will never have to think, my heart would not ache, and my body would feel no pain. Maybe I'm too weak for this world. Maybe I should take the initiative and let myself be happy.

But no. I snap out of this. I am better than this Syaoran! I will show you, I will show everyone who doubted me. I will escape you somehow, because I am Meiling, and I am strong.

My outstanding grades take me in a scholarship to Tokyo University. You and she depart to a different side of the country. We briefly say goodbye to you, though it is half-hearted. I can't prolong this. It will hurt me more.

Goodbye Syaoran. I have indeed lost you.

I am nervous to leave Tomoeda, the town I've grown to know so well. I do not return to China, nor do I have any desire to. I leave for Tokyo to study law. You always said I was opinionated, I hope you were right. The last time I see you, you are linked to her arm in arm happy and perfectly content with your life. You don't notice my absence do you?

I depart from you, knowing that without me, you will be happy.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Things have changed once again Syaoran.

I have settled into Tokyo life. You probably know this already though because I am Meiling, and I am adaptable. A new life finds me. I have a new circle of friends, ones separate from you. I am well liked and for once, not hated or the girl people whisper in dislike about. I am understood by my fellow students, flatmates and teachers. You don't know the relief I feel waking up each morning and not worrying about seeing you. My stomach doesn't twist by the possibility of seeing you two together. I can go anywhere, do anything and not feel under the grasp of my jealousy.

You don't let me go too easily because you are a good friend, you are loyal to me. But I ignore your calls and texts. I do not reply to your emails and when you visit my apartment, I pretend I am not there. I am a coward Syaoran. I'm sorry that I cannot simply be happy for you. I am sorry I cannot give you both your soul mate and a best friend.

I am selfish, I am Meiling.

One peculiar thing has happened though Syaoran. I have become re-acquainted with an old friend. You'd be surprised to hear that in a city as large as Tokyo, I have run into Toya Kinomoto.

I never had much of a opinion on Toya, mainly because we rarely spoke when I was in Tomoeda. I am surprised he remembered me, even more surprised he engaged in conversation with me. But I can't help to be guarded around him.

You understand don't you?

He is a school teacher jus twenty minutes from where I lived. I never knew he had charisma, or the balls to ask m out to coffee within ten minutes of talking. I kindly declined but after a further series of run ins I started to make time for him.

I don't know how it happened but we ended up having lunch every Tuesday and Friday.

I know what you're thinking, unusual for me. But he is nice, however I am weary of him, of men in general.

X x x

I miss you.

Your absence is like a grey patch over my heart and mind. You cross my mind still. I sit at my desk at times and wonder what you are doing, where you are, and if you think if me at all. But as the weeks pass by you are overshadowed by my new life, which is blooming.

You go from frequently circulating my mind, to once daily to the point where you rarely enter my mind. My life is busy and I am always moving. But when I do stop for a moment, when I find myself in moment's peace, my thoughts fly to you. You are always there Syaoran, you think I've forgotten you, but I haven't.

I don't know how to feel anymore. I miss seeing you yet I don't want to be around you…I don't understand it either Syaoran.

Once again I graduate top of my class. I become a fine prosecutor Syaoran, you always said I was opinionated. Within a year I soar higher and higher in my career. I am one of the best Syaoran. All around Asia people seek me out. I balance the injustice in the world Syaoran. I have risen above everyone's expectations.

Are you proud of me? Did I make you happy? Do you even care?

My office now sits fifty six floors up and towers over Tokyo. I am respected now Syaoran. I am good at what I do, I am even better at hiding my emotions.

We haven't spoken for a while now. You accept the fact that you and I are just old friends who, over time became strangers. How is it you are still there though? How could all this success and pride not overshadow you?

I have heard nothing from you in a while and I pray you are doing fine, just fine. I have abandoned my life in Tomoeda now. The last I hear of you, you and her have settled down there and are very successful in the Li business. Sources tell me you are have not married her yet. I am surprised by this Syaoran. You have not claimed her by law as yours.

You'd be surprised again to hear that Toya has become a good friend of mine. A series of random but frequent run ins had led him to become a close acquaintance of mine, and from that to a good friend. But the marks you left have still made me sceptical of any man. He has earned my respect as a teacher, a job that has so little resemblance to yours.

I was once weary of him, not believing his kindness was genuine to begin with. But I found myself ever growing fond of him. I didn't make it easy though Syaoran, you know me. I was short, ignorant and rude with him to begin with. But somehow, he sees through this, through this act. And I don't know why Syaoran but I started to tell him things. Nothing too personal, just small things, my relationship with my mother, my insecurities. They are small things but nevertheless they are thing now only you and he knows.

He is so kind to me Syaoran. I know it's strange, considering he is the brother of the one who took you away from me. He is a minor escape from the manic of my job. Our friendship is a secret from you for obvious reasons. I don't want to become apart of your life.

As Toya gradually immersed himself into my daily life I found a new feeling spark inside me, something sparked. I don't want to admit it Syaoran, I really don't but….I feel something for him. It was not intentional, nor was it predictable, it just happened. I feel I am betraying you though Syaoran. Even after all these years your opinion comes first before everything! Every time I feel myself getting close to him, I feel myself begin to push him away. It's torture Syaoran, almost as worse as before.

He know about my torment with you. He realises I pushed him away because of his sister and do you know what? He understood! He talked about it with me he…..helped me.

But when I sit in my apartment curled up on the sofa I feel physically torn. Torn between you and Toya. Why Toya though? Of all people why someone so close to her? I don't have the answer; I don't even if I want to know what it is.

Another year passes and I still hear nothing from you. Feeling I have nothing to lose, I begin to see Toya on a romantic level. He's so good to me Syaoran, he makes me smile, something you use to do. We are nothing serious because I do not permit us to be, not just yet. It pains me to see him wait for me. But he talks to me, and for the first time in years I completely open myself up to him. I spill secrets only heard by you Syaoran. But he doesn't reject me like you did. He stays so loyally by my side. He knows my pain originates from you and his sister but he stays with me Syaoran, So much kindness I don't think I deserve.

He made me realise Syaoran that this feeling that sits over me day after day due to the fact that I miss you. I miss just seeing you as me friend and not just a possible lover. Once you were my friend. I need to see you but how can I when I pushed you away? I'm so ashamed of myself now. Syaoran. I miss you so very much…

Whether its fate or a curse we are brought back together. On an autumn evening I go about my own business when there is a knock on my door. There you stood before on my doorstep with a soft smile. I stutter because as you know, I'm nervous. It is so unexpected for you to be here. You look exactly the same. So handsome. It's so intimidating being with you now. I invite you in and here you are.

But you come with a reason, an invitation, to your wedding. I thought I would feel hurt when this time would eventually come. But I don't, I feel nothing except emptiness. I guess I was preparing for this moment. But to see you smile with obvious happiness… I see you are as happy as when I left. You tell me you miss me, you haven't forgotten me Syaoran and I cannot give you a reason for shutting you out. You probably know why I did it anyway. You don't force me to the wedding; you simply give me an invitation and leave the choice with me.

You tell me you are proud of me and my successes. You already know about me Syaoran, you know of my work and achievements. You didn't want to forget me as your friend. Now I am even more ashamed that I have never investigated more into your life. You say you've missed me. You stay late into the night talking and reminiscing with me.

I'm surprised with myself Syaoran. I don't feel the cluster of emotions or longing for you as I did before for you. There is something there but…oh God I'm so confused! And when you leave I don't know what to feel. All I know is that I'm relieved that Toya is here…not leaving my side…

Now I sit and reminisce, as I often do. I once thought that you made me fall in love with you, I thought you tricked me with your charms to infatuate me to the point you became my everything. But no Syaoran, it was all my own doing. I made myself fall for you. Me, not you, never you. I recognise all the signs and attempts on you part to keep us as friends. I deluded myself and made you my world. All of the pain was caused by me. I became infected with my own disease and you were the cure.

You're not the bad guy Syaoran, if anything you were my rock.

With this in mind, I will go to your wedding. I prove for myself that I can indeed live without you.

X x x x x x x x x x x

So here I sit on and ice glazed step a block away from your wedding reception.

I am not spiteful, sad, nor bitter nor lonely. I am simply contemplating on how I, Meiling became so consumed in love that I forgot myself. I feel stupid Syaoran that I'm actually laughing to myself. I once imagined so vividly that this would be us, our wedding. It never crossed my mind that you would find another. But you are so happy Syaoran, as is she. You beam and look at her so lovingly that I just know that nothing will shatter your happiness, not even me. You will make her happy Syaoran. I never thought I'd admit this but… you two were meant to be.

You know, my whole life I have been called egotistical, self absorbed and selfish. I would agree with that to a certain extent. People have loathed me for my head-strong opinions but some have admired me for it. But, to have let someone as amazing as you go, to have taken myself out of your life so you could be happy with another without my negative presence, is that not the most self-less thing anyone could ever do? Can I not be redeemed for that?

My thoughts were interrupted by a single white snowflake that fluttered onto my hands. I looked up into a dark sky seeing wisps' of clouds streak across it.

"You look cold." He said approaching me in my tranquil state.

My eyes flickered to his which were kind and gentle. I smiled coyly and looked to the ground wondering if all of this was meant to lead me to him, to Toya. Did it take heartbreak to avert my heart to someone else?

I nodded and he kneeled beside me to spread his blazer across my shoulders. I leaned into his shoulder and stayed there just taking in his scent. I knew what this feeling inside me was. It was closure, acceptance that Syaoran was not put on this planet for me to love, it was for her.

As for Toya, I didn't know where that was going, and I didn't worry about it. Now was good. It didn't matter what the future would bring but I can truly say he brought about a different kind of happiness inside me. To be loved in return was probably the most amazing experience ne could feel.

This is not a sob story of a girl who feels wronged, nor an attempt for attention. This is a lament for my heart which once ached, though not anymore. This is my story of triumph.

Sometimes when two people get a happy ending, someone is left out. Someone is left to pick up the pieces. I refuse to be that person. Maybe I haven't found my happy ending just yet, but I'm getting there. Sometimes people like me come out stronger and possibly happier. So don't pity me Syaoran, there is a lot more in store for Meiling.

He kisses the side of my face tenderly and whispers, "Are you ok?"

"I am now." I reply with an understatement.

I am not just ok, I am better than I ever was.

He takes my hand and under the light snowfall leads me away hand in hand. I have never been more certain about an uncertain future. I can breathe now with a new found purpose.

If you can be happy Syaoran….than there is a strong chance that I can be too.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A bit of a bittersweet ending!

Not everyone gets a happy ending but at least I feel there's hope for Meiling in the future :)

So I guess in the end you could call it a MeilingxToya fanfic, whatever you think! :)

Anyway, if you feel like it R&R!