Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today

By: Amon Kashino

Chapter I: Life

(Ricky's POV)

The alarm on my night stand goes off. I groan and open my bloodshot eyes as I shut it off, it's five a.m. and I have to get ready for work. But first I have to get John ready for daycare. He's been practically living with me full time since a week after he got home from the hospital. Amy had been reluctant at first, but after the first few times he stayed with me she began to ask me to take him a lot. At first it was tough, I wanted so many times to flake out and not pick him up but I also wanted to be a good father.

I didn't want to turn out like Bob, which was my biggest fear.

Sadly it got harder as Amy found that with me watching John she could have a "normal" life. Her and Ben would go out, dinner, movies, or just hang out. She was so happy that she began to neglect the fact John was her son, and only began to check up on him in the mornings and at night and coming to see him when she felt like it. He was living with me full time and she only watched him when she wasn't busy with Ben.

Her life was perfect; she got the joys of a child without having to do any work.

I was already up and in the shower as my mind still wandered. John was almost six months old now, I had to get another job to pay for everything he and I needed plus the cost of daycare, and I was trying to save money to set aside for other things. I was taking an online class to receive my GED, I had dropped out of high school but no one seemed to notice.

Adrian stopped coming by after the first month. I was too tired to put up with her and spent most of our time together fighting with her.

I was brushing my teeth in the shower as I usually did. It was just quicker this way. I had to drop off John at five forty-five, be at the construction site at six a.m., on my breaks I would study for my online classes. When I got off at two p.m. I would go see John at the daycare for an hour then I was off to the butcher shop for shift from three thirty to eight thirty. Margaret picked John up at five p.m. and I would pick him up from her when I got off work and feed him dinner, study and play with him before putting him to bed. Then I would study some more before taking my classes online and hopefully be in bed by midnight.

I never got my full five hours of sleep though, John would wake up and I would have to take care of him.

I stepped out of the shower and began drying off. I glanced in the mirror. I looked horrible.

I lost a lot of weight and had dark circles under my eyes. I looked worse than usual though. Not that anyone noticed, Margaret did and constantly asked me to get rest and be safe, but no one else did. Ben no longer worked at the butcher shop and Amy never really talked to me when she came to see John or when I dropped him off. I had recently got a gig with a band as a replacement drummer, the money was good but it was through the nights so I normally got no sleep.

We had one last night, I'm milking it for all its worth because once their drummer recovers I'm out. We have two more gigs over the next two days.

Margret watches John on those nights but I pick him up before I go home, I don't like being away from him.

I was running on practically no sleep, caffeine pills and energy drinks.

I was feeding John and drinking a cup of coffee. Glancing at the clock I saw I had to get him to daycare in fifteen minutes. Groaning I stood and made sure I had everything before hauling John, me and his diaper bag to the car.

A few hours later I was sitting on the roof of the building we were working on at the construction site for my lunch break.

Dan a forty something man sat next to me as I drank an energy drink and poured over my GED books.

"That your lunch?" he asked staring at the can in my other hand.

I grunted and nodded not looking away from the text on the pages.

"come on kid you need to eat" he said handing me part of his sandwich, which I took thanking him with a nod.

He sighed "Ricky you're driving yourself into the ground. I know you want what's best for your kid, but if this keeps going your gonna end up dead or hurt. Last week you fell asleep on the job you're lucky I found you and not the foreman."

"I can't help it, I have no help, my fosters can only do so much" I looked up at the sun "I'm doing this for John; I have to be a good father…" I didn't go on I didn't want to get into my fear of ending up like Bob.

Dan shook his head and stood up patting my shoulder "just be careful."

I was playing with John at the daycare trying not to fall asleep. My stomach hurt from the sandwich I got from Dan, it had been awhile since I ate actual food. As John tried to crawl to some blocks I began spacing off.

I thought of Amy, I had been doing that a lot. Not like sudden epiphany I love you and am doing this for you so we can eventually be together type thinking. No I was wondering how she could be so callous about her own son; I know she didn't want him at first. I knew she hated me. And I know she wanted to be a normal high school student, boyfriend, dating, hanging out with friends, etcetera, etcetera.

But she was acting like John was someone else's kid. Who she could see whenever she wanted and not watch unless she felt like it. I was sure her family wasn't much help. George and Anne had their own baby on the way and Ashley seemed to be distant from everyone.

I started coughing bringing myself from my own daydream. Once it subsided I pulled out a tissue and wiped the blood of my hand.

Yeah I know, I should get it checked out. But I don't have the time or money.

(General POV)

Margaret knocked on a door. It wasn't long before a slender girl answered the door her boyfriend standing behind her "Ah I'm sorry for coming over unannounced but I need to speak with you Amy."

Amy nodded "come in."

When they made it to the kitchen Margaret gave Ben a look that meant he wasn't needed for the conversation, he turned and went to the living room. The two woman sat at the table, Amy looked nervous she never really talked to Ricky's foster mom before "uh can I get you something to drink?"

Margaret shook her head and looked at the young girl sadly, taking her hands with her own she pleaded to Amy "I came here to ask a favor, beg if I need to…"

Amy looked confused "huh?"

Margaret started crying "you have to help Ricky."

"Ricky!" she said "is there something wrong, did something happen to John?"

"John's fine I'm gonna be watching him tonight" Margaret said, Amy looked huffy as if she was about to comment on Ricky pawning John off but Margaret was still crying "Amy please… Ricky won't listen to me, he's killing himself!"

Amy blinked "what?"

Margaret dabbed her eyes with a tissue "don't you know what he's been doing?"

Amy shook her head, immediately negative thoughts started 'is Ricky cutting himself, or on drugs! Or…'

Margaret looked at the floor "he quit school" Amy's mouth dropped open, she hadn't noticed that she hadn't seen him in the halls lately "he's working three jobs at the moment and taking care of John."

(Amy POV)

Three jobs! What the hell is he thinking? And he dropped out of school! What's going on with him… slowly I realized that I wouldn't know, because I don't talk to him anymore unless I have to.

Ricky's foster mom looked back up at me "he hasn't been eating, just taking caffeine pills and energy drinks. He spends all his free time with John or studying for his GED. He doesn't sleep or get much when he does…"

I felt horrible, reality just caught up with me. John was my son too but Ricky never complained and I took that as a sign he didn't have any troubles. I've been so busy having fun with Ben and my friends I forgot the most important part of my life.

At first I wanted to believe Margaret's worry was just over-protectiveness, but she seemed so torn that there had to be something wrong. I just didn't know how serious.

Or how to handle that.

"I don't know what I can do" I said quietly, my mind still reeling.

"Please Amy" she said looking at me again "he thinks he's doing this just for John, and to be a good father… but you must know, it has to do with you too."

"Me?" I asked.

Margaret nodded "he's trying so hard to make up for getting you pregnant, he's told me you hate him for it and he's trying his best to redeem himself."

Hate him! I don't hate him… I mean I had said it before but I didn't mean it. I was just so angry with him at the time, at myself, my parents, and my life. But I didn't hate him… no not really, of course I wouldn't admit this to anyone but myself… but I still loved him. Just like I loved him at band camp and after, but the shock of pregnancy and his actions forced that love to hide.

I was broken out of my thoughts when Margaret was still rambling "…I know I shouldn't be telling you all this. But he missed so much; he was just as scared as you were if not more."

She was looking down at the table "he was afraid he would turn out like Bob, so he tried to distance himself, he figured Ben would be better than him. But then he came around and realized he wasn't Bob or even like him, and he was so sad he missed out on your pregnancy and it's something he can never get back."

I was slightly confused but it seemed as if Margaret was just venting not even noticing me anymore "He never got a sonogram picture, or to hear Johns heartbeat, or to feel him kick or to be included in the naming process."

I suddenly felt a heavy guilt settle on my heart, I had been the one to keep him from those things. He missed the entire experience because I was scared and so was he. I unconsciously touch my stomach missing the feel of John moving within me; it felt so empty after having a life grow inside of you.

(Ricky's POV)

Bunnie no longer worked at the butcher shop, she had retired shortly after John was born. An older man near his late fifties was now the manager, his name was Edward, kind of cynical and mean but that didn't bother me.

I was at work when he yelled from the back "Richard! Phone!" I hated when he called me that but walked back to get it.

He handed me the phone "hello?"

"Mr. Underwood?" came a soft voice.

"Yeah" I said confused.

"oh sorry this is Rachel from the daycare, I'm sorry to bother you at work but it's five thirty and we are closing up… but John is still here, we haven't been able to reach Margaret."

My mind went into panic mode but I forced myself to remain calm, the thoughts of what might have happened to Margaret were dark in nature. Swallowing the lump in my throat "uh ok, I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Ok thank you sir."

Edward was standing near the doorway "everything ok?"

"My foster mom didn't show up to pick up my son, I'm sorry I have to go" my mind didn't register to call anyone else to go pick him up. I was having trouble thinking straight as it was, especially with my sleep deprivation.

"Yeah, yeah get outta here kid but your gonna make up your missed time got it?" he grouched.

I nodded "yes sir, thank you."

I was going down the road when I began to nod off; shaking myself awake I opened my window to let the wind rush in noisily. I then turned my radio up trying to stay awake, I couldn't fall asleep now or anytime soon, I was about to pick up John and I couldn't endanger him. But my mind began to wander as thoughts of what happened to Margaret flooded me; she had never been late before for anything.

The warm wind made the music blaring turn into a constant buzzing as I was lost in thought, the next thing I know I nodded off.

Snapping my head back up I had just enough time to see I was only out for a second. But that was all it took, I was cutting across the road and into the guardrail.

In a split second the most important events in my life played out.

My first birthday with my foster parents.

The first girl I slept with.

Learning to play the drums.

Meeting Amy at band camp.

Finding out she was pregnant.

John being born.

John giggling at me and smiling so innocently for the first time.

My car lifted and twisted before slamming into the ground and rolling then everything went black.

(Amy's POV)

My phone rang loudly startling Margaret and I "sorry" I said looking away from the woman and to the caller id "huh, it's the daycare."

Margaret stood up "oh no! I forgot to pick up John!"

I quickly answered the phone "Hello?"

"Miss Juergens?"

I found myself nodding as I spoke "yes, is John ok?"

"well we called his father half an hour ago but he has yet to show, it's six and we're locked up, but I will stay with John until one of you can come pick him up."

"Ok I'll be right there!" I said into the phone and hung up "they called Ricky and he hasn't shown up I need to go get John."

(General POV)

Margaret nodded "I'll take you…" she had been pulling out her phone to call Ricky when she noticed five missed calls in the last few minutes, then she remembered she put her phone on silence when she was picking up paperwork at the clinic.

Amy went to grab her purse and tell Ben what was going on, the two teens came into the kitchen to see her on the phone.

"Sanjay, please calm down what are you saying?" Margaret's face fell in shock "what do you mean Ricky is in the hospital!"

Amy felt her chest tighten as the words replayed in her head.

A/N~ still working on my other stories... just very, very, very slowly...