I reached for you this morning
Woke up with empty arms
Once again its sinking in
How far away you are
I still poor two cups of coffee
and tell you all about my dreams
This kitchen's way to quiet
You should still be here with me
I woke up to me alarm clock going off. I turn to shut it off and it reads 7:30. I turned aback around to kiss you good morning. But your not there. It hit again how your not here. Tears come to my eyes as I just stare at your pillow. I cant stop them as they fall. I cant do this not right now. I get out of bed and g into the bath room. Walking over to the sink I see myself in the mirror. My brown eyes you loved are dead looking. My skin pale. I splash my face with water and walked to the kitchen. Grabbing two coffee cups from the cabinet I walked over and poured coffee on them. Not even realizing it. I cant still hear your voice when I would tell you about the dreams I had and you laugh when they were really out there.
***Flashback***
"Edward I'm serious you were a vampire. You and Alice and everyone." You just sat at the island with you coffee laughing.
"Did I try to suck your blood?" He said trying to put on a serious face.
"No you drank animal blood."
"Well at least I didn't kill you." You laughed and walked over to me. Putting your arms around me you kiss me. "I think that wins the worlds strangest dreams."
"Yeah I guess it does." I laugh and kiss you again.
****end flashback****
I looked down and saw the second cup.
"What the hell you doing Bella." I said to myself. I sigh and pour It down the drain.
And even though I cry like crazy
Even though it hurts so bad
I'm thankful for the time god gave me
Even though we couldn't make it last
I'm learning how to live with out you
Even though I don't want to
And even with you done love lives on
I walked back in to the bed room and looked at the bed. where all our love was made
***flashback***
You lay beside me, both of us catching out breaths. I move closer and put my head on you chest. You wrapped you arms around me and kissed my head. Both of us covered on nothing but a bed sheet.
"I love you." You say. I looked at you and smile.
"I love you too." I lean up and kiss you. Laying my head down I smile to myself as I fall asleep.
****end flashback****
I shook my head and go into the bathroom. I strip of my cloths and get in the shower. The warm water hitting my skin. But I cant feel it, I'm numb. I lean up against the wall and slid down. I don't stop the tears this time letting them fall. the sound of the shower drowning out the sound of my sobs.
I get out and get ready for work. Some days I just want to lay on bed and cry all day, but I cant. I have to tell myself I live goes on. Even though I don't want it to. I want to go back and just freeze time. When you were still here with me.
I still call you mom on Sunday
Its good to hear her voice
She always tells me that same story
About her stubborn little boy
And I kept your favorite t-shirt
You know that one I used to hate
Ain't it funny how it's the one thing now
I just cant throw away
I picked up the phone and dialed that familiar number.
"Hello?" A woman answers the phone.
" Hey Esme."
"Bella. How are you." She always asks me the same thing every time.
"I'm doing fine." And I always lie.
"Liar I can hear it in you voice that your not." And she always calls me out on it.
"Really Esme I am." She sighs.
"Well your coming over for dinner tonight. I don't what you say you are."
"Esme I cant."
"Yes you can and you are."
"Your so stubborn." I laugh
"Where do you think he got from." She gives a small laugh.
"mmm." I could talk. I felt the lump in my throat and blinked away the tears.
***flashback***
"Edward breakfast is done babe!" I called you as I sat the plate down on the table.
You came down the stairs wearing your old high school gym shirt. You've had since freshman year and it for some reason was your favors. It was all worn with a hole where the collar is, the letters all faded.
"Thanks baby." You said sitting down and start eating.
"Why do you still have that thing?"
"What I gotta support my fellow warriors." We both grew up in Forks a small town in Washington and it always rained. Only good thing about the rain was you never had to worry about watering your plants. We went to Forks high school and we then warriors. It could have been worse though like rabbits or something. Edward played foot ball with my brothers Emmet and Jasper and he was the star quarterback. I was co-captain on the cheerleading squad with his sister Alice. We were a total cliché but unlike most football stars and captions we made it past high school and collage together.
"Edward you've had that thing for 12 years. Its has holes and you can barely see the letters. We don't even live in Forks anymore."
After high school we moved to New York. He went to New York Medical Collage and I went to NYU. He had always dreamed of being a doctor and now he was. He was a pediatrician at the local hospital and I was an English teacher at the local high school. We lived in an apartment lover looking the river. Edward's parents Esme and Carlisle bought it for us when we graduated collage. And I t was not small. With there money they could have bought 6 floors easily and still have a lot over.
"What can I say its my favorite."
"And I hate it. You really need to throw it away. Its better days are far behind it." He looks up with a shocked face.
"I could never." He said being a little dramatic.
"Ok what ever drama queen." I said standing up and collecting our plates.
He looks up and me and gasps.
"I am not a drama queen." I just laugh and roll my eyes as I walk back in the kitchen.
****end flashback****
"Bella…Bella." Esme's voice brought me out of my memory.
"Oh sorry Esme. I um. I have to go."
"Aright dear. I'll see you tonight."
"Okay. Bye."
"Good bye."
I hung up and went in to the bed room. I went over to the drawer and pulled out the shirt. I held it up and smelled it. It still smells like you. Tears came to my eyes and I sat on the bed. I just held it while I cried.
And even though I cry like crazy
Even though it hurts so bad
I'm thankful for the time god gave me
Even though we couldn't make it last
I'm learning how to live without you
Even though I don't want to
And even with out gone love lives on.\
I remember that day perfectly. Like it was just yesterday
***flash back***
You stood behind me as I looked in the closet to find something to wear. You wrapped you arms around my waste and kissed my neck. I leaned my into you and sighed.
"Edward you going to be late."
"I can be a few minutes late." He said kissing my neck again.
"Go. We can finish this when you get home, and go even farther." I said as I turned around to face him. He just sighed and looked at the clock.
"You promise?"
"Promise." I said kissing him.
"Okay. Bye baby I love you." He said and kissed me once more.
Llove you too." I said and I heard the door shut when he left.
It was the middle of 4th period and I was teaching my class about the different ways to writhing a story.
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing!
I heard my phone ringing. I looked at the class and smiled apologetically and go over to my desk.
"Is that really you ring tone Mrs. Cullen?" I heard my student John ask
"Yeah its when my brother Emmett calls." I grabbed my phone and flipped it open.
"Someone better be dieing Em. I'm in the middle of a class."
"Bella." He breathed, he sounded like he was crying
"Emmett what's wrong?"
"You umm. You need to get down here." His voice broke. I don't even one what's wrong and tears are already in my eyes just hearing his voice break
"Emmett what the hell is going on." I heard him take a deep breath and let it out.
"I cant tell you over the phone just get here."
"I'm on my way." I hung up and grabbed my purse. I ran out of the room and went to the next room over.
"Emily take over the rest of my classes I need to go." I didn't wait for her response and ran out. I got in my car and tears were still in my eyes.
When I got to the hospital Jasper was waiting for me outside.
"Jasper what the fuck is going on." He looked at me and he had tear streaks down his face. He took a deep breath and started
"I don't know if you know but they was a problem down in the E.R. A man brought his daughter in but they didn't have any insurance or any money to even pay foe it. We turn him away but he pulled out a gun. Everyone froze and the guards came but they couldn't do anything they don't carry anything worse then those stick things. He started screaming and waving the gun around. He started threatening to shoot someone if they didn't help. Edward heard about it and came down. The guy saw him and snapped. He didn't hear Edward say he was there to help his daughter. He just shot him."
My heart stopped. I couldn't breath, I couldn't think. Tears were coming faster and faster.
"WHAT! WHERE IS? IS HE OKAY? I NEED TO SEE HIM!"
"Emmett's in with him now." He said. I let out a breath I didn't now I was holding. If Emmett was with him that means he's okay, the guy didn't kill him. Jasper looked in my eyes.
"The bullet hit him in the chest just an inch or two from his heart. They did all they could and bought him some time. Bells….he not going to make."
"NO..NO YOUR WRONG! HE WILL MAKE IT HE WILL PROVE YOU WRONG. HE PROVED EVERYONE WRONG WHEN THEY SAID HE WOULDN'T MAKE IT AS A DOCTOR. HE WIL MAKE IT. He will." Jasper pulled me in his arms.
"Come on I'll take you to his room"
He was laying in his bed raised up little. His skin pale white and his eyes dull. He saw me and gave a small smile. Emmett moved from the chair he was sitting on.
"Hey baby" I said and kissed him and took his hand. He smiled
"Bella." He looked over to Jasper.
"Where's Melina?" He asked. He couldn't talk loudly due to the bullet so close to his heart he couldn't breath very well.
"Alice just called she and Meena just pulled up." It didn't take a genius to know he was saying good bye.
"Edward don't you dare do this. I know your saying good bye. You cant do this." I cried
"Bella there's…. nothing they… can do…if they do…surgery I would….just go into sh….ock. This…way..I..I can sa…y.. good..bye."
Just then Melina came bouncing in. She's only three and loosing her dad. He hopped up on my lap.
"Hi mommy." She said cheerfully. She looked over to Edward.
"Hi daddy!"
"Hello my …..sweet girl." Hears came to his eyes and fell down his cheeks. She looked back at me and saw I was crying too then back to Edward.
"Daddy what's wrong. Why you crying." Edward looked at me then back to her.
"I'm crying cause I'm sad."
"Why are you sad."
"Because I cant… go home… with you aaaand.. mommy anymore." He said my tears came faster. I looked over and saw alice emmett and jasper crying just the same.
"Why not."
"Because I'm…ping to go…see you poppa Charlie." Charlie was my dad. He died in a car wreck a few months back. You think telling an adult someone died try explaining it to a three year old.
"But poppa Charlie is in heaven. You have to die to go there." She sat there and then it clicked.
"NO! NO DADDY YOU CANT DIE! NO! NO PLEASE. WHO WILL WATCH CARTOONS WITH ME? OR DANCE WITH ME! WHO WILL PLAY THE PRINCE WHEN I DRESS UP OR PICK ME UP AND SPIN ME AROUND. WHO WILL READ ME BED TIME STORIES OR TUCK ME INTO BED…YOU CAN DIE DADDY YOU CAN'T! I LOVE YOU DADDY DON'T DIE!" She sobbed. We all did. Emmett sobbed in front of the bed. Alice sobbed into jaspers chest on the other side of Edward. I sobbed holding his hand tighter and he sobbed holding hers.
"I…. love you to…. sweetie but I… have to. If I could I…. would stay with… you..and mommy…. Forever…give…me…a..hug." I was getting harder for him to breath and I felt his hand getting cold. She leapt from my lap into his chest. He didn't even wince. He was numb. He was getting close.
"I….love….you…princess…" He said and kissed her head.
"I love you too daddy."
He looked over to emmett. "Take… care…. of… them…. For…. me."
He cleared his throat and wiped his face "what ever you want dude." his voice cracked.
"Take…her…I…don't..want her….to…see." He said looking down at Melina.
"Yea..yea. Come here Meena lets got sit in the waiting room.
"NO! NO! I CANT LEAVE DADDY!" She clung to Edward.
"Sweetie…go….with….Him…please….I….love….you…..always….. remember…..that…never….forget." He breathed and kissed he forehead for the last time.
"I love you too daddy!" She cried as Emmett took her out of the room.
"Jasper…I..need..you…to..promise…to..help…take..care..of..them…and.. Alice…to."
"Of course." He choked.
"Alli…I…love..you…you…were…the…best…sister…a..guy…could..ask….for.."
"I love you too big brother." She sobbed and kissed his head. Her and japer stepped out of the room.
"Bella….I..love…you..I….will…always…be…with…you." He was getting colder and he could barley breath now.
"I love you to baby." I kissed him and he closed his eyes.
"I love you…" He trailed off. The monitor that was keeping track of his heart beat went flat. I broke out in loud sobs and held his hand. I just sat there for awhile holding my dead husbands hand.
She comes with me on your birthday
Little flowers in her hands
She's always known there's something missing
But to young to understand
And someday she's going to ask me
What kind of man you were
I'll tell her all the ways I loved you
And all the you I see in her
Its been 7 months. Melina's now four. We walked up the path of the cemetery. She had one hand in mine and flowers she picked from our garden in the other. We walked to your grave and she knelt down in front of it.
"Hi daddy. I brought you flowers. I got them from the garden out back. You know the one you would always help me water. I miss you. I still cry because your gone." tears cloud my vision.
"Mommy cries too. She tries to hide it but her eyes are always red ands watery. I hear her cry at night after she puts me to bed. I miss you daddy."
I walked up and knelt down next to her.
"I love you Edward and miss you everyday."
We stayed there for another hour just sitting there talking to him like he was there in person.
"I miss daddy mommy." She said as she got into bed.
"I miss him to. But remember what he said he will always be with you."
"Mommy what if I forget what he looks like when I get older."
"You wont forget sweetheart. You know why?"
"Why?"
"Because of all the pictures you have." She had 5 all around her room. I picked up the one she had facing her on her bedside table.
"And when you look in the mirror you can he his eyes staring right back at you. You have his eyes." I covered her with her blankets and gave her her teddy bear Edward gave her a few months ago. She smiled and snuggled in.
"I love you mommy."
"I love you too sweetie." I kissed her forehead and walked out. I left the door open a little before I walked away I heard her say
"I love you daddy."
And even though I cry like crazy
Even though it hurts so bad
I'm thankful for the time he gave me
And she's the perfect was to make it last
Learning how to live without you
Baby I don't want you to
But even with you gone
Love lives on yeah
I walked into my room and shut the door. I leaned up against it and slid to the floor. I sat there sobbing for I don't know how long. I opened my eyes and leaned my head back looking up
"I love you Edward."
I reached for you this morning
Woke up with empty arms