Judy Hopps fully admitted she'd done her share of silly or immature things. As a firm rule, she made it a point to take the blame. The press conference fiasco? Yep, totally her fault. Nick's first bad fight with Taelia? She had no way of anticipating it, but yeah, that was also on her head. She was even willing to take the heat for the incident with Chief Bogo's noodles, though the truth was even she wasn't sure of everything that happened that time.
The great Prank War, though? No. To her dying day, that one was totally on Nick. Her only part in starting the mess was inviting him out to her family's farm for a few weeks of R&R. Chief Bogo had put them on leave to recover after a particularly rough case, the details of which she preferred to forget. They had nabbed the bad guys, but… well, she didn't like to think about it. Anyway, short of being shipwrecked Judy knew of no better place than her family's farm to just unplug from the world for a while. Nick had only been too happy to accept a little time out in the sticks… at least after learning the Sisters Six were away. Since he had proven him so well on his Christmas visits the family was more than happy to see him.
With all those things going well, she should have known it would be trouble. Sure enough, one evening as she was taking a turn helping her mom dry dishes, it struck… like a train.
"Hey, Mom!" called Violet, poking her head into the kitchen. "You've gotta come to the back porch! Santa's telling us the funniest story!" Violet insisted on calling Nick 'Santa,' but that's another story.
Bonnie pricked up her ears. "What about?"
The next answer made Judy's stomach lurch.
"He's telling us about the time he set Judy up for a date!"
Bonnie whipped her head around toward Judy, but Judy wasn't there. She was off like a shot, still grasping a wet glass.
About two minutes before…
Out on the back porch, Nick was at the center of attention and loving every minute of it.
"Tell us another!" someone called while the others were still cackling at his latest funny anecdote.
"Okay, okay." He paused and made a show of thinking very hard. He could almost smell the gathered kits' excitement. When he spoke again, the words came out slowly and deliberately, teasing their high-strung hopes. "Did I tell you guys about the first time a guy asked me to give your sister his number?"
Everyone sat bolt upright. "Judy has a boyfriend?!" someone cried.
Nick grinned, checking the door out of the corner of his eye. "Wellll, how about I tell you the story and you guys figure it out?"
A chorus of excited agreements came at him from all directions.
"Okay. So his name's Kevin, and he happens to be an old card buddy of mine. Well, he ended up involved in a case of ours, and when we were done and Carrots was out of earshot, he gives me his number and asks me to give it to her."
One of the older girls in the bunch snorted. "Sounds pretty wimpy if he can't approach a girl himself."
"Ah ah ah, just keep listening. Anyway, since we were on a case, I figured I'd hold off on that just for a while. When we got to a snag in the case, though, Carrots started getting a little tense, and I figured she needed to… unwind a little."
This produced a mix of reactions from the group. Some snickered. Others widened their eyes and pricked up their ears as straight as they would go.
"So I told her, 'you know, Carrots, sometimes when you're stuck on a problem you need to step back and work on something you can handle.' And I gave her the guy's number."
One of the kits scrunched her face. "Since when does Judy drop anything for a date?"
This produced a chorus of murmurs as rabbits all around realized that was true. Judy was certainly the most driven of the bunch, but the flip side was that she was pretty much unanimously considered the most likely member of the Hopps brood to reach retirement age without kits.
"Ah-ha," Nick countered, raising an index claw. "There's the fun part. See, I knew she wouldn't want a date, but I also guessed she had experience telling guys she wasn't interested."
Several of the young bucks in the group grew indignant at this, but Nick pressed ahead before they could object. "What she didn't know was that he didn't want to go out with her anyway. I hadn't told her that this was a guy from Precinct One's tech division. He only wanted her to have his number so she'd be able to get hold of him if she needed someone good with computers."
Most of the girls in the group chorused their disappointment, but a few of the guys laughed.
"So she was turning down a guy who didn't want to ask her out?" asked a buck named Alex. "Harsh."
"Oh, that's just the warm-up. When I got his number, I dropped him a hint that she might take that as a romantic gesture. So when he heard from her…"
The group collapsed in laughter. "Oh, that's priceless!" someone shouted. "So what happened next?"
Nick grinned, fished out his phone, and skimmed his collection of recordings set aside for blackmail. "Well, why don't I let Carrots tell you in her own-"
"NICHOLAS WILDE, DROP THAT PHONE!"
Quick as lightning, Nick pocketed the phone. "Oops. Sorry folks! It's time for our intermission!"
Some cheetahs he knew – or one, anyway – would have been put to shame by his hasty exit. Judy, however, was close on his heels trying to ignore the chants of "Judy! Judy!" and "Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!" that sprang up behind them. In particular, she tried to ignore the noticeable majority rooting for Nick.
Through the house the two of them raced, zig-zagging around rabbits carrying laundry, carting around household items, and some obliviously texting on their phones.
"You told me you erased that!" she shrieked, springing up to a wall and off again as she rounded a corner.
Nick vaulted over a pack of stunned kits in his continued flight. "What, you never heard of backups?"
"NICK!"
The fox held a solid lead until, darting down a staircase, he shot around a bend where it doubled back. Judy, seizing the chance, leaped over the railing and landed on the stairs below, grabbing Nick's shirt in one paw and the rail in the other. Nick's paws flew out from under him, bringing him down with a crash on the staircase.
Judy panted for breath as she slipped a step or two down to look him in the face. "Now," she told him, flush with anger and triumph, "about that recording…"
"JUDITH LAVERN HOPPS!" boomed her mother's voice over the household P.A. system, "Get to the living room right now!"
Judy lurched at the summons, then glowered down at Nick.
"You're coming with me," she growled.
Nick raised a paw, waving his index claw back and forth. "Ah-ah-ahh, you're the one she call-"
"And bring Nick too, right this minute!"
Seeing he was properly cornered, Nick raised his paws in surrender. "Okay, okay, but I want my one phone call."
Judy hauled him to his feet and started dragging him up to the ground floor. She knew she was making a much bigger deal over this than it was really worth, but she was too ticked off to stop herself now. "Nick, I want that phone right now, and I want to know where else you have that recording."
"Well, for that second one you'll have to get a warrant," he teased, "and technically I can't be forced to testify. For the first, I stashed the phone way before you caught me. You'll never find it in a million years."
Judy's blood pressure shot through the roof.
Bonnie Hopps was nothing if not a strict disciplinarian, and the ages of any mammal under her rule were no grounds for exception in her book.
"Judy, I know you're not as even-keeled as most does your age," she acknowledged, clasping her paws together. "But you know the rules around here and you've had Nick here long enough for him to know them too. You're setting a bad example for the kits around here."
Judy didn't even try to make a defense, other than glaring at Nick for inciting the scurry in the first place.
"Now I want you both to clean up any messes you made in the hall, and then you can report to the kitchen for dish duty."
As natural as the punishment was, Judy felt compelled to protest at this point. "Mom, I get that we have rules around here, but Nick went too far. I'm pleading extenuating circumstances."
Alas for Judy, her mother was not and would never be a lawyer; just judge, jury, and if need be executioner. "I'm done arguing about it," she insisted. "You know the rules, Hun-Bun. Dishes for three hours."
Judy sighed in resignation and made a point to step on Nick's tail as they headed off to fulfill their sentence. At least she would have if Nick hadn't whisked his tail clear.
Of course, Judy couldn't let a slight like that – and Nick getting her in trouble to top it off – go without a fight. Employing her knowledge of her vulpine vexation, she decided to hit his greatest weakness the following morning.
"Hey, Josie," she hissed, passing by one of her nieces the following morning in one of the quieter dens off the main dining room. Nick might have been a city mammal, but he liked a little solitude when he ate – and besides, the feeding frenzies in the Hopps household were sometimes enough to put a great white shark on a diet.
The kit looked up. "Yeah, Aunt Judy?"
Judy fished out a pad and colored pencil. "I need you to do me a quick favor. Could you write a couple of notes to Uncle Nick?"
Josie looked at her in confusion. "Why don't you write it?" she asked.
"Well…" Judy considered how much to say. Though her family had their misgivings about him at first, Nick was pretty popular around the warren. "I'm planning a little surprise for him, and if he knows it's from me he'll suspect what it is."
Little Josie took the bait like a starving muskie. "Okay."
Once the notes were penned, Judy watched with smug satisfaction as Josie darted off down the hall in search of Stu.
Game on, Junior Detective.
Not too long after, Nick wandered into the den where Judy had put all in place. On one of the small tables interspersed among the chairs, there sat a platter of tarts and a thermos which he guessed must be full of coffee. A note propped among the pastries – or at least those that remained, read in what could only be a child's paw-writing, 'Rezerved for Uncl Nick. Do Not Tuch.'
That's what I get for getting up late, he mused. The other note, which he had found tucked under his door, had been in the same paw, thanking him for the great stories yesterday and telling him of a special breakfast. Apparently some of the brood hadn't respected the gift, but it was the thought that counted.
Plunking into a chair, Nick considered the pastries and popped one into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully. They were a bit on the dry side and tasted like someone had maybe put some salt in them by mistake, but none too bad. He opened the thermos, and the aromatic steam of hot coffee – creamed and sugared just the way he liked – wafted up. There was a slightly off scent to it, but one couldn't ask for everything.
As he was about to take a sip, Bonnie and Judy walked past, both bearing heaped baskets of folded linens. Judy chanced to glance into the room and caught sight of Nick.
"Well, look who's finally up," she announced, still sounding nonplussed with him for yesterday's stunt.
Nick just smirked back. "Well, good morning to you too, Officer Fluff. Still working off your penance?"
Judy set down her basket behind her mother, who had paused at the conversation. "Har har. As a matter of fact, no. I'm just helping out today."
Bonnie pushed her paws against the small of her back. "Ohh, I'm getting too old for this," she complained. "Mind some company, Nick? I need to sit a moment."
Nick waved her in, then glanced over at Judy. She had been glancing at the tray of snacks, then at the thermos in Nick's paw. "I heard about the special breakfast," she quipped. "Maybe you should try telling them about the carrot pen sometime."
"Ah-ah-ah," he objected, waving an index claw. "You know I have the right to remain silent."
He half-expected her to make some quip about it being a shame he didn't use that right more often. Maybe the fact that she didn't was responsible for his sudden fit of consideration, or maybe he just happened to look over at Bonnie. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd figured out what Judy had planned.
It was a secret he would vow to take to his grave.
"You know," he ventured, stepping to Mrs. Hopps, "I haven't touched this yet, and you look like you could use a pick-me-up."
Bonnie looked touched. Judy looked ill.
"Oh, now that is just so sweet of you, Nick," said the elder doe, laying a paw on her chest, "but I'm fine, really. You don't have to."
"No, no, I insist," he pressed. There was no mistaking the way Judy was squirming now on the sideline… if you happened to be looking her way. Bonnie's attention was fixed on Nick.
"It's your coffee, Nick, and you're a guest."
"And you've been working hard all morning." As he spoke, he poured some of the hot liquid into the thermos' cap, which was the sort designed to double as a mug. "Here, just have some of it."
There was no resisting the fox's charm, and besides that Bonnie did feel a bit of coffee would be just what the doctor ordered.
"Well, okay. I guess a drink couldn't hurt."
"Mom, wai-!"
It was too late. The mug met Bonnie's lips, her eyes flew open, and as Nick dexterously sidestepped, Bonnie sprayed the coffee over everything within a good four feet in front of her. Once the offending liquid was out of her mouth, she began to cough and gag while Judy thumped her on the back.
"Heavens to biscuit!" the older doe grimaced. "What on earth was that?"
Nick smirked. "Well, you'd probably have to ask Carrots, but if I had to guess I'd say it was the old pepper-in-the-coffee gag."
Bonnie turned her gaze on Judy, who shrank under her scrutiny. Before the younger doe could say anything, though, the elder threw up her paws.
"Okay, fine. You two sort this out. Just clean up your messes and don't burn the house down." With that she picked up her basket and stalked out of the room before poking her head back in a moment later.
"And no running in the house. I mean it!"
Judy took a deep breath and turned a glaring gaze on Nick. He, in turn, just smiled and slipped his paws into his pockets. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Carrots," he gloated. "You just picked a fight way outside your level, that's all."
He might as well have slapped her in the face with a mail gauntlet. "Oh, get over yourself. You are not above my level."
"I've got about a decade more of experience that says I am," he pointed out.
"Excuse me, did you forget the carrot pen? I can take you any day of the week."
"Sure you can… as long as it doesn't end in 'y.'"
Judy knew she was letting him get her riled, but she couldn't really help that. Stalking across the distance between them, she raised herself up to glare straight into his face. Nick knew well enough to be slightly worried now, but he maintained a cool exterior.
"You know you have gorgeous eyes, right?"
Like most arguments, there was a point where they lost track of who had said certain things and neither could quite agree afterward with the other's account. They did recall, though, that that was where the bet was made: First to prank the other twenty-five times was the winner. The loser, in turn, would have to face a penalty of the victor's choosing.
"Only no damage," Judy stipulated, recalling her mom's firm 'you make a mess, you clean it up' rule.
"No major damage," Nick haggled, as much to needle her as to gain some leeway.
Judy thought about arguing that further, but figured she'd gain as much freedom as she lost there. Instead she turned it to another bargaining point. "I'll buy that if you promise nothing risque."
"Oh, now, come on," Nick protested, laying a paw on his chest with a wide-eyed mock-wounded look. "Would I ever subject you to an indecent prank?"
"Mystic Springs, pal. Mystic Springs. Nothing risque on the pranks."
"Or the penalty, I suppose," he countered, his face plainly gloating that Judy was already bracing herself for defeat.
She scowled, reading his expression. "Well we both know I'm not going to go there when I win – which I will. But yeah, those are my rules. Take 'em or leave 'em."
The prospect of barraging Judy with shenanigans was too good to pass up. Nick stuck out a paw. "Officer Fluff, you've got a deal."
Judy inspected the paw very closely before shaking.
And there you are, folks! In the words of the Dread Pirate Roberts, "The battle of wits has begun."
In case you didn't know, this is going to be a little different from my usual creations. Prank War is my first attempt at a group collab project. If you're familiar with Cimar's collaborations, this one operates on a similar basis. I'll take care of the chapters most essential to the plot, such as this one (of course), but for the majority of this project I'll be taking chapters submitted by you the fans. What pranks will Nick and Judy pull? Will they win, lose, or tie? How much chaos can Bunnyburrow and the city of Zootopia take from the Martial Mammals of Mayhem? Most importantly… who wins?
The answer… is up to you!
Submission Process: You send an idea to evaluate, write the chapter and send it, and I make the chapters fit into an overall story line (e.g. any statements tracking the scores).
Rules: Chapters must be 1-3 thousand words long (if you have trouble with length I can try to help you flesh it out). Author's Notes such as this one can push it past that point, but please try not to go overboard with that.
Prank War is not part of any given story line, either my own or anyone else's, except that of the movie itself. References to other stories or incidents pertaining thereto will be handled on a case-by-case basis, but in general as long as it's not too involved it should be fine (see the nods to Santa Clawed and Something Stinks as examples; for anything more involved, feel free to ask).
Chains of pranks are allowed (e.g. a sequence of booby traps building off one another), but limited to four or five tops per chain. Chapters by a given author can be sequential if prepared well in advance.
This story is intended to be rated PG-13 at most, so ideas and chapters will be vetted accordingly. Please be tasteful.
Last but not least, have fun!