Disclaimer: Itachi and Deidara belong to Masashi Kishimoto, Taniuskey owns the teddy bear and Ito Miura owns its sexiness. The perversion is all my doing, but I don't get paid for it.
Warning: Yaoi. A few ugly words. Lime, I guess; nekkid people prancing around, sexual references with a plushie, stuff like that. Crackfic, as you might have guessed.
A/N: More crack about the teddy bear; sidefic to "Itachi's Teddy Bear". Story is as follows: Itachi has a teddy bear, called "Itachi's Teddy Bear". It is a sexy teddy bear.
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The wonderful Calamus translated it. She is great!!!!!
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Deidara's Teddy Bear
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Deidara knew he was playing with fire when he entered Itachi's bedroom behind his back and stole his teddy bear.
He shouldn't have done it, but the damned plushie was so sexy that not even he had managed to resist its charm. Deidara seizes any chance he gets to surround himself with beauty, and the teddy bear exuded sheer art through ever pore of its plush skin. The teddy bear was art.
A voice inside his head was begging him to come down to earth and remember that it was only an inanimate object -a piece of cloth, animal tissue and plastic harmoniously distributed in space- which nothing had to do with explosions, lustful bodies or any other thing that could possibly be attractive to a normal human being; but his passion would not answer to logic even if his brain recognised the truth in those words. The brain was stupid, his body screamed, while both parts of him collaborated to grab the teddy bear from its place of honour upon Itachi's bed and smuggle it out of Itachi's room stealthily.
Deidara wanted the teddy bear, and he wanted it here and now.
He was lucky that Itachi had decided no to transport the teddy bear under his cape that day. According to what he had overheard Itachi say during breakfast, the teddy bear was tired from their activities the previous night and was in dire need of a few hours' rest so he could be fit for the activities of the next day. Deidara always marvelled when he heard such comments; not only because Itachi talked of the teddy bear like it was a living being, but also because no matter how hard he tried he simply couldn't fathom the way to tire a teddy bear. Many a night had he stayed awake, pondering the issue, but it was still a very intriguing concept.
His curiosity shouldn't be misinterpreted. Deidara was no innocent. There were the times with Sasori, besides that night of which neither he nor Hidan had ever spoken again -Deidara wasn't into S&M, al least when he was sober-, and he would never forget that day in which he encountered the younger Uchiha, things got out of hand and they ended up rolling on the forest floor like animals in heat. Deidara certainly was no innocent, he simply didn't have much experience when it came to intercourse with plush animals.
It was only an excess of curiosity, he had told himself often, trying to deceive himself in vane. He had finally given up the fight.
The teddy bear was so sexy... it was practically inevitable trying to steal it, in spite of the deadly consequences.
Nobody played with Itachi's teddy bear. This was the only rule members of Akatsuki had to follow, and the very same rule Deidara was about to break, if what he was planning to do with the plushie could be called playing.
Longing for the feeling of the teddy bear on his skin, he ran into his room with the plushie in his arms, afraid that someone would find him out before he could relieve his pressing need. Once there, he placed the teddy bear carefully on the bed and, trembling with excitement, practically tore his own clothes to break free from them as soon as possible, almost falling down in the abruptness of his movements. In just seconds he was standing, unmoving like a statue, before the bed where the teddy bear sat comfortably atop a pillow.
Deidara blushed as he felt the artificial gaze of the teddy bear slowly explore his naked body.
It was so sexy. Its eyes, its skin, the teddy bear as a whole.
Now he could understand why Sasori had preferred to swallow the entire bottle of blue pills instead of living a solitary existence, without the light of the teddy bear. An existence without sexy teddy bear was not worth living; Deidara's life had not had any meaning until that very moment.
Itachi was the most fortunate being in the world for having been able to enjoy the teddy bear for so long.
Somewhat unsure of how to continue, se came a bit closer to the teddy bear, kneeling next to the bed so their eyes would be on the same level. However untrue he knew it was, he could have sworn the teddy bear was winking at him seductively. No, it hadn't moved (it was only a plushie, damnit) and, nonetheless, the attraction he felt towards it had increased.
Deidara leaned even more on the bed. He didn't know why, but now he felt the need to kiss it. Kiss the teddy bear, feel the soft plush caressing his lips, his skin, his... Deidara closed his eyes and moaned softly, his imagination getting the best of him.
In that moment a noise startled him, and Deidara sat up with a jump, getting away from the object of his passion.
There, only steps away, with his hand still on the doorknob and an indecipherable expression on his face, stood Itachi. Itachi, his Akatsuki colleague. Itachi, the owner of the teddy bear.
Deidara noted that his face was hot while he watched Itachi watch him, the teddy bear, and him again, looking at him up and down. Deidara suddenly realised he was wearing no clothes.
"It's not what it looks like!" he lied, trying to find a way out. "I didn't want to do anything with him! It was him that brought me here and stripped me naked against my will!" he exclaimed, pointing at the seemingly innocent teddy bear, while starting to fear for his life. Itachi was extremely possessive about his plushie.
Surprisingly, Itachi, instead of using the lethal abilities of his eyes and killing him, closed the still semi open door of the room and approached him. Deidara started feeling nervous, or, better said, his nervousness started changing locations. After all, it wasn't every day that he found himself naked in the same room with Itachi and his teddy bear, the deities of his nocturnal fantasies.
Itachi.
The teddy bear.
Itachi and the teddy bear.
The very same Itachi that had started taking off his clothes, and the very same teddy bear that looked on in perplexity; the very same perplexity that was playing on Deidara's face. He wasn't sure if the other was planning to make him a victim of a new and sophisticated torture method or if he was just offering him sex, but he did know that when it came to Itachi those two were hard to tell apart.
The Uchiha had completely divested himself of clothing and was now in front of Deidara, whose eyes, frozen upon Itachi's, refused to explore the rest of his partner's body, despite how intensely Deidara wished to free himself from that gaze. Practically grazing his lips as he spoke, Itachi whispered:
"You shouldn't have taken the teddy bear"
Deidara swallowed loudly.
"No" he admitted, feeling faintly dizzy.
"You won't touch it again, will you?" asked Itachi, his voice unusually seductive.
If Deidara had been in any condition to do so, he would have blinked in surprise; he had only heard Itachi use that tone of voice when he spoke about the teddy bear, things that splashed blood when stabbed with a spoon and the adorable way in which his baby brother used to fake being scared of storms to get into his bed, in those nights previous to Itachi's discovery of the beauty of the red patterns blood created upon leaving his relatives' bodies. If he had been capable of it, Deidara would have reacted to Itachi's tone of voice, but it seemed that his will had melted all the way down his body until it was a pool on the floor, and then Itachi had drunk it.
"Never again" he promised, half hypnotised by the red eyes that were looking attentively at him and the warmth that enveloped him, contrasting the coldness of that skin that was almost grazing his.
"Lay down on the bed" whispered Itachi into his ear. The soft feeling of the breath on the sensitive skin of his neck made Deidara tremble with pleasure.
Without stopping to contemplate the possibility of not obeying, Deidara did as told, not taking his eyes from Itachi's and trying to keep as far as possible from the teddy bear, lest he touch it by accident. The other sat on his stomach, straddling him, and broke the eye contact to look at the teddy bear for a moment; moment which Deidara, despite being overwhelmed by the feeling of Itachi's weight on him, seized as a chance to observe Itachi's body and the interesting effects he, or maybe the teddy bear, had on the usually impassive Uchiha.
Itachi meanwhile, had taken the teddy bear from its place on the pillow, hugged it lovingly in greeting and had started playing with it, looking alternately at Deidara and at the teddy bear with a strange glow in his eyes.
"I thought you said I couldn't touch it again" said Deidara, confused, when Itachi had, seemingly unintentionally, started bringing the teddy bear closer to him.
"Yes" admitted Itachi, now focusing all his attention on Deidara, and holding the teddy bear agonizingly close to his chest. "But I never said that the teddy bear couldn't touch you" he clarified, and smiled.
Deidara held back a gasp of surprise, which soon became a moan of pleasure. Maybe having taken Itachi's teddy bear hadn't been such a bad idea after all...
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The end?
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