"Precious Pain"
by Niklarus
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all characters, places, etc. from said show belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB Network. Collinsport is the property of Dan Curtis Productions, MPI Video and other companies whose names I can't remember right now. No copyright infringement is intended. Cordelia's sister, Dani, Alexandra "Alli" Daniels, and Xander's sister, Hannah, belong to me.
Note: I'll be using braces {} to indicate people's actual thoughts so that I can actually tell the difference between that and my dialogue. (I'm a little rusty with this writing thing. VBG)
And now, on to the story
The teenaged girl closed her hand into a fist and raised it to knock on the door of 1630 Ribello, unconsciously ignoring the doorbell that stood next to the knob. Trembling, she softly brushed her knuckles against the door. So softly did she knock that no sound at all was produced. Shaking with the barely suppressed urge to turn around and run all the way home, she let her fist drop to her side and closed her eyes.
{What am I doing here? Why did I ever think she would listen? Or care? This is a mistake. She doesn't even like me. What if someone sees me here? That would be SO not good.}
{NO! I have to do this! I have to!}
She opened her eyes and panted, just then realizing that she had been holding her breath. Hugging herself, she turned and took a step away from the door. As she closed her eyes again, both sides of the argument ran through her mind at the same time. {What if she's mad? I have to explain. She could slam the door on me. I have to explain.}
She turned back to the door and stepped forward, breathing in deeply. While she exhaled slowly, she raised her fist to the door again. This time she knocked carefully – and forcefully.
** ** **
Willow Rosenberg sank back into her chair and sighed happily. For the first time in weeks there were no vampiric uprisings, Internet-based demons (a shiver ran down her spine at the thought of how easily Moloch/Malcolm had been able to fool her) or invisible psychopaths stalking people. Still, there was something she had seen in Giles' manner that worried her. He had seemed distracted, even anxious for them to leave. But for this one night they were all going to relax and have fun.
** ** **
Earlier
"Sounds like we have time for a Buffy and the Slayerettes' triple feature," Xander had proclaimed as they left the library. "Pizza, chocolate and movies."
"'Buffy and the Slayerettes?' Sounds more like a bad 50s band," Buffy quipped.
"Oooh, can you imagine Giles as a drummer?" Willow herself had chimed in.
All three stopped short and slowly turned to look at each other. "Nah," they said in unison, shaking their heads. Xander found himself suddenly struck by a mental image of the very proper British librarian trying to pound out a rock and roll beat while wearing his trademark tweed suit, vest and tie. Watching his facial contortions as he tried to keep from laughing, Willow tried to hide her own silent laughter behind her hand. Buffy took one look at the two of them and burst out in helpless laughter. This slew their attempts at self-control and they promptly joined her in laughing until they were out of breath.
"O-OK," Buffy choked out when they had finally managed to regain a semblance of control. "Mister Chocoholic here can bring the snacks. Willow, you and I will get the movies and the pizza."
"No sad movies, OK guys?" Xander asked. "They make my eyes all itchy."
"And watery," Willow added, gently and fondly teasing his tendency to cry during such films.
"Gee, thanks Will," he commented dryly.
"So you'll meet us at my house in two hours, right?" Buffy asked him.
"Wild vampires couldn't keep me away." He paused for dramatic effect. "After all, it's still daylight."
** ** **
Willow was jolted out of her reverie by the sound of Buffy's telephone. It rang a second time before she remembered that Buffy's mom was still at work and Buffy herself was upstairs showering. She got up, walked into the kitchen and picked up the receiver.
"Hello? Summers home. Xander! Tell me you didn't eat all the chocolate. Used it? Don't you mean they ate it? How can you use' chocolate? Oh. OH! Ewwww. That's kind of sick, even for them. You can't come? Why not? She is? Xander, that's great. I thought she wasn't coming home until Christmas. So are they transferring her back here? That's too bad. She does? Well, sure I can come over tomorrow. Yes, I'll tell her we'll have to do without the chocolate. OK. I'll see you then." She hung up and walked back into the living room, sitting back in the chair she'd vacated just in time to hear Buffy bounding down the stairs.
"Hey," Buffy said as she turned to enter the room, "has Chocolate Boy come through with the snacks yet?" She plopped solidly down on the sofa.
Willow smiled at the play on Xander's new, self-acquired nickname. "He can't come over tonight. His older sister Hannah just came in. She lives out in Maine. Collinsport, I think. She is SO cool. Anyway, his mom and dad are insisting that they all go out to dinner. So we won't be having any snacks tonight. Unless you have some."
"Xander has a sister?" Buffy asked, incredulous. "How did that happen?"
Willow leaned in close. Xander's parents were forever doing something outrageous and she had no end of horror stories that she could tell. "Well, knowing Mr. and Mrs. Harris and what Xander suggested they did with the chocolate last night, it couldn't have been the usual way." She stopped and suddenly blushed furiously. "I said that out loud, didn't I?"
Buffy simply smiled, not wanting to embarrass her friend any further. "Why don't I go get our sodas and call for the pizza while you decide what movie we'll watch first?"
"Thatsounds good," Willow nodded. She walked over to the VCR and picked up the tapes. Xander had always worshipped his older sister, believing that she could do no wrong, and Willow was happy for him that he'd get to see her over half a year earlier than expected. Still, she was disappointed that he hadn't been able to join them tonight. She'd even rented one of the movies they loved to watch together and mock.
Just then a knock came from the door. "I'll get it!" she yelled back to Buffy, putting down the tapes. Briskly, she walked over to the door and opened it. There stood the last person she ever would have expected to see on Buffy's porch.
"Cordelia?" Willow said, the surprise evident in her voice turning the statement into a question.
The dark-haired girl tried to flash her strongest smile at Willow, but it never moved past the half-hearted, nervous level. "Willow. Hi! Can I – I mean, is it okay – Um. Can I come in?"
"Oh! Sure." Willow stepped aside, holding the door as Cordelia hesitantly walked inside. She had seen many strange things in the months since Buffy had first arrived in town, but the sight of Cordelia Chase acting hesitant and timid surely had to qualify as one of the strangest. {Come to think of it,} she thought, {the only thing stranger would be if I walked into the library and saw The Master, Buffy and Giles having coffee and donuts. Well, tea and donuts in Giles' case.} Closing the door, she followed the other girl into the living room.
Cordelia stopped short, however, in the middle of the room and took a deep, shuddering breath. Despite the mid-Spring warmth, she rubbed the sides of her arms as if the temperature were near freezing. Willow stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you all right?"
"Nosy much?" Cordelia shot back. She turned to look at Willow, wincing with instant regret at her words. A downcast look of remorse followed immediately after. The obvious sincerity of both emotions stunned Willow almost as much as her next words. "Willow, I – I'm sorry. I'm justnot. All right, that is. I SO shouldn't have said that."
Never the kind to kick somebody when they were so obviously down, Willow smiled gently, forgivingly and somewhat worriedly at her. Putting her other hand on Cordelia's arm, she guided her to the seat that had been vacated when she'd gotten up to choose between movies just a minute before. "It's okay. Just sit down and I'll go get you a nice, relaxing glass of water, OK?"
"Thank you," came the soft reply.
Willow slid gracefully around the side of the chair and strode into the kitchen. Stepping around Buffy, she opened the fridge, pulled out the gallon jug of spring water and plopped it on the table. As she reached for an empty glass, the Slayer's irritated tone of voice as well as the words Buffy was growling into the phone penetrated her consciousness.
"No, YOU listen," Buffy proclaimed. "If your pizza takes ninety minutes to get to my house from your store, which is just FIVE BLOCKS AWAY, one more time, then I will make you wish that you had been set upon by a legion of the undead. Are you even capable of understanding that? Good. Thirty minutes, no later." She slammed down the phone and turned to face Willow.
"You actually called Papa Tino's again?" Willow asked, looking at her friend in astonishment.
Buffy sighed, then shrugged. "You know how really, really angry their whole lateness thing makes me." She stopped and chuckled at Willow's vigorous nodding of her head. "I'm not that bad, am I? Don't answer that. And you know how much I'd love to shove a stake through that pervert driver of theirs somewhere where it'll really hurt him. Unfortunately, he's not a vampire. And they DO make the only good pizza in this town."
"Well, there is that," Willow agreed, pouring the water and then putting the plastic jug back in the fridge. "Still, I will make you wish that you had been set upon by a legion of the undead?' Buffy, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you're starting to sound like Giles. Not that that's a bad thing. Really."
"I AM NOT!" Buffy shrieked. She swiftly covered her mouth as she remembered that they had unexpected company sitting in the living room. "So," she asked, changing the subject a little too quickly, "did Cordelia give you any idea why she's here?"
Willow shook her head and dropped her voice to a low whisper that only someone with the auditory capabilities of a Slayer could hear. "She looks really nervous. I mean, she actually apologized for insulting me. And she meant it. Usually she just gives people this I'm better than you'll ever be' glare after she insults them. This time she said she was sorry. You think she's possessed?"
"If she is, do we even want to exorcise her? This IS an improvement, after all."
"Buffy!"
"Well, it was worth a thought. Let's go see what brings her to Loserville.'"
Willow slipped in front of Buffy and entered the living room first. She'd been perfectly serious when she asked about Cordelia being possessed. Buffy wasn't taking the idea at all seriously, though, judging from her response. She walked around Cordelia's chair and held the glass of water in front of the other girl.
Cordelia gave a start at the sight of the glass; having apparently been so lost in thought that she hadn't even noticed Willow's approach. "Thank you," she said, giving her a warm smile tinged with sadness.
"You're welcome," Willow replied, stepping around the chair and sitting down in the corner of the couch nearest her long-time nemesis.
Just then, Buffy flowed gracefully into the room, carrying both glasses of soda. Handing the larger glass to Willow, she sat down next to her. "What's the sitch?" she asked Cordelia. "Marcie didn't escape, did she?"
"Like they could tell," Cordelia snorted. "They actually think Principal Flutie got eaten by a pack of dogs. Yeah, right. That's why the next day they hauled those freaks off to the looney bin."
Willow's eyebrows rose up. {She's not nearly as dumb as we like to think she is.}
"So what's the problem?" Buffy prodded. "Werewolves? Demons?"
"Spontaneous Human Combustion?" Willow added.
"Do I even want to know where you two come up with these things?"
"What, you think an invisible girl trying to give you plastic surgery is the only weird thing in this town?" Buffy shot back.
"Well, when you put it THAT way. Look, this isn't easy for me. I don't say things like what I'm about to say very often. And I know you'll be thinking that I don't say them EVER, but that's not true. I just don't say it where anyone will ever hear it except me and the person I'm saying it to.
"What I mean," she continued, "is that I am really sorry I just stood there and let Mitch insult you like that at lunch time. Marcie tried to kill all of you and you still didn't stop trying to save me. Mitch challenged me for talking to you and I just caved. I can't believe I let him do that to me."
"If he treats you like that, why are you still going out with him?" Buffy asked.
"I'm not. Well, not since after school. I just took this really annoying habit of his and went totally postal over it, then dumped him. I – I wanted to make him feel like he made me feel. I couldn't just say it was about lunch. I mean, then I'd be a loser too. No offense."
"None taken," Willow replied sincerely at the same time Buffy muttered "And we couldn't have that, could we?"
"You think I can just give this up? I can't," Cordelia growled at Buffy. "Look, you don't – you CAN'T understand. I – I knew I shouldn't have come here."
"Cordelia, wait!" Willow interjected before the other girl could stand up. "Why don't you explain? We'll listen. I promise."
Cordelia slowly turned her gaze to meet Willow's, searching it for any hint that the redheaded girl didn't mean what she said. To her surprise, she found sincerity in those eyes. Letting her attention drift back to the glass in her hand, she breathed in and out deeply. She sipped her water, then turned back to Willow, wondering why this girl she had treated so badly over the years actually cared what she was feeling. And why it was suddenly so important that SHE be the one who understood.
"I used to be where you are," she began. "Socially, I mean. This whole thing-that-I-am used to be Dani's Grand Destiny.' And of course she's still following it at college. You remember my sister, don't you Willow?" She snorted. "How could anyone forget her? She's the pretty sister. The most popular girl in town. The perfect daughter who could do no wrong. I was nothing. An ice cube melted by her light.
"Remember third grade with Mrs. Paupin? She was running the chess club and you and I were both on it. I was good, Willow. But it wasn't socially acceptable enough for my parents." Her hands shook uncontrollably, splashing water on her sleeves and skirt as she wrenched the next statements past her lips. "No daughter of theirs was going to be some kind of nerd. Did I WANT to be a freak? Why couldn't I be more like Dani? Was I TRYING to embarrass them?" Her eyes were growing watery now and she started to sniffle.
"And of course they said this right in front of all my friends. Alli Daniels was the only one who didn't find the whole thing hilarious. The only one who still liked me. You wouldn't know Alli, Buffy. She disappeared completely around the beginning of school this year." She turned her gaze towards the ceiling. "Oh God, Alli, please be all right," she said more to herself than the others.
"Every day for a week I heard the kids at school laughing at me, calling me names. And every night my parents would tell me that they were right. That people who liked what I liked were worthless. The only people who mattered were the ones who did the popular things, the acceptable things. People like Dani. Dani was right there, too, with that contempty little look on her face."
Willow's mouth dropped open as she stared at Cordelia in horror. She had grown accustomed to the supernatural forms of evil during the months since discovering that they actually existed. Yet this was somehow more shocking to her than any demon like Moloch or witch like Amy's mother. This was simply and completely incomprehensible to her. {How could her parents treat her like that? How could ANY parents do something thatthat cruel?}
"II gave them wh-what they wanted. I quit the chess club. I joined everything they ever wanted me to. It's not enough. No matter what I do, how high I place, it's never enough. If I'm not number one, the first thing they'll tell me is how much better Dani did when she was there.
"Even when I went home yesterday before the coronation to tell them what happened – Well, not the invisible part. They'd never believe that. – the first thing they said was You didn't get any blood on that dress, did you? That's an original, you know.' Then it was Nobody ever tried to do this to Dani. Everybody liked HER.'" Her voice dropped to a weak whisper. "Muh-Maybe they're right. Maybe I am worthless."
At that Willow stood up, a righteous fire burning in her eyes. She walked the two steps over to the chair and gathered the now sobbing May Queen into her arms, pulling her head to her shoulder. When the sobbing finally slowed to sniffling, she let go, stepped back and tilted Cordelia's head up to face her. "Cordelia, I want you to listen to me. You. Are. Not. Worthless. There is a very nice person hiding there inside of you, you know."
"How can you say that after how I've treated you all these years?"
"Because," Willow said, smiling sweetly, "if you were really worthless, like the kind of people who would do what was done to a certain third-grader back then, you wouldn't have enough of a conscience to think that you'd done anything wrong. Let alone enough to convince yourself – wrongly, might I add – that you're worthless."
"She's right," Buffy added. "It's like being crazy. The more you worry about being crazed, the less crazed you really are. And if you're hearing voices, you should see an exorcist first, then a shrink."
"Especially if you live here in Sunnydale," Willow tossed out.
Buffy pulled a tissue out of the box on the coffee table in front of the couch and handed it to Willow. Willow handed it to Cordelia, who dried her eyes and wiped her nose with it.
Cordelia smiled brightly at Willow, her dark mood broken at least temporarily. "Thank you. For, you know, actually listening."
"Look," Buffy said, "we're going to be watching some videos. Having some pizza too, as soon as Papa Tino's gets here. You're welcome to stay if you want."
"I want. Just let me make a couple calls and arrange a cover for my parents."
THE END