Dedicated to InuyashasLoveLorn for being my "faithful reviewer" on Mediaminer. I recommend listening to Evanescence's "Solitude" and Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" when reading.
WARNING: This isn't beta'd. My poor beta is having issues with her email server. Once she finishes giving the 'drawn and quartered' treatment to them, hopefully she'll be able to send me the beta versions of this and chapter 11 for "Fated Existence." But I wasn't to get this out for InuyashasLoveLorn.
Solitude
How many times have you told me you love her Ooh, Solitude, How many times have I done this to myself Ooh, Solitude, Everyone leaves me stranded Your secret admirer Ooh, Can't you see And Ooh, Solitude, Ooh, Solitude,
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night
Who could it be
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
She stared in silent fascination as the moonlight gave it an ethereal radiance. A precious gift meant to give her courage and yet the courage she derived from it now was sorely misplaced. She shouldn't entertain even the most remote notion of what she was about to do, but for once her heart and mind were in agreement with each other. She thought it funny though, that her tears continued to fall and she still saw clearly. Perhaps it was a sign that what she was about to do wasn't such a bad idea after all. She positioned the gift ever so carefully; mindful of how it should be in relation to the image within her mind. But before she fulfilled her wish, she forced herself to remember why…
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
They had camped at the base of a waterfall after a grueling day spent trailing another lead on Naraku and enduring two battles with youkai. As usual, Inuyasha bore the worst of the wounds, in her opinion, even if they would be healed by morning. Shippou, thankfully, had been left behind to 'protect' Kaede and the village. Miroku had inadvertently sucked up a poisonous plant with his Kazanna and thereby was currently sleeping off the aftereffects near the campfire. Sango was simply tired from using Hiraikotsu so frequently and had fallen asleep after utilizing the river to bathe. Kagome was bruised, badly; of course she wouldn't admit it either. Especially when the one responsible for the bruises had only been trying to protect her.
She'd been frozen in fear with the swift attack that her feet refused to listen while she silently screamed in her head. In his efforts to save her, Inuyasha had been a little too forceful in pushing Kagome out of the way. She had ended up hitting the ground with her right shoulder and hip, her head bouncing off a half-hidden rock which, mercifully, didn't cause any bleeding. Blood would have distracted Inuyasha and possibly make him lose the fight.
Without warning, Inuyasha took off away from camp without a word of explanation or a look back when Kagome called after him. Not sure what was going on, she grabbed her bow and arrows without a second thought and followed into the brush.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
Looking back now she realized it had been pathetically easy to track him and that alone should have told her something. Perhaps if she'd paid attention to the signs she wouldn't have seen… them… She could have remained in blissful ignorance with the hope that one day, one day, he would stop looking through her.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
The image would be forever burned into Kagome's mind when she finally caught up to him; that and the knowledge that he hadn't heard her approach because he was so wrapped up in…her…Kikyou. They were speaking again of their promises to each other. His to protect her and kill Naraku; Hers that his life was hers and Naraku would die by her hands. Kagome had always found it odd that her incarnation claimed rights to Inuyasha's life and yet never seemed to respond to the hanyou's declaration of protection. She'd learned long ago that, for Inuyasha, offering protection was the ultimate way he could show his depth of feelings for someone. She had misguidedly taken the action to mean something more than what it truly was.
Resigned, she turned to go when what she saw next drove the final stake through her heart. Before it had always been Kikyou, but this time… oh kami, this time he pulled her into his embrace. This time he initiated the kiss as well. She did the only thing left for her to do – she ran. She'd gone maybe ten steps before she was no longer able to hold back the ragged sobs. She ran until she found the waterfall and threw herself, fully clothed, under the cool waters. Here… here she could wash away the tears so he would never know. Here she could pray that the water would cleanse her heart as well despite knowing the prayers were futile.
She knew not how long she stood there, trying to will away the tormenting image of them. She stayed long after the chills set in, shaking so badly that her legs threatened to give way. Just when she thought she cried everything out and felt her legs start to give, she found herself hauled roughly out of the waterfall and against something solid.
"Damn it, wench! You trying to get sick?"
She might have argued with him before… before tonight… before she'd seen that. Now she felt numb, empty… hollow. She twisted to get away from him, frowning when he refused to let go and again asked her what she was doing under the water for so long.
Trying to forget…to pretend it doesn't matter…
She bit her lip to still the whimper that aroused with her thoughts. She couldn't forget no matter how much she truly wanted to; she cared too much.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
She tilted her face up towards the moon, closing her eyes against the beauty of it. In the end she'd managed to mollify the irate hanyou by claiming to have fallen in and simply decided to stay in, but forgot the time. He hadn't looked convinced, but he didn't press for the truth. Accompanying her back to camp, he waited while she changed behind some bushes, ensuring she was safely tucked into her sleeping bag before taking up a spot at the base of a tree.
He kept close to her over the next couple of days and she thought she saw worry in his eyes when she caught him watching her. But as quickly as the thought emerged, she squashed it by remembering what she'd seen. He wasn't honestly worried about her. He wasn't looking at her… he was looking through her, seeing the person she'd been in another life. Sometimes she wondered why he kept her around when Kikyou could see the shards just as well and was better skilled.
No… don't think about that… don't hesitate…Too many times she tormented herself by thinking he might come to care for her; only to again watch him run off to her.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
When they returned to Kaede's, she tried to be happy for Sango when the taijiya announced her acceptance of Miroku's proposal. She managed to keep the smile plastered to her face until the couple was out of sight. Once she was alone the façade crumbled and she wept into her hands. She felt so alone… like she was being left behind while everyone else moved on with his or her lives. She was stuck in a cruel loop of her own design. Even Shippou spent less and less time with her…
She began to rummage through her pack, seeking her hair supplies to take to the river, hoping to again wash away the pain. Her hand brushed against his gift and she stilled… should she use it? Could she…? She remembered how he couldn't quite look her in the face when he'd given it to her for her birthday.
"Keh…not that you'll need it..."
Abandoning it for the time being, she pulled out her notebook and pen, sitting against the wall of the hut as she began to write before her courage fled.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
She opened her eyes and looked back down, the heartache doubled by her memories… a physical reminder of why she was here now. Here, before the Goshinboku on her knees in supplication for salvation from the great tree. Dawn was fast approaching and with luck, her letter would go unseen for just a little while longer. It was cowardly, she would admit, to do such a thing instead of confront him in person, but she knew he would thwart her plans. He was forever interfering, trying to keep her close and then pushing her away… it was a game she knew too well. A game that had been the foundation of the idea that he cared about her.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
He woke with the first ray of dawn streaming over the village, stirring him from his place on Kaede's roof. He stretched slowly, sniffing the air out of habit and froze. Kagome wasn't inside… her scent was gone as if she'd never slept in the hut last night. He frowned and hopped down, quickly entering the old miko's home and scanning the area for Kagome. The only thing he found was her pack sitting almost forlornly against the wall with a piece of paper on it. A paper with his name… and tear stains… Worried, he grabbed it and flipped it over, praying he had not been the reason behind those tears…again.
Inuyasha –
Gomen… I'm such a coward to do this to you, but I can't face you. Not after what I saw… what I felt. You kissed her, Inuyasha. I didn't dare stay long enough to hear you tell her you love her. I wish I were strong, like you. I wish I could just keep the smile on my face while you go to her as I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. I think that night my heart finally broke. I'll wonder if you ever realized I was your secret admirer; that I've loved you from afar. They say love is blind, but I think the one truly blinded was you. Yet I continued to stay with you despite watching you look through me and see someone else.
It sunk in that I was truly alone when Miroku proposed to Sango. Everyone had someone and I was left on the side to watch you all drift away. There are other letters for everyone else in my bag. I've left something for each of them. I wondered what I could possibly leave to you that held any meaning for me, but I realized I'd already given it to you even if you didn't know it. I'd given you my heart, Inuyasha. It's not your fault you couldn't accept it or return the affection. The shards are at the bottom of the bag with the rest of the ramen. Be safe and I wish you the best with Kikyou.
Aishiteru – Kagome
He stared with horror at the letter before balling it up and tossing it into the fire pit as he sprinted out the door. He prayed to every kami he could think of to tell him that the sudden gut wrenching feeling in his stomach was wrong. That she hadn't really meant it. He picked up her scent leading out of the village, his panic rising as he noticed it lead to Goshinboku. Just as the top of the tree came into view he let out a soft whine as the scent of blood assaulted him.
No, no, no, no, no…
She came into sight as he broke into the clearing and for a split second he thought she was simply praying…or resting. The blood surrounding her in a small pool told him otherwise. Uncaring for his clothing, he knelt beside her as he grabbed her to pull her up, already knowing he was hours too late. He pulled the kodachi, with its solitary ruby in the pommel, from her chest and let it drop as he gently cradled her against his chest. He was beyond caring if anyone might see him as he cried, mourning his grief aloud with soft whimpers that slowly escalated until he finally gave in and tossed his head back to howl his grief.
"Kagome!" He screamed, gripping her tighter as if to squeeze life back into her cold frame. "You promised! You said you'd stay with me! Kagome!"
The forest itself fell silent in mimicry of its namesake as the wind echoed the howl of one who'd lost his most treasured gift… his friend, his miko, his mate. Oh Kami… if only he could have explained things to her. To tell her that he'd been at war with himself over his feelings for both mikos. That he'd kissed Kikyou only to see if what he'd felt for her then was as strong now. It had been like kissing a friend or a sister; it meant nothing to him. He should have told her when he found her in the waterfall. Instead he'd yelled at her because he was ashamed for his reaction to her soaked body; telling himself that while his love for Kikyou may be dead, he had no right to love another miko. She was too pure for the likes of him. If only he'd told her… Aishiteru, Kagome…
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
They buried her at Goshinboku, after receiving permission from her mother to do so, with a headstone that simply read "Koishii", carved by Inuyasha. Sango wept into Miroku's shoulder as he said a final prayer for their beloved friend's soul. Shippou was inconsolable and left with Kaede when he finally cried himself to sleep. The hardest part for the hanyou was that no one accused him; no, instead their eyes pitied him.
Long after everyone paid their respects and returned to the village, he remained, kneeling at the foot of her grave with the kodachi before him. The blade he'd given as a way to tell her that he would have to be dead for her to use it. The promise to protect her. He'd been debating all day of what to do, trying to think past the emptiness in his heart, his soul. And always he came back to the same solution that would put an end to the misery and loneliness. As he began to reach for the blade, the wind picked up and he could swear he smelled her… Kagome… Unable and unwilling to stop, he tilted his face into the wind with a sad smile.
Baka…the wind whispered. If he was falling into madness then he would gladly accept it so long as the madness was Kagome. Long moments later, he put the whisper up as fanciful wishing and regarded the kodachi once more. Her scent was still around, calming, soothing, as always. He sighed softly as he remembered all the times she smiled just for him or went out of her way to make him smile. He pulled back his hand and shook his head. No, she wouldn't want that. He still had an obligation to see through, a promise to keep… then he would be free to find her again.
"Wait for me, Kagome… I'll find you when it's over."
He rose to his feet and bowed his head reverently before turning to meet up with his friends. And in the dying sunlight, the ruby pommel of the kodachi that he'd gifted her as a sign of his love, shone with the promise of tomorrow.
A/N: This was a challenge to write and one I enjoyed simply because it expanded my horizons. I wasn't sure if I would be able to write something so… dark. InuyashasLoveLorn requested a songfic done to "Solitude" by Evanescence when I offered to gift her either a pic or a one-shot for being my solitary Mediaminer reviewer on "Fated Existence". I hope she enjoyed it since she claims these are the type of fics that catch her eye.