It's A Wonderful Moe

Note: Seeing that Christmas is coming, I decided to take on the classic "It's A Wonderful Life", but throw in a few twists and turns while I am at it. This story takes place long before Moe ever meets Lynn Marie. Moe is feeling depressed and tries hanging himself, but the suicide attempt fails. Frustrated, he finds his one redemption in alcohol and sleeping pills and has a near death experience…

"Dying is easy. Living is hard."—Anonymous

Chapter 1—Good Noose

Moe was watching TV when another commercial appeared for Kay Diamonds. He was getting tired of seeing the same old rehashed advertisement year after year. The advertisers hadn't even changed their old motif. He groaned and rolled his eyes. He loathed how commercialism had made single people seem like a growing epidemic, stupid for not being married, or that it wasn't a true holiday unless one could find themselves someone to spend their time with, or in the lewdest sense, get laid. Nowadays every little last thing could be linked to sex, and to be honest, in the back of his mind, Moe missed having a woman close to him. He moaned angrily and switched off the television.

"If I listen to the radio, I can forget all about being lonely.", he thought to himself, and turned on the radio that was in the kitchen. Unfortunately, the music didn't seem to help that much either. It only made him sadder since Billy Joel's Piano Man was being played. He sang along with it, with great tragedy…

And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned
Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness
But it's better than drinking alone

Moe thought first of his first experience hanging himself and how it had been a failure, but he was determined this time, it wouldn't be. He was sick of drinking in loneliness. At least, when he was dead, he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore.

As usual, Moe searched his closet where he kept excess Christmas lights and tinsel. It was the same time every year that he had tried to hang himself, overdose or shoot himself in the temple, ending his misery but nothing ever worked. Despite the disappointment of that, and having realized all of his dreams, he gathered some gold tinsel and began artfully crafting a noose. Instead of playing rock on the radio, he flipped the switch to LP mode. Moonlight Sonata filled his home with its poignant, haunting and melancholy notes. Tying the tinsel tightly, he slipped the noose over his neck and sobbed silently, his heart aching. He had already hammered the tinsel into the ceiling and there was a small stool under his feet. With a kick of his foot, he could feel his airways being constricted and he closed his eyes, hoping it would be the last time he would ever do so. But then he heard the most wretched sound a suicide hopeful can hear, the ripping of the implement of death itself. With a loud thud he hit the ground and the record needle slipped. Angrily, Moe tore the noose from his neck, hammered the ground with his fists and wailed.

"Damn it ! I just want to die ! Is that too much to ask ?", he screamed, to anyone or anything that would hear. Tears blinding him, he searched high and low for anything that would take away his pain and wouldn't stop until he had release.

Chapter 2—Vodka Salvation

Moe searched high and low for alcohol and sleeping pills and finally located them. He laughed manically as he stroked the vodka bottle like a familiar lover and kissed it. Sitting down in front of his television set, he uncorked the bottle of vodka and twisted the cap from his sleeping pills which he hadn't touched since his last bout with insomnia.

"Come to me, sweet release.", he said, poetically as he poured the whole bottle of pills into his mouth, popped them inside and drank half the vodka down. At first, the room swirled and all was warm within him. Slowly, he felt his heartbeat slow.

"Oh, thank God…", he thought as he closed his eyes and no longer heard the wretched sound of his heart palpitating. Just as he had wanted, he had died, peacefully, and doubtfully anyone would miss him.

Chapter 3—Stephanie the Guardian Angel

When Moe opened his eyes he was in a white, comfortable robe, feeling absolutely incredible. All around him were animals, plants, people that had died before him and the most gorgeous scenery he had ever partaken. He breathed in slowly, savoring every moment until his quiet moment was interrupted by a sultry angel.

"Morris Szyslak ?", she asked, studying him. Moe's heartbeat sped up and his face became beet red.

"Helllllllo beautiful !", he exclaiming and kissing her hand. The angel chuckled.

"I will take that as a 'yes', my friend. It seems that it's not your time, Moe.", the angel said, honestly.

"How can you say that ? I'm dead ! I don't want to go back to Earth. I like it too much here. Besides, I have no use on Earth. Who do you think you are, lady ?", Moe questioned, becoming a bit irritated.

"My name is Stephanie, and I am your guardian angel. I am telling you the truth, Moe. You have to return to Earth.", Stephanie said, gently, grabbing his arm.

"Well, this I could get used to.", Moe said, nestling his head against Stephanie's chest. She didn't seem to be bothered by his forward nature, and simply rolled her ice-blue eyes, straightened an arrant lock of platinum hair from her view.

"I see you're going to be stubborn, so I'll give you a crash course before giving you the choice to return.", Stephanie said, flying back into the Earth's atmosphere and landing outside of Moe's Tavern in the snow and chilling wind.

Chapter 4—Without You

The tavern had been closed, but patrons were all dressed in black, walking inside, weeping morosely. Lisa Simpson stood at a podium and gave a rather moving eulogy to honor Moe, and the life he had lived in such a short time. Unscripted, Homer added his two cents worth at the closing of her eulogy.

"I know I wasn't supposed to speak, but please, friends, hear me. A lot of people don't know this but deep down, Moe had a heart of gold. He loved reading to children at orphanages, and many times, I had seen him playing with homeless kids, giving away toys he bought from his shopping trips just to see them smile, or hear them laugh. Moe did love, and many times, I trusted him with the care of my little Maggie…", Homer said, beginning to cry deeply. Maggie was a bit older and could speak now, and was growing up to be quite the lovely young lady.

"Moe was like a second father to me, and I will indeed miss him. I'll treasure the lessons he taught me and the friendship we had.", she said, burying her face into her father's chest and crying before going over to the corpse, kissing it on the lips lovingly and returning to her father's embrace. Moe felt a shiver rush through him.

"I'm not supposed to be able to feel anything…", he gasped, placing his finger to his lips.

"You can feel, but you can't be seen.", Stephanie said, straightforwardly. Moe held his hands out in front of Maggie, seeing her break down into melancholy sobs.

"Don't cry…", he said, hugging her, but Maggie couldn't feel him or even know he was there. He felt so helpless.

"Take me away from here ! I can't take it any longer ! No more !", Moe shouted, and the angel motioned her index finger, wagging it forwards and backwards like a hula dancer.

Chapter 5—Last Chance

Moe was taken to one last place before he was returned to Heaven. Close to his home, there was an orphanage where Moe volunteered his time to read to children and help adults with illiteracy learn how to read and write. There were many children who were eagerly awaiting Moe to come and read to them, and at that moment, the director of the orphanage delivered some bad news to them.

"I'm sorry children but Mr. Szyslak recently died.", the curly haired black woman stated, sadly. The children looked at each other, many of them upset over what they heard. Some kicked the dirt in anger, others simply cried.

"He couldn't have died…He promised me he'd play Battleship with me today.", one boy stated, his dark eyes overflowing with bitter tears.

"I'm sorry, Ali…", the black woman said, meeting him at eye-level and hugging him. The young Arab boy shook as he wailed softly into her chest. She stroked his hair to try and calm him, but most of the children had gone to their rooms to read on their own. Moe had already been distressed enough and could no longer cry. His tear-ducts had become completely dry.

"Stephanie, I can't watch any more…", he said, shoulders shaking with his deep sobs. He could hardly breathe since he was sniveling so fiercely. Stephanie took his hands into hers and bowed her head. Instantly, they were in Heaven again.

"You can still return if you desire, Moe.", Stephanie said, her voice lyrical and serene. Momentarily, her voice lulled him, but he snapped back to reality after remembering what he had seen only minutes ago. Pacing slightly, his hands clasped behind his back, he thought for a bit and the answer came to him instantly.

"It's settled. I need to return, even if I may not want to. Besides, I'm still young, I have many more great years ahead.", Moe said, smiling for the first time in years.

"Very well, then.", Stephanie said. Unexpectedly, she drew near to him and kissed him. It was an extremely romantic kiss, but it was like something he never felt before, a spiritual and sacred element he couldn't quite place.

Chapter 6—A Very Good Morning, Indeed

When Moe's eyes fluttered open, there was a ravishing woman looking down upon him. She was in a nurse's uniform, hair the color of flames, and eyes the tint of peridots. "Oh thank God…You are one lucky dog, Mr. Szyslak. If it hadn't been for your concerned neighbors you would've died.", the nurse said, helping him up. He didn't mind leaning upon such a sweltering vixen for support. To him, this was a dream come true, and he hoped it didn't end.

Moe had to be transported to the hospital because he was weak, but luckily Christmas hadn't come yet. Christmas was a couple of weeks away, which meant as soon as he could, he would push himself to get better so he could start buying trinkets for his orphan friends and more importantly, the one person who saved his life, Maggie Simpson. Of course, he would never reveal that to her, but somehow, knowing how intensely intelligent she was, she probably intuited it when Moe had been asked to watch over Maggie while The Simpson's had been away.

By the next couple of days, Moe had been well enough to buy the presents he wanted for his orphans, gave some to charity and spent what little he had left on Maggie. He couldn't wait to present her gift to her. After all, every year, he was invited to the Simpson's house for Christmas, and he was looking forward to that more than ever this year. He now realized that living was more important and that he should do everything he could while he lived. Besides, he was vital to the town of Springfield, even though he hadn't realized that at first. He was a member of the Pin Pals, and without him, the bowling tournaments could never be won. Without him, life was just plain drab. He definitely made Springfield livelier.

Chapter 7—His Princess

Christmas day came quickly and those unfortunate few shoppers who had been procrastinators waited in line to buy their gifts for their loved ones and themselves, but fortunately, Moe wasn't a part of that group. He avoided the long lines like the plague, readying himself for the evening ahead of him.

Like an old groomer from the roaring 20's, Moe slicked his hair back with brilliantine, shaved, put on aftershave, English Leather cologne and his best black suit. It came with a festive bow-tie that lit up when turned on, and fortunately the batteries still worked. Soon as he was completely spruced up, Moe walked out the door with the rest of his presents, and even had a song in his heart while doing so.

The Simpson's house felt like a second home to him and Moe was glad to see his friends again. He was enjoying all of the snacks, particularly the sweet desserts that had been brought by friends or handmade by "Midge". At long last, it was time for everyone to exchange their gifts and un-wrap them. This was Moe's favorite part, particularly in seeing the expression of those he gave gifts too. To be perfectly honest, it was one of the few things that actually gave him joy.

Wildly, papers and bows went flying everywhere while everyone opened their gifts. Moe watched Maggie's bright blue eyes light up with glee as she delicately un-wrapped the present and lifted the lid off the box. Inside was a snow-globe with a fairy that twirled to Tchaikovsky's Sugar Plum Fairy. Maggie wrapped her arms around Moe, hugging him close and kissed him.

"Thank you so much, Uncle Moe ! It's exactly what I wanted.", she stated, holding him lovingly. Her love was platonic, but in his heart, Moe knew Maggie would always be his princess. He smiled as he received her present of a new leather jacket. Moe put it on and felt like a million bucks.

"Thanks, Mags. You're a doll.", he said, kissing her cheek gently.

Epilogue

Long after the guests had left, Moe had started to leave after saying goodnight.

"You can stay if you like, you won't be imposing.", Marge said, politely.

"Oh, I couldn't. You've already done so much for everyone.", Moe said, taken aback by Marge's request.

"No, go ahead. You're welcome to spend New Year's with us as well.", Homer said, placing a friendly arm around his friend's neck and tousling his best bud's thick curly blue-gray hair. Moe thanked Homer for being so gracious, and was glad to sleep on the guest bed that night. Though he returned home for the next day, he couldn't help continuing to feel warmth in the deepest part of his heart. Even if things became difficult in the year to come, he would remember that glow on his princess's face and remember life wasn't so bad after all, because with friends the bumps along the road became smoother to traverse.

The End