What the hell am I thinking with that title! Oh well. My first Cartman and Wendy fic! I really like the potential for interaction the two of them have, and how similar yet different they are. Their relationship in this is intentionally ambiguous, so you can take it however you want.
Enjoy!
The dreadlock-laden waitress set down the two bowls of chili and a basket of cornbread, before floating off in the direction she came from.
"Christ." Cartman sneered, watching her leave, long, calico skirt trailing behind her. "I don't know why I agreed to come to this capitalistic wasteland." He shuddered, watching a very dirty but very happy pair of hippies come through the door. "I think this is where Birkenstock sandals and hemp go to die."
"Because," Wendy said pleasantly, stirring some crumbled cornbread into her chili, "you can't turn down a free lunch at a nice restaurant."
He went to dispute the meaning of nice, sure that it didn't involve funny smelling food and bad sitar music, but just sighed, staring down at his bowl of chili. It looked decent enough, and he was hungry after a long day at the library. Wendy was still the only person who could get him to crack open a book against his will.
And after which, get him to eat at a restaurant named the Crystalline Dolphin.
"Hmmmm...Mmm." Making vague noises of pleasure, face contorted slightly with thought, he swallowed. It wasn't that bad.
"You like it?" She grinned, leaning forward.
Cartman nodded, grabbing a misshapen lump of cornbread to stir into it. "It's edible."
Her grin widened as he took another bite, making some more little muffled noises of enjoyment.
"The beef tastes a little funny, though. The texture's off and it's not as flavorful as it should be. You'd think that a faggy hippie place all about making animals happy would at least use quality beef..." Trailing off, he noticed the slightly maniacal look in her eyes.
Wendy cocked her head, looking a little deranged. "That's because it's not beef."
Cartman blanched. "Not...beef?"
She shook her head.
"Turkey?"
Shake, shake.
"...Chicken?"
Shake, shake, shake.
"Oh god." He pushed it away, brows raised. "I thought you were way too moral for...is it anyone I know? Christ, in a fucking hippie restaurant too. I knew you freaks were soulless anarchists, but murder?"
Wendy just looked at him, on the verge of laughter. Villainous, no doubt. Cartman's mind filled in the blanks, imagining her with a chainsaw, limbs of the victim flailing helplessly against her savage blade as blood rained down on the both of them. The thought made him squirm.
"Christ, Cartman, it's not person. I can think of my own diabolical schemes." She brushed a bit of long, black hair behind her shoulder. "Within the law, even."
He looked back down at the dubious chili. "Spill. What kind of meat is in this?"
She gave him a sweet smile, before finally taking a bite herself. "None."
"...What do you mean, none? This is meat. I know meat when I taste it and this is meat." He refused to take another bite, even though he was tempted.
"Reconstituted organic vegetable fiber. Completely organic and completely vegetarian."
The look on Cartman's face was one of sheer terror with a good measure of disgust and betrayal mixed in. "You...you fed me fucking VEGAN FOOD and DIDN'T TELL ME?"
Wendy finally let out peals of laughter, her entire body shaking violently. "Aww man, Cartman. You wouldn't have eaten it if I told you. I was hoping you'd finish more than a couple of bites before you caught on though..."
"You are evil, Testaburger. Sheer, unadulterated Evil, and I have half a mind to storm out of here and go shoot a cow square between the eyes just to wash the taste of hippie out of my mouth. I swear to God, if I start getting urges to play the sitar and wear love beads, I will haveto kill you."
A very amused Wendy just laughed, shaking her head and pushing the bowl back toward him. "If you finish it, I'll get us some ice-cream cake before we go back to the library."
He regarded her with a cynical expression.
"Creamy, fatty, disgustingly sweet, tortured-cow's-milk ice-cream cake from the Baskin Robins down the road."
"No more dirty hippie plots?"
"Cross my heart."
Wendy just smiled as he gave her one more distrustful glance and stuffed another spoonful of the brown gunk into his mouth. He couldn't help but wonder silently as he swallowed, what the hell is this world was coming to?
A/N: Ahhhh, I hope I got their characters in-character enough! I tried to take a good deal of their nonromantic relationship from Chef Goes Nanners and added a good four or six years to it. XD hehe, I'm so fond of the both of them in that episode.