This is what happened when your exhausted and have eaten too many Pom bears to be sane. Trust me! I don't even know what an attercop is! I'm irish! In irelaNd a spider is "HOLY FUCK LOOK AT THAT!" Well for me it is anyway. This is all in good spirit. It's a parody and a tragedy.
Enjoy ma dearieS. R&R as always. Flames will be eaten as broceli
Attercop
One-shot
"Oh SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! IT GOING TO EAT ME! IM GOING TO DIE! DEATH! DEATH BECOMES ME!" Sirius squealed, loud enough for the whole of the 7th year boys to hear his pathetic peals of yelling.
James Potter sighed, tucking his snitch into his lucky sock which had house elfs doing gangdam style on them. He thought they were very fashionable socks and often wore them in an attempt to woo Lily.
"I'd better go see what the baby wants!" He whined, standing up and waving his arms in the air over dramatically.
Remus Lupin grunted, he was used to his boyfriends random episodes by now, knowing Sirius, he probably spilt shampoo in his eyes.
James yawned wildly and marched into he bathroom, dejected from Remus's lack of reaction, "what's wrong you great ponce-HOLY FUCK ITS GOING TO EAT ME!"
Peter perked (hey! alitteration!) up from his hiding spot under James's bed. Don't ask what he was doing under there because its surely inappropriate and not good at all.
"What do you reckons going on in there?" He asked, jerking his thumb in the direction of the bathroom. Remus sighed ,turning a page in his book and saying "I don't know. Why don't you go check it out?" Peter nodded enthusiastically. He might not of worshipped Remus as much as he worshipped James but Remus was hot and he was talking to him!
"Sure!" Peter squealed happily and ran into the bathroom before tearing out again, several seconds later shouting "AH THE ATTERCOP EATS MY SOUL!" Before tripping over his own feet and surely plummeting to his likely death at the bottom of the stairs.
Remus sighed again. Then sighed once more knowing if he ever sighed again it would be his signature move. Well, it already was his signature move. He really hated playing 'Hero Remus' and fixing all the little boys and girl's problems. In all honesty he really couldn't be bothered but he knew he was a nice guy and was obviously going to go see if he could help.
He dejectedly marked a page in his book, it was a shame to put it down as it fascinated him greatly and he was enjoying a bit of peace quiet, save for Sirius and James screaming about 'eminent death' and Peters frumpy yells about 'attercops'
What the hell was an attercop anyways? If Remus was being honest it seemed like a horrible u
flower. Or a disease.
Or a flower that have you a disease. Or a disease that gave you flowers. There's lots of combinations for this and Im not about to go all in to them.
Remus stood up, luxuriously stretching out his pale arms, in no hurry to see what all the fuss was about. If he was in luck it would have eaten them by the time he got there.
Remus paused for a moment, no, the screams where still there, he would have to go 'help' so it seems. Arg. He hates helping people so close to the full moon.
He stormed over to the bathroom and walked in, seeing almost instantly a sobbing James and a half naked Sirius dressed in only a towel. Remus gave himself a moment to appreciate the view of Sirius's rather fit top half (dayum gurl! That shit be hawt!) before reluctantly tearing his eyes away from them to look a James.
"Well?" He prompted, "What's the matter?"
"Don't you see it?" James cried, obviously abashed that Remus wasn't at least writhing around on the floor if and only IF he somehow managed to forgo death.
"I always knew my gorgeous man was brave! A true Grffyndor he is, makes me want to or-"
"Shut up Sirius!" Remus blushed profoundly before turning back to James, "See what mate? I haven't got all night!"
Obviously ignoring Sirius's calls of "Of course not! He's got me to tend to!" James said over the wolf whistling "In the corner! It's terrifying!"
Remus turned violently, expecting to see Kristen Stewart crouched naked in the corner brandishing a carrot who apparently loved her sooo much! And they were going to have half vegetable babies and the ministry would come and try to kill it but she and her vegie buddies would take care of it until her potted plant best mate feel in love with her baby. Failing that he still expected a dementor or a deatheater.
He wasn't, however, expecting to see a small money spider walking across the windowsill completely oblivious to the world of possible naked veggie-loving Kristen Stewarts and screaming teenage wizards.
And not in the good way of screaming teenage wizards.
"That!" Remus took a deep breath 1,2,3 okay Remus, now you might not eat your best friend and boyfriend in anger "That is what I came in here for? A money spider! Your so damn afraid of a money spider?"
Both boys looked to their feet abashedly, at least having the decency to act ashamed.
"Just, get rid of it Rem? Ill make it worth your whole?" Sirius said seductively, batting his eyelashes.
Remus raked his eyes hungrily over Sirius's half naked form, slowly licking his lips, "Deal." He murmured and Sirius crooned delightedly.
Remus made sure his lover knew he was checking him out before turning away and looking at the offending creature.
He closed his eyes and he grew soft furry ears on the top of his head and his teeth sharpened to canines. He grew cute whiskers on his face and his eyes changed from their usual amber to a molten gold. Sirius half dribbled at the sight of his boyfriend half transformed.
Remus took one look at the spider and bared his teeth, hissing violently. The spider eeped (I know don't eep but it's a fanfiction, anything can happen) and ran out the open window. James sighed happily and strode out of the bathroom to the common room and engaged Lily in some sort of conversation about yellow buttercups.
Don't know why, as it was winter and there's no buttercups about for another couple months.
Remus walked towards Sirius slowly and sensuously. "I think it's about time your pick up on your side of the deal pads?" He said huskily licking his lips. Sirius shuddered delightedly before saying.
"Why yes . But can you just stay like this for now. Your ears are adorable plus-" Sirius said kissing Remus sweetly on the mouth "I wanna make you howl..."