12/26/2008
2:21 AM
When the Reflection is More Real Than Reality
By Hoshi Nagaiki
"The more a person analyzes his inner self, the more insignificant he seems to himself."- WilliamEllery Channing
Mirrors show us an outward reflection; nowhere are they close to the inside.
When I gaze into my reflection, I see who I really am.
On the outside a sweet human male: a pale complexion framed by long red hair the color of tomatoes and chlorophyll green eyes. On the inside, a demon nowhere near sweet: he too is pale, his hair flows long like strands of a unicorn's mane and his eyes are narrow golden carved stones.
Evil is beautiful yet disgusting.
Disgusted: that is how I feel every time I look in a mirror.
That is how I feel when I see her.
Her childlike beauty, her sweet loving nature: all of it disgusts me.
It reminds me of the façade that hides the real me.
The red hair, the green eyes; she is my mirror image.
Maya tells me one day as we are leaving the mall how wonderful it is that Nika inherited my looks instead of hers.
I smile politely and tell her I honestly wish that Nika looked more like her.
"Daddy," Nika calls out to me. Her short legs carry her toward me. I sweep her off her feet in less than two seconds.
"Yes?"
"I love you!"
". . . I love you too, Nika."
Maya smiles lovingly at us. It is a sickeningly, sweet family moment.
"I got a present for you, Daddy."
I look at her curiously. When I turn to Maya for answers, she simply shrugs.
"What is it?"
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out the fanciest watch I have ever seen in my life as a human.
"Here you go," she says with a huge smile plastered on her face. "Do you like it?"
"Where did you get this from?"
"The store."
"How?"
"I just took it. . . ." Nika realizes she's done something wrong by the look on me and Maya's faces. Tears gush out of her eyes to form rivers down her babyish cheeks.
This is one of the rare moments I lose my composure. I yell and scream incoherent words as soon as I think them. It is uncharacteristic of me, but I cannot help it. I feel so mad, so sick.
Nika cries louder and harder at the unfamiliarity of the situation. Maya hushes her and calms me as people stare at the scene we are causing. She sorts the whole thing out, but the three of us remain quiet the whole way home.
As I lie in bed that night, I ponder the incident that occurred today. Self-anger dominates all my other emotions towards the event. I contradicted my character and hurt my daughter in the process. This has to be the most extreme form of torture there is. Just when I am feeling at my deadest, sickest low, Maya crawls into bed next to me.
She states what I already knew: "I think you were too harsh towards Nika."
I don't answer because I know how true the words are. I know I shouldn't have yelled at her, but I couldn't help it. I just don't want her to be me.
A few moments of silence pass and just when I have started to think Maya has fallen asleep, she speaks. "You should go apologize."
I nod even though she most likely cannot see it and lift myself off the bed. My feet lead me down the dark hallway past Nika's room to the guest room.
It is late and Maya has had a hard day. She probably hasn't even noticed that Nika is fast asleep and apologizing right now would be useless.
The guest room is dark, cold, and empty. I open the window -- something I haven't done in years -- lie down on the bed, and wait.
Just as I am drifting into slumber, a shadow enters the room. Startled, I sit up to see my best friend and long time partner. He looks the same as always except a little run down. I expect I appear in a similar fashion.
"Hiei."
"Hn."
No words are needed to why either of us are here or why we chose our certain paths in life. All that needs to be told is that we are here for each other because we need each other.
We both need the way our lips push together to form a rough, forceful kiss. We both need the way our tongues twist and turn around in each other's mouth. We both need the way we rip each other's clothes off. We both need the pain, the desire, the lust.
Dawn comes too soon. The dream is now over; now, we must go back to playing reality.
Pulling on my clothes, I stumble into the bathroom. Hiei follows mindlessly. For a second, I catch our reflection in the mirror. I see who I am, who I was, who I will be, but somehow it seems a whole lot better with Hiei standing next to me.
Owari.