Story Name: All is Forgiven
Summary: Guilt-ridden Erin visits Jay in the hospital after he was kidnapped and abused.
Erin's POV
"I want to hear you say it…"
"Say what?"
"That you're no longer my partner."
His words echoed through my mind. Hank was right… I could have prevented everything from happening. If I had been there still working for the intelligence unit, Jay may not have been abducted. If Hank had my eyes on the scene I may have noticed something that no one else did.
Olinsky showed me the torture tape sent from Derek Keyes. I couldn't tear my eyes from the screen as I saw Jay beaten, tased, kicked, and abused. The way his body swung lifeless and his head rolled backwards was so unnatural.
"Alvin, just… Just shut it off," I whispered.
I was furious. I was furious with Derek Keyes for hurting my best friend and even more furious with myself for not being there. When I fell back into addiction, Jay was still there; trying to pull me out of the hole I had dug myself. What kind of friend was I? What kind of person was I? Instead it took Jay almost dying before I was able to pull myself back together.
"Let the unit know I'm taking a personal day."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alvin make a shallow nod before I charged out of the station. Once I reached my car, my tears started to fall.
Staring out of the windshield of my car, I couldn't help but let my mind wander. God, I was a horrible person, living a horrible life. My childhood was a nightmare. I was constantly trying to cover for my mother's addiction. I kept telling myself that it was my fault she needed drugs to cope with her life. If only I could have been a better child, perhaps my mother could have had a happier life. Although I attempted to put the past behind me, my failure to keep Nadia alive continued to feed the demon inside of me. If only she didn't go out to get my birthday cake, Gregory Yates would not have tortured, beat, and killed my friend. Nadia died and was buried in a small shallow grave. Her death is my fault. My life has been driven and dictated by guilt and no matter how many lives I save or how much good I can do in Chicago, I know I will never be whole again.
Shaking my head, I attempted to drive these venomous thoughts from my head. Jay needed me to be strong. Putting the car in drive, I sped over to Chicago Med. Walking through the Emergency Room doors, I quickly found Jay's brother Will.
"Hey! Will!" I shouted stopping an ER resident in their tracks.
"Yo, Erin, what's up?"
"Jay… I'm looking for him, where is he?"
"I pulled some strings. Currently he has a private room in the ICU. He will probably be moved from there tomorrow. Looks stable. Between my visits and the hourly updates from his attending, I've been keeping tabs on him."
"Do you have a room number?"
"Yup, 503."
"Awesome, thanks Will!" I hollered running down the hallway.
Rapidly pushing the elevator button, I groaned in annoyance as I decided to bolt up the stairs. Reaching the fifth floor, I quickly exited.
"Jay Halstead?" I gasped, grabbing the nearest nurse.
Slowly she pointed in a direction down the hall. Searching through each of the rooms, I finally found him at the very end of the hall.
Peering into the room, I couldn't help but notice how small he looked in the bed. He appeared to melt beneath the white sheets that blended into his pale face, minus the blue and purple blotches around his eyes and mouth.
Pulling up a chair beside the bed, I noticed through the crack in his hospital gown the bruises and dried blood that littered his chest and abdomen.
"Jay," I whispered as I slowly stroked his face. "I'm so sorry."
His shallow breathing looked labored. I couldn't imagine the pain radiating through his body for this one important life preserving function.
Carefully I crawled into the small hospital bed. Taking Jay's limp hand I wrapped it around my tiny body. Turning towards his face, I let a few more stray tears leak from my eyes.
"Come back to me," I pleaded softly. "Come back to me Jay."
I don't know how long I stayed in that hospital bed. Long enough for the drama and the excitement of the day to catch up with me. When I awoke from my light nap, I saw two green eyes staring at me.
"Jay," I gasped.
"Erin," he tenderly responded.
Slowly I moved my hand toward his face as I stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes, and sighed deeply. His breathing was still labored.
"I'm glad it was you," he started. "You saved me."
"If I had been there for you… If I was your backup, this may have never happened to you."
"You…You don't know that Erin. You can't carry that guilt on your shoulders."
"I was just so angry about everything. Angry about Nadia, about my life. I was at the point where I would do anything to push the pain away. I pushed you away Jay and that almost cost you your life."
"But it didn't. I'm still alive. I'm here."
Lifting the seam of his hospital gown, I could see the black and blue bruises that littered his chest and abdomen. Carefully I lowered my head and began to lightly kiss each wound. The dried blood felt salty in my mouth as I pressed on.
Feeling a hand under my chin, Jay lifted my head as green eyes met hazel. Then he leaned in for a kiss. His velvet lips brushed mine tenderly as I leaned in too.
"All is forgiven," he whispered.
And with those three simple words my burdens were released.