Hi, readers! I'm on again. Our vacation starts today, so here's my first treat. Hope you will like this, perhaps, two-chaptered story. It maybe dull but please bear with me. I wrote this because I'm too depressed with my schooling. Ever felt like you're wasted? That's what I am feeling right now. I wasted my time and effort for nothing. I won't be marching up the stage, receiving my token of excellence for just a matter of 0.03!
I'm so sorry for having it mentioned here, because I wasn't allowed to cry..sounds like lyrics from a song.
Again, as a cliché of mine, I'll update this as soon as possible.
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis ( how I wish..but never! Ouch!)
" Maybe I was just expecting too much never knowing it's already hurting you"
I should never be jealous.
That's one thing I know I should learn in my newly found existence… with Ryoma. Well, it has been four years since that long awaited miracle happened which I could say caused the world of most girls surrounding him crumble.
I didn't know what happen. Nope, I couldn't simply explain. I had never known whether he really had an idea of what I was going through..of my feelings for him. All I knew was that when my 18th birthday came, yeah..my debut, I was dancing with Fuji-senpai as a part of the 18 dances when he suddenly butted in. Mind you, he was not in any way my escort or partner for that occasion, it was Fuji-senpai. But of course, since a debut is, according to them, every little girl's dream, I also dreamt of having him as my partner..as my first dance, but then, I was not that naïve to pursue it. Since I couldn't decide then who my partner would be, Grandma made the decision. I never complained for no other choice was to be considered anyway. And Fuji-senpai was also a great friend of mine.
As I was saying, while we were dancing waltz, he just suddenly tapped Fuji-senpai's shoulder and gave him a look. I was not able to make sense of that look - he was an expert in hiding his feelings anyway. I waited, trying to figure out what course of action would take place in the next 60 seconds. Fuji-senpai looked back at me and smiled, then bowed. The next thing he did sent me out to the outer space. He gave my hand to Ryoma, and perhaps Ryoma sensed that I lost sight of reality, so he squeezed my hand gently, pulled me close, and put his arms around my waist; he took the lead. I was then greeted by utter silence and even without scanning the area, I knew that the people there were also frozen in their places.
Worse than that, I could feel Ryoma's eyes on me! Of course, I was staring at my feet, wishing that there was something wrong in them that I had to fix as an excuse for myself. But, obviously, it would be a lame one. The gears of my brain then were only processing words like, we're too close, please stop looking at me, is there something wrong at my face, what has he eaten, am I dreaming or what, someone slap me now! My thoughts were interrupted for he finally spoke.
" Are you really planning to stare at your feet until the dance ends?" his voice was at the right level of the volume scale but it demanded an answer, which I failed to give.
Next question:
" Tell me, are you not feeling comfortable with me here? Just tell me," this time, his voice was of constrained disappointment.
That time, I could not do anything other than describing his voice. Silly!
Still, couldn't find the right kind of answer. But of course, I didn't want him to walk out. For one, it would signify my displeasure of his action which would humiliate him in front of the crowd that never would I allow to happen especially if it would be because of me. More importantly, that was my very dream..so how could I throw it away? Well, just remembering a song. That song has been playing in my ears for how many days already.
Back to that day.
Given my circumstance of which I had no escape, I gathered my rational thoughts and let them dictate me. So, what I did next was meeting his eyes.
He smiled and grinned, and tucked some of my stray hairs behind my ear. The warmth of his hand made my blood rise to my cheeks, and I swear, I had a blush-on retouch with the invisible kit.
He whispered in my ears.
" I hope you now know, what this means, Sakuno. I know you have dreamt of this moment," he paused and then smiled deeply, " and I've also dreamt of this, too."
Before I could even possibly digest what he had just said, right then and there, he hugged me.
I was left with eyes widely opened and I was aware that all of the people there watching us also had the same reaction. More than that, I was also aware that they understood what every thing of that moment connoted, in the way I understood it.
My arms gave a respond and I hugged him back. Applause followed and that was the start of my whole new world.
As we entered an official relationship, I just couldn't imagine how each passing day got worse and worse. He is a famous tennis player, not just in Japan, famous here means the whole world thing. I often received criticisms from different persons. One said that it was ironic for Ryoma to be in love with someone who sucks at tennis, that is obviously me. Others said that they were highly expecting Ryoma to be with someone who shares the same interest as him, tennis of course. One popular model who was rumored to have her eyes on Ryoma said that she felt pity for him, for BLINDLY falling in love with someone who's not academically excellent like him, who's not yet grown-up, considering the fact that the GIRL still wears long braids, who always stutters, who never had enough self-confidence to establish herself as Ryoma's girl in front of the media, and again who doesn't even know the playing position in tennis.
Not only that but also his two million fans clubs, still counting, have always filled my inbox, be it in texts or in email, with death threats which include: ambushing me, stalking me with harassment, kidnapping me, sabotaging my car, hitting me with a truck, slapping me until I get my head crashed into a wall, strangling me to death, suffocating me with Potassium cyanide or with any other chemicals or drugs, and the worst, having me take sleeping pills and then setting me up with another guy, with the pictures and everything that they would send to Ryoma until he would be the one to kill me.
Good thing, they were empty threats. I just don't know if it would still be the same case with the next batch of threats.
So, see, my life has never been safe since the day we became us.
There were times that I became fed up and instead of hitting those haters with revenge, I just hid my pain inside. I didn't even inform him of my condition though I knew he was aware that I really was receiving such. Only he didn't know that it was to that extent already that everybody around me seemed to have a grudge against me and could murder me anytime.
Just the other day, a stranger called, a female. Her words did shatter my heart.
" Well, I'm sure you're enjoying your life for capturing Ryoma's heart. But you're very wrong there, my dear, you never captured him. Everybody knows how dedicated he is to tennis, so I'm sure he won't have any time for you. Maybe you just overestimated his feelings toward you. Attention is different from love. Or maybe he's too tired already that he needs someone he could toy around. Don't be mad, I'm just stating what I observe and what I see in your relationship..if you could ever call it that. Say, you're the only one who give and give, right? Has he ever told you he loves you? I doubt it. For a famous and excellent guy like him, for sure, he just knows how to take and take – compliments, attention, admiration. But he doesn't know how to give them back. He gives nothing but pure efforts to his practices and trainings. That's all to it. So, I'm just here to warn you that you might just get hurt and I suggest that you give up on that relationship now or else, you'll be the first one to shed tears because of your obsession to him," and she hang up while I couldn't move away from the telephone stand.
I then covered my face and cried hard. Even though, most of what she said is just mere speculations, I can't hide the truth that they can be true. He never told the words I Love You. But I know it is what I am feeling from him. But what if I'm just imagining things? What if I'm just too afraid to face the opposite that's why I'm trying hard to make the things appear to me in the way I like them to be? What if he never really loved me? What if later, tomorrow, would be the end of us?
This was the first time that I've harbored uncertainty in our relationship. Yes, this might weaken and hell, ruin our relationship completely but it is my need to know and to prove them that he's not what they think of him and that I am not taken for granted.
The door suddenly creaked open and by that aura I sensed it was Ryoma. I wasn't even done with my crying yet and I looked so devastated that I could not face him unlike before when I always greeted him and cooked for him his favorite dish.
Aware of that little detail, he ran towards me and made me face him. His hands cupped my cheeks. His eyes penetrating mine.
" What happened?" Yeah, he was worried. I wondered if it was true.
" Nothing," I pulled free from him and tried to head to my room but he was fast and he caught my arm.
" You're not telling me what I need to know. I've accidentally read your emails and why didn't you even bother to tell me that you are receiving threats and criticisms like that?"
I looked back at him.
" And then? Now you know, Ryoma, what's next?" I was biting my lip so not to cry but with just my voice, he knew I was broken. As much as I wanted to maintain my composure, my sense of understanding of the current situation, I couldn't. The wound was just too deep and I could no longer see the positives. I suddenly felt like I had just let go of the foundation of our relationship. I had just lost the trust I was holding on to.
Now, everything to me was a blur.
His phone suddenly rang. What a timing! I was expecting for his answer, hoping it can make me feel better because I need to feel it, then here it came…another interruption. Just what kind of news was that! Ryoma even had the will to answer it amidst this whole thing.
Was that phone call mean a lot to him more than I mean to him?
He then hang up and looked at me with that troubled expression.
"Sakuno, let's finish this later. I have to attend my practice. You do understand that in two days, I'll be having my tournament, right? I'm sorry," he leaned to kiss me on the cheeks but I turned away.
I saw his expression changed into a confused one, perhaps puzzled by my gesture. But he had to put it behind in favor of his tennis practice. He was already walking to the door, when I, out of unfeigned pain, spoke the words I wish I could take back for I've always known what it would be.
" Ryoma, you have to choose, me or tennis? Just tell me, and I'll leave,"
Credits: Some expressions here are from Hush, Hush and Crescendo, some are lyrics from songs. They're not actually copy-paste..a bit revised on my part but then, they're still not mine.
Please give me reviews, faves, alerts…cheer me up. Thank you for reading, my dear readers. Sorry again for inconsistencies in my style, in grammar, in the correct usage of punctuation marks etc.
* i had a hard time publishing this. was there something wrong with FFN?