morethansummer1
Hey, everyone. Welcome to my second
RENT fic. I really want to thank everyone who responded to me on 'Loved
and Lost'. The reviews really meant a lot to me, they practically sent
me to the moon. Anyway, this one originally wasn't going to be written.
I was working on another RENTfic, and about half way through, my inspiration
died. I figured I'd try to focus on another fic, then I could go back and
keep working. Well, this one kind of took over for the past few months.
I've dabbled in slash quite a bit, but this is the first one I've actually
finished. It's that M/R factor taking over my brain. This is also my first
attempt at chaptering, mostly as an experiment and so I have some more
time to work out the kinks on the ending.
Any comments or feedback would be appreciated.
I'm a little nervous about posting this, and I'm not quite as happy about
how it's going so far as I was with 'Loved and Lost'. It should turn out
to be five chapters. Not extremely long, but I should be getting the chapters
up pretty fast. I want to make this fic work, so any constructive criticism
is welcome. If there's anything screwed up or slightly off in my story,
I'd like to fix it. Anyway. I hope you enjoy it. I've cerainly had fun
with it. :) And thanks go to the Angel Cast for bringing RENT alive for
me. Trey Ellet and Dean Balkwill haunt my dreams.
WARNING: This story contains a same-sex
relationship. While I doubt that any RENT fans really need any sort of
special warning, I figured I would anyway. If you don't like the idea of
Mark and Roger in a romantic relationship, this ain't the story for you.
If you hate sap or DepressedMark, I'd stop now. :)
Disclaimer: RENT and its characters belong
to Jonathan Larson. There's no malicious nature behind my writing, I make
no profit. RENT's just inspired me, and I needed to share. My eternal praises
go to Jonathan Larson.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Than Summer
Everyone has something in their life that just
doesn't feel entirely right. It seems like a part of the human condition.
Some people have ethical questions about their jobs, some are uncomfortable
with their accomplishments, some uneasy in their circle of friends. For
me? It was something pretty simple, something that people can take for
granted, yet for me it was like a glimpse into a different world. I couldn't
help being uneasy with it, though I'm probably one of the only people who
gets twitchy when, for the first time, I truly feel like I belong and feel...
loved.
Love was something I hadn't expected to feel since
the naïve days that I spent with Maureen, back when she was my goddess
and I was nothing but her servant. Love was alien, love was bizarre. It
was something for everyone in the world but me. There were so many times
I came close to touching it, only to find that it remained just out of
reach. It had been that way most of my life. Since high school, all I could
remember was night after night with something missing from my soul, something
aching with its solitude.
Love just wasn't for me. A part of me wondered
if I was always going to be alone in my heart. Sure, I had my friends,
but that wasn't quite what I craved.
Then I found it. Three years after Mimi died,
the uncomfortable silence between us melted away and Roger began to heal.
A part of me began to heal as well, the innocence lost in Maureen. Somewhere
in there, shyness gave way, and we've walked our roads together ever since.
Maybe we don't have the best relationship, between my workaholic nature
and his brooding devotion to his music, but we've found some sort of happiness.
It's the kind no one would ever expect, but it's there, mixed in with our
own kind of screwed up love. Some days, it seems like we're living in some
kind of perfectly sappy fairy tale. Some days, I don't even know who he
is. But you roll with the punches, right?
Yet I've spent most of my life thinking that I
would always be alone. When things changed, there was something about it
that was distinctly unsettling.
********************
March 14th
********************
So you say
I'm too quiet
Holding things
Up in my head
I say so much
But you don't buy it
I don't want to wake up
Alone in my head
Oh say that you'll never go now
Don't go
Don't go
I need a lot of you
I want a lot of you
I need a lot of you
All of you
~Vertical Horizon "All of You"
I hate mornings more than anything. People somehow
assume that I'm a morning person, and the truth can't be farther from that.
I hate the grogginess, the soreness from sleeping in weird positions, acting
as a reminder that I'm still alive... "Mrg," I mumbled, rolling over in
my bed as the bitter taste in my mouth nearly made me gag. The faint sounds
of traffic from outside the window told me that I had already slept a good
part of the morning away, but I didn't care. There would always be another
time for filmmaking. For this one moment, I wanted to be in bed. Hopefully
sleeping. My eyelids refused to open, and after a minute of trying to get
up the strength to roll out of bed, it didn't even seem to be worth the
effort.
"Mark, get out of bed. Or else." Roger's decidedly
grumpy voice pierced through the sleepy haze over my mind. Roger. I could
deal with Roger in the morning. No catastrophes so far.
"No." Plain, simple, to the point. I didn't have
the energy for anything else.
Of course, that wouldn't work. "Get up."
I managed to weakly raise an arm, shielding my
eyes with it as I blearily peered up at him. Roger was looming over me
and I could just make out the fuzzy image of his face, with its dark eyes
and soft golden curls. Sleep. Sleep good. Waking bad, I thought
drowsily. "Make me."
"You really want me to?" Roger's voice held a
slightly amused undertone and a distinct edge that would have made me worried
if I was a little more awake. Normally, it was an indication that I was
going to find some trouble.
I rolled over, burying my face in the inviting
softness of my much-beloved pillow. "Nraaaugh."
"Fine," Roger answered, barely containing the
faint snicker in his voice. I ignored him, the pleasant weariness once
more blanketing my brain. I could have drifted here forever. The bed was
so warm, so comfy...
A spark of awareness leapt into my brain suddenly.
Roger's callused hand drifted across my bare foot. His fingers lightly
traced along the heel, making me squirm slightly as they brushed along
the sole. I bit my lower lip, trying to ignore the laughter threatening
to escape. No, I am not ticklish, I am not ticklish... Denial didn't
help much. His fingers worked their way up to the more sensitive skin around
my ankle.
"Maaaark," Roger crooned, almost playful. I could
have gladly murdered him, if it weren't for the fact that I was too tired
and he had the upper hand. Not to mention that he wasn't normally this
cheerful, so if he wanted to play, I'd let him. He leaned over me and I
drew in a sharp breath as he traced a finger along my cheek, tucking a
few strands of hair back behind my ear. There was no way he didn't know
I was awake now. I felt him lean closer, his lips barely grazing my ear.
"Wakey-wakey," he whispered, his breath gently tickling while simultaneously
bringing a slight flush to my cheeks.
I couldn't hide the faint smile on my lips, and
I could practically sense his own. "So, Mark's awake," he murmured, and
the amusement in his tone finally registered with me. There was something
up, he was planning something.
And suddenly, I wasn't in bed, but rolling on
the floor, letting out a wild yelp that surprised even me. "AUGH!" Cold!
So fucking *cold*! In my sleep-muddled brain it took me a moment to process
it, but as my eyes snapped open, I found myself staring up at Roger, who
was holding an empty pitcher with a few stray ice cubes still at the bottom.
I was soaked. Dammit, dammit, dammit. He couldn't just mope like he
usually does, nooooo, he had to wake me up, I mentally grumbled, wincing
as I unbuttoned my pajama top and threw it on the floor. Dammit, *cold*.
Dragging a still-dry blanket off my bed, I wrapped it around myself and
glared up at Roger.
Unfortunately, my glare of utter rage and homicidal
intent isn't very threatening. Roger just stared evenly back into my gaze,
a slight smirk on his expression. I wilted, trying the other method that
I've found works with him: sorrow. My face screwed up into a slight pout,
and I hung my head with all the sadness I could muster.
"Sorry Mark," he said softly, meeting my eyes
with his amused cerulean gaze. At least there seemed to be a little regret
for his prank in there... My frown deepened as I suddenly became conscious
of the water dripping down my nose, of the fact that my feet were freezing,
and that I was on the floor instead of my nice warm bed. The look got a
response out of Roger, if not the kind that I wanted. He began to laugh
with his low, warm chuckle. "You just look so... sad. Like a drowned puppy."
A puppy? Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed
my reflection in the mirror by the door, and couldn't help the tiniest
of smiles. I looked pretty stupid, sitting there, my hair up in drenched
spikes and a blanket wrapped around me. I whimpered, and Roger patted my
head in response. "Okay, good boy. Now, you need to get up."
Oh yeah. Morning. That part. Once more a little
annoyance took over my brain, and I scowled up. "Why the hell were you
waking me up early, anyway?"
"*You* told me to wake you up. Remember? Work,
shopping with Collins, yadda yadda..."
"And you listened to me?" You'd think he'd know
better than that. "What are you going to be doing?" My mind was beginning
to churn, the creaking cogs coming up with an idea to cast off grocery
shopping onto him.
Roger's gaze abruptly left mine, the gentle smile
vanishing into what seemed to be his perpetual look: a pensive, faraway
stare. "I have some things to do," he said simply.
I didn't question it. Long ago I learned about
where he'd vanish off to. It was stupid, I know, but about a month after
we became more than best friends, I couldn't contain my curiosity about
where he would go every month or so. He'd vanish off, and all my pestering
couldn't get it out of him. So I followed him. Sometimes he went out of
town, just driving and never stopping. Sometimes he would drift by clubs,
slowing outside for a moment before continuing on. But he always drove
to the cemetery to visit Mimi's grave. She was buried right next to Angel.
Someday, I think we were all going to be there.
I never asked him about it again.
It's hard to love a guy like that. Sometimes I
see a look on his face, and I know he's remembering her. I'll never begrudge
him the place in his heart that will always belong to her. I'll never try
to take that. But it hurts sometimes, and every now and then when the loft
is empty except for my lonesome self, I wonder if I even have a place in
his soul. He's not the most affectionate guy, or the most open. Trying
to crack his walls only results in more indifference. Still, I think he
feels a love for me. While he does have the look for Mimi, I discovered
something interesting last month. Rewatching a film I had made during one
of Maureen's recent protests (I still don't understand the point of the
sheep costume, but that's Maureen...), he turned to me with a quiet, lazy
smile that I recognized on him. It was then I realized that it faded the
moment he looked away. That smile was mine. That's the way I know he cares.
"Well, I'll see you later, then..." I shrugged
slightly, reaching for the closest sweater after a quick up-and-down glance.
It didn't smell that bad, and it didn't have any visible stains. It'd be
fine. Roger leaned down, planting a light kiss on my forehead before pulling
away. I slipped the sweater over my head, and as I looked around again,
he was gone.
Me, myself, and I. Welcome back, I thought,
grabbing my camera and aiming it towards the mirror. "Close in on Mark,
the infinitely tortured boyfriend," I announced, grinning. I looked like
a goof with that stupid smile, I knew it, but Roger did that to me sometimes.
"And soon our woeful hero shall have his revenge. But first, shopping."
I kept up the monologue as I threw on some pants
and grabbed a bagel that didn't seem *too* stale. Definitely time to get
some groceries. Cradling my camera in my arms, I passed our makeshift table
with a cursory glance down, before quickly doing a double take. A yellow
post-it note was half hidden under the phone. Curiosity getting the best
of me, I picked it up and smiled slightly at Roger's crooked scrawl. It
was a few numbers, '11:15', '3/14', and the letters 'DS'. Strangely familiar.
11:15, 3/14, DS... The numbers swam for
a moment in my head, confused, before I finally glanced at the clock. It
was 10:50. March 14th. But DS... Let me tell you about the downside to
being me. I remember things. I've always had to, between spending my youth
trying to balance school and film, and then moving in with Roger and having
to be sure that he didn't miss gigs, or dates, or taking his AZT... I remember
things very well, and it took only a moment for it to click.
DS. Doctor Sutter, Roger's doctor. Collins's unorthodox
methods of getting cash had given us the luxury of medical help. Fuck.
Roger *hates* going to the doctor, and he hates dealing with anything medical.
Normally, the routine was me forcibly dragging Roger down to appointments.
Never once did he go voluntarily.
A strange coldness settled over my mind, the familiar
numbness that tickled at the back of my mind. Roger was going to the doctor.
Okay. That's fine. Nothing to worry about, nothing at all... Fuck, okay,
I was worried. God. Roger. Something *had* to be wrong... Closing my eyes,
I let the scrap flutter to the ground. It was immaterial. C'mon, everything's
okay. Don't be stupid. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine... You worry too
much. Stop it. Now.
The door flew open, sending me reeling in momentary
shock and nearly falling into the newly-arrived Collins. If he hadn't caught
me, I would have probably ended up with a permanently flattened nose.
"What's wrong?" He could immediately tell that
there was something wrong with me, even if the slight look of panic that
was probably crossing my face wasn't enough of a hint.
Roger was okay. He had to be. I was overreacting
completely. Just because he didn't tell me that he was going to the one
place he hates... Desperation clouded my gaze as I looked up at him. "N-nothing,"
I stammered, my fingernails digging into the flesh of my palm. "But something
came up, I've got somewhere I need to go. You don't mind handling it alone
this time, do you?"
His searching gaze met mine, and it was barely
a second before he nodded. "Sure thing. I'll even get those Coco Puffs
for you." The man certainly knows my weaknesses, but I was too busy with
the fretting in the back of my mind.
"Thanks," I responded quickly, a certain amount
of relief washing over me. First step completed. Now, get to Roger.
Collins, his lips quirked into a sat sort of smile,
patted me on the shoulder. "Just relax and *breathe*, Mark." He turned
and headed back down the stairs, his footsteps echoing away on the concrete
floors as I was left alone, clutching the doorframe.
"Breathe, Mark," I ordered myself, and managed
to will my heart to slow. I was calm, I was in control. "Now be rational.
Roger would have told you if something were seriously wrong. He's probably
just going in for a check-up or to get some more of his prescription filled."
Yeah
right, like he'd tell me.
The specter was always hanging over me. Angel.
Mimi. AIDS has taken down the best of us. Collins seemed like he was going
strong, but it was hard to forget that someday he would be gone. But Roger
was the one I always tried to forget. Every fucking day I try to forget
that he wouldn't be with me forever, even if I had the romantic notions
that I want him in my arms for the rest of time. He's Roger. He's my soul.
I hadn't even noticed that I was already down
the stairs and out of the building. My feet seemed to have a mind of their
own, so used to guiding me when distracted that they instinctively took
off running down the block. The familiar scents of decay and garbage mingling
with car exhaust seemed so far off. Everything did.
One block. Two blocks. My body wasn't made for
running, and I slowed down, my breathing labored, but I kept walking. Every
now and then, I would walk a little faster. Four blocks. Five. After a
mile more, I was practically ready to drop. I *definitely* was more than
a little out of shape.
When you get tired, it's harder to control your
mind. Among the exhaustion, thoughts you wanted to ignore pop up. Frustration
tends to build. By that point, I was only a few blocks from the small medical
offices, and those thoughts that I wanted to ignore crept up, mixed in
with frustration.
Who the hell does he think he is? He says he
*loves* me, yet he won't tell me about the damned visit to his doctor...
I'm supposed to know about these things. Of course, it's not like he even
talks to me lately, always out with his damned *band* or with his *buddies*.
Fuck, he complains about me always being with my camera, but you can't
take that guitar away from him for a *second*... As my mental rant
went on, my steps turned more into stomps, and I could feel my expression
turning into more of a glare than anything else. Any 'Thanks for getting
the groceries, Mark?' or 'Let's go get dinner, just you and me, Mark?'
Nope, just leaving me alone, because I'm always alone. Mark's used to being
alone, Mark must *like* being alone...
My teeth were nearly jarred out of my skull as
I slammed into someone and was smacked back to reality.
"Mark, honey! Slow down!" Laughing, the goddess
Maureen blessed my simple soul with a kiss on the cheek. My teeth were
practically cracking as I ground them, yet as I was pulled into a hug,
my anger deflated slightly. Maureen's got this aura. Even if she drives
you nuts, frustration against the world tends to lose its edge around her.
"Where's the fire?"
"Nowhere," I said, shrugging. "I'm just going
somewhere."
Her cattish eyes met mine, and feline grace seemed
to fill her every pore as she brushed a hand along my cheek. I wonder sometimes
how she doesn't drive Joanne completely off the edge. "Well," she answered
lightly, "you don't seem to be too happy with wherever you're headed. I
swear, you look like you're going to rip someone's throat out with your
teeth."
"I might."
The light-hearted exterior gave way for a moment,
her eyes narrowing and giving a glimpse of the shadows behind them. "Mind
it being Joanne?"
The tone in her voice told me that it was the
usual situation. "Fighting again?" I couldn't help a slight grin.
"You could say that," she murmured, a hard edge
on her tone. "She wants everything *her* way. I've never met a woman so
unwilling to compromise."
Now I *did* have to try and stifle the laugh.
"I see."
Maureen didn't even seem to hear my response,
continuing with a dramatic wave of her hand. "And she never tells me anything!
She left on a week for her law conference without even telling me! Just
a note on the table, 'see you in a week, love'. A week?! Really! And she'll
just come in and never tell me anything! Not even listen to me when *I*
try to talk!"
Sounds familiar, doesn't it? I wish I could
kill my mental voices. Preferably with something sharp.
"I just want to up and leave her. There's other
women. I don't need her, do I?" That was when she turned on the old Maureen
charm, looking at me with moonlike eyes that were practically glinting
with innocence and pleading.
I kept in the sigh that I wanted to exhale, instead
giving in with a docile nod. It's the Mark thing to do, after all. You
can't win against Maureen. Besides, even though Roger's stolen my heart,
Maureen's still got a little power over me. "You could have half the men
in the clubs at your feet, Maureen. And the women."
My half-hearted reassurance still seemed to satisfy
her. "Well," she said with a pained sigh, "I do love Joanne, even if I'm
going to scream the next time I hear 'let's just go to bed' when I try
to start a decent conversation. I think the love's left our relationship.
But I'll stay with her... I do wish it would work..." Her eyes took on
a faraway look, and felt the slightest pang in my chest. I used get that
feeling a lot and wish that she had even once gotten a look like that thinking
about me. Over time it had faded, as Roger captured my being. As his image
invaded my mind, I realized that I felt like I was truly over Maureen.
Wistful thinking. I grinned slightly, the
half-hearted attempt slipping as my thoughts once more took on a slow pulse.
Roger. Roger. "I really have to go," I took a slow step back, my heel scraping
the sidewalk.
"Aww...." She looked about to pout, when suddenly
her head tilted, turning slightly as she gazed at the street. "Hey, isn't
that Roger?"
She was right. The beat-up, run down station wagon
that we called our own was stopped at an intersection. Roger was leaning
back, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He promised that he'd quit,
I thought, a little miffed. Belatedly remembering my purpose, I stood still,
my fingers digging into my camera case. Without thinking, I drew it out
and managed to shoot the back of the station wagon, disappearing around
a corner. The loft wasn't even in that direction. The cemetery. Duh.
"You okay?" I felt Maureen's hand on my shoulder,
and brushed it off without a thought.
I did manage a slight nod. "Yeah, fine..."
"Well, want a ride to wherever you're going?"
Like a magician, she held her hand up in the air, dangling a ring of keys
from her fingers.
I looked at her strangely, my eyebrow raising
as I swung my camera over and aimed it at the gleaming keys. It was sort
of an interesting shot. "Where'd you get those?"
"Joanne's out of town. Why does she care if I
borrow her car?" Maureen was definitely smirking now, and I zoomed in on
her gleaming eyes.
I whistled, letting the camera drop. "Braver than
I. Man, if she finds out..."
"I can handle Joanne." I finally noticed the familiar
dark blue Camry parked next to the curb, glittering under the sun. Following
Maureen, I got into the car and winced as she turned on the radio, blasting
some sort of esoteric, local rock music as loudly as possible.
"Can you drop me off at the cemetery?" I yelled,
jamming my fingers into my ears and letting my camera drop to my lap.
She looked at me for a moment, smiling that devilish
grin, before taking off with a wild screech of tires. "Anything for you!"
We arrived faster than I ever had before. I'm
not quite sure how I managed to not fly through the windshield, but I did
proudly survive. I even managed to pick up my camera halfway through and
get some amazing shots. It's got the potential to be a great chase scene.
Maybe some sort of interpretation as the hard push and fast pace of city
life, which seeks to crush artists...
God, I practically sounding like Maureen.
Even when the city's baking in the sun, the cemetery
always seems to have a chilly wind lightly caressing it. There's a perpetual
cloudiness over it, which is probably appropriate. With a brief smile to
Maureen, I unbuckled myself from the death trap of a Toyota and almost
fell out onto the ground. As she pulled away, I turned to face the dark
and dismal sight. Rows of headstones were lined up neatly, like teeth ready
to dig in. The grass even seemed sad, small patches gone and baring the
hard soil below. I don't like cemeteries. It's why I only go near them
when I have a purpose.
Striding down past the aging, cracking stones,
I headed for the familiar section. It was marked by a few saplings, which
stood strongly, despite the wind. A crowd of mourners, dressed in black
and with heads bent in sorrow, obstructed my view. Nodding to them as I
passed, I continued silently on my way, the only sounds being the step
of my shoes and the occasional sob from the mourners.
They were small headstones. Benny wasn't going
to pay for much, but it was nice all the same. Two, nearly identical, despite
the years between the deaths. I knew what sight I would see, even the way
his blonde head would be bent just enough that I wouldn't see his face
on approach.
He was there, standing the same way I had seen
him in before. It was the same pose that he had the day that we laid her
into the ground. I paused for a moment, not entirely willing to go on.
Did I want to bring such stupid paranoia up in a place like this? Angel
hated fighting, and Mimi was in love with him... I didn't want to bring
this up here. I didn't.
No matter what I wanted, my feet had other ideas.
They drew me forward, step by step. At least my hands obeyed, and my arm
hung limp, my camera carefully nestled into my side.
"Roger."
He turned to me, barely offering a glance before
looking back at the pair of headstones. I knew it was Mimi's grave that
he was focused on, though. My eyes gazed past him, tracing over the familiar
letters and winding roses that were engraved into it. Unwillingly, my stare
strayed to the empty area beside it. We were on the outskirts, and someday,
the rest of us wanted to be laid here, too. I don't know if Benny would
pay for all of us, but I'd sell everything to ensure we'd always be together.
Roger will be beside her, I thought, before
willing away the horrifying image that came to my mind, of a lonely stone
with his name on it. Fuck! *No*, Mark. No. That was the last thought
I wanted right now. It was the one I never wanted to have again. Still,
it crept up on me, a nagging voice in the back of my head.
He'll leave
you someday, Mark. You'll come here and weep for him, won't you?
"Roger," I repeated, trying to block out my mind.
"You knew I was here." There was no emotion in
his voice. No anger, no regret, no love, not even the mildest hint of interest.
Damn
him! Fuck, is he even alive? It was driving me nuts. I wanted to scream,
to smack over the head with my camera, to try and get *some* reaction.
"Yeah. I saw you headed this way." I hesitated,
knowing that I had to say it. It may not have been the time, but there
was no better. "I also saw the note. You went to see the doctor?" I tried
to keep my voice causal, but there was a faint stress to it that I knew
he would pick up on.
"Uh-huh." No reaction again. Dammit, I wanted
to throttle him.
As some sort of unconscious mechanism, my finger
began to rub my camera, and I ached to turn it on. I could film him, then
maybe it wouldn't be so real, so aching. But I tried again. "Any reason?"
My 'not concerned' grin felt more like a pained grimace.
He glanced back at me, his eyes clearly conveying
a mixture of irritation and pain. It was a clear message of 'back up, Mark'.
And there was no way in hell I was going to let this go. Not with him.
"I mean, you don't normally go to the doctor.
And when you do, you tell me. Right?" The cheerful note in my voice dropped,
and to my embarrassment, my voice practically cracked on the last word.
A moment's silence by Roger was followed by a
heavy sigh. "Look, I had my reasons."
Reasons. Ha. The courage that welled up
at that moment was fueled by frustration. "Look, you can tell me anything,
Roger," I said quietly. "I love you, okay? You mean a lot to me. I hate
you hiding stuff like this, so quit fucking with me."
Another sigh, and his head drooped farther. "They
wanted to talk to me. I also had some more tests that needed to be done."
"Tests?" My breath caught in my throat. Tests
were never a good thing.
His lips quirked in that purely Roger smile, a
sorrow flickering in his pale eyes that made me want to cover my ears.
I
changed my mind, I don't want to hear this... "Tests," he affirmed,
nodding slowly. "Remember when I was sick last year?"
"Yeah." He had a hacking cough that lasted for
weeks. For awhile, his fever was so high that I thought he was truly going
to leave me. But he recovered, he's Roger. He's supposed to be invincible.
"Well, it was worse than you guys were told. It
wore down my immune system pretty bad. It didn't help anything." The somber
grin fell away, revealing Roger in a state I'd seen maybe once or twice
before: the walls down, the guard set aside. "Seems the estimates say that
I've got a few less years than I thought."
I didn't know how I was going to talk. "How long?"
I croaked.
He shrugged again. "Not sure. I'm not doing too
bad, I'm sticking with whatever shit they tell me to take to help... They're
thinking another three years, maybe four, with how my levels have been."
My stomach lurched. I always thought he was hiding how bad things were,
I'd always suspected.
"But... Roger, you're strong. You'll live longer
than that, I mean, look at Collins. He's still healthy as ever. And Gordon,
the guy down the street. You're... You're not going to die. You're not."
My words became slightly strained as I clutched my camera to my chest,
shaking my head. If I denied it enough, even God would have to believe
that Roger couldn't be taken from me.
"Don't be stupid, Mark." Maybe it came out harsher
than he intended, but he practically growled it at me. My heart sunk as
I turned away.
My gaze lingered up on the sky, the hints of blue
being hidden away by the darkening clouds. Rain soon. "Yeah, stupid," I
muttered bitterly. "I'm just a fucking joke to you, aren't I?"
He softened for a moment, and I could feel his
eyes on me. "You're not a joke to me. Never. But you can't kid yourself."
"Yeah, sure."
"Look," he murmured, his hand gently brushed my
shoulder, his finger trailing up to my neck. I twitched slightly. Damn
him, he knew all my sensitive spots. "Let's just go, okay?" I could hear
the sadness in his voice, and all I wanted to do was to reach out and hug
him. I wanted to tell him that I'd always be with him, that he was my anchor
to everything and anything.
But I didn't. As the rain began to pour, I quickly
stepped forward, letting his hand fall from my shoulder as we made our
way to his car in silence.
(End Chapter 1)