Title: Selfish

Synopsis: If all of his friend's pain was his fault, then why couldn't he just let go? Mega spoilers for Retrace 57, friends.

Rating: T

A/N: Retrace 57 broke my soul into little itty-bitty pieces. It also made most of my Elliot-as-Glen fanfics worthless. Therefore, I must start afresh and write all sorts of new and angsty fanfiction. This is the first of that. However, I've been busy and sick, so this was written pretty quickly. Please excuse any errors that may be in it; I assure you, they were unconsciously done.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pandora Hearts, its wacky plot or insane character.

. . .

It was his doing, and he knew that. There was no denying that it was true. All that Leo could do was give momentary relief to his friend and a chance to live in delirium. It was better—Leo thought—than realizing what he was and what he had done. Well, no. Of course it wasn't. But it was all that he could think of to do.

"Are you tired?" Elliot asked as he took off his shirt. There it was, the symbol of an illegal Contractor. Leo tried not to grimace as he saw it, tried not to think of who was using Humpty Dumpty at that moment, or if Elliot himself had done something while Leo was looking away. Either way, the seal looked closer and closer to being completed every day. "You haven't said much tonight."

Briefly, Leo wondered if Elliot would throw himself in front of a bullet for him. Of course, Elliot hated it when someone sacrificed themselves for the sake of another, but hadn't he—unknowingly, maybe—sacrificed himself, his reputation and his family for the sake of a servant without a last name? It was not that Leo wanted this; of course he did not want that, but the thought surfaced without his consent.

And that thought was if Elliot himself would do it, not if Humpty Dumpty would throw its Contractor in front of the bullet. That was never the question, but always seemed to be the glaringly obvious answer.

"No," Leo told the only person for whom he would think about stepping in front of a bullet for. "I just have a lot to think of." But was that true, really? Leo sat down on a nearby chair and stared at his own hands. There was only one encompassing thought in Leo's mind. He glanced up at Elliot once again and could see nothing but the advancing seal on his chest. It glowed for a moment and moved even closer to its intended destination. Elliot winced, but seemed unaffected besides that. He probably thought that it was heartburn or something of that nature. He probably would have never guessed what it truly was.

Could Leo save the friend who he had put on death's row?

Elliot yawned and stretched, reaching his hands up as if he was praying. His pants slid down as a result, revealing most of his stomach. "Elliot, have you lost weight?" Leo realized now that it had been some time since Elliot had showed himself to him in such a revealing fashion in front of Leo. His body had… changed. And not for the better. Elliot was always thin, but the way he looked now seemed more than unhealthy. Even when Elliot stopped stretching and crossed his arms over his chest, Leo could see the sunken-in stomach and the protruding ribs that had not been there when the two of them had first met. "You don't look so good." Something in Leo's own chest sunk in at the sight of his friend looking so ill, and only getting worse as Leo noticed the illegal Contractor's seal disappearing off of Elliot's without him even noticing.

Elliot looked at the far wall of the room. "I don't know what you're talking about." He took his pajamas into the bathroom, presumably to change. "I'll be back in a minute." He hurried off to the bathroom that the two of them shared.

Leo did not change; he knew that he would not sleep tonight, just like he had not slept last night or the night before that. The insomnia was self-induced, a punishment, in some ways. It was not that he could not go to bed, but was that he did not want to. There was always this gripping fear that he would wake-up in the morning and Elliot would be gone; dragged into the Abyss without a sound. This was unlikely, of course, but enough to fill Leo with dread, because without Elliot, what would he have? What reason would he have to live?

Before Elliot was there, Leo merely existed. He was alive, yes, but there was nothing but the piano that pleased him. He had taken up space and breathed the earth's air, but he did little else besides that, play music and read. And that had been fine with him; the music had been enough to make him fill fulfilled enough to have an excuse to exist. Blame, Leo supposed, could be put on Elliot. It was Elliot who had first taken an interest in Leo, Elliot who had insisted they be friends despite the fact that Leo did his best to push him away and Elliot who made Leo care about him so damn much. If that had never happened, if Elliot had just passed him by, then Elliot's life would have been so different; he could have been happy. Elliot had given Leo a reason to exist, a person to care about and protect. And those actions were what doomed Elliot. By saving Leo, he just about killed himself.

Of course, those were all just excuses. It was Leo who should have tried harder to push Elliot away, and Leo who should not have formed an attachment. From the moment that Leo realized that he thought of Elliot as more than just a random, rich acquaintance, he should have done all that he could to try to push him away. He should have never thought that things would be different and that Elliot could somehow come out of their relationship as a whole person. Everyone who came close to Leo came to nothing but despair and unhappiness, leading only to death.

Still, even knowing all of this, Leo continued the relationship and found that he could not give Elliot up, even if it were for the sake of his most dear friend's life. At core, Leo supposed that he was a selfish person. The thought of giving up the thing that gave him so much pleasure and warmth was the only thought that seemed to be unreasonable to him. If Elliot were to be dragged into the Abyss, then Leo would have to find a way to stop it or to jump in after him or… something. He would not loose another person to-

"Another?" He whispered to himself just as Elliot returned. "You changed," Leo said lamely.

Elliot stared at him. "No," he said. "I actually was crowned the high prince of-"

"Are you feeling alright?" The earnest worry in Leo's voice made Elliot stop. He nodded his head. "Are you sure?" Elliot nodded again. Neither time was with much emotion nor was either time convincing.

Of course, Leo could not ease all of the pain that his friend had, but he could try. He could try to make him forget and to be numb, but in the end, what would that do for either of them? By forcing that thing to make Elliot forget all of the evil that he had… No… All of the evil that had happened, all Leo did was make himself feel better.

Elliot walked towards the bed, but paused. "What about you?" he asked, eyeing Leo. "Are you feeling alright?"

Leo smiled; he wasn't sure that it worked. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Because," Elliot continued. "If something were wrong, I'd help you."

"I know that." Leo cannot look Elliot in the eye as he says this. "And I'd do the same for you."

All of that is lies. Leo never trusted anyone, not from the day he was born, and he had been used to that. But then came Elliot; Elliot with his relentless attempts at friendship and songwriting, his bad manners and worse temper and all of the happiness that those traits had brought to Leo through their acquaintance. For once Leo had thought that things would work out and that he could be truly and freely happy with someone; that he could be honest and open with a person and they would give the same respect to him back.

Now he has to wonder who is talking: Elliot or Humpty. And he has to wonder if anything were to happen to Elliot, if he could do anything to prevent it, or if he would have no choice but to watch his friend fall into the Abyss without even trying to fight back. Was it a power too great for even their friendship to overcome? Leo knew that nothing on earth could stop him from trying to save Elliot; he owed him that much for the pains that Leo had inflicted on him and for the unstinting friendship that he received in return, despite his sins. But the thought of being against a force that was almost unstable was daunting for even the most loyal of friends.

Elliot climbed into his bed and blew out the candle next to it. The only light in the room came from the small candle on the table next to Leo's chair, just barely bright enough to light the book that Leo would read as he watched Elliot sleep, in case something were to happen during the night. "Good night," Elliot told Leo, who said nothing in return.

And then there was silence, only broken by Elliot moving in the sheets or snoring. It seemed that Elliot would sleep through the night and that there would be no moans or nightmares, no reason for Leo to feel guilty and worthless as Elliot spent another day exhausted from the lack of sleep. Hour after hour crept by and Leo found himself either dozing or half-heartedly reading the novel in his hands, only to find that he read a page four times without actually remembering a single word that had been on it.

All Leo could think of was Elliot and how Humpty could suppress him during the day, but how he seemed to be free during the night. How Leo knew that every time Elliot said that he was fine, it was a lie. Because he could see Elliot when he could not see himself; he saw the Contractor's seal and he saw the pain in his nightmares.

Neither of which, he was able to protect his friend from.

The clock struck seven and Elliot woke-up with a start. "Damn it!" he said. "I'm late!" His attention turned to Leo—barely awake, at that point—still dressed in his chair. "Why didn't you wake me up?" he yelled at Leo.

"You slept well; I didn't want to-"

"Well, I'm going to be late." Elliot hopped around as he tried to get his pants on, nearly tripping on a chair. "Damn!" He stopped for a moment, looked at Leo and sighed. "Sometimes I wonder why I ever picked you."

There was silence between them for a moment, and for that same moment, Elliot thought that he had—perhaps for the first time in his life—said the wrong thing. Then, suddenly, Leo smiled. "You're right," he said with a chuckle. "There is no way that I am fit to serve." The reasons why, however, Leo knew that he would have to leave to Elliot's imagination.

After all, when someone poisons someone else, the point is not to get caught. And that's all that Leo was; he was the poison that would kill Elliot Nightray.

. . .

Fin