Title: "Come to me"
Author: Benedetta (feedback is highly appreciated, good or bad, as long as it is polite and constructive)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own Mac & Harm. If I did, we would have had a wedding by now and much much less fuckwittage. Unfortunately, I don't own Ricky Martin either (ojalà!). His song, "Private Emotion", performed with Meja, belongs to Sony Music Entertainment (1999), I just like to play it on my stereo.
Spoilers: Everything up to beginning Season 8, Critical Condition. Quotes from Adrift II (S7).
Summary: Song-fiction. A song helps Mac understand (nothing more or I'll spoil it!).
Author's notes: Hope it's not too bad, "be gentle". Thanks heaps to Tammy for the betaing and to Jag Archive and Dress Whites, as references!
Come to me
Mac was sitting on the couch in her leaving room, staring straight in front of her, not really seeing anything. A CD was playing softly in the background, but she wasn't really paying any attention to it. It was the first afternoon she had got all for herself: after Afghanistan, after the dirty nuke on the Seahawk, after Bud.
Bud.
He was doing well, apparently, facing rehab with a determination most people wouldn't think he possessed. Yet, she was not most people. Bud was such a gentle, a caring and sweet individual, a "family man", as Singer defined him once, her voice full of contempt. His big honest blue eyes often deceived people and made them think he was not the sharpest tool in the shed, but, again, she knew better than that.
She knew he was a skilled lawyer, a reliable friend, and an outstanding officer. She knew how brave he could be, maybe not chasing dirty nukes as Harm, not that kind of bravery, but facing life and its slaps, from his father's abuses to the death of Baby Sarah, never letting his demons haunt him down.
Bud and Harriet were now facing this, together as they always did, not letting it beat them. The bond they shared was such a beautiful thing to witness, so rare and amazing.
Mac couldn't help but feel jealousy towards them, even in this tragedy. Would she ever be able to share a bond like that with someone? Would she ever be able to have someone, who stood by her in the face of anything?
"Harm". The answer came to her mind right away. "Harm", she thought with relief. She had Harm... or did she?
They were closer now that they had been in the past year or so, slowly getting back the relationship they had before he went back to flying. The teasing was back, the bantering, but also the part about leaning onto each other to get through the tough times.
He had been her rock during the whole Bud thing and it had been such an amazing surprise to see him lean onto her as well. The jet-jock flyboy, the hero always keeping up a brave front, the man terrified to show his emotions had let himself cry helplessly in front of her, had almost cried helplessly in her arms. He let her comfort him, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if she hadn't been doing any different all her life.
It felt so natural, so right. Yet, it was a whole new feeling.
She could remember herself crying in his arms, when she left JAG, and doing the same thing, when he was the one leaving. She could remember herself attacking him, when Dalton died and she got drunk, she could remember herself knocking on his door before Chris died, just to find out that he didn't have time for her.
It had always been her. She was the one in need, the one crying, getting drunk, asking for help. She was the one offering her heart on the palm of her hand, on a ferry in Sydney Harbour, in front of a smashing Opera House, under a bridge where they wrote Eternity on New Year's Eve.
Harm, on the other hand, .
Harm, "so righteous, so pure", was the one always in control, the one who never showed any emotion, the one who never let his feelings manipulate him. Yes, there were his father and Russia, but, even then, he didn't ask for her help. She volunteered.
Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., the man one who would never "let go".
It had always been a one-way street.
Suddenly, Mac took notice of the music in the background, Ricky Martin's soft bedroom voice repeating over and over again, like a mantra:
"Come to me. come to me. come to me"
Mac started crying, she couldn't help herself. She cried silently, without sobs, shining streams of tears flowing freely on her cheeks, as another memory surfaced. The night Mic walked out of her life for good.
"Come to me"
"Why?"
"So we can talk"
"We already talked"
"Don't argue with me"
"I need a better reason"
"You know the reason. Mac?"
"I'm here"
"I'm waiting"
But, then, he was not. He had Renee to take care off. Not that she blamed him for it. She understood: he had a commitment to Renee, he had feelings for her, even if they didn't involve love, and she needed him.
Her mind understood, but understanding didn't make her heart hurt any less. Standing in the rain, watching Renee finding support in him, watching Renee staying right where her whole being ached to be, in his arms, hurt so much. Renee needed him, but so did she. She could still feel the pain, the weight on her chest, the difficulty to breathe, the rain washing over her in the night.
Then, she registered the words of the song again:
"Every endless night has a dawning day,
Every darkest sky has its shining ray
And it shines on you
Baby, can't you see,
You're the only one who can shine for me.
It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And the silence falls between us,
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it,
Wherever it may lead,
Let your private emotion come to me.
Come to me. come to me. come to me."
Maybe, there had really been a "dawning day" for their relationship.
Maybe, in the "darkest sky" of Bud's tragedy, Harm and her had truly found a "shining ray". Harmon Rabb, Jr., the one man who would never "let go", the man who never shared his feelings with anyone, had let himself cry in front of her, had sought her comfort.
Harm had sought HER.
"When your soul is tired and your heart is weak,
Do you think of love as a one-way street?
Well, it runs both ways. Open up your eyes.
Can't you see me here? How can you deny?"
Mac hit the repeat button of the stereo, letting the music wash over her, letting the words play again and again in her ears. She couldn't stop crying, she actually didn't even bother trying, as she let all the tension of the past few weeks release, the tears taking away all the pain and the stress.
A new understanding dawned on her, as she realised what exactly had happened that night on the Seahawk, in front of a sickbay.
Harmon Rabb had let go.
"Every endless night has a dawning day,
Every darkest sky has its shining ray
It takes a lot to lught,
As your tears go by,
But you can find me here till your tears run dry."
There was not a precise reason why Harm was climbing the front steps of Mac's house.
It was the first afternoon he had for himself since they came back from Afghanistan, after taking care of Bud, after watching carefully over Harriet and AJ, and after filing never-ending reports. The first chance to regroup and take care of the thousand things that needed to be taken care of, including Sergei and his visa.
However, he was not doing any of this, he was climbing the stairs to his partner's place, having already seen her familiar silhouette in the window. They had rarely had a moment apart in the past few weeks and he didn't complain. On the contrary, Harm found that he couldn't stay away from her. He missed having Mac around all the time.
To be brutally honest, he missed HER, period.
He had been missing her for so long now.
Since the kiss on the Admiral's porch, since the night he asked her to come to him, only to find Fate once again in the way of their relationship. He had been missing her since when he hadn't been able to reply straightaway to her question on the Guadalcanal, since the Jag-a-thon, when he wanted to beg her for a new beginning and had thanked God that she offered one.
It had been a familiar feeling, missing her, an emotion he was almost use to living with.
Almost.
All the things that happened in Afghanistan, the landmine, the friendly fire in the desert, the dirty nuke, and, most of all, Bud's accident, made him realise just how much he needed her, just how he couldn't even breathe without her. When he let himself cry with her after the doctor told them that Bud made it, he knew that he had finally conquered all his demons.
Again, he had to see her. He couldn't stay away from her. If he would just be able to tell her all of this, without her running away terrified, or without HIM backing away.
Harm sighed, knocking on her door.
Now, that was really strange. He had seen her in the window, he would have recognised her anywhere, and he could hear music, playing softly on the other side of the door. Yet, Mac wasn't answering. He knocked again and again, calling out her name, getting tenser by the minute. Still, there was no answer.
He thanked God that he had a spare key, fishing in his pockets to find it and letting himself in the apartment as fast as he could.
He was not ready for the sight that greeted him.
Mac was standing next to the window, where he saw her from the street, her face wet with tears, fresh ones falling from her eyelashes and joining the old ones down her cheeks. She was crying without making any sound.
But the thing that startled him the most was that she was smiling.
Under all those tears, she was smiling the most radiant smile he'd ever seen on her. She didn't see him, she wasn't looking at anything, her gaze lost in space, she didn't even noticed his presence. "So much for the kick- ass jar-head, always vigilant", if he would have been able to formulate such a thought. Instead, she had him completely mesmerised: her face was glowing with such a glorious light shining from her eyes, such happiness and fulfilment as he had ever seen. He wasn't moving a muscle, terrified to break the spell she cast over them both.
God, if she had him wrapped around her little finger before, how would he ever be able to walk away from her after this?
He stayed there still, watching her, for what felt like hours. Mac would have been able to tell him for how long in terms of seconds. Then, in the back of his mind, he started to notice that the music in the background was always the same and he began to register the words, the soft mantra playing in his head:
"Come to me. come to me. come to me"
"When your soul is tired and your heart is weak,
Do you think of love as a one-way street?
Well, it runs both ways. Open up your eyes.
Can't you see me here? How can you deny?"
As if obeying to the song, Mac broke out of her reverie to find him standing in front of her, pure love watching back at her in his blue eyes, no doubts, no questions. Suddenly, it was simply a fact. She knew it, she couldn't deny it any longer and she could see that he couldn't deny it either.
"It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And the silence falls between us,
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it,
Wherever it may lead,
Let your private emotion come to me.
Come to me. come to me. come to me."
As the chorus kept repeating, "Come to me", Harm simply opened his arms for her and she stepped into them.
Pulling her in his embrace, feeling her soft body against his, finding the sweetness of her lips with his, he realised that, maybe, he wouldn't have to worry about finding the right words or about any of them running away this time.
The words came straight out of his mouth, as soon as he released hers, coming up for air.
"I love you, Sarah. Come to me."
The End
Author: Benedetta (feedback is highly appreciated, good or bad, as long as it is polite and constructive)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own Mac & Harm. If I did, we would have had a wedding by now and much much less fuckwittage. Unfortunately, I don't own Ricky Martin either (ojalà!). His song, "Private Emotion", performed with Meja, belongs to Sony Music Entertainment (1999), I just like to play it on my stereo.
Spoilers: Everything up to beginning Season 8, Critical Condition. Quotes from Adrift II (S7).
Summary: Song-fiction. A song helps Mac understand (nothing more or I'll spoil it!).
Author's notes: Hope it's not too bad, "be gentle". Thanks heaps to Tammy for the betaing and to Jag Archive and Dress Whites, as references!
Come to me
Mac was sitting on the couch in her leaving room, staring straight in front of her, not really seeing anything. A CD was playing softly in the background, but she wasn't really paying any attention to it. It was the first afternoon she had got all for herself: after Afghanistan, after the dirty nuke on the Seahawk, after Bud.
Bud.
He was doing well, apparently, facing rehab with a determination most people wouldn't think he possessed. Yet, she was not most people. Bud was such a gentle, a caring and sweet individual, a "family man", as Singer defined him once, her voice full of contempt. His big honest blue eyes often deceived people and made them think he was not the sharpest tool in the shed, but, again, she knew better than that.
She knew he was a skilled lawyer, a reliable friend, and an outstanding officer. She knew how brave he could be, maybe not chasing dirty nukes as Harm, not that kind of bravery, but facing life and its slaps, from his father's abuses to the death of Baby Sarah, never letting his demons haunt him down.
Bud and Harriet were now facing this, together as they always did, not letting it beat them. The bond they shared was such a beautiful thing to witness, so rare and amazing.
Mac couldn't help but feel jealousy towards them, even in this tragedy. Would she ever be able to share a bond like that with someone? Would she ever be able to have someone, who stood by her in the face of anything?
"Harm". The answer came to her mind right away. "Harm", she thought with relief. She had Harm... or did she?
They were closer now that they had been in the past year or so, slowly getting back the relationship they had before he went back to flying. The teasing was back, the bantering, but also the part about leaning onto each other to get through the tough times.
He had been her rock during the whole Bud thing and it had been such an amazing surprise to see him lean onto her as well. The jet-jock flyboy, the hero always keeping up a brave front, the man terrified to show his emotions had let himself cry helplessly in front of her, had almost cried helplessly in her arms. He let her comfort him, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, as if she hadn't been doing any different all her life.
It felt so natural, so right. Yet, it was a whole new feeling.
She could remember herself crying in his arms, when she left JAG, and doing the same thing, when he was the one leaving. She could remember herself attacking him, when Dalton died and she got drunk, she could remember herself knocking on his door before Chris died, just to find out that he didn't have time for her.
It had always been her. She was the one in need, the one crying, getting drunk, asking for help. She was the one offering her heart on the palm of her hand, on a ferry in Sydney Harbour, in front of a smashing Opera House, under a bridge where they wrote Eternity on New Year's Eve.
Harm, on the other hand, .
Harm, "so righteous, so pure", was the one always in control, the one who never showed any emotion, the one who never let his feelings manipulate him. Yes, there were his father and Russia, but, even then, he didn't ask for her help. She volunteered.
Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., the man one who would never "let go".
It had always been a one-way street.
Suddenly, Mac took notice of the music in the background, Ricky Martin's soft bedroom voice repeating over and over again, like a mantra:
"Come to me. come to me. come to me"
Mac started crying, she couldn't help herself. She cried silently, without sobs, shining streams of tears flowing freely on her cheeks, as another memory surfaced. The night Mic walked out of her life for good.
"Come to me"
"Why?"
"So we can talk"
"We already talked"
"Don't argue with me"
"I need a better reason"
"You know the reason. Mac?"
"I'm here"
"I'm waiting"
But, then, he was not. He had Renee to take care off. Not that she blamed him for it. She understood: he had a commitment to Renee, he had feelings for her, even if they didn't involve love, and she needed him.
Her mind understood, but understanding didn't make her heart hurt any less. Standing in the rain, watching Renee finding support in him, watching Renee staying right where her whole being ached to be, in his arms, hurt so much. Renee needed him, but so did she. She could still feel the pain, the weight on her chest, the difficulty to breathe, the rain washing over her in the night.
Then, she registered the words of the song again:
"Every endless night has a dawning day,
Every darkest sky has its shining ray
And it shines on you
Baby, can't you see,
You're the only one who can shine for me.
It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And the silence falls between us,
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it,
Wherever it may lead,
Let your private emotion come to me.
Come to me. come to me. come to me."
Maybe, there had really been a "dawning day" for their relationship.
Maybe, in the "darkest sky" of Bud's tragedy, Harm and her had truly found a "shining ray". Harmon Rabb, Jr., the one man who would never "let go", the man who never shared his feelings with anyone, had let himself cry in front of her, had sought her comfort.
Harm had sought HER.
"When your soul is tired and your heart is weak,
Do you think of love as a one-way street?
Well, it runs both ways. Open up your eyes.
Can't you see me here? How can you deny?"
Mac hit the repeat button of the stereo, letting the music wash over her, letting the words play again and again in her ears. She couldn't stop crying, she actually didn't even bother trying, as she let all the tension of the past few weeks release, the tears taking away all the pain and the stress.
A new understanding dawned on her, as she realised what exactly had happened that night on the Seahawk, in front of a sickbay.
Harmon Rabb had let go.
"Every endless night has a dawning day,
Every darkest sky has its shining ray
It takes a lot to lught,
As your tears go by,
But you can find me here till your tears run dry."
There was not a precise reason why Harm was climbing the front steps of Mac's house.
It was the first afternoon he had for himself since they came back from Afghanistan, after taking care of Bud, after watching carefully over Harriet and AJ, and after filing never-ending reports. The first chance to regroup and take care of the thousand things that needed to be taken care of, including Sergei and his visa.
However, he was not doing any of this, he was climbing the stairs to his partner's place, having already seen her familiar silhouette in the window. They had rarely had a moment apart in the past few weeks and he didn't complain. On the contrary, Harm found that he couldn't stay away from her. He missed having Mac around all the time.
To be brutally honest, he missed HER, period.
He had been missing her for so long now.
Since the kiss on the Admiral's porch, since the night he asked her to come to him, only to find Fate once again in the way of their relationship. He had been missing her since when he hadn't been able to reply straightaway to her question on the Guadalcanal, since the Jag-a-thon, when he wanted to beg her for a new beginning and had thanked God that she offered one.
It had been a familiar feeling, missing her, an emotion he was almost use to living with.
Almost.
All the things that happened in Afghanistan, the landmine, the friendly fire in the desert, the dirty nuke, and, most of all, Bud's accident, made him realise just how much he needed her, just how he couldn't even breathe without her. When he let himself cry with her after the doctor told them that Bud made it, he knew that he had finally conquered all his demons.
Again, he had to see her. He couldn't stay away from her. If he would just be able to tell her all of this, without her running away terrified, or without HIM backing away.
Harm sighed, knocking on her door.
Now, that was really strange. He had seen her in the window, he would have recognised her anywhere, and he could hear music, playing softly on the other side of the door. Yet, Mac wasn't answering. He knocked again and again, calling out her name, getting tenser by the minute. Still, there was no answer.
He thanked God that he had a spare key, fishing in his pockets to find it and letting himself in the apartment as fast as he could.
He was not ready for the sight that greeted him.
Mac was standing next to the window, where he saw her from the street, her face wet with tears, fresh ones falling from her eyelashes and joining the old ones down her cheeks. She was crying without making any sound.
But the thing that startled him the most was that she was smiling.
Under all those tears, she was smiling the most radiant smile he'd ever seen on her. She didn't see him, she wasn't looking at anything, her gaze lost in space, she didn't even noticed his presence. "So much for the kick- ass jar-head, always vigilant", if he would have been able to formulate such a thought. Instead, she had him completely mesmerised: her face was glowing with such a glorious light shining from her eyes, such happiness and fulfilment as he had ever seen. He wasn't moving a muscle, terrified to break the spell she cast over them both.
God, if she had him wrapped around her little finger before, how would he ever be able to walk away from her after this?
He stayed there still, watching her, for what felt like hours. Mac would have been able to tell him for how long in terms of seconds. Then, in the back of his mind, he started to notice that the music in the background was always the same and he began to register the words, the soft mantra playing in his head:
"Come to me. come to me. come to me"
"When your soul is tired and your heart is weak,
Do you think of love as a one-way street?
Well, it runs both ways. Open up your eyes.
Can't you see me here? How can you deny?"
As if obeying to the song, Mac broke out of her reverie to find him standing in front of her, pure love watching back at her in his blue eyes, no doubts, no questions. Suddenly, it was simply a fact. She knew it, she couldn't deny it any longer and she could see that he couldn't deny it either.
"It's a private emotion that fills you tonight
And the silence falls between us,
As the shadows steal the light
And wherever you may find it,
Wherever it may lead,
Let your private emotion come to me.
Come to me. come to me. come to me."
As the chorus kept repeating, "Come to me", Harm simply opened his arms for her and she stepped into them.
Pulling her in his embrace, feeling her soft body against his, finding the sweetness of her lips with his, he realised that, maybe, he wouldn't have to worry about finding the right words or about any of them running away this time.
The words came straight out of his mouth, as soon as he released hers, coming up for air.
"I love you, Sarah. Come to me."
The End