Jill the Giant S/Layer
Authors note: Basically this is a silly spoof I came up with that plays off of one of my favourite fairy tales. It was so very heavily inspired by the movie Jack and the Beanstalk: The Real Story (2001) but all the characters are from the original fairy tales (thus why it's here). I play into a few other stories in this but eventually it will settle into a GT fetish fic (surprise surprise). You have been warned.
---*---
I can't take it anymore. Why couldn't he just be honest for once in his poor, useless life? Jack was such a prick. And now that the matter was being dragged out further, the chances of bullshitting his obnoxious ass out of the situation became way too high for my patience to handle.
First there was the candlestick fiasco, followed closely by that pumpkin lantern nonsense. For whatever reason, no one else could see that he's just a little pyro freak that wasn't beaten enough as a child to know any better when an adult body grew around that infantile mind. I was in an especially foul this time around became I ended up tumbling after the moron. Sighing, I moved away from the crowd with a slight limp that I wouldn't have if it weren't for him turning a simple chore of getting water from the well into his next outrageous disaster.
I almost made it through the front door before hearing my name spoken in a melodious tenure. Instinctively I turned around, promptly wanting to kick myself for the reflex because I already knew who it would be.
"You should have stayed, my darling Jill. You missed the best part!" His eyes lit up while that insufferably charming face eased into the cocksure grin he used to win everyone else over. He wore a bandage around his crown like a badge of honor rather than proof of his uselessness. "When I saved my beautiful damsel in distress from bandits while risking a fate possibly worse than death!" He followed that up with a wink. I could only respond with a raised brow. I learned long ago that body language was the only form of communication he seemed competent in. He had this mind boggling talent to flip my words around so no matter what I said, it always sounded like I somehow agreed. Though recently he began ignoring my blatant hints, content to chat me into submission no matter how tetchily I stood.
Before he continued lying to the one other person who actually saw what happened, I finally interjected. "Oh Really? Because that doesn't sound like anything I recall." Crossing my arms, I watched his face fall slightly before regrouping into his next monologue of how he understands that my memories may have become distorted after my little tumbling down the hill earlier. Once again word and my body fail to deter so I instead enact my brilliant escape.
"There are only two of us here, so I don't know who the hell you think you're lying to!" Slamming the door in his face, I grinned at the yelp of surprise that arose from the other side of my wooden savior. Sure that was crude, but one can't argue with the results. My mood just started to improve before it plummeted once again as I tried to head towards the kitchen, stumbling over my still weak ankle. Grumbling, I continued on my way, cursing the bastard that was probably still loitering outside my home.
---*---
How useless can one person possibly be? What would have been yet another day of Jack and his tedious antics instead turned into the best verbal thrashing I had witnessed in a long time. Finally, the proper reaction to his failure. Listening to the shrill of his frustrated mother's voice brought a barely concealable smile to my face. This was absolutely priceless! It takes a very special kind of idiot to sell a cow that was at least worth its weight in meat for next to nothing. Magic beans? Ha!
"But ma-" He was cut off by what could have been a banshee's wail. The stout women seemed to tower over Jack's cowering form as he relentlessly tried to convince her of how this situation wasn't as bad as it seemed. Sweet silence feel over the pair as the beans were smacked out of Jack's hand. Observing where they landed, I made a mental note to come back and retrieve them as a memento for this beautiful moment. After all, they were apparently worth at least a cow. Snickering, I continued to make silent jokes about the situation to myself as I weeded through my pitiful excuse for a garden.
Meanwhile both parties abruptly turned and stormed off in different directions, leaving me free to finally laugh myself to the ground. When the coast was still clear and my giggle fit complete I climbed over the fence separating our properties. Though once on the side I was only able to find one of the beans where I was sure they had all fallen.
---*---
This was truly a week of unpleasant surprises. I really should have known yesterday was too good to be true. Grimacing, I shifted my weight as I stared at an enormous plant which had spouted from the yard next door. It was stretching far into an ominous looking cloud that the wind appeared to have no effect on. The brilliant green of the stalk, along with the sheer size of several pods hanging from it left me quite distracted. When I was finally able to pull my eyes away from the impossible bean plant my sight was instead assaulted by the grinning moron himself.
"Impressive, I know." Jack moved in closer to me as his gloating continued. "Care to join me as I seek out the finest treasures above earth?" He lazily rested against the barrier separating us, practically humping the poor old fence.
I caught his hand before he could snake it around my shoulders, quickly diverting it away from me before it got too comfortable in my grasp. "Why can't you ever take a hint?" Jack lifted that same hand to his ear, tracing the line of his jaw before resting a finger on that cleft chin. The look on his face was welcoming while dripping with arrogance. Sighing in exasperation I moved to leave but he quickly leaned over the wall and grabbed a hold of my arm. He then had the audacity to pull me back towards him. Turning, I eyed him menacingly as a warning, giving him the option of taking back this particularly dangerous action. Instead, he opened his mouth.
"My love, this is the adventure of a lifetime! Not just another scheme to listen to Old King Cole's three fiddlers or stealing the silver bells and cockleshells from Mary's garden. This would be climbing into the very sky above!" As he spoke, his baby blue eyes lit up with excitement. Looking into how depthless they were was becoming almost painful. "Imagine if we were to find heaven, though if you come along with me I'm sure we wouldn't have to look very hard." His pretty boy antics only incited disgust as I bent and twisted my arm to easily break his grip.
"You are an insufferable waste of time and I look forward to being rid of your nonsense after you surely plummet to your death on this new fool's errand." He still smiled at me, though the more charm he tried to spread across that face the worse those chiseled features appeared to me. How any women could coo over that remained beyond my comprehension.
"Wait for me then. I shall hurry back with a treasure that will surely win you over." He rushed off to the monstrous plant, pausing briefly to sling a pack over his shoulder before beginning the climb. His mother was there to wave him off, throwing me a death glare in-between shouts of encouragement and praise. All the while she started opening a bean pod large enough to feed an entire family for a day. Immaturely, I stuck my tongue out at the women who spawned the bane of my existence. She should have been happy at my rejection to her son's persistent advances. I live with neither a family nor wealth to speak of. A marriage with me would be even less then unhelpful to their already poor circumstances.
Opening my hand as I walked away from the bizarre scene I glanced down at the stolen, and authentically magical, bean. Maybe I should plant it on my property. See how they feel about the eyesore when it's no longer unique. Dropping it back into my pocket, I readied for bed while hoping that when I awoke there would be no sign of that unbearable boy for quite some time.