Author's Note: My first Mass Effect fanfiction. I stuck with the default femShepard name because it's (somewhat) easier to connect with. Plus, my character's name is silly, completely wrong for the tone of the story. You'll notice I try not to use 'Jane' too much, and that is because I do not like the name very much, and because I want you, the reader, to have your own character in mind. Still, some standards must be set. Jane Shepard is female, a paragon, spacer and sole survivor. You should be able to deduce as much in the story, but I wanted to avoid confusion.

EDIT! It's not terribly big, but I just made the discovery in-game that you actually have the chance to talk to Shepard's mother, if you're a spacer. Judging from the conversation, and what you learn about her beforehand, it's fairly obvious that neither of Shepard's parents were engineers, as I had guessed. (You don't find out anything about the father, so I'm thinking that maybe Shepard is the result of a brief fling. But I'll probably be proven wrong about that, too.) So I changed that paragraph. Oddly enough, the revelation gave me a whole new angle for Shepard that will be coming up in subsequent chapters.

Commander Jane Shepard was exhausted.

Standing in the decontamination chamber yet again, after slogging through the muck on another planet, searching for a sign of the Reapers that had turned out to be another dead end...well. Needless to say, she desperately wanted a hot shower, and a soft bed.

And possibly a warm body, too.

A certain male body that happened to be standing behind her, looking as tired as she was.

Kaiden caught her glance, and gave her a brief smile. Garrus, standing beside him, pointedly ignored the interaction.

There was a beep as the decontamination was completed, and Shepard immediately headed for her quarters, her mind wandering.

Kaiden Alenko. Even now, after Ilos, after the Citadel, she wasn't sure what to think of him. He was a subordinate, a trusted teammate, an extraordinary soldier and a biotic. They went into battle side-by-side, trusting each other with their lives. And yet...the way he made her feel, as though she was on the point of collapse, or nearly flying, scared her more than any mission.

There had been other men, of course. But she had never gone as far with them as she had with Kaiden. It was a risk, loving a soldier. They fought. Most often, they died. She had had someone special in her unit, once. He was nice, likable. They flirted a lot. But then they were sent to Akuze, and Shepard was alone again. Before coming to the Normandy, she had wanted to keep it that way.

It wasn't impossible to love someone in the military. Her own parents were Alliance, and had raised her on various spaceships. They were both low-ranking officers, rarely participating in anything beyond routine patrols and survey missions. Even then, they had found it hard to stay together. Often they were assigned to seperate ships and missions, shuttling Jane back and forth between them. The time her parents spent together was brief and strained. In comparison, her own situation was so different, and so difficult.

Secure in her room, Shepard immediately discarded her guns, carefully placing them in her locker, her body armor following suit. Then she stripped completely and stepped into the shower stall.

Ah, now this was heaven. The muck that had been caked onto her hair and skin began to slide off. Shepard closed her eyes, letting her tense muscles relax under the hot water.

She hadn't felt this good since...that night with Kaiden.

Her eyes snapped open, and she groaned. This was getting ridiculous! She couldn't even shower without thinking about him.

Not that that was necessarily a bad thing, at times.

Again she caught herself, remembering Akuze, and all the times before. Even now, she had a job to do. There was no way that she could go that far again. No way.

But Kaiden was a soldier as well, and a talented one. He knew the risks, and cared about them as much as she did. But he was still effective in battle, focused on the mission, and not her. She was sure he wouldn't let a relationship affect his judgment.

Unlike you. Her guilty conscience whispered. When it was a choice between Kaiden and Ashley, who did you choose?

That was different. Ashley made the right choice, for the success of the mission, and Shepard had honored it. If she had deactivated the nuke, victory would have been next to impossible, and the Salarians would have died as well.

Still lying to yourself? Admit it. You wanted a lover, not a friend. Ashley was a good soldier, and you sold her out. You killed her for one night with Kaiden. Was it worth it? Was it?

"Commander Shepard?"

She jumped, startled by Joker's voice over the comm.

"Yes?"

"Councilman Anderson wants to speak with you."

This could not be good. Anderson was understanding of her position, and a very capable leader. But if this conversation was anything like the last one, she didn't want to have it. Still...

"Tell him I'll be in the comm room in ten minutes. I'll want a debriefing with my crew afterward."

"Understood, Commander."

Sighing, Shepard stepped out of the shower, the water automatically shutting off behind her.

She was not alone.

"Alenko!" Shepard said, nearly jumping back into the shower. "What are you doing here?"

Once again, I am naked, in my room, and alone with Kaiden Alenko.

Easy, girl. Stand your ground. It's not like this is the first time he's seen you naked.

Kaiden had the decency to flush, but he did not look away.

"Sorry, Commander. I, uh..." His gaze flicked down, then back up. "I wanted to talk to you. About us."

Nonononono! Not now, please not now!

"You might have to wait until after the debriefing," she said, moving to put on her clothes. "I'm due to speak to Anderson in ten minutes."

She moved to slide on her shirt, but Kaiden reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Shepard...Jane. Please."

Goosebumps rose on her flesh; it was the first time he'd ever used her first name.

"Kaiden..." They were inches apart, his hand moving up her arm to her neck, cradling her head.

"You've never run before," he whispered, his voice rough. "And you didn't run that night. Why now? What's changed?"

She shivered. "Everything."

"How? Tell me why you've been avoiding me for weeks. Why I had to sneak into your room to talk with you. Why you look away when I enter a room. Did you love me out of pity?"

"No."

"Did you love me because you thought we were going to die?"

"No."

He gripped her harder, held her closer. Their foreheads touched, their lips separated by the lengths of their noses.

"Just tell me, Jane." His voice cracked; he sounded on the verge of tears. "I have to know why."

She swallowed. "I'm scared. Scared for you. Before Ilos, I thought that Saren was the key. If he went down, if his plan failed, then we would be safe forever. I was wrong. After what Vigil told us, about the Reapers, and how they came, I knew it wouldn't be over. You know it, too. Everyone in the galaxy will be fighting for their lives, and I plan to be on the front line.

"That night, you said that you didn't want anything to happen to me. The feeling is absolutely mutual. If you died, I..."

Kaiden's other arm went around her waist, and he leaned in closer. "Shepard--"

She broke away, turning her back on him and sliding on her clothes. "I have to go," she said.

He did not move as she went to the door. She paused, and turned.

"You're right. I've been pushing you away. But I don't want to do that anymore. So...come back here. After the debriefing."

The lieutenant looked up, and smiled. "I'll be here."

This time, Jane Shepard smiled in return before she walked out the door.

Final Author's Note: Sorry, I just couldn't resist Kaiden/Shepard fluff at the end, there. The next chapter, already in progress, is much more intense and will begin the major arc of the story.

Just a warning, now. As my previous readers know, my updates can be slow and erratic, at best. Please, bear with me. College can be tough and time-consuming. A job can be doubly so. Alas, both are necessary.