A/N: So this is a slightly soppy version of what I want to happen, but it probably never will. The song is "Bunker (Solid Ground)" by The View.
Sarah x
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
My milk turned sour when left on the bunker for days
Jonny sat at his kitchen table, wondering about what had happened. Jac had disappeared, presumably to Japan. Mo was asking questions he didn't want to answer. Even Ollie wanted to know what the hell had happened.
He was starting to feel like this had sat unresolved too long. It was tiring trying to process why she did what she did. Why she went home and slept with Sean rather than simply let him know exactly how she felt about Joseph – had he known the extent of her feelings for the man, he would have been more understanding.
He groaned and went to make coffee to keep him awake. Falling asleep at midday when he had work in two hours was not a wise idea. Pouring the water into the cup, he ran his fingers back through his hair and asked himself when his life became such a mess. Despite what she did, he still missed her terribly.
He picked up the milk but when he opened the carton, he had to resist the urge to throw up. "Ugh, manky!" he said to himself. He'd left it sitting too long, just like he'd done with this.
I know that you're about to hit the 22
That's old enough to know who's coming on to you
You're complacent with strangers
And everyone that falls by the way
I see your tangerines are fading into black
You'd rather lie out front with him and leave me in the back
But you're still Rosie from door 6
And tainted smiles, they get me every time
It wasn't like she was young and naïve; she was thirty-eight years old, and more than wise to the world. She ought to have known where it was going with Sean before she ended up sleeping with him. She should have remembered she had him, and talked to him rather than run to Sean. That was what angered him.
She didn't think. She just did. And then felt bad later. That was the only thing stopping Jonny from truly hating her – she was obviously guilt-ridden over it. She obviously did feel some remorse for what she did, and let it show, which was a step up from what normally came from her. She'd tried to tell him she could be all he wanted. After all, why would she claim that if she didn't want to rescue what was left of them?
He found it hard to forgive her for turning to Sean rather than him, but he had to admit to himself that telling her to get over herself might not have been the wisest thing he could have said. He had to face the very real possibility he may have made her feel like she couldn't discuss it openly with him.
But she was still Jac. And Jac was what he was missing. He was missing the sarcasm and the quick remarks, someone to bounce banter off. A woman whose smile was never pure, usually coloured with mocking amusement or guarded wit.
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
My milk turned sour when left on the bunker for days
Actually, he was starting to believe that, if he could keep level-headed enough for the both of them, maybe, just maybe...no. No, that was a bad idea. This was the second time it had fallen to pieces, and this time, he couldn't cave in to her. She'd tried to protect herself; now it was his turn.
He couldn't help missing her. He couldn't help loving her regardless. He couldn't help but try and dig deep to find some forgiveness for her.
Not many days ago you learned to turn the rope
The rope that now is saving you from learning how to cope
So cut it in half and use each side
To lasso up the ones you love the most
Should I oil you up, or shake you down?
Pick you up and squeeze you out
Of this little black hole
You fallen into time and time again?
It had been less than a week since she so graciously buggered off to Japan, conveniently accepting Hanssen's offer of a placement opportunity. So typical of Jac – run away from what she'd done, leaving everyone else at boiling point. Come back a few weeks later and pray that everyone had calmed down and things would be easy. Not this time.
He'd heard warnings that she had an unfortunate habit of torturing those she loved the most almost as much as she tortured herself. He'd heard about everything with Joseph and Faye, how she had done everything from sleeping with his dad to almost getting killed following Faye to pretending she was pregnant to split them up. He did understand now why she reacted so badly to the news of Joseph's impending marriage, but it didn't justify her stupidity.
He put his head in his hands. What the hell was he meant to do? He couldn't leave it the way he did that night. He kept seeing her eyes as he told her he couldn't do it, and remembering the regret in them.
Sometimes he didn't know whether to give her kind words, or whether give her a good shouting at. She seemed to fall quite easily into her own little secret hell, and sometimes he thought that she needed a good shock to remind her it wasn't all about her.
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
My milk turned sour when left on the bunker for days
He went to his land line phone and toyed with the idea. The massive phone bill didn't bother him; not knowing what to say did. What if she just steam-rolled right over him? He didn't want to let her off scot-free. He wanted her to realise the full extent of how she'd hurt him, if she didn't already.
He had to trust himself to stand his ground if he was going to do this. The thing was, the longer he left it, the harder it was going to be. He dialled her number, waiting for her to answer.
"Jonny? What's wrong? Is everything OK?"
"Everything's fine," he assured her. "Well, Tara's flat got a wee bit trashed after an accidental party, and there was some idiot student doctor got drunk at the party nearly aspirated on his own vomit in her bath, and I think Michael Spence is baiting his F1, and I'm pretty sure Hanssen and his new sidekick are driving each other mental, but same old same old," he joked, unable to resist filling her in on the goings on back home.
"So business as usual then?" she replied, and he could hear the smirk in her voice as she avoided the elephant on the phone line.
"Yep. Listen, Jac," he began.
"Oh, did Elliot get the email I sent him?" she added.
Stop talking on the phone when the cable's round my neck
Your logic's running out, on the moves that you've found
Get your heart above my strings, you silly little thing
Your tired mind is wasted on my time
"Hasn't said anything to me," he dismissed. "Will you just shut up and listen to me?" he demanded, immediately feeling like strangled by the phone wire. Why, why the hell was he doing this to himself. He finally found some words to help him out. "You do know you're an idiot, right?" he asked.
He heard her swallow her pride, quite literally, and answer, "Yes, I do."
He was rather surprised that she'd admitted to being stupid. Mind you, whether she admitted it was wrong was another matter entirely. "Just tell me something," he began. "What the hell was going though your head?"
He could hear her soft breath as she considered what to say. "I don't know," she finally groaned. "I don't know why I did it. It was stupid, and I regret it. Maybe I just wanted to blow it all up before someone else did," she confessed.
"Where is the logic, Jac?!"
"I don't know!" she snapped. He heard the hurt and the rare vulnerability in her tone as she shouted down the phone line at him. "I'm so used to people hurting me that I hurt them first so they don't get a chance!" she admitted.
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
The milk turns sour when left on the bunker for days
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
The milk turns sour when left on the bunker for daysI'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
The milk turns sour when left on the bunker for days
"Would you do it again?" he asked her. "I've heard the story of Joseph's dad and all that, but would you do that to me again?"
"What are you on about? Why does it matter?!"
"Just answer the question," he sighed.
"No," she replied. Jonny breathed out slowly, wondering whether to believe her. That night, she had been genuinely upset, so she did care what happened between them. She did care about him, and he knew that one bout of stupidity didn't change that. Same would be be true if he ever did that.
"What you said, about wanting to have a normal life – my version of normal – did you mean that?"
She said nothing for a little while, and he knew she was thinking it over in her head, trying to work out if she really could do that. "Yes," he heard her say. "Jonny, what is this all about? I pushed the button, remember? I pushed the destruct button and blew it out the water."
"If I said I'd give it one last chance-"
"I'd jump at it. It'd be a new start. Solid ground," she immediately said. He heard the smile and the hope in her voice now, and he knew she wasn't going to do it again. She'd learned one too many of these lessons, and he honestly believed said lesson had finally sunk in.
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
I'll stay with you 'cause I know how
To keep my feet on solid ground
You know I'm gonna keep my feet
You know the milk turned sour when left on the bunker for days
"Well, then," he smiled gently. "I'll see you when you get back."
"Yeah, see you when I get home," she replied. "I've got to get some sleep. Presentation first thing tomorrow." She sounded tired even though he'd probably just lifted her spirits infinitely.
Of course. Nine hour time difference. He'd almost forgotten. "Night night, Jac," he said.
"'Night, Jonny."
Hope this is OK!
Please feel free to leave a review and tell me what you think!
Sarah x