Kerry sat in the doctor's lounge, enjoying the quiet. She loved the thrill and rush of an ER running smoothly, caring for patients and never knowing what would come through the door next, but recently her nerves hadn't been up to those double shifts, those long nights of trauma after trauma. Not since Sandy.
Kerry thought she had finally found the one. The one woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, to raise a family with. For so many years she had been confined by her worries about her sexuality, her terror at trying to form relationships in this new world she discovered she was a part of. But once she found Sandy…she knew she'd made it. That she'd found the one. She was still nervous, of course. I mean, a fire fighter? Kerry had never thought Sandy would even be her type! But they'd made it. They'd had Henry, and they had their family. Forever.
Or so they'd thought. From the moment she'd had to brutally force that plastic tube down her soul mate's throat, she knew things were never going to be the same again. As she watched Sandy die in front of her, she knew her dream had been shattered. Kerry had begun to feel like a real person, someone who could form relationships and friendships with the people she worked with. She'd learnt how to love a partner, how to love and child…and from being able to open her guarded heart she learnt it was possible to love her friends. She learnt that she actually had friends…that underneath her colleagues cared deeply about her. But now…what was she to do now? She felt lost, alone, abandoned.
Kerry heaved a shaky sigh just as she heard the door to the lounge open. She tensed…the idea of the staff seeing her so vulnerable made the emotional barriers go up. On looking up and seeing it was Abby, however, she relaxed. Abby knew about her. Abby had been there when she couldn't keep all the pain and rage in any more, when she'd had to collapse finally. She'd been there as Kerry had to give her son to the family of the woman she'd loved and lost, not knowing if she'd ever get to keep him again. Yes, Abby knew what Kerry had been through.
'Hey Dr. Weaver.' Abby said quietly as she walked slowly over to the coffee pot. She looked exhausted as well – Kerry knew Abby had been pulling doubles.
'Hello Abby. How much longer are you on for?'
'Another four hours then it's home. I cannot wait to crash in front of the TV with a takeout.'
Kerry smiled. 'Yea I'm heading off in a minute myself. I have to pick up Henry from the child carer's before 6 or I have to pay extra.' Kerry seemed in no hurry to leave, however. It wasn't often she got to spend quality time with the people she cared about any more, so she wasn't going to let this moment go to waste.
Abby poured herself a cup of coffee and turned round. Kerry was sitting looking at the floor. She seemed so sad. It broke Abby's heart to see her like this, especially seeing how elated she'd been when her son was born. That was something that Abby felt gave her and Kerry a stronger bond than most. Having someone at your son's birth gave them a special place in your life, Abby thought. And she knew how grateful Kerry had been for the care and affection Abby had shown her son in the first few days after his birth. She sat down on the other end of the battered couch.
'How are you Dr. Weaver…Kerry?' Abby wasn't one for emotive scenes, but she knew when she cared about someone and she knew how that made her feel.
'It's been a difficult time', Kerry replied without looking up. 'I love having Henry around. I love him more than life itself. But I look into his beautiful eyes and it's almost as though I can see Sandy staring back at me again.' The thought in her mind made her heart drop like a stone. Nothing, absolutely nothing would ever take away that immense hollow hole that Sandy had left in her life.
'Is there anything I can do?' Abby asked. She felt this was a stupid question as soon as it came out of her mouth, but she could think of nothing else to say. Even all this time after the accident it was still so raw for Kerry. Kerry looked up at her for the first time since she had walked into the room. The look of concern in Abby's eyes made Kerry feel like there was still someone out there who cared for her. Still someone who was concerned for her well-being.
'I never knew my mother'. Kerry said. 'I was so determined that Henry was going to grow up knowing he had two parents who loved him. Yes, we weren't a conventional family. But we loved him so much…I was so determined of that…' Her voice trailed off.
'Kerry', Abby began, 'Sandy loved Henry so much. She always will love him. And he knows that now. It's up to you to make sure he'll know that for the rest of his life. He will always have two parents who love him. Forever.' Kerry sat back, comforted a little by this thought.
'I never knew what it was like to have a mother who looked after me, Kerry.' Abby said, then stopped. It wasn't the time or the place to bring up her family problems, she thought to herself. However Kerry turned to face her, and looked at her as if to tell her she wanted her to carry on.
'I had to look after my mum when I was growing up', Abby continued. 'She was sick, I knew that. But I still resented her for it. Plus I had my brother. I know they love me, and I love them too, but while I was caring for them…well that didn't seem a priority. We never showed each other we cared. There was so much resentment flying around…it just never happened.' Abby looked over to Kerry, who was looking at her silently with a caring look in her eyes. Abby had missed this Kerry, the one she could relate to as a friend and confidant, rather than as a work associate.
'Kerry, I've spent my whole like unable to express to my family how I feel about them. You and Sandy showed Henry so much love together, and I know you'll continue to do that as he grows up. You are a fantastic mother, Kerry. I…' Abby wanted to continue, but her introverted mind told her not to. Just this once, however, Abby chose to ignore it. She might never have a chance or the courage to say this again. 'Kerry, I would have loved to have had a mother like you.'
The two women sat on the couch together. Both so similar in their inability to express themselves, but both with the amazing capacity to do so. As Abby spoke her final words, Kerry felt a wave of gratitude and affection wash over her. Abby didn't show how she felt about people. But Kerry didn't need her to. She knew how vulnerable Abby had made herself by saying that to Kerry, so Kerry decided she could make herself vulnerable too, just for a minute. She looked at Abby, who was shyly looking down. And she moved over, and silently put her arms around her. Abby responded, holding Kerry, her friend. The two women sat together holding each other, both seeking and receiving the comfort they needed. As Kerry let go, she gave a warm smile. Abby smiled back, a smile that came from the heart. She got up to go. As she walked past Kerry to go out the door, she squeezed her shoulder.
'Have a wonderful evening Dr. Weaver, give Henry a kiss for me.'