Are we human? Or are we dancer? Or are we both? Welcome to Nightvale.

-theme music-

Listeners, on my way to the station this morning, I found a strange man on a swing suspiciously close to the dog park that we are not supposed to know about. "Why are you sitting so close to the Dog Park?" I asked him. He shrugged. "What Dog Park?" This man apparently followed the City Council's rules in not knowing what the dog park that we are not supposed to know about is. To learn how he did this, I invited him to the studio. As he stood up, I noticed his strange attire. This man was wearing a blazer and a bowtie, which he informed me was "cool". He is in the studio right now, trying to force a fez onto my head. He looks human, but it is painstakingly obvious he has, in fact, two hearts. More on this story as it develops.

The City Council would like to remind all citizens that curfew has now been pushed to eleven in the morning. This is a previous change from the former curfew, which was one in the afternoon. When asked about what led to the change, the City Council emitted a guttural screech that burned the eyes out of all the internet bloggers in the room. After that, the Council disappeared into a golden light. Remember, if you are caught after curfew, the secret police will shoot you with a blow dart and take you in for re-education.

The mayor would like to let all of you know that she CAN hear you whispering, and that whispering is highly frowned upon by the sheriff's police. Yes, YOU. IN THE BACK. She can hear you. All whisperers will be reported to the Sherriff's Secret Police. In addition, she would like me to remind you that when you are speaking, speak in a loud manner with many gestures.

Listeners, remember the strange man I was talking about? He's taken to muttering about how things are very very bad in this little, little town. I asked him what he meant, but he just adjusted his bowtie and resumed pacing.

He told me during the break that his name was the Doctor, and that he indeed had two hearts. He then proceeded to point a green light into my face.

It's that time of year again! Next week, the City Council will hold its Parade of Hooded Figures. You can watch your town's favorite hooded figures walk out of the dog park and spread terror throughout the town. The City Council released a statement, saying, "Stay away. Stay far away. Bolt your windows and lock your doors and eat the family dog for food. The Hooded Figures are a lie. The Dog Park is a lie. IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE." So come on down to the City Hall to watch the Parade of Hooded Figures!

And now, a word from our sponsors.

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A further update on the mysterious man who calls himself the Doctor. I asked him for an interview and he agreed to sit down with me. So joining us now is –

The Doctor. Yes. The Doctor. That's my name.

Right then, Mr. Doctor, how did you come across our little town?

I detected high levels of radiation—did you know that your town is ravaged by devastating earthquakes.?

Yes. Carlos and his perfect hair have told me about them. Apparently, no one can feel them.

Who's Carlos?

Who's Carlos? Listeners, I don't know if you are hearing this, but this man does not know who Carlos is. Carlos…. Carlos has a voice like caramel with oaky tones, dark and delicate skin, black hair with a dignified touch of gray at his temples –

Yes, but who is he?

A scientist.

A scientist?

Yes. And my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

Yes.

Listeners, the Doctor has left to go speak to Carlos! I am afraid that he will go and take Carlos away from me with his succulent looks! I will follow him, and I won't be long. Let's go now to…. the weather.

*music*

The Doctor has left our little town at last! As he ran to find perfect, perfect Carlos, I threw about a dozen eggs at the back of his head. He promptly fell over and started emanating a golden light. He then stumbled to a blue box, which dematerialized into nothingness.

Wait – the new intern, Olivia, she's waving at me through the door. She's just passed me a slip of paper. Listeners, I am reading the slip of paper. Yes. Yes. Okay. It seems that it was my mistake. I did not throw anything at this Doctor, because eggs are not real, according to Mayor Pamela Winchell. However, I will reiterate what I said before. The Doctor has left town, and perfect, perfect Carlos is safe from his fabulous hair and chin.

This is a good reminder for all citizens. Sometimes, there are conflicts that come and surprise you with their chins, but you can always overcome them by focusing on the people you love that have perfect hair and skin. So I will conclude this progress with a warning to all you listeners – don't trust the blue box.

Stay tuned for a two hour special depicting the sounds of a leaky faucet.

Good night, Night Vale. Goodnight.