1. White Blossom
He didn't know when the numbness had started. Was it before they had come to pick him up? Or was it after? Or maybe it had started long before, when the waves were beating at his arms struggling to bear both of their weights. But it didn't matter where the numb came from. He wouldn't have it any other way. Because, if he felt something, if his grief came out, he would cry and, by cry, he meant wail and scream and curse the very water that he so often longed for. He would break his usual composure because one of the most important things, if maybe not the most important, in his life was taken from him by the very thing that he so loved.
The raging numbness wasn't like this when his grandmother had died, but then again, Haruka understood why. His grandmother, a confident and kind woman, had been old and it was expected for her to die sooner or later. But him…he wasn't supposed to die. Not now. Not before the regional tournament, not when he had just figured out what he looked for in his swimming. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. If he wasn't numb, Haruka would have pounded his fists against the casket, demanding him to answer why, why did he have to die now of all times? But the numbness let him keep that in, let him appear as if he was unaffected, that same aloof child he was before. Because everything right now reminded Haruka of him. The way his suit sat on his arms, the sleeves just a little too long reminded him of him with his tall frame and long arms and legs. The way the sun shone just softly enough and the cool breeze played with his hair was like his gentle smile. Even the white flowers in his hands, some kind of rose or maybe even lily (Haruka had no idea about botany), reminded him of his tender care. The white petals looked too perfect, too soft, and Haruka tightened his jaw.
He had to stay numb. That was the only way he'd get through this.
Just past where he was standing with his family, he could see the rest of the Iwatobi High Swim Club…and then farther past them, he could see people from their old middle and elementary schools. There were a lot of people there, but if any were making noise, his numbness wouldn't let him hear. Each face was like a smudge, only colors really designating who each people was. Gou's crimson hair made her distinctive, especially when paired with Nagisa's blonde curls and Rei's tall figure, but other people…they were just smudges of gray and black and white. And Haruka didn't care that he couldn't tell them apart. Because it wasn't fair. It just wasn't.
Someone was talking because he could hear a faint murmur and then he was being moved forward by the small hand holding his tightly. The casket, looking way too big for the person in it, was just a few feet away, the incense around it making his throat scratchy and his nose itchy the closer they got to it. A sudden desire to be anywhere but here surged in his chest like an angry tide and the only thing holding him in place was the hand in his. He didn't want to do this, but if he left…especially now… The numbness was waning, but he couldn't, just couldn't, let it go away. Because Haruka could feel the buildup of emotions in his throat and if he let those go…he didn't even know what would happen.
Three feet now. His hands felt clammy all of a sudden and he wasn't even sure why. The small hand in his tightened, trembling, and he tried to give a squeeze back. He wasn't really sure he did though.
Two feet. He could just see his face and his throat was closing up. Too close. He was too close. Why had they let him be one of the close family members? He could feel the numbness racing away, like the seawater before a tidal wave.
One foot. His face was visible, crowned by the white flowers. Haruka's breathing was becoming labored.
Haruka stood in front of the casket, the little hand in his hand shaking terribly. He stared at the face that he knew so well, cherished so much. His arm moved mechanically, placing the white flower among the others. It looked wrong. He looked wrong. Even when he slept there was always a faint trace of that small smile. There wasn't any here now. That face was too stiff, too emotionless. His fingers lingered longer than necessarily over that impassive face before limply falling to his side. A sick sense of pride filled his stomach as the small hand led him away. He hadn't broken down. He hadn't exploded. The racing tidal wave of numbness had returned with no more force than a gentle lap after a storm. He was still intact, still whole, still him.
But as he sat down in that dreaded place next to his family, Haruka finally noticed that his face was dreadfully wet. Usually, he didn't mind being wet; after all, he always had to pull him out of the water. This wetness, though, was unwanted. It was too warm, too salty, not at all like the warmth and salinity of the ocean. This water made his eyes hurt, made his cheeks feel inflamed. Even his nose felt weird and Haruka pressed his free hand to his mouth. He was supposed to be numb.
It wasn't fair.
The days after that event, which he still refused to call it what is was, were horrible and draining. Haruka forced himself to go to school, knowing that he would be upset if he didn't go, but nothing made sense. Ms. Amakata's voice was just a drone and even Nagisa's attempt to get him to swim was little more than a fly's buzz. Swimming didn't appeal to him. Water didn't appeal to him. How could he enjoy it after what happened? But he still sat and watched as Nagisa and Rei swam in the pool and listened to Gou's training regime, but they all knew there was no possible way they could swim in the regionals. Not without…
He didn't know how long this mindset even persisted. Days? Weeks? Months? Was it summer now? Or fall? Everything was a blur. Each day was like the last. Nothing was spectacular. It was like he had perpetually sunk into that numbness. There was an infinite vastness to this emptiness and all he could really tell was that he was gone. Time was no longer a thing to him. Eating, sleeping, bathing, all of it was rote and mechanical. Even club was a routine that he didn't enjoy nor despise. He just went and sat off to the side, blank eyes staring at the pool as it glittered innocently in the sunlight. He wanted to blame it, wanted to hate it, but it just called to him and he hated that, but didn't.
Fingers knotted in his hair and Haruka felt the pained gasp leave his mouth before he heard it. How many times had he found himself curled up like this? His fingers shook as he extracted them from his hair and he wasn't surprised to find that the rest of the club was gone. They had learned fast not to bother him when that happened, the crazed, haunted look on his face scarier than anything they had expected. The first few times, Nagisa had been immediately by his side, panicked cries echoing dully in his ears, but when he saw his face, the horrified look dissolved into something like pity. Haruka hated it, but he couldn't blame him. He didn't blame anyone. He wanted to, though. He wanted to put blame on someone.
So Haruka told himself it was his fault.
If he had been there…if he had been faster…if he had just said no…then that wouldn't have happened. He would still be here and the numbness would be gone and the sun would be brighter and warmer and not dull and gray. However, he wasn't here, not anymore, so everything was just so much grayer. It was like fog constantly flooded his eyes, blurring the space in front of him and making him feel empty and cold. Sometimes he wondered if he should still feel this way. It had been weeks, right? Or was it months? Days? Hours?
Footsteps. He heard footsteps. For one delirious moment, he thought it was him, but the pants and shoes weren't his, especially considering the black and red trainers on the feet of the visitor. Slowly, like a rusty automaton, Haruka lifted his head and mixed feelings burst in his chest for the first time in a long (short?) time. Even though the feelings were so complicated, too much for his drab state, they were warm, in that novel way which bittersweet things were. He waited to see if the other would speak or if he was required to do so. When was the last time he talked?
"Haru." The voice wasn't his either, deeper, rougher, reminding him of challenging deep waters and mysteries to solve. Haruka's head slowly sunk down until he was again looking at those trainers. There was a harrumph, an agitated sound and the trainers shifted. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing." His voice sounded foreign to his ears. Had it always been so soft?
There was an irritated twitch and the trainers shifted again. "I can see that."
There wasn't anything after that. Haruka was too drained to speak, flashbacks of that race coming back, and then the relay and then afterwards and then the event and he couldn't deal with it, not all at once, not now, not here, and his hands were clasping his head, trying to keep the emotions in and the numbness together. Tremors were shaking his body, or must have been, because somewhat larger and more calloused fingers were suddenly over top of his and his wide eyes were staring at uncharacteristically kind ones. Tears welled unbidden. It wasn't fair that he got to look like that after telling him that he would never swim with him again.
It wasn't fair.
Just as Haruka was about to pull away, he began speaking in a low voice, sounding almost pained, "Look at yourself, Haru. You've got bags under your eyes and you looked like you haven't eaten a decent thing in forever. Not since-."
He stopped and the pain in his voice flooded his face for a moment, then it was gone. In truth, Haruka hadn't really been eating. Everything he did eat tasted like cardboard. His mother was nice enough to give him leftovers, but Haruka had a suspicion that the food given to him was actually his share. He would have not touched it, but he would be upset if he didn't. But everything just…didn't taste right. Not even mackerel.
"You look pale, too," the person was continuing now, having gotten over whatever from before. His eyes still looked unrealistically kind. It wasn't fair. "Have you even been taking care of yourself? Really. What would Ma-."
"What are you doing here, Rin?" Haruka couldn't let him say his name. He couldn't let the emotions out. Not here, not in front of Rin of all people.
It wasn't fair.
The calloused hands didn't leave his and it was then that he remembered he was still in his almost fetal position. Weakly, stiffly, jerkily, he maneuvered so that his hands were lying in his lap, loosely wrapped around each other. Rin's hands went to his own arms, where they lay crossed over his knees. It was strange seeing Rin here at their little pool which they had cleaned and made presentable by their own hands. Rin, with his fancy academy uniform, all black and sleek, like a shark or, and Haruka actually twitched a little, an orca. Against the rest of his grayed world, the color was striking, too black, too dark, almost like a hole, made even more noticeable because of the hole in his chest.
His throat was rough, dry, like the cracked desert starving for rain. Everything felt shriveled and Rin still sat there without answering, crimson eyes watching him silently. Haruka felt like prey, but he didn't care, not really, because dolphins could easily defeat a shark…right? They bashed them with their skulls and the shark was seriously wounded then and orcas-. He stopped himself. That was getting too close to him.
"How long have you been like this?" Rin's voice sounded weird, like he was trying to keep something inside.
If he wasn't so numb, Haruka might have smirked. It sounded like Rin was trying not to cry. The redhead had always been a crybaby.
"I don't know." And he didn't. What was time when he was gone? He just barely managed to get whatever done on time. He didn't even know about his schoolwork. He might have written mackerel for something in math.
"Haru, it's been weeks," the intruder sighed, sounding too friendly, too caring. "It's summer vacation. It's almost over actually."
Oh, yeah. They had had exams, hadn't they? That's why Haruka had to keep going to school for a while more. He had had supplementary lessons. Did he even pass those? He would have made sure that he would have passed them.
Oh. If it was summer vacation, then regionals…
Well, they weren't going to go to them anyway. Not without him. And besides, where would they find someone in short notice that was skilled enough to match him? It was impossible. Even that girl with the swimmer coach dad in their class couldn't find anyone who was up to his par, not even anyone from their old elementary swim club. And it wasn't like they could swim a mixed relay, not at a high school event.
"So?"
"So, don't you think it's been long enough?" Rin asked, but something in his voice…there was an ache and Haruka couldn't really place it, but suddenly he was annoyed.
"Has it been long enough about your father?" He should have felt bad for saying that. It was way below the belt, impractically low, but it wasn't fair that he had a limit to mourn and Rin was allowed to carry his father's death like a battle scar.
Haruka could hear the twist of pain and anger in Rin's voice. "That's different."
"It's not," Haruka muttered sullenly. He watched his fingers clench. "I have the same right as you do to mourn. Maybe even more so. I knew him longer than you knew your father."
Haruka was fairly certain that he was digging himself a deeper hole and maybe he was actually provoking Rin on purpose. He wasn't entirely sure. Nothing was clear anymore. Everything was muddy.
His shirt was grabbed and Rin was actually lifting him like a doll, which was impressive since Haruka had gone limp. His feet, though, were still on the ground, but that wouldn't have mattered if Rin, angry, angry Rin, let him go. Those bloody eyes blazed and for a moment, Haruka was afraid that he was going to be eaten. An absurd thought, but that pointy scowl and the way his nose was scrunched up, it was looking at an angry tiger. His mouth twitched. A tiger shark.
"Do you find that funny, Nanase?" Rin growled with now both fists balled up in the other's shirt. He must have noticed the mouth twitch. "Do you find it funny that my dad died in the same event that caused Makoto's greatest fear?"
The name caused Haruka to freeze and his eyes were suddenly wide and terrified.
Rin said the word. He said his name.
It wasn't fair.
Rin, though, wasn't done. "Do you find it funny that one of the most important things in my life was taken the same way one of the most important things in your life was? Do you think it's funny that neither of us can get over it? Do you find it absolutely hilarious that Makoto isn't around to protect you anymore?"
Haruka wanted him to stop saying the name. He was willing to beg for him to stop. But nothing came out of his open mouth. Not even a scream of pain from the stabs to his chest.
"Makoto's gone. My dad's gone. And neither of us will get over it," Rin continued, disregarding the way Haruka was suddenly trembling. "But the way you're acting? It's a pathetic picture of what Makoto so carefully tried to protect. Do you think Makoto would be happy to see how you are? Do you think he would want you to be this way? Well, I bloody don't think so."
Unceremoniously, Rin's fists disappeared from his shirt and Haruka crumpled to the ground, wide eyes set on the other's shoes. There was a thudding in his ears. He didn't know where it came from. It just went thump-thump-thump and pounded ceaselessly on his eardrums, deadening the already dull world. It wasn't that he thought that his actions would make him happy. He knew that he would be sad if he saw him. But it just didn't feel right without him. Life wasn't happy without him. It didn't mean anything without him.
Something caught his attention, a soft sound that came through the thump-thump-thump and he lifted his face to look at Rin. It shouldn't surprise him to see the tears in the other's eyes; Rin was a crybaby, after all. But what caused them confused him. The redhead didn't have the right to be upset about him, not like he did. However, Rin's tears only egged on his own tears and Haruka had to look away before his were seen. He had been safe in the numbness and yet…and yet…
"I…" Haruka's voice cracked and he gulped furiously to calm the trembling of his lips. "I don't…" But whatever else he was going to say was lost in the lump in his throat.
Blessedly, Rin's voice wasn't any steadier than his. "You don't what? You don't what, Haru?"
"I…" he gasped and he hated how his mouth wouldn't work and his saliva felt like gum and his tongue stuck to the roof of this mouth. "I don't think…that…"
"What? You don't think that Makoto would want you to act this way?" It wasn't fair that Rin could form coherent sentences with a wobbly voice but Haruka was having trouble just breathing.
He shuddered at his name. "Y…Yes."
There was silence after that. If Rin had left, Haruka probably wouldn't have noticed. His eyes were unfocused, not seeing what was in front of him, as the tears leaked out, crawling down his cheeks like languid little kittens. He wanted to make him happy, but how could he when he wasn't here? What had made him happy? What had Haruka done that put that smile on his face? He didn't know. He didn't know. What had…what had they done together? Why couldn't he remember? It hurt too much to think of him and what they did and how they used to be. There was a knife in his chest and it twisted a fraction more with every memory he dredged up. They swam…right? They played video games…right? Walked? Picnics? Gone to the beach? He couldn't remember.
It wasn't fair.
A noise caught his attention. At first he thought Rin was sobbing or laughing or coughing or something and then he realized Rin was repeating a name. Instinctively, his body reacted to it, flinching against the syllables, trembling at the sounds. Fingers again went to his head, where they buried themselves into his scalp, heels of his palms against his ears, teeth gritted, eyes shut tight against the noise. He didn't want to hear it. Because…Because then he would remember and it would hurt and the numbness would be gone. And he would scream.
"Makoto."
And wail.
"Makoto."
And do something drastic.
"Tachibana Makoto."
"STOP IT." His voice was loud, almost hysterical. He had to stop Rin before his seems came undone. Eyes opened and crazed, he stared at his former friend, his rival, his enemy for what seemed like forever before speaking. "Don't say his name."
"Why?"
Why? Such a simple question for such a complex answer. Haruka didn't know where to begin. If he heard the name anymore, he would lose control. How could he tell Rin that his name made him come apart? How could he tell him that that three syllable name caused him so much pain? That because he was gone he couldn't even speak his name for fear that he would go into hysterics? Where did Rin get the nerve to even ask such a blatant and…arrogant question? It was his own damn business whether or not he wanted to hear his friend's name, wasn't it? It was his own business whether or not he wanted to suffer at the sound. Where did he get the nerve?
"You don't…need to know," Haruka grumbled, averting his eyes. "Just…stop saying his name."
"Honestly, you're pathetic," Rin sneered, any kindness he had been attempting to show gone from his voice. "I mean, really, and I thought I was bad."
Haruka whipped his head around, glaring at the redhead. "Considering you're still hung up on-."
"Forget about me." The other boy looked pained again and, reluctantly, he backed down, eyes averted again as he furiously blinked away the tears. Honestly, he really didn't know what was wrong with him. He wanted to be numb. So why was he trying to provoke Rin? "I'm dealing with it in my own way. But you…"
He returned his gaze to Rin, back to that strained expression that looked like he was just barely keeping himself intact. He used to say that he and Rin were similar, but Haruka didn't see it. Sure, both of them enjoyed swimming, but it was for very different reasons and, really, Haruka only just realized how much it meant to swim with people. Rin…Rin swam only for himself. But his smiling face came up into his mind and then he remembered how close he and Rin had been as children and that look on Rin's face made sense, at least a little. He had thought, though, that the redhead hated them. But…could it be…that Rin…actually still cared?
But using his name was too much and Haruka shut down that frivolous thought. Rin was only looking for a way to redeem himself.
It wasn't fair.
Unsteadily, Haruka stood, aware that the day was getting on and wondering where the rest of his team had gone. This had happened so often, so frequently, that he was no longer bothered by the lapses of time that occurred when he went into one of his debilitating episodes of grief. Usually, however, he could sink back down into the numb, in that lack of emotion and pain, and pretend for a little while that he was only on a trip and was coming back.
Or that Haruka would be meeting him soon.
His footsteps were shaky and uneven, as if he was drunk, and he only managed a couple of stumbled steps before Rin was holding him in place. The hand on his arm was big but not the right size, and it was too hot, not warm, and just felt wrong. His grip was strong, but not this strong, or at least not when he used it to grab him. Haruka just wanted to get away and return to the numb. The ocean was calling.
"You're not dealing with it, Haru."
He knew that. It was obvious, wasn't it?
"Ma-He wouldn't want you to be this way."
Playing nice now, Rin? Unfair.
"Haru, you can't continue living like this."
He could bloody well try, couldn't he?
"Not when there are people worrying about you."
Haruka frowned, head twitching towards Rin so that one murky blue eye was looking at the other. There was a faint blush on Rin's cheeks and he looked like he wanted to take back what he just said, but his resolution shone in his eyes and he plowed on.
"I know that…that I've been an ass, but…I…only just remembered what I lost and I…it was hard enough learning that Makoto was…" Haruka flinched, but Rin was no longer paying attention. His hair was covering his eyes and he was speaking in a voice just audible. "If you…if you follow after Makoto…how do you think we would feel? How would Nagisa and Gou and Makoto's family feel? How do you think I would feel?"
His eyes widened and Haruka was confused. "Rin…?"
"Haru…losing someone precious is…excruciating…but…they wouldn't want you to stop living." Rin's voice was particularly gruff and he remembered that funeral so long ago where his fear of the sea began and they had first met that Matsuoka siblings. "You have to fight through it, Haru. Or you'll drown."
Drown. He would drown? Drown in the numbness, yes. He would like that though. That's what he had been doing for the past weeks. Sinking deeper and deeper into the smothering, suffocating, soothing numbness. Because then the pain would be gone and it would be nice and maybe, maybe, he could see him again. Except…
Haruka looked at Rin, twisting his head to see the other's face, and felt something at the gritted teeth and the tightly shut eyes. Rin hadn't been a friend since he returned from Australia. He had always been a rival and even as children, he was always the aggressor. But…he had liked him, so Haruka had grudgingly accepted him, because winning the relay had been…fun. But Haruka was afraid to let go of the numbness. He couldn't bear to lose hold of it because then he would be swept out to the sea of grief that was just under his feet. It was like he was treading water and if he stopped, if he relaxed, he would drown in emotions.
It was better to drown in numbness than lose control.
It was better to wrap himself in a protective blanket of aloofness and uncaring then let the tightly-capped bottle go.
Because the message in that bottle wasn't a pleasant one and if Haruka let it out, he could never go back.
Rin's hand was shaking and Haruka at first thought Rin was crying, but then he realized that the person shaking was him. He was the one trembling because the fear of those emotions, the pain of losing him, everything was so close to the surface and Rin's admission didn't help. How was he supposed to fight it when he was afraid? How did he keep on living when he didn't even know how?
His voice was small and wavering when he finally spoke. "I…don't know how…to fight."
Rin looked up, eyes watery, face surprised, but Haruka continued, eyes now roving back and forth, looking for an escape.
"I don't know how to live without…without…" He shook his head. "I don't know how to fight. I just…I don't want to feel anything. Because it hurts too much. He's…He's gone, Rin. And I…how do I…how have I…? I don't know what to do without him. I don't want to live without him."
Haruka could feel the panic rising inside of him and gulped air, trying to get enough to keep from hyperventilating. His chest felt ragged, like it was being furiously ripped apart. The emotions were building, building to a point where he was afraid he wouldn't be able to take it. This isn't what he wanted. He wanted to drown in numbness, not be pulled apart by the undertow of emotions.
Tears ran down his cheeks and he was unaware, too frightened to think of life without him. He didn't even know how he had been living for that past weeks? It had been weeks, right? It was almost September, or so Rin had said, so it had been weeks…right? It made his head spin. How had he survived so long? Without him? Without…Without…
Makoto.
A dam opened. His lips trembled and the tears just overflowed again. "I don't want to live without Makoto. It's not fair. It's not fair. How could…? It was my fault. If I hadn't…if I…if only…then he…then Makoto…then…"
But Haruka couldn't form the words, his sobs garbling too much of what he was saying. It felt like Rin had let him go, but in his distress, he needed to feel a comforting presence and, while Rin wouldn't really be someone he would call "comforting", he was the closest physically at that moment, so Haruka grabbed his jacket and refused to let go. It wasn't fair.
Makoto. MakotoMakotoMakotoMakoto.
A tentative hand gently touched his head and Haruka coughed, trying to take in breaths between his wails and sobs. He wondered how disturbed Rin was at his behavior, but that was trivial compared to the pressure in his chest and the burning in his lungs and the stupid way his hear thudded against his ribcage. Makoto was gone. And he didn't know what to do.
"It'll be okay." Rin's voice was uncharacteristically soft and kind, better than it had been before. "Haru. It'll be okay."
Haruka wanted to doubt him, wanted to yell at him that he was wrong and a liar, wanted to do something drastic, but he believed the words that he was sure someone had said to him before. It just…from Rin it actually sounded like it might be the truth. Because Rin lost someone precious too…so…so…
It still wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Haruka was left while Makoto was gone. It wasn't fair that Makoto had been lost to what Haruka had loved so much. It wasn't fair that he couldn't hold onto his grief, but Rin was right. He was wasting away in grief and that's not what Makoto would have wanted. So…it was time. Time to leave the numbness and start living the way that Makoto wanted him to.
It was just…going to be a little hard and would take some time.
But hopefully…maybe…possibly…Rin might just be there to help, even just a little.
It wasn't fair…but…Haruka had to move forward.
Or he wouldn't be free.
I don't usually write fics like this, but it was kicking me in the face and I'm truly sorry.