"Woah!" you may say, "Is that the Evincar?"

And I might say, "Screw off you dirty little bugger!"

But probably not…

The point is…This is The Evincar with a new fanfic, a self-insert to be precise.

You see, I like trying out different genres of fanfiction and such that I've never tried before…

Like a self-insert…or a one-shot (Hint hint)

Now LISTEN HERE!

I was going to make this a one-shot, but I realized that I was way too lazy for that and that it would take about three chapters to finish this story.

Of course, there are some areas I'll never go to, like the eternally retarded Fire/Ice, or WAFFy romance…Sorry, I'm just not capable of clichéd WAFF, any romance you find in my fics is usually laden with good old angst and conflict and misery. 

Now I'm trying to make a good self-insert, which is impossible, or not, I'm not really trying to make a good one, just make one in general.

I'm taking a few liberties here:

1.) I'm actually learning Japanese, and have been for a year, but for the purposes of this story, I'm fluent. How else am I supposed to communicate?

And…well, not much else, except messing with my background a wee bit to make me an Eva pilot. That's all.

This takes place, by the way, before Kaworu Nagisa, and after the attack of Bardiel, the 13th Angel. So I'm the Fifth Child, if Kaworu exists in this stupid three-shot alternate universe or not doesn't matter, but he'd be the Sixth Child.

Well, let's get this three-shot show a'goin'!

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or its characters. Gainax does, and they rock. Who else could create both Evangelion and FLCL!

Tokyo 3, Japan

Misato's Apartment

Shinji Ikari sighed as he heard the familiar droning voice of Asuka Langley Sohryu, demanding her usual breakfast.

He was quite tired of her and her tirades, but there wasn't really so much he could do about it, he almost felt like he cared for her in an odd way.

"Alright, Mistress."

Asuka suddenly stopped, peering at him.

"What'd you say, Third Child? Did I detect sarcasm, you little-"

Suddenly Misato Katsuragi's voice wafted into the room, interrupting the Second Child before she could go any farther.

"Hey, are you two ready to go yet?"

"Aww, what the heck are you talking about Misato, drink too much yesterday? Today's Saturday, no school!"

Shinji looked on nervously, quite confused.

Misato smiled as she entered the room, already dressed in her full uniform, looking quite formal and correct.

"Didn't I tell you guys? The Fifth Child arrives today, from America!"

"Fifth Child!"

Shinji looked down, whispering to himself.

"More…pilots…More pilots, why do we need more? More children to die…Like…Like Touji."

"Why do we need a Fifth Child, Misato! I alone am enough for this whole city, and you know it! And besides, what Evangelion is he going to use?"

"For your information he's coming with his own Eva Unit, Unit 05, freshly made in California."

Asuka grumbled, turning away.

"Now I've got to deal with another idiot boy who thinks he's invincible, I bet…At least he's not living with us though."

Misato seemed to sweat for a few minutes and Asuka noticed it, raising an eyebrow.

"You don't mean that? No! Dammit! What is this, a daycare place or something! I'm going to be surrounded by little perverted boys!"

The Second Child's angry screaming could be heard for miles and miles that day, as Shinji cowered and Misato grumbled.

Tokyo 3, Japan

NERV Headquarters, Commander's Office

Gendo Ikari sat solemnly, his hands folded in front of his face, staring off from behind his orange-tinted lens.

"Hmm."

Kouzou, his Sub-Commander stood beside him, a solemn pillar that occasionally talked.

"Gendo…"

"What is it?"

"Are you sure bringing in a new pilot is wise? Do we really require one?"

"Perhaps…You do realize the Second Child's potential for failure, and we cannot rely on only three pilots in this day and age."

"Perhaps indeed, but the American branch seemed quite irate we needed another Evangelion after the last incident…"

"No matter."

"But what if the angel that contaminated the Fourth Child's Eva is-"

Gendo turned away, his face cold.

"We must accept the possibilities of danger when attempting such endeavors. The Fifth Child and Evangelion Unit 05 will be delivered in our hands, safely."

Aircraft Carrier off the coast of Tokyo 3

Sailors and soldiers paced about the gray deck of the ship, although there wasn't much room on the huge carrier.

Strapped to the carrier was an enormous black mass, hidden under a huge brown blanket.

Captain Kiriyama grumbled as he surveyed his ship.

"Damn NERV precedence…The last time they tried this 1/3 of the combined UN fleet was destroyed! They have no respect for the navy, bastards…"

He turned to one of the technicians working on the ship, shaking his head.

"I don't get it, why do we have to do this, huh? Transport a kid and a giant piece of crap robot thing…Goddamn it…"

Suddenly the door opened in the control room, and three figures entered from the shadows, two tall men dressed in black suits, evidently Section II, and a boy with earbuds in his ears, paying no attention to his surroundings, wearing dark sunglasses.

The captain raised an eyebrow, evidently enraged at the men entering his control room without permission.

"What is the meaning of this!"

One of the guards stepped forward, ignoring the captain's anger.

"Sir, this is Pilot Sanbud Tehrani, the Fifth Child, and we have received orders to commandeer one of the helicopters on this ship and send him directly to Tokyo 3, we are already late as it is."

"Hey, wait, no! You have no righ-"

"Thank you sir."

And with that the three figures exited, before the bushy-mustachioed captain could respond.

"Wait! Wha! Damn it!"

The captain crumbled against a computer, slamming his fist against it.

"Damn them…they're worst than pirates…Yaarrrr…"

Tokyo 3, Japan

NERV Headquarters, NERV Helipad

Asuka yawned as she, Shinji, and Misato made their way onto the helipad and looked around.

"Huh? The idiot isn't even here yet? What the heck? I bet he's a lazy bum."

Misato sighed.

"The helicopter is probably late. We can wait right here, he'll probably be in about five minutes."

"Incorrect."

Misato, Asuka and Shinji both simultaneously jumped up in the air, utterly startled as they heard Rei's voice, having not noticed at all that she was only a few feet away from them.

Asuka glared at the blue-haired girl.

"What? You're here too? What're you doing here?"

"To assess the pilot and return the data to Commander Ikari."

Shinji looked down, images of his father flooding in his mind.

Asuka, meanwhile, simply scoffed.

"Just like I thought, you're just a doll."

Rei remained silent.

Helicopter over Tokyo 3

The boy sat in the helicopter, brushing his black bangs away, and returned to his book.

It was an old yellowed-over book, obviously from before Third Impact, and he stared at it, silently reading the title.

The Mayor of Casterbridge, by Thomas Hardy

The book seemed to have been ready many times, as it was worn and dirty, although that may have simply been because of it's age.

I wonder what the other pilots are like…both Japanese, I remember hearing that one was a girl…Argh, Asian girls scare me, maybe it's because I like them, but they seem so damn androgynous and freaky.

He slowly looked at his small briefcase, which was all he had really packed, and then fished into his black jacket, pulling out a lighter.

He stared at it and flicked it on, staring at the flame and looking for something to burn.

Fire…doesn't get better than that.

Pilot Tehrani put away his inane thoughts and Neanderthalesque flame obsession as his mind stopped it's rambling and looked down as the helicopter began to slow and lower in altitude.

Tokyo 3, Japan

NERV Headquarters, NERV Helipad

Misato yawned and stretched, lying there on the helipad as she heard the familiar sounds of a helicopter's blades approaching closer and closer.

She quickly sprang up and dashed over to wake up Shinji and Asuka, who were groaning and growling and making queer noises in their sleep as always, probably the result of some odd horrible Freudian dreams involving heavy symbolism and dead mothers.

Rei of course was awake, having stood there patiently on the helipad for a few hours, her crimson eyes ever focused on helicopter as it landed.

The door slowly opened and two Section II guards stepped out, saluting Misato, who saluted back.

Then, all eyes were on the door, all eyes expectant, wondering, confused.

Peh…another idiot like Shinji, I bet…

Another pilot…so soon after Touji.

I wonder what this pilot's going to be like? Damn I have to make more room in my apartment, hope he packed light.

This pilot should prove to be satisfactory like Commander Ikari said.

All these thoughts and more were addressed as the door opened once more and the Fifth Child stepped out.

He stepped out and peered around, struggling to hold onto a notebook and a novel in one hand while keeping his dark sunglasses on his face and holding a large black briefcase.

At first glance he looked about Shinji's height and build, but not exactly skinny or fat. He had a shock of messy black hair and thick eyebrows above deep brown eyes, and indeed he seemed hairy or at least compared to the Japanese. He could be considered handsome, although he seemed to be scowling, which made him look odd.

The Fifth Child stepped out, peering at the people around him without a word, and then stepped forward to Misato, the closest one to him, and offered his hand.

"Hi."

She put on a friendly smile and accepted his hand, shaking it.

"Sanbud, I presume? The Fifth Child, welcome to Tokyo 3…Hope you enjoy your time here."

She turned, indicating Shinji who was standing there emotionless, and Asuka, who was scowling to match the Fifth Child's expert level scowl.

"Those two are you fellow pilots, Asuka Langley Sohryu, the Second Child, and Shinji Ikari, the First Child."

The Fifth Child stepped forward, offering his hand first to Shinji, who took it, shaking it.

"Ah, Shinji Ikari, I've heard some things about you. Good to meet you, comrade."

And then he turned to Asuka, offering his hand.

"And Asuka Sohryu, greetings, comradess."

Suddenly in the back of Sanbud's mind he realized that "comradess" was just a word he had made up right there, and that he was deftly annoyed by Asuka Langley Sohryu. In fact he already felt he could hate everyone on the platform quite easily.

As if responding to Sanbud's thoughts, Asuka gripped his hand, smirking as she attempted to crush it. After all, the Second Child was extremely strong and adept in martial arts.

Sanbud maintained his smile and Asuka maintained her smirk as their hands deftly battled each other, unbeknownst to the others.

Ow…damn…sadist…chick…This is just like that movie I saw where the Asian chick sticks pins in that guy's eyes…augh.

The Fifth Child quickly broke off the handshake and turned away as Misato diverted his attention to the remaining girl on the platform, Rei Ayanami.

"And she's the First Child."

Oooh…pretty, although the whole blue-hair thing is just freaking me out…well, who cares, I can just get her to dye her hair when I conquer her soul.

Sanbud gave his best patronizing smirk as he offered his hand to Rei, speaking as he would to a little girl.

"Why hello there, I'm Sanbud Tehrani, the Fifth Child, you must be the First Child. Great to meet you."

Rei Ayanami simply nodded, and then promptly turned away, leaving the Fifth Child alone with his hand awkwardly pointed out.

"Right…"

"Rei's always sort of like that, Sanbud, you should get used to it."

"Yeah…Just a damn doll…"

Turning away from them, the Fifth Child spotted something in the distance and smirked, hiding it when he returned to face them.

"Well, I've introduced myself. Sanbud Tehrani, the Fifth Child, training in NERV-01 in Massuchsets. And this…"

He pointed behind him as four huge VTOLs approaching towing a huge object towards the base.

"That is my Evangelion Unit 05."

Shinji looked up and gasped as the Evangelion passed overhead.

It was almost pure black except for a gray upperbody, and looked quite similar to Evangelion Unit 03, except it had no horn, and it had two blood-red squinting eyes that seemed to stare down at them all, as if condemning them.

Shinji turned away, away from the people around him, thinking of the last pilot who had come, and what had happened to him.

All…my fault.

Now keep in mind this, all self-insert fanfics suck by rule. Because it's basically impossible to think, "Okay, I'm going to realistically put myself in the fic, in the world of Evangelion, and try to keep my personality intact and not be totally retarded like 99.9 of self-insert fics", it's hard to make this genre of fanfiction not crappy…And I bet it's even harder for Fire-Ice writers, poor deluded Japanophiles who use annoying smilies…

Well, later until next chapter, that was it.

Now get out there and read my major fanfics, Neon Genesis Evangelion: Madness, End of Evangelion: Darkness, Shinji's Stronghold, and Fate of Destruction!