Summary: The day after Karasu confronted Kurama about cheating on him, Kurama got mad and they broke up. Karasu reflects on how Kurama never seemed to love him as much as he thought…random fic I wrote in 3 hours while listening to a song over and over…and inspired me to get over writers block
The song is 'I Hate Myself for Losing You' by Kelly Clarkson
Woo! Over writer's block! I haven't written anything since June…stabs writer's block I also hate school…damned history class…I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this but…yeah…I was bored…on with the incredibly pathetic songfic!
…And yes, I like using ellipses (three dots)...a LOT!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea…and probably Kurama's attitude cause nothing that I've read has Kurama being this much of a bastard in it…but just to be safe, I won NOTHING!
Rated for Karasu being depressed, character death, and implications of rape
Enjoy!
Karasu slowly woke up, trying to forget what had happened the night before. His alarm clock went off a few minutes later. Karasu reached over and was about to turn the alarm/radio off when a song that he liked came on.
I woke up today
Woke up wide awake
In an empty bed
Staring at an empty room
Karasu closed his eyes and curled up, he could still smell the rose-scented shampoo on the pillow.
I have myself to blame
For the state I'm in today
'I was so stupid…I didn't want to get hurt…why did I trust him?' Karasu curled up a little tighter. He placed his hands over his wrists where there bloody bandages that Kurama had carefully wrapped over the cuts. 'He said he didn't want me hurting myself…he hurt me more than cutting ever has…'
And now dying
Doesn't seem so cruel
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
He looked over at the other side of the bed, there were several crumpled up letters that he had tried to write, saying how he felt. 'There's no way I can write down how I feel…but I can't tell him…he'd just feel guilty that he used me…' Karasu looked at a picture of them together on the nightstand, he whimpered softly and pushed it so it was lying facedown. 'Why Kurama…why…' A tear slowly ran down his cheek. 'I hate this…' He whimpered again at the feeling of blood running down his leg. 'I hate this pain…I hate this life…I…I hate myself….' More tears threatened to escape but he didn't let them.
I hate myself for losing you
I'm seeing it all so clear
He grabbed the bandages and ripped them off, letting a few drops of blood drip onto the bed. 'He never understood…I don't do this to hurt myself…I do it so I can feel pain other than this ache in my chest…'
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
Karasu stared at the blood. 'I know he didn't treat me right but…he did say I was beautiful…was he lying to me even then? He must have been, I'm not attractive, I have mental problems…I've been used so much…' He stood up and grabbed the picture off the nightstand.
You got what you deserved
Hope you're happy now
'Cause every time I think of her with you
It's killing me
'He told me he was gay…he was lying then too…did he think that I was too stupid to notice how he spent less and less time with me? He even muttered her name in his sleep…'
Inside, and
Now I dread each day
Knowing that I can't be saved
From the loneliness
Of living without you
He took the picture out of the frame and ripped it up. 'I never cut deep enough before because I thought Kurama would miss me…I see now that he didn't care at all…I can't take this loneliness anymore…'
And, oh
I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
Karasu lightly caressed the wounds on his wrists, causing more blood to drip onto the bed. 'All those promises of love…of keeping me safe…all of it was a lie…' He slowly got off the bed and walked out to the balcony, closing his eyes as he tried to forget everything that had happened the last few months.
-Flashback-
Kurama walked in just as Karasu was finishing bandaging his wrists. "What happened?" Karasu looked up, his eyes wide. "O-Oh, I um…I just…" Kurama narrowed his eyes slightly. "Karasu…" Karasu bit his lip. Kurama walked over. "…You cut yourself?" Karasu nodded slightly, looking at the floor. "…Why?" He shrugged, not really knowing the reason why himself. Kurama paused for a few seconds before lightly hugging him. "Don't do this anymore…imagine what people would say if they knew I was dating someone who cut himself…"
-End of Flashback-
Karasu had thought that Kurama had meant what his friends would say about him behind his back. His eyes flashed when he realized that Kurama had wanted him to stop just so he could pretend that he had the perfect boyfriend. 'I'm about as far away from perfect as you can get…no wonder he didn't want me…'
I hate myself for losing you
And oh, I don't know what to do
Not sure that I'll pull through
I wish you knew
Karasu looked down and saw that his blood was starting to pool on the balcony and decided to go back and bandage them. He paused when he saw the teddy bear Kurama had gotten him when he told Kurama that he had nightmares when he wasn't there to hold him. He grabbed it by the neck and blood rolled down to the bear's stomach. He narrowed his eyes and threw it across the room.
And oh, I don't know what to say
And I don't know anyway
Anymore
No, no
He started taking everything that Kurama had left and throwing it away. He hated the way Kurama had just left anything he didn't want at his apartment, just the way he had left Karasu the night before.
I hate myself for losing you
What do you do when you look in the mirror
And staring at you is why he's not here?
He finished ripping pictures of him and Kurama off the edge of the mirror and happened to look down. There was a small blade on the edge of the frame, it was the only blade left since Kurama had taken everything sharp out of Karasu's apartment.
What do you say when everything's said?
Is the reason why he left you in the end?
Karasu picked up the blade and pressed it against his wrist and made the cuts deeper, tears were streaming down his face.
How do you cry when every tear you shed
Won't ever bring him back again?
He slowly sunk to his knees as the blood poured over his hands and onto the floor. He softly sung the last line of the song.
"I hate myself for loving you"
…Sad and depressing and short, I know…but I've been having a tough time in school lately and I needed someway to vent…so I wrote this during lunch and a free period…before Christmas…I just haven't had the time to type it up on my computer and upload it…and this will probably be the last story you see from me for a while…unless I decide to write a sequel…
Little note: I took out a verse because I didn't have the lyrics when I finished the fic after school, and I couldn't think of anything to go with those lyrics so…yeah…I just took out the verse
Please Review!
Lillian