Because when I'm with him I am thinking of you, a big time rush fanfic

He is my best friend. I love him. He is my protector, my other half, the cause of my broken heart. Kendall Knight fearless leader. Is what broke my heart. This might sound like the whole cliché story about how you fall in love with the most wonderful person ever. This is different. The most wonderful person ever loved me back. We just had a connection like no other.

We got together back when we were in Minnesota. Before all the glitz and glamor of Hollywood. He promised me that we would make it till the end. That we would not let something like fame come in the way of our love. Our relationship probably only survived about a month or two before it all went down hill. There was this girl and her name was Jo.

He dated her as a cover. Because he was not ready to come out yet. That cover turned into a friend. That friend turned into a crush. And that crush turned into his girlfriend. I should have seen it happening. The way he looked at her. The way he smiled dreamily when her name was mentioned. I remember the day he came to me with what would be the last day of our love.

Kendall had been avoiding me the whole day. Well actually the whole time we were in LA ever since Jo came. But we still remained a couple. A few kisses here and there. But that was beside the point. Night time had come around and I was waiting for him. He walked in looking sad but somewhat happy. As soon as he saw me I could tell he held back his tears.

Can we talk? Those are the words you do not ever want to hear from the person you love. He said being in a relationship in Hollywood is hard. Especially a gay one. We would not be able to become something if we remained together. Then those magic words. " We have to breakup". My world fell apart completely. I felt numb. Paralyzed. I felt like I died that day and went to hell. Dramatic I know.

He gave me one last kiss. And told me that I would always be his number one. I feel into depression, only a few days after our break up when Kendall began to date Jo exclusively . He did not even seem phased by our breakup. Almost as if being relieved to have gotten rid of me. He seemed happy to be with her. That really tore me apart. It killed me that he let a girl he has only known for a few months, come among a love that was strong and alive for three years.

I still love him with all my heart. But he loves Jo. I bounced back a couple of weeks later. But it hurt too much to see him with her. So I became distant from him. Not even friendship was enough. I wanted him back. I began hanging more with James. Because Kendall used up every minute to be with her. There was some days where I did not even look at him. He was too engrossed with this girl.

James and I got closer. We became inseparable. Then we started dating. I guess it's second best right?. James is wonderful, but he can never replace Kendall.

Comparisons are easily done,
Once you've had a taste of perfection,
Like an apple hanging from a tree,
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed.

I compare James to Kendall. James has the great qualities but Kendall outshines him. Kendall was brave and bold. A leader, a protector. He was real and hated being fake. He hated liars...Broken promises. But he doesn't realize that he broke the biggest one he ever made to me. Kendall was willing and selfless. He gave up on his dream to make James's come true.

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know.

Once you've had a taste of fame and perfection, you are going to never want to let go. You were my Knight in shinning armor. You let the dragon get in the way of saving me from the tower. You were Peter Pan and I was Tinkerbell. But you let Wendy take you to the real world. Now I am lost in Never land. How can a girl that doesn't even like half the things you do come between two people who were basically joined at the hip?. Who walked on the same wavelength.

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you,
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do,
If you were the one who was spending the night,
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes,

Those nights when you had climbed through my window just to tell me goodnight. The times I held you when your home life was becoming too much. When we would lay out in the back yard and watch the stars, talking about everything. When we ran away that weekend because our friends found out about our relationship, and we thought they would hate us. When we would sneak out on Fridays just to go watch the latest movie or just to goof off.

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter,
Like a hard candy with a surprise center,
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test.

It's true. There are tons of fish in the sea, but I lost Nemo and he never came back. Walt Disney comparisons are really a last resort. But what we had was so Disney. The happiest place in the world right?. Your arms are my castle, your heart is my sky. They wiped away tears that I cried. Being in your embrace was my happiness. It meant everything to me. Now you hold someone else. I just hope she cherishes it just as much as I did. Still do.

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

You remember our first kiss?. Sixth grade it was a little peck cause we were curious. But in ninth grade was out first real kiss. You were sick that day and had missed school. I cut during the middle of the day because you texted me saying you were lonely. The first time I dropped anything related to school just so I could hang out with a sniffling, runny nose you. I was giving you your medicine and my finger touched your soft lip. Then we slowly leaned in for a clumsy cough syrupy kiss.

It was here in LA. When we finally mustered up the courage to have sex. Ya that wasn't awkward at all. It hurt because we did not know the proper way. But it was both our first time and it meant to me more than anything in the whole world. After that we became basically pro. With no problems whatsoever. Now all that intimacy is given to a new person. I hope she enjoys it. Because it was the best feeling ever. It is the best feeling ever.

You're the best, and yes, I do regret.
How could I let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned,
Oh. I think you should know!

Watching you dance with her at Prom is the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. The way you are whispering into her ear making her giggle and blush. You smile at her so lovingly. I close my eyes and for a moment I pretend that it's me who you're showing off for the world to see. For a moment I pretend that we are back in Minnesota happy and in love, before we came here.

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you,
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do,
If you were the one who was spending the night,
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

I open my eyes only to see James. James is there not you. Is he replacing you? No one can. James is there not you. Why can't it be you again?. Why can't it be you who's asking me to dance?. Who's whispering into my ear, telling me how much you love me?. Why can't I just be in your arms one more time?. Its James not you. Please be you?.

looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes, Oh, you won't you walk through?
And bust the door in and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes,
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay…

They are hazel, I wish that I was looking into green. His hair is brown, can it be blonde?. He is the face, can it be the leader?. Every time he makes me smile, I shall think of you. Every time he hugs me, I'll dream of you. Every time he kisses me, I will taste your mouth. Every time we get intimate, it will be you making love to me. Because when I'm with him I am thinking of you…