To Live or Not To Live

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters don't belong to me, but this story and Yokan do. Period.

Hakkai

Fifteen years had passed, since I lost her. So many things had happened since then.

But still I hated myself for not being able to save her. For having failed.

I'd promised her I'd always be there for her. But I broke that promise. When she needed me most, I wasn't there.

How could I not have known? Why didn't I sense it? Why didn't I have a hunch, or a premonition? Anything?

That was what I told Gojyo, a little while after I met him.

He told me I was thinking my love for her hadn't been enough, but that wasn't a good enough reason to blame myself for what had happened to her.

I suppose he's right. But still…that sense of failure hasn't left me. I should have been able to protect her. I should have been strong enough.

I can't even remember how long it took me to reach the castle and find her. In any case it had taken me too long…by the time I got there it was too late.

She'd already gone through so much suffering, so that she couldn't take it. If only I had gotten there sooner…maybe she wouldn't have killed herself.

Those thoughts continued to haunt me for years after. I tried to forget, tried to ignore the pain, tried to push away the nightmares that haunted my sleep…but always the memory was there. The memory of having failed her, the memory of the crimes I had committed as I lashed out in pain and anger.

At some point, I just accepted it: these inner demons were going to haunt me forever, and there was nothing I could do about it. I would just have to live with the pain. This was my punishment for the crimes I had committed, for the blood that was on my hands.

Until that night. The night I found her.

It had been years after the whole Gyumao incident. Sanzo and Goku hade gone back to the temple, while Gojyo and I settled in a nearby town.

That night I stayed late at school, checking test papers.

It was one of those nights; those rainy nights when I remembered Kanan more clearly than ever. In fact, that was the reason I had taken so long checking those tests.

The rain was pouring down by the time I finally left with Hakuryu, and it was pitch dark, so I could barely make out the shapes of the buildings.

In the end, it was Hakuryu who tugged at my sleeve and pointed out the alleyway.

I thought someone was waiting to attack me, so I was wary as I entered.

But then I saw a figure lying on the ground, and as I came closer I realized it was a girl, about fifteen years old. She had wounds all over her body, and appeared to have lost a lot of blood. Her clothes were torn and she was half-naked. It seemed like she had been lying there for hours.

My eyes widened and a sharp pain seared through me; for a moment I was overwhelmed as in my mind's eye I saw Kanan, lying on the ground in the same way.

But then I looked back at the girl, and a fierce determination hardened in me, just the way it did every time a girl who distinctly reminded me of Kanan was in trouble.

I would not let this girl die.

I used my chi to close her wounds, then lifted her into my arms and jumped into Hakuryu, who had already turned into a Jeep.

The windows of the doctor's house were dark as I banged on their door with my foot.

His wife opened the door, still in her nightclothes but looking awake and alert.

"Please," I said, "I found this girl lying in an alley, she's badly hurt – "

She ushered me into the house without another word and led me to the doctor's clinic, where he stood waiting – apparently they were accustomed to getting patients late at night.

I got the shock of my life as I laid her on the examination table and the doctor's wife lit a gas lamp; as the light fell across the girl's face, I saw that the girl had red hair, somewhat like Gojyo's – not only that, but she looked so much like Kanan.

It was almost more than I could take. Once again images of Kanan flashed through my mind.

The doctor glanced at me, and I stared back anxiously, praying he wasn't the kind who discriminated against taboo children.

But without another word he set to work, telling me that even though I had done a good

job on closing her wounds, but she had lost too much blood and needed a transfusion.

I donated my blood, and he began the operation.

I sat on a bench by the door and buried my face in my hands, trying to sort through the chaos that reigned in my mind. If this girl doesn't survive, I thought wildly, I'm going to go insane.

After what seemed like hours, the doctor told me she would be fine and would recover in a couple of weeks.

I breathed a sigh of relief, and the doctor gave me a strange look.

"Are you her father?" he asked.

I gazed at him in shock. "No!" I replied. "I just found her in an alley – or rather, my dragon did."

I beckoned towards Hakuryu, who lay curled up on the bench, asleep.

"Strange," he replied, "I would have said there was a family resemblance between the two of you…if not for her red hair and eyes."

Well, at least I wasn't the only one who had thought so.

"I'm afraid, though, that we won't be able to keep her here," the doctor said. "It's not a question of having enough room, but we already have three patients staying with us and my wife cannot tend to one more."

"Oh, well, in that case I suppose she can stay with me, till she recovers," I heard myself say.

The doctor smiled. "That would be very good," he replied. "We will keep her here just for today, but tomorrow you may move her to your home."
Today? I thought blankly. Then I looked out the window and realized that the sun was rising.

In a few hours, I thought wearily, I'm going to have to go back to school.

Gojyo

"You look terrible," I said frankly as Hakkai walked out of the school building. And he did. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked as though he was about to fall asleep right then and there.

It was his lunch break, and I sometimes waited for him outside the school, particularly when I was broke. Not because I lost at gambling – no one, except maybe Hakkai could beat me – but because I just hadn't felt like it. Sometimes my life was so easy I thought of getting a job. But that would mean less time with the ladies.

Hakkai just smiled his usual smile, but still it looked a little strained.

I wondered if he was all right; it had rained pretty hard last night, and rain usually reminded Hakkai of Kanan. And because of that, he usually didn't get to sleep well either. But I'd never seen him this tired…

"I stayed late checking a lot of papers," Hakkai explained. "And, well, on the way home Hakuryu spotted a girl lying in an alleyway. She was badly hurt, so I took her to the clinic. She needed a blood transfusion, and I ended up staying at the clinic till dawn to see if she was all right."

I didn't exactly know what to say to that, so I just grinned in my perverted way and asked, "Is she pretty?"
Hakkai laughed at that and replied, "She's fifteen. But yes, I suppose…"

Then he got this look in his eyes, the kind of look he had when he was thinking of Kanan. His eyes would cloud over and have this expression of infinite sadness in them…

You know how people say your eyes are the windows to your soul? I can vouch for that; no matter how much Hakkai smiles, I can always tell how he really feels by looking at his eyes.

I raised an eyebrow but decided it was better to say nothing. If it was something that really bothered him, he would tell me, sooner or later.

He seemed to have noticed the look on my face, though, so he continued, "The doctor couldn't handle having another patient at his house, so I offered to let her stay with me, till she recovers. It's strange," he added, looking at me, "the doctor thought I was her father. Because…she looked so much like Kanan."
Again I was at a loss of what to say.

There was a long silence as we continued to walk, until I said finally, "You sure you want to take her in like that, then? If she reminds you of Kanan so much?"

"What else could I do?" Hakkai replied. "I couldn't just leave her alone…especially since she looks so much like Kanan."

I didn't bother to hide the concern in my eyes as I said, "Yeah, well, don't go thinking of her as Kanan, okay? Listen, you should probably get some sleep. You look like you're going to drop dead."

"What about you?" Hakkai protested as I took him by the shoulders, turned him around and began to push him home.

"Oh, I'll probably get one of the lady restaurant owners to give me a meal on credit," I replied dismissively. "Go home, you won't be able to take care of the kid if you're exhausted."

I walked him all the way home, then gazed at the door for a couple of seconds after I had pushed him in and closed it.

"Ch," I said in disgust as my stomach rumbled, "I'm getting too soft."

Yokan

I opened my eyes.

Everything was blurry at first, and I heard a voice say, "Oh, I see you're awake!"

My vision cleared, and I saw a man smiling down at me.

I stared back in confusion and I realized I was particularly comfortable; I was on a bed. And someone was smiling at me. Smiling.

I hadn't slept on a bed in a long time. And no one had smiled at me in years. I had forgotten what it was like to be smiled at.

I had gotten glares more than anything, all my life.

I understood that.

So why was this man smiling at me? Had I died, and then ended up in Heaven? There must be some mistake then. I belonged in Hell.

"How are you feeling?" the man continued.

It took me a second to find my voice. "I don't know," I said slowly. "Comfortable."

The man laughed gently. Another surprising thing.

What was going on here?

Then the memories came flooding back.

Unclean. I was unclean now…more unclean than I thought I could be.

I had been starving. I was weak.

Otherwise I could have fought off those men easily.

I could have stopped one of them from doing what he had done.

He had been looking at me the whole time I stayed in that village…but I was off my guard. I assumed that being a taboo child, everyone would stay away, except maybe to throw stones and shout insults.

Right, I was unclean…I had gone through a lot of bad things, but I never thought this could happen to me…

I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

I never thought I could hate myself more, but now I did.

I lay in that alley for hours. The sun rose, then set again, and it began to rain.

I'd lost a lot of blood, I probably had a concussion too. My body was covered in bruises, and I was half-naked, my blouse torn in front.

But I didn't care. I was done with this.

I wanted to die.

I closed my eyes and waited in the darkness.

The rain poured down.

A/N: Okay…so, reviews would be greatly appreciated! I haven't watched the whole series yet and this is my first Saiyuki fan fic so I really would appreciate your help. Please??