TUGDSIERM
Summary: TUGDSIERM. Better known as 'The Ultimate Guide on Dealing with Socially Inept and Emotionally Retarded Men' co-written by Sakura and Tenten. Numerous tips and demonstrations included. [SasuSaku NejiTen](One-shot)
Prologue
The Ultimate Guide on Dealing with Socially Inept and Emotionally Retarded Men is a joint effort to help the rest of the female population who have to deal with these prats. After all, with men like these, is it any wonder that women go insane trying to find the only exception? We hope this manual helps you and gives you an upper hand against your socially inept and emotionally retarded man.
Happy Reading,
Haruno Sakura and Tenten, Konohagakure Kunoichi, best-selling authoresses as well as girlfriends to the two biggest ice cubes in the world. (Yes, we do mean the Uchiha Sasuke and the Hyuuga Neji….. Take that, you psycho fangirls! And yes, we made up the best-selling authoresses part, but! If this baby you hold in your hands was to be published, it would sell like hotcakes! Or like Sasuke and Neji at a slave market for girls…and maybe for boys too.)
Authoresses' note: Socially Inept and Emotionally Retarded Men are divided into five categories from Levels 5 to 1, with Level 1 being the hardest to deal with. The contents of this guide are categorized according to the level of Socially Inept and Emotionally Retarded Men. If you have no idea what level he is, we suggest you go through the whole guide.
Chapter One: The Art of Politeness
Magic words such as please and thank you are included in the Art of Politeness. This particular art also encompasses good manners such as asking about the weather and just trying to be an all-around nice person.
Example 1:
"Neji," Tenten said in the most polite manner possible, or rather, as politely as she could without kicking him in the family jewels for making her spar for the nth hour in a row. "I'm tired. Can we please just continue training tomorrow?"
He looked at her. "Hn."*
End Example
*It should be noted that the word 'Hn.' is used by a Socially Inept and Emotionally Retarded Man (SIERM) in a number of situations. It has various meanings, all of which have to be determined by you because a SIERM will not bother to explain what is meant by this word. (Yes, 'Hn' is a word. The board that is in charge of the Ninja Dictionary has added it to the Fourth Edition of the Ninja Dictionary after online voting by the public. This word won by a landslide and was the first new word to be included.) However, this word can be assumed to mean a definite 'Heck no.' in this context and in most other situations, because as SIERM, it is automatically assumed that they do not care about other people's feelings, and thus would just ignore your polite pleas or in other extreme cases, your screams of despair.
As evidenced by the example above, this strategy is not very productive at all. This is by far the least effective of all the arts in dealing with SIERM. Therefore, it is alright and actually very much encouraged to skip this particular tactic. If by any chance your SIERM can actually be dealt with using this strategy, congratulations is in order. Either that or your SIERM isn't a SIERM at all.
Chapter Two: The Art of Crocodile Tears
According to Ninjapedia, The Ninja's Free Encyclopedia, crocodile tears (or superficial sympathy) are a false or insincere display of emotion. More often than not, the Art of Crocodile Tears involves having your eyes take a bath or in layman's terms, you have to cry your eyeballs out. (Albeit we have to point out that this is simply not medically possible.)
Tip: This works best if you are an amazing actress. Your performance has to be believable. Let those waterworks flow like you were born to weep.
Warning: This tactic is not at all efficacious if your SIERM knows you too well, if you are easily readable or if your SIERM is just too much of a SIERM to care.
Example 2:
Tears started to well up in Sakura's eyes before wetting her long eyelashes and spilling down like waterfalls down her pale cheeks. She let out a whimper of despair and looked pleadingly at Sasuke.
"…." he said (Or didn't say.) And then, he turned his back on her and walked away.
End example
This stratagem works better than the Art of Politeness but is still not very practical. In fact, this ploy will most likely only have a detrimental effect on you and not affect your SIERM at all. You will most likely be annoyed that you have expended all that energy on crying and your SIERM just ignores you. Although it is not aforementioned, the fact that Haruno-san practically decimated her team's training area after the Art of Crocodile Tears was put to the test should be taken into consideration.
This tactic only works if your SIERM is feeling even the slightest bit considerate. If the level of his emotional retarded-ness is at a high level, it is best to save your energy as there will be a 99.9% that this ploy will not have efficacy. On the other hand, if this ploy is successful, kudos to you! Not only have you dealt with your SIERM, you are also one of the few to have found a SIERM with some form of empathy, A.K.A. a Level 5 SIERM.
Chapter Three: The Art of Persuasion
Persuasion is an act of convincing others. Actions such as bribing, making false promises and utilizing the power of Kawaii fall under this particular art.
Example 3:
Tenten did her ultimate best to make her doe eyes look even bigger as she pushed her bottom lip further out in a pout in order to look even more adorable. She clasped her hands together.
Neji looked at her. "…"
The puppy dog look was wiped straight off her face. "I'll train with you for an extra hour everyday for the next two weeks!" She tried again.
"Aa."*
End example
*It should be noted that in most cases, an 'Aa' can be taken to mean an affirmative response.
This artifice has up to a 30% higher success rate compared to the Art of Crocodile Tears. This is due to the fact that SIERM being SIERM are selfish pricks so they will of course, be more willing to agree with your requests when you can offer something to their benefit. It should be noted however, that making deals with SIERM are not encouraged as you are practically making deals with the devil.
The act of being adorable however, is wasted on SIERM as evidenced by the example above. In truth, this particular action of acting kawaii has only worked once out of God-only-knows-how-many-times. Even then, that one time was a heaven-sent miracle because Tenten-san managed to catch her SIERM when he was in a good mood. It must be pointed out that good moods and SIERMS together is a seldom occurrence and is classified as a rare phenomenon of nature, thus explaining why it is a heaven-sent miracle. Therefore, it is by all means alright to omit adorableness when dealing with your SIERM using the Art of Persuasion.
This ploy is effective only on Level 4 SIERM.
Chapter 4: The Art of Seduction.
Ninjapedia states that seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person to engage and originates from Latin, literally meaning 'to lead astray'. There are a number of ways to seduce someone whether through sexual temptation, intelligence, allure or just by being totally awesome. Seducing through sexual temptation is probably the most desperate action in the Art of Seduction and we do not really recommend it.
Example 4:
Example 4 which demonstrates the Art of Seduction has been removed due to personal reasons, i.e. objections from certain parties (cough-SIERM-cough). It is enough to tell you, dear readers, that it works. (And pretty well too, if we might add….. We leave the rest up to your imagination.)
End example
The Art of Seduction is a very adept method to use when dealing with your SIERM, especially on Level 3 SIERM. It offers up to a 70% rate of success. Albeit it should be noted that the mood your SIERM is in plays a very important role as this wile works best when the SIERM is in need of company. Ergo, this should not, we repeat should not be used if your SIERM looks about ready to chidori or kaiten someone else to very depths of hell.
Chapter 6: The Art of Blackmail
According to The Ninja Dictionary, blackmail – pronounced [blak-meyl] is defined as any payment extorted by intimidation, as by threats of injurious revelations or accusations.
Example 5:
Sakura gritted her teeth in frustration. She was more than mad. She was pissed. "Sasuke," she said every syllable of his name slowly, as though it was akin to gargling poison in her mouth. "I swear, if you do not let me eat at this very instant," She hissed at him vehemently, "I will punch a chakra-infused fist at your tomato patch in your vegetable garden and I will, I repeat, I will leave behind a huge crater and make sure your vegetable lovers," Sakura practically spat out the word, "never see the light of day again."
Mentally, Sasuke cowered in fear but of course being the SIERM that he is, all he said was, "Aa."
End Example
This feint is the second most effective of all the arts in dealing with your SIERM. Its success rate is statistically proven to be over 90%. This tactic should be practiced when having to deal with Level 2 SIERM.
Chapter 6: The Art of PMS
PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual syndrome. Throwing hissy fits are very much encouraged in this art. Insulting him and his humanity are very much recommended.
Tip: Insulting your SIERM's manhood in the most screechy and nagging voice possible is a guarantee for success. E.g. "I pity the man that's going to marry you!" and "Is it any wonder that your clan hasn't been restored yet?"
Example 6:
No example necessary.
End Example
This tactic is reserved for Level 1 SIERM such as Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke. Full 100% triumph rate guaranteed when using this fine art.
No other explanations are imperative for the Art of PMS. This masterful skill speaks for itself.
Don't believe us? Try it out for yourself and see a miracle unfold before your very eyes. Good luck!
Not that you'll be needing it.
-The End-
A/N: This is my first Naruto fanfiction in 4 years. I'm looking to improve my writing so any constructive criticism and feedback is very much welcome. Tell me what you think, kay? Please review and make an authoress happy. :)