A Perfect Day
A/N: I realized last night that I haven't hyperventilated in a few months. And even though last fall was hell, now I'm feeling suddenly way better compared to how I felt back then. So yeah, in this fic Ed is just like me with his situation. : D Though I don'thave Roy to make my life perfect… Maybe I will have my own Roy someday, you never know. Hope you'll like it!
Ed smiled as the door was opened and he saw Roy walking in, carrying two grocery bags in his hands. "Hey," Ed said to him. "Hi. Are you going to just stand there? Because I could really use some help you know.." Ed grinned. "Let me think about it…" Roy snorted and Ed grabbed the food bags and carried them into the kitchen, starting to unpack them. Roy followed him soon enough, loosing up the sleeves of his shirt. He watched at Ed for a while before saying: "You seem to be in a good mood today… something special happened?"
Ed glanced at him smiling, looking a bit excited. "Well… not exactly. I just figured out something…" Roy got himself a glass of water, glancing at Ed. "Oh really? What did you figure out then?" Ed was quiet for a while, obviously trying to get Roy's full attention. Which he had always, not knowing that he would ever have to even try to have it. "I realized that it has been already two months since the last time I hyperventilated. And then I realized too that I've been quite… you know, mentally stable past these few months."
"Oh…? Well, that is true. You think it's thanks to the therapy?" Ed nodded, smiling. "Yeah. At first it was really hard to say anything to that man, I didn't even know him. But after him asking questions and me answering them, we kind of started to get along. Last time I went there I actually laughed when we were talking about my childhood, the time when mom and… Al were still alive." Roy looked surprised. "You really have improved a lot from the fall. I'm really glad. We should celebrate this somehow! I could go and get some champagne maybe…" Ed laughed, shook his head. "That's really not needed. It's not that big a deal."
Roy glanced at Ed, putting the glass down before he grabbed Ed's shoulders, squeezed them gently. "Of course it is. I remember damn well what a mess you were back then… And I'm really happy that you're getting better and better. You were lost and now you're found. To me that sure is something worth celebrating." Ed smiled a bit. Somehow Roy always seemed to be able to find the correct words to say… "Fine then, let's celebrate." Roy's hand rose, stroking a bit Ed's hair. "Only if you want to." Ed nodded.
"I do. Really." Roy smiled. "So it's settled then!"
And so it was. They drank champagne and ate cake (which Roy had also bought) and watched some movie which was coming from the TV. They were talking about the past, all the good things and laughing and enjoying themselves. When the bottle of champagne was almost empty, Roy glanced at Ed, seeing the relaxed, satisfied look in his eyes. "You know… Living with you has been quite… nice." Ed laughed.
"Sure…" Roy snorted a bit. "Well, I have to admit that the first weeks and months weren't the best ones for neither of us. But I wouldn't change any of it. You needed someone to be there for you. And I wanted to make even a part of your pain go away… And now, as you said yourself, you've been really stable. Maybe you'll be able to live on your own soon enough…" Ed glanced at Roy and even though he was feeling a little tipsy, he noticed the sad look on his face. "Well, I don't think I'm ready to leave yet," Ed said, trying to cheer up the atmosphere. It was true, even though he had been stable for quite some time now, he wouldn't know when he would break down again. And when he did, he needed someone to be there for him.
"Yeah, I know… But you will still leave someday. Makes me kind of, well… sad. I've always lived alone and I had gotten used to it. I never, ever thought I'd end up living with you from all of the people… But now… I've gotten so used to it. I'll be lonely when you leave," Roy said and laughed a bit, quickly, nervously, as if he was wondering had he really said that all out loud. "You could get another roommate… When I leave. Or maybe you should just get in a serious relationship… That would be nice, wouldn't it? I sure wouldn't mind if I wouldn't have to sleep alone every single night," Ed said and laughed in the same way Roy had.
Ed glanced at Roy, seeing that he was staring at Ed with a serious look on his face. "What?" Roy bit his lip. "I don't want to have another roommate. Or a relationship with someone. I want you to be my roommate… I want to be the one to sleep with you every single night." Ed's mouth opened but no words were coming out. He stared at Roy in disbelief. "Are you serious?" Roy nodded. "I am. Remember that time when you broke down totally and you cried and I held you? I really wanted to kiss you that night. I wanted to be like that, to hold you. And I felt so useless when I wasn't able to do anything at all when I just wished that I would make you feel alright… I was thinking that it was just some stupid whim of mine… But after that night, I guess I… started to have feelings for you. I dreamt of you. In those dreams you were always free of all your pain, laughing…"
Ed didn't know what to say. It all felt so unreal so… unbelievable. But good too. And when thinking about it, Ed realized that he felt different around Roy. Different from anyone else. Ed felt that he was safe, happy… He wanted to feel that way. But… "You don't want me," Ed whispered. "I'm nothing but this fucking mess… I'd only cause you trouble, I have already done that enough… You're better off without me."
Ed stared at his hands. Roy had only cared and looked out for him because he felt like he had to. He couldn't really want Ed… It just… didn't go that way. And then Roy pulled in a hug. "Trust me. I do want you. You haven't caused me trouble; I chose to take care of you. Without you… I would be exactly like I was before you moved in here. I would drown myself in work because there's nothing better in my life. My free time I would spend my drinking too much and trying to make everyone believe that I'm an idiot whose only thought is: 'when's the next time I get laid'? Look… I think I've been a fucking mess too. I was before… all this happened. Before you really became a part of my life. I can't imagine myself without you anymore. I don't even want to. You make me feel like I have a meaning in this world. You make everything – every day - feel remarkable."
Ed glanced at Roy. "Really…?" Roy nodded. "I swear… But I get it that you don't feel the same, it's totally alright…" Ed smiled a bit. What did it matter if Ed was a mess? It didn't. Because Roy made him forget about that. He remembered all those times when he had talked with his therapist, Mark, about Roy. Mark thought that Roy was the best thing in Ed's life right now. And now finally Ed realized that he was right. "I… think about you all the time."
Roy lifted his head, glancing at Ed, looking hopeful and vulnerable at the same time. Ed's heartbeat fastened. There he was, Roy Mustang, being completely vulnerable in front of him. No masks to hide his true self. This was him, giving himself to Ed, being ready to be shattered. Ed could do it if he wanted to. He knew he didn't want to. But could he be strong enough to be as vulnerable in front of Roy? Would he dare to offer everything of him for Roy, knowing that he could break Ed easily if he would do that? He had to. Somehow Ed felt that a moment like this wouldn't wait, it wouldn't come again. He wouldn't let it pass him by. He wanted to be happy. And he wanted Roy to be happy too. He couldn't do that if he would chicken out now. "You make my life meaningful too. I want to be with you. Really. If you really want me…"
Roy smiled. "Of course I do. You know, I kind of feel like this is something we should have done ages ago." Ed laughed and he was just about to say something when Roy suddenly pressed his lips against Ed's own and kissed him gently, passionately, it was a kiss with full of promises. Ed knew that he still had a long way to go. And he knew that he would never be ready. But now he had something worth fighting for, something that would keep him moving on. And Ed had a feeling that it would be easy to move on now that he knew Roy was there by his side, that he wanted to be there and he would be there. It was the perfect day after all those long, dark, hopelessness days which Ed had lived through with Roy. Now… he had a feeling that everything would change. Into something even more better. And finally Ed let himself to be happy. After all, it seemed to be the perfect day for being happy. His hand on Roy's that assured that Ed was right.