Author's Note: This is what happens when you spend a whole afternoon watching Merlin videos and crying because you miss it so much. I don't usually try this style of writing and this fic is basically a bunch of feels and weird sentences. The title comes from The National's song "Fireproof". I'm not a native speaker; therefore, if there is a mistake or something wrong, don't hesitate and leave a comment. Feed-back is always welcomed.
"You tell me you're waiting to find someone who isn't so hopeless but there's no 're fireproof"
you tell me you're waiting to find someone
He is gone and you scream that you can't lose him.
You couldn't lose him. You couldn't. You can't. But you scream and yell. You roar and whisper until your throat is sore and your voice is just a little whine. You scream because he's your best friend and you can't lose him. You scream because this is your nightmare, this is your hell. You can't lose him but you have. You lost him. He's gone. Your best friend. Your brother. Your family. Your past. Your present. Your future. Your destiny. Your love. Your magic. Your soul. You.
You have lost your magic because you used it only for him. Only for him. You have lost your soul because you were like two sides of the same coin.
It feels like someone has blown up half of your body. You are now half of your past self, walking around like a monster thirsty for something that is asleep at the bottom of an endless lake. Walking around like a coin with one side burnt and the other under water.
You don't remember falling asleep, with your face wet by tears and your cold hands shaking like a motherless child, but when you wake up, the sun is a dim light between the clouds. You see the water and the trees, the birds and the rocks. You take a deep breath and throw up everything your weak body has inside.
You are ancient. Powerful. Magical. Endless.
And here you are. Defeated. Waiting for a greater task, a bigger turn of your destiny that has played with your life so many times.
That is what you tell yourself while you clean your tears and the bile out of your mouth. It's easier that way. You blame your destiny for giving you the greatest joy and the most unthinkable pain. You want to curse it for leading you to Camelot. To Gaius. Freya. Gwaine. Lancelot. Morgana. Gwen. A…
You can't lose him. He's your friend.
You want to blame anything but you can't. This is your fault. Yours and his.
Two sides but just one coin.
Your actions have tossed a coin to that lake but just the gold side of it. The other side has been cut out of it. The other was left aside to stay waiting for the gold side. That coin can't shine without the other side. It doesn't have any worth. It's not valuable any more.
You can't stay there. You can't die there.
You become something else. You walk and walk. You don't stay here or there because you can't die here or there. You break all the promises you made. But he didn't want you to change. He wanted you to always be you. But who are you? What are you now?
You are your words. You are your words and your magic.
But you only used your magic for him and your throat is tired of screaming.
You are endless. You are fireproof.
People tried to burn all the magic. People tried to drown the spark of ignition under water.
But your lungs are machines that never stop. They breathe in and breathe out without your permission. Unaware of your will.
You are fireproof and you are magic. You are endless and you are miles away from home.
Home.
Home is death but you cannot reach it. You have lived and you have lived. You have lived and you will live until A…
You can't lose him. He's your friend.
You walk and eat. You sleep and bleed.
But you are your magic, you are fireproof. People can't kill you, they cannot burn you alive.
You have waited for too long and your lungs are machines, and your bones are steel, bound together against your desires.
You are ancient. You are magic. You are endless. You are fireproof.
You've waited for too long.
Who are you?
He doesn't want you to change.
Who are you?
You can't remember any more.
Who are you?
You don't remember falling asleep, with your face wet by tears and your cold hands shaking like a motherless child, but when you wake up that day, the whole coin hits you in the face. Stabs you in the heart. Brings your soul back.
You couldn't lose him. You can't.
You haven't.
Arthur.