Title: It's all I Have
Author: IRunIWriteILive
Ships: Alex/Olivia
Summary: Three years ago Alex was shot. Three years ago Alex and Olivia parted ways, unwilling as it was. Now Alex is back. How did each women change in the others absence and will they be able to become what they once were?
Authors Note: Hi, my name is IRunIWriteILive and while this is my first posting in this domain I have been an avid writer for just about four years now. I have stuck to mostly fanfiction stories, with interests in Rizzoli and Isles and NCIS (I have not posted stories in either). This is my first attempt at a full length fic and I can promise you that it will be a journey, both for the characters, my audience and my self. I crave reviews so I can better myself as an author (which is my ultimate goal). Without further adieu, I will allow you to read:
DISCLAIMER: Let's stop and think about this for a moment, seriously, if I owned Law and Order: Special Victims Unit would I be on here? If you think that I would, by all means sue me, you'll get NOTHING.
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Soft music played in the background as Olivia Benson hummed quietly along with the song, her focus contained to the meal she was currently preparing. In her hand she wielded an extremely sharp knife that she was using to slice through an array of vegetables, which would soon be put into a pan and then into the oven to be baked. As she did this, still humming the same tune even though the song had turned, a single tear streaked down the detectives face.
Wiping the lone tear with a quick wipe of a gloved hand, Olivia pushed the uprising of thoughts back down and focused on preparing the spices for the pork she had bought earlier in the evening. Paprika, cumin and garlic powder were just a few of the spice she retrieved from the spice cabinet and proceeded to combine into a fine mixture.
The reason why Detective Olivia Benson was so focused on not thinking and rather the mindless task of preparing such an elaborate dinner was because today was an anniversary. It wasn't a relationship anniversary, she hadn't been in a relationship (not a serious one anyway) for three years. It wasn't work related, she hadn't joined NYPD in March (she had joined in August) and she had joined SVU in May of the following year. No, this was a rather depressing anniversary and perhaps it was the only event that Olivia actually cared about, willingly (Elliot made sure she remembered his birthday by repeating it was 'coming up' a good month before hand).
Today was the day that Alexandra Cabot got shot.
Today was the day that the one good thing, the best part of Olivia's life was ruined.
Today was the day that Alex was admitted into witness protection and Olivia was left alone, with a giant penthouse and a Doberman, all to herself.
For the first few months Olivia had spent more time at work then she did inside the penthouse, only coming home to take Duke for walks and those would last well into the early hours of the morning. At one point over the first four months of Alex's absence Olivia went two entire weeks without sleeping at their, her, apartment. She slept in one of the crib beds or her desk and rarely ate more than a sandwich and a few cups of coffee during the day.
It had taken an intervention of sorts, performed by Elliot and with some help from Mother Nature, to make Olivia realize that she could move on. Elliot had watched, for months, as his best friend tried to deal with the fact that Alex was gone. He had suspected that they were more than friends and this was confirmed later by Alex, rather than Olivia. He knew that Olivia was trying her best to recover from the loss but he also knew that she was struggling. Finally, just when it looked like Olivia was about to keel over from a combination of exhaustion (mental and physical), she had gotten a case of the good ol' fashion flu. While Olivia had sitting in bed, sick from exhaustion, Elliot had taken it upon himself to make sure his best friend knew that she would get past all of this, maybe not entirely by partially:
"Liv." Elliot said, his voice soft as he entered his partners pitch black bedroom.
He knew that was only faking to be asleep because she didn't want to hear what he was about to say next. Not that he cared of course, she needed to hear it, needed to know that she couldn't keep living like this. She needed help and as the best friend it was his duty to say this. So, turning on the bedside lamp and sitting at the end of the bed he waited while Olivia turned around to face him.
Her eyes were bloodshot and dark circles surrounded them, her face was sallow and her skin pale, she seemed like a shell of the detective he knew "Olivia." He said "You're killing yourself."
She looked away.
"Fine." He said "You don't have to talk and frankly I think I have more to say than you're going to want to hear." He paused, gauging her reaction before continuing "I know that you and Alex were close."
Olivia couldn't help but let out a sharp, humorless, laugh "We were dating Elliot." She corrected him, without meeting his eyes.
"I know." He confessed "And I know that her" he searched for the right word "Absence" he settled on finally "shattered you. When you were with her, you were happy all the time, you were getting sleep, eating, going home, you had someone to take care of you and someone to take care of. You were happy and even though you didn't tell me, I was happy because you were happy. After Alex left, you changed and it kills me to see you like this."
No response.
So Elliot plowed on "You're not sleeping, not eating, you're not as efficient at work. Don't give me that look" he said, as Olivia glared at him and opened her mouth to object "because you know it's true. You're my best friend Liv and I don't care if I have to move in with you, I'm not letting you do this to yourself any more."
There was a long silence, Elliot looked at Olivia and Olivia looked away before finally Olivia spoke, her words choked with tears as she no longer fought to keep them bottled up "I miss her so much." She whispered, to finally speak the words made it feel like a weight was lifted off her shoulders.
For the past four months Olivia had silently coped, or tried to cope, with the fact that Alex, her love, her lover, was gone. For four months Olivia was oblivious to the hole she was falling into. For four months Olivia just tried to survive.
"I know." Elliot replied, wrapping one arm around his friends shoulders and pulling her into him. Right now he didn't care about the intimacy that the gesture provoked, she was his friend and she needed him and fuck everyone who thought he would turn a cold shoulder to that "I know you do Liv." He whispered "But there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I promise you there is and I will help you get there."
"Light at the end of the tunnel." Olivia repeated out loud as she sealed the spice covered pork in a zip-lock bag and placed it inside the fridge to marinate "Some tunnel." She said, it had now been four years (to the day) that Alex had been shot and sub sequentially gone into the Witness Protection Program. It was on the anniversary of this day that Olivia actually put effort into dinner. She made the same meal every year, Alex's favorite when the two of them had time to actually cook, and it was the one day of the year when Olivia allowed herself to be all emotional about Alex being gone.
Not that Olivia wasn't emotional on other days during the year, like Alex's birthday, or the day that they first went out on a date. On Alex's birthday Olivia buys roses, twelve of them, and then goes to the cemetery where Alex is 'buried.' Even though she knows that Alex isn't actually dead, being here, near her, it made her feel close to her girlfriend. When that night rolls around, the one that Olivia remembers as the time her and Alex finally stopped dancing and took that next step with each other, Olivia goes to the bar where they went out. She goes and drinks and talks to the bartender who still remembers the first time she and Alex went there.
Moving from the kitchen to the balcony, where the grill was, Olivia put the pork on the grill, then leaned against the railing and looking at the skyline. Herself and Alex had spent many nights, intertwined in each others arms, protecting each other from the world. Enjoying each other. Loving each other.
A wet nose on her hand dragged Olivia's attention out of her thoughts and back to the present, where Duke was now sitting next to her "Hey Duke." Olivia said, rubbing the Doberman's head gently.
Getting a dog, especially Duke, had not been Olivia's idea in the slightest. Alex had simply come home one day after work and following in her trail was the biggest Doberman Olivia had ever seen. It had taken Olivia a little more than a week to get used to the presence of the dog. Thankfully he was housetrained but his booming bark still made her jump. It was only now, now that Olivia was alone again, that she realized how stupid it was that she hadn't gotten a dog sooner. Having someone, something, to come home to was nice. In fact for a long while after Alex had been gone, it was only because Duke needed to get walked that Olivia would come home.
"I think" Olivia said to Duke "The food is almost done."
Two minutes later Olivia used the silver tongs to remove the pork off the girl and migrate back into the kitchen where she placed the veggies and pork on a plate before going out to the living room. The entire time Duke had been following her, his dark eyes glued to the plate, as if he was hoping that somehow Olivia would drop the plate he would be able to eat it. After setting the plate down and casting a warning glance in Duke's direction Olivia darted back into the kitchen to pour herself a much needed glass of wine
On top of this being the anniversary of Alex getting shot, Olivia had spent all morning following a paper trail and then a good chunk of the afternoon chasing down a rapist. They had spent the better part of two weeks trying locate a rapist by the name of Charles Creek. After all of the surveillance, search warrants and other crap that Elliot and Olivia had been through, it all came down to a car chase, followed by a foot chase. Lucky for Olivia she got to chase Creek down.
It was actually quite an impressive catch on her part, vaulting two low standing walls, weaving through a crowd before taking Creek down, football style. Sure she had a few bruises forming but the look on Creek's face when he saw he had been taken down by a female cop was priceless. That and Elliot had bet her coffee for a week that he would cuff the guy.
With a full week of free, not precinct brewed, coffee coming her way and the weather finally seemed to be steadily above sixty degrees, I might just be reaching the end of the tunnel, Olivia thought to herself as she stood up, empty plate in hand.
As she ventured back into the kitchen, Duke still following her still hoping to get a scrap of meat off of her plate, a sharp knock on her front door made Olivia hesitate. Even thought it was still early in the evening, she wasn't expecting anybody and in her line of work, having people you don't expect knocking on your door was a bad thing.
However, Duke's hackles weren't raised and instead of bearing his razor sharp teeth, his head was cocked sideways and there was some kind of expression that made Olivia feel like this wasn't an imposter. That gut feeling aside Olivia still grabbed her SIG and walked slowly and quietly towards the door. Just as she was about to peer out of the peephole she heard a familiar voice say "Elliot said she'd gone home for the night, maybe she's out somewhere else."
"We can go back to the hotel and come back tomorrow."an unfamiliar male voice said
"I suppose." The same familiar voice said, the tone seemed upset, dejected.
Olivia's heart was racing, her pulse thudding loudly as her brain scrambled to figure out what the hell was going on. That voice, she hadn't heard for three years.
She flung open the door, gun still in her hand and, seeing the person walking back towards the elevator bank she shouted desperately "Alex, wait!"
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Welcome to the end of chapter one.
Rough around the edges as it probably was I would greatly appreciate any and all advice that you have to offer. Or, if you don't want to give me any advice at all, just lemme know if my portrayal of the characters is accurate. Or, if that doesn't tickle your fancy, you could, ummm, I dunno, give me kittens or something.
IRunIWriteILive