"You named a star after me?" I had asked, surprised.
"No, I thought about that but then I named it Finn Hudson, because there is already a star called Rachel Berry and she's right here on Earth and she's brighter than any of those stars up there. So I wanted to make sure that whenever she feels lonely, she can look up at the sky and no matter where I am, she can know that I'm looking down on her" Finn had replied, love in every word.
That was one of the sweetest things Finn had ever said to me or done for me. I remembered the way he looked at me, the way his lips would pull up into a lopsided, goofy grin, and the way he would gaze into my eyes, like I was the only thing in his world. Like I was the only thing that mattered.
That's part of who he is-was. He always put other people first. He could have been having the worst day in existence but the minute someone he cared about was having a bad day, he would swallow his anger or hurt and put on a smile, eager to cheer them up.
I broke into a fit of sobs. He couldn't be gone! He just couldn't! I wiped furiously at my red, puffy eyes and walked into the funeral home. Life had to go on, even though a significant part of me had died with him. He was the love of my life.
Once in the room, I looked around at all of the sullen, puffy-eyed faces. I had to do something, say something to make everyone feel a bit better. He would have wanted me to.
"Hey" I greeted sadly, walking up to the pianist and giving him some sheet music.
"For Finn" I replied quietly as the pianist began playing.
I took a deep breath, trying to choke down the tears that were threatening to fall. I had to do this, WE had to do this. For Finn. For each other. I began singing, more timid than usual.
Live your life to the fall
With a lifetime of smiles
Made us know right from wrong
Always knowing a lie
You made us to be tough
But never too rough
Rise above what you said
Never easily lead.
And one day we'll all sing along
Other members of the former Glee club got up from their pews and stood beside me, joining in, singing quietly in the background.
'Cause this is your song
I wrote it for you
It won't take all day
Just a minute or two
You were a friend
Walk with you to the end
And one day we'll all sing along
'Cause this is your song
I began getting lost in the song and began to sing a bit louder. I know it sounds weird, but in that moment, I wasn't singing to a packed funeral home. I was singing to Finn.
So I'll try and go on
Loving all that we know
Through the hardest of times
you put on a show
You made us stand tall
When all around us would fall
Even when you were alone
You believed you could fly
It was as if the others could feel it too, as they began to sing louder themselves.
And one day we'll all sing along
'Cause this is your song
We wrote it for you
It'll take all our lives
Just to help us get through
You were a friend
Walk with you to the end
And one day we'll all sing along
'Cause this is your song
We stood there for a minute, before moving to sit in our pews again. All except Quinn, who began to cry uncontrollably.
Quinn and I had never really gotten along since she had spent so much time bullying me, trying to sabotage my relationship with Finn, the Glee club, my mother, or since we had spent so much time bickering over Finn. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was about time for those days to come to an end. I did something that seemed to surprise everyone around me. I walked up to her and hugged her tightly, allowing her to cry on my shoulder.
We stood like that for a minute before separating, at which time I sat down again. Quinn gave me a small smile and sat down beside me in my pew. I gave her my best attempt at a smile. The rest of the service I sat there staring straight ahead, not really seeing, my body on autopilot. The only reason I knew I was still breathing is because my heart still hurt and I was still surrounded with mourning family and friends.
I was shaken from my trance-like state at the end of the service as I approached the open casket, seeing Finn for what I realized was the final time. I couldn't say goodbye, I just couldn't. I won't.
"I love you" I whispered, taking off my Finn necklace and placing it in his cold hand, tears falling freely down my cheeks.