Hello people! Warrior Kitty here with a new one-shot! As you can see from the title, I think it's pretty obvious what this is about. Yes, this is a song fic, just with no singing, unfortunately. Yes, this is based off the song "Dumb Ways to Die". It's a pretty popular video and I absolutely love the song and the video because it's hilarious. But one day, my mind wondered and I started watching the video and imagined the Smashers singing and doing all the stupid and dangerous things in it and you know how it ends.
So, without further ado, let's begin this! Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't not own the concept of dying in dumb ways. That belongs to Metro. I also don't own the characters, that goes to Nintendo.
Dumb Ways to Die
Mario was sitting in the living room of the Smash Mansion, watching tv. Today seemed to be one of those rare, normal days for nothing much was happening. That is, until Peach burst through the front door with a torn up Luigi.
"Mario!" She shouted in panic. Mario turned and quickly became panicked at the sight of his broken brother.
"Peach, what happened to Luigi?!" He asked.
"I don't know." Peach responded. "But I saw him run out of the forest with a bear attacking him."
"A bear?" Mario said questioningly but shook it off. "Okay. I better get him to the infirmary."
(Page Break)
Luigi groaned and blinked open his eyes. He saw that he was now in the mansion's infirmary. Mario, who was now in his doctor uniform, was patching up his injuries. The red plumber saw that his brother was awake and faced him.
"Luigi, you alright?" He asked.
"No..." Luigi mumbled in pain.
"What were you doing in he forest and why was a bear chasing you?" Mario continued to question.
"I was just taking a walk around in the woods but I came across the bear laying on the ground. It wasn't moving, so I thought it was dead. To make sure, I poked it with a stick. Apparently, it wasn't dead."
Mario remained silent as he took in what his brother just said. He blinked and looked back at Luigi. "In what way would poking a bear with a stick be a good idea, no matter what?" The infirmary door suddenly opened and Kirby walked in. "Kirby, what're you doing here?" The plumber asked.
"I heard that Luigi was mauled by a bear, so I came to help!" The puffball responded with a smile.
"Look Kirby, I appreciate the help, but I really-"
"Hey, a snack!" Kirby hopped up on a chair and took a container of medicine pills from a shelf. Seeing this, Mario's eyes widened in panic.
"Wait don't eat those! They're-" The puffball opened the container and dumped a bunch of the pills in his mouth. Almost immediately, many lumps appeared all over his body and Kirby put on a sick, uncomfortable expression and dropped the medicine container. "...out of date..." Mario finished with a deadpanned expression. Now Kirby was sitting on a bed as the red plumber put a thermometer in his mouth.
Mario looked his temperature over and scribbled something down on a clipboard. "Okay, you aren't in danger regarding health." He said. "You just need to wait to get those pills out of your system once they digest. Then you'll be fine." There was a knocking on the door and it opened. Fox poked his head in and soon spotted the plumber.
"Mario, do you have any casts or gauze tape?" The pilot asked. Mario gave him a strange look and raised an eyebrow.
"Um, can I ask why...?"
Fox chuckled nervously. "Let's just say that Falco dared me to walk into a pond...full of piranhas."
Mario's eyes now widened when he heard this. "Are you alright?"
"Uh...yeah. I only got a minor flesh wound; not that bad." Fox finally walked in fully, revealing his entire body from the waist down was nothing but bare bone with a couple of piranhas still biting on him. Mario stared wide eyed at his condition and sighed.
"Go sit on that bed over there..." He mumbled. Fox nodded and did as he was told. But as soon as the pilot, a scream sounded from outside. The plumber peeked outside into the hallway curiously only to have Roy run past in panic, his hair burning in flames.
"MY HEAD! IT'S ON FIRE! DEAR NAGA, IT'S ON FIRE! SOMEONE HELP ME!" The general shouted. Marth then came running after his friend.
"I said specifically not to mess with the hair dryer near the sink, but do you ever listen to me? No!" The prince called and soon the two Fire Emblem characters disappeared around a hall corner. Mario stared quietly where they left and blinked. He then pace-palmed and went back inside the infirmary.
"The things that go on in this mansion..." He muttered.
(Page Break)
As Luigi, Kirby, Fox, and now Roy lay on beds in the infirmary, Mario was going through some cabinets to find some things that he needed to cure them. The door opened again and Pichu entered. "If you're here to taunt the injured smashers again, can you do that later?" Mario told the little pokemon without looking away from the cabinet.
"I'm not." Pichu responded. "I just wanna tell you that Pikachu got hurt trying to get his toast out of the toaster, so I'm dropping him off here."
"How bad is he?" Mario asked, now looking at her. Pichu stepped out of the and the skeleton of a Pikachu trudged in. Everyone in the room was silent as they stared at him in shock.
"Please don't say a word." The skeleton, who was indeed Pikachu, growled and he walked over and hopped up on one of the beds. They all remained silent for a moment as they stared at him.
"You used a fork, didn't you?" Mario finally asked. Suddenly, the lights shut off, leaving the infirmary in darkness.
"W-What happened?!" Luigi asked in panic as he looked around with scared eyes.
"Looks like the mansion's lights blew a fuse." Mario observed. "Someone's gonna have go to the power box and fix that." At the current moment, a certain robot and a certain Hocotate captain stood in the basement of the Smash Mansion. The robot fiddled with the wires in the power box as the captain looked at him nervously.
"Rob, are you sure you know what you're doing?" Olimar asked.
"Of course!" Rob replied and shut the power box as he finished. "I am a robot after all, so I know my way around with electrical work. Watch." Rob then rolled over to the wall of the basement and flipped on the light switch, causing the lights to turn back on in the mansion. That is, until every single electrical object and outlet burst into flames around the mansion.
No more than ten minutes later, all the fires were put out. Currently, Mario was spraying down the last little flame in the infirmary with a fire extinguisher as charred Olimar and Rob now sat in beds along with the other patients. "This is why you don't mess around with the power box cluelessly." The plumber scolded as he put the extinguisher down. "Because chaos like this is the outcome!"
"Don't worry, we know that now..." The robot mumbled.
"I mean, seriously, what if-"
The door to the infirmary opened again and Mega Man walked in. The problem was, however, his head was disassembled from his body and he held it in his hands. Mario stared at him silently for a moment. "...Should I ask?" He finally said.
"Tried to fly a plane by myself." The blue bomber replied. "It didn't end well..."
"I can see that." Mario murmured. "Sit on that bed over there." Mega Man walked over and sat on one of the beds, but before Mario could even to check to see if he was okay, Link stumbled into the infirmary. He looked really sick and had a bunch of vomit on his face and around his mouth.
"Whatever you do, don't eat a chicken pot pie that's been sitting outside for two days." He sputtered to the rest of them. "It's not a good idea..."
(Page Break)
"I'm really starting to question the decisions you guys make." Mario said as he gave Link medicine for eating a rotten pie.
"Ya know, we're smashers." Roy said matter-of-factly. "It's only natural for us to do stupid things."
"I wish we did have better common sense most of the time." Pikachu mumbled. Just then, the door opened and Diddy Kong walked in, dragging a trash bag with him.
"What's wrong Diddy?" Mario asked. "And what's with the trash bag?"
"I found it at the front of the mansion. I think you should take a look at what's inside, though." The monkey opened the bag and dumped it out. Game and Watch then tumbled out unconscious on the floor. Mario and Diddy stared down at him.
"What happened?" The plumber finally asked. The monkey only replied with a shrug. Mario then spotted a note tapped to the 2D figure and took it off and read it over. This outta teach you not to scratch up my brand new ride! You owe me! - Drug dealer. Was what was written on it. Mario blinked and shook his head in shame. "Sometimes I wonder..."
"Wait, how does GW know a drug dealer?" Kirby asked in surprise and confusion. A knock was heard at the door once more and everyone turned to see Toony poking his head in and looking at all of them.
"Hey, have you guys seen Ness?" He asked. "We're playing hide n' seek, but I can't find him anywhere." In the laundry room, the dryer was running and drying a load of cloths that Peach had just put in there. What she didn't know, however, was the PSI user tumbling inside it, screaming with panic.
(Page Break)
Luigi, Kirby, Roy, Fox, Pikachu, Mega Man, Olimar, Rob, Link, GW, and now Ness all sat on their beds as Mario was flipping through a doctor's magazine. The door to the infirmary opened once more and Captain Falcon dragged in a passed out Snake. The plumber looked at him in surprise. "Erm, what happened?"
"Snake found a rattle snack outside and tried to keep it as a pet." The racer replied. "It didn't work out too well." Mario finally spotted the brown, diamond-patterned snake biting onto the soldier's face. He sweat dropped and shook his head.
"I can't clearly see that." He said. "Put him on that bed over there." Captain Falcon nodded and continued to drag Snake across the infirmary. As this went on, Marth walked through the door and entered, dragging a stiff-as-a-statue Ike with him. Mario raised an eyebrow as he saw this, but soon spotted the tube of super glue that was gripped in the mercenary's hands. "No need to explain. Just put him on one of the beds."
Marth nodded and dragged Ike with him across the room. Before Mario could check up on the two new patients, a blue blur rushed inside. Sonic stood in front of Mario with an excited smile on his face. "Mario, you couldn't guess what just happened to me!" The hedgehog said.
"What happened?" The plumber replied.
Sonic then pulled out a huge wad of dollars. "I just sold something of mine to some dude on the internet and got about two thousand dollars. I'm rich!"
"What'd you sell?"
"Oh, just both of my kidneys." Sonic then turned to reveal to red scars on both of his sides where his said organs were removed. Mario stared at him in shock.
"You literally removed both your kidneys when you have no idea how to do so just so you could sell them on the internet?"
"You're point? I didn't need them anyway." Sonic then started to sway on his feet. He lost all consciousness and flopped face-first on the ground in front of the plumber. Mario stared down at the hedgehog and sighed. "I'm really starting to wonder how any of you are still alive."
(Page Break)
There was a knock on the infirmary door and Mario, how was trying to see if he could buy any kidneys online for Sonic, groaned loudly in annoyance. "Who is it?!" He shouted toward the door. It creaked open and Pichu walked in again, this time dragging Yoshi. The dinosaur was wearing a hat that had moose antlers on it and had many scars on him.
"If you wanna know, we were out in the woods and we found out it was hunting season." The little pokemon said and threw her friend on one of the beds. She turned and started to head out the door. "You can figure out the rest from there." Just as she left, Pit walked inside as well, covered in many bees.
"Disturbed a nest?" Mario asked.
"Disturbed a nest." The angel nodded.
"Sit over there."
When Pit sat on one of the infirmary beds, door opened once more and this time, Peach walked in and broken looking Falco, Bowser, and Villager. Mario looked all of them. "What happened?"
"All three of them were hanging around that railroad outside." Peach responded. "Falco was listening to music and didn't hear the train coming. Bowser tried to cross the tracks, but ended up getting hit, and Villager was trying to get his balloon that floated out over the tracks. They got hurt pretty badly." Mario took in all this information and just face-palmed.
"Wow." He muttered. "It hasn't even been two and a half hours and all of these people nearly got themselves killed. How much bad luck can they bring to cause destruction and pain?"
Out in the hallway, Lucario and Greninja were walking down the hallway. The two soon stopped when they spotted a bright red button on the wall. Lucario tilted his head as he inspected. "Huh, I never noticed this here before. What's it do?"
"I don't think we should mess with it." Greninja said nervously. "It could be dangerous."
"Still, I kinda want to know." Lucario said. Before the frog pokemon could stop him, he pressed down on the button.
Down the road from the Smash Mansion, three people sat outside of the Assist Motel. They were Midna, Hammer Bro, and Dillon, and the three were in the middle of playing a card game. "Got any sevens?" Hammer Bros asked.
"Go fish." Midna replied. Suddenly, a loud booming sound caught their attention and the three turned to see a large explosion rise in the sky where the mansion was. They looked at it in silence for a moment.
"...What was that?" Dillon finally asked.
And now it's done. If it didn't turn out that good, I'm sorry. It's like, midnight where I am. But if you did enjoy it, then leave a review on what you think! Thank you all for reading! See ya!
Warrior Kitty, out!