Gray Whirlpool
By P.T. Piranha

Pre-Script A/N:
Hey there. I won't waste your time, so let me just say this will be a silly version of Fire Emblem Fates. If you've read two of my past works (Kingdumb Hearts II and Sonic 2006), that's generally what you're in for. How will the story go? Which side will Corrin choose? You'll have to see. But to get the most enjoyment out of this story, I advise you to add me to your Author Alert by the end of the fifth chapter.

… So you can probably already guess what I'm doing, but I won't say any more on the subject until it comes up. Also, while comedic stories tend to have canon divergences for the sake of comedy, there may be some serious ones too. Hopefully nothing major, but one never knows. So watch out for that.

Please enjoy.

Chapter 1: Pilot

"ATTACK!"

A black-armored horseman ordered his legion to storm the field, ready to subdue the opposing forces. But what he did not expect was a red-clad man with long hair and a lightning-covered sword. The beastly man dashed across the field, cutting down anyone in his path.

"See your death… see your death… see your death..." He missed one. "Whoops. I'll come back for you later."

The black-armored man shut his eyes. "Oh come on! What do we pay you guys that he can just one-shot all of you?"

The angry samurai turned his attention to the horseman. "Nohrian General! You face High Prince Ryoma of-"

"WHAT?" the man asked. Ryoma repeated himself.

"I said you are facing Ryoma, the prince of Hoshido!"

"WHAT?"

Ryoma pointed his blade. "Don't make me repeat myself!"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU FROM UP HERE! HOLD ON A SECOND!" shouted the man identified as Nohrian. He waved the horse's reins and the steed charged forth, down the hill. Finally, he reached Ryoma and stopped. "Okay, easy boy, easy! Now… Who are you?"

Ryoma blinked. "… Prince Ryoma of Hoshido."

"Oh. What a coincidence, I'm a prince too. Prince Xander of Nohr. I'd shake your hand, but we're kind of in the middle of war," Xander stated. Ryoma nodded.

"Yeah, that'd be kind of wrong."

"So… I suppose we fight now," suggested Xander. "I don't know, usually there's not this much talking." He looked around. "And now some of the soldiers are starting to stare…"

Ryoma sighed. "Look just… we'll both step back a few paces, then charge at each other with our swords, it'll be like nothing ever happened."

"Can I keep the horse?"

Ryoma made a face. "What kind of question is that? Just do it!"

"Fine." Xander scowled at Ryoma. "But not for you."

With that, the two princes established distance, drew their swords and charged.

"FOR HOSHIDO!"

"BECAUSE FATHER TOLD ME TO!"

Elsewhere, a young albino woman with black and white armor was being attacked by a crazed axe man.

"LOOK OUT!"

A red-clad woman with red hair rushed past on a Pegasus, using a Guard Naginata to block the axe from hitting the black and white woman. The rider turned to the one she was protecting. "You gotta be more careful, sister! You were just standing there!"

The berserker groaned. "Interference! Stay out of this fight, it doesn't concern you!" Without another word, the red woman hit the guy with her spear. "Ow! Gaah! Fine, I'll go! Geez… no-good Pegasus riders, stealing our jobs…"

The younger sister was about to respond, but her voice was drowned out by the two princes from earlier. Strangely, she could hear them despite their distance.

"Tell me, Prince of Nohr! Why are you invading Hoshido?!"

"Uh… Well… you know…"

"No I don't know. TELL ME!"

"Oh you'll find out, I'm about to summon it!" The dark prince held aloft a black sword that had a crimson glow. A beam shot from the sword at Ryoma, but the samurai dodged it.

"You'll have to wake up pretty early to think you can hit me that easily."

Xander frowned. "I woke up at five!"

Off to the distance, three people in similar dark clothing were watching the battle. One was atop a dragon, and she had long and purple hair. The other was a young horseman with a high collar and blonde hair. The last was a young horsewoman with long, blonde twintails. She gasped. "Oh no! Xander didn't wake up early enough, you guys! What will he do now?"

The purple-haired woman smiled. "Oh don't worry Elise, I saw a Dragon Vein somewhere."

This caused the horseman to raise an eyebrow. "Somewhere?"

"Okay so I didn't memorize its exact position, but I'm sure I can find it again. Have a little faith in me, Leo," said the older woman. The man named Leo groaned in response. "Oh look, a bunny." Leo groaned even louder. "Found it!"

The wyvern-riding woman found a patch of land with a glowing aura. She closed her eyes and focused, then suddenly the water in a nearby river dried up. Leo smiled for once. "Good. Now we can help. Elise, stay behind us. You're a healer and can't fight, so they'll probably want to go for you immediately."

"Aww!"

The Pegasus-riding woman gasped. "What?! They can use Dragon Veins too?! But if only royals can do it, that means-"

"We're fighting the Big Cheese of Nohr." A young man with an incredibly long ponytail finished her sentence. The redheaded girl gave him a look.

"… What did you just call them?"

"Err, nothing! Don't look at me!" The boy nervously turned away. "Just… go back to what you were doing!"

"… Okay… I'm going to support Ryoma. The rest of you stay here." With that, the older woman flew off. This left the albino girl, the ponytailed man, and a young shrine maiden who had accompanied him.

"N-n-now what, Takumi?" asked the maiden.

The man with long hair shrugged and pulled out a fancy bow. "Well… you know…"

"Um… I'm afraid… I don't know."

"Sakura, don't do this to me!"

The maiden looked down. "I'm sorry."

Over the commotion of other soldiers fighting, a bald man with a beard lazily waltzed onto the battlefield with another squadron of Nohrian soldiers. "KILL THE HOSHIDANS! HANS NO CARE IF YOU DIE! TAKE THE HOSHIDANS WITH YOU!"

One soldier blanched. "You don't even care about me? But you said I was your favorite!"

"HANS LIE! KILL THEM ALL! KING GARON SAY HANS CAN KILL SOLDIERS IF SOLDIERS UPSET HANS!"

Across the field, a bespectacled man came in, riding on a mechanical lion. He was leading a group of knee-high automata. "Drive all of them out of Hoshido! Go now at once!"

The albino woman was talking to Takumi and Sakura, but she could not recall what about. At that point, their conversation was interrupted when a spearman came running at them.

"I was Hans' favorite! I must regain his favor!"

Takumi glared and drew an arrow. "Allow me!" The arrow flew, and hit the spearman. "Ha! Did you see that, Sakura? I bet Ryoma and Hinoka couldn't make that shot!"

Sakura raised her eyebrows. "Uh, I g-guess not…? Why?"

The white-haired woman motioned for Takumi and Sakura to follow her. They both nodded and followed. It took a few moments, but they reached Ryoma and the Pegasus rider, Hinoka, holding their own against Xander. They were not currently attacking each other.

"You're all okay!" Hinoka cheered. Ryoma nodded.

"Good to see it."

Xander turned his attention to the black and white girl. He wiped sweat from his brow. "Oh thank the gods you're all right, Little Princess. Did these Hoshidans try to harm you in any way?!"

Sakura's eyes bulged. "M-me?"

"No! Don't be foolish, I'm talking to her!" Xander said, pointing at the girl in white and black armor. "You're not my sister, she is."

"Uh, how about no?" responded Takumi with a glare. "Look I didn't like her at first, but she's our sister."

Leo, on his horse and leading the two who were with him before, had made it to the scene. "For, what, two weeks tops? I don't think Camilla would agree."

The wyvern-riding woman huffed, "I would not. She's our adorable sister. You may not have her."

Elise nodded. "Oh, you could take Leo instead!"

Leo had nothing, save for a dark glare at his sister.

Ryoma turned to the subject of their argument. "Don't listen to him. Hoshido is your homeland!"

Xander dismounted his horse and stepped closer. "Okay but think about it. Chopsticks. Do you really think you can use those forever? I've tried, they are impossible!"

"Choose Hoshido!"

"Choose Nohr!"

"…m to w…up"

"Hoshido!"

"Nohr!"

"La…rin it's…k up!"

"Hoshido!"

"Nohr!"

"LADY CORRIN, IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, I SAID!"

The white-haired girl's eyes shot open. She started breathing heavily. "Augh… That dream again…"

By Corrin's bed were two maids, with pink hair and one with blue hair. A little further from the bed was an elderly knight with lilac hair and a scar on his face, standing next to a younger man in a nice suit and wearing gauntlets. The pink-haired maid spoke first. She was beaming. "Wow, sounds like a real crazy one. Good thing I woke you up from it! Right, Flora?"

The other maid seemed indifferent. "… Indeed."

Corrin sat up and yawned. "Is it… dark outside…? I could go back to sleep…"

The elderly knight cleared his throat. "Might I remind you that you have practice today, princess?"

"But Gunteeeeer! It's so dark out! And I'm still sleepy…"

For once, the blue-haired maid seemed to smile. "Well, Felicia and I have just the thing for that."

"What are you talking abou- Oh no." Two sets of hands emanated a cold breeze, right in Corrin's face. "AAAAAAH!" Corrin fell out of bed. "Aaaah! I hate it when you do that, waaaa!"

Flora smirked. "Are you awake yet?"

"Mmm! I bet my brothers and sisters don't have to deal with this!"

The last servant to speak, the butler with gauntlets cleared his throat. "Now, now, Lady Corrin. Even I hate mornings, but I don't let morning crankiness affect how I treat others."

"Not when it's her you're speaking to, anyway," Gunter snarked, receiving a glare from the butler. Corrin stood up, sighing. "Lady Corrin, might I ask why you were sleeping in your armor?"

Corrin shrugged. "I just thought I'd be ready in the morning faster. So what's going on today?"

"You're training with Xander today," Gunter replied.

The butler winced. "And I… Well, I would have cleaned your armor and removed some of the scratches, that it would look nice in time for your sparring session with your brother today. But then you went to bed in it."

"Oh. Sorry, Jakob!"

Jakob continued. "And I would have polished your boots, but for some ghastly reason you never seem to wear them."

"Not sorry about that." Jakob sighed, and Corrin spoke again. "But Xander! He's coming today, I forgot! I wonder if that dream was trying to remind me or something…"

As Corrin mused, Jakob took back the conversation. "This dream seems to be weighing on you. You were kicking your leg in your sleep a lot, this morning. Like a dog. What happened in your dream?"

"Well, I was fighting with some Hoshidan people, and they kept calling me their sister. But my actual brothers and sisters were there. They all started fighting over me. It kind of reminded me of that dream where I decided to join a tournament out of nowhere."

"Wow, cool dream!" Felicia commented. "Right, Flora?"

The other maid raised her eyebrow. "… Sure, yes, fascinating." She could not have said that with less interest. "Lady Corrin, why don't you just prepare for your training? Unless you still feel a little drowsy."

"Aah! No! I'm good!" Corrin waved her hands. "Completely awake!"

Everyone but Corrin laughed.

In an outdoor area, Corrin was engaged in a swordfight against Xander. They both sparred with bronze practice swords, though Xander clearly had the edge. Corrin was knocked on her back, winded.

Gods but Xander is tough! I'm so happy my siblings are visiting me in the fortress, but does it have to come with these training sessions attached?

Leo was nearby and reading a book, disinterested. He was so disinterested, that he did not even seem to notice that his high collar was inside-out. "Get 'im Corrin, rah, rah. Be aggressive, and all that. … Ooh, I didn't know worms could do that."

Xander scoffed. "Don't tell me that this is all that your training has done for you! Corrin, I didn't want to tell you this, but Father said that if you do not at least land a hit today, you may not be allowed to leave the Northern Fortress."

Corrin sat back up, gasped. "Really?! Noooo!" She looked at Leo expectantly. The boy was still enveloped in his reading. Xander's booming voice reclaimed her attention.

"So come on, Corrin, use that elongated 'no' to fuel you! Hit me! Strike as if you intend to kill me!"

"B-but I don't want to kill you! What if there's some freak accident and I actually do kill you?!"

Xander stared. "… Corrin, don't insult me like that."

"Ohh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it's just-"

"Calm down, Little Princess. Just… clear your mind and think about how badly you want to live at home with us, and not here. Keep that in your mind and let that motivate you to win! It can all be yours, if you just land a single hit! Isn't that right, Leo?"

Leo was still reading. "… Wait, seahorses can do what?!"

The princess got back up and caught her breath. "All right… For our family, I must!"

The crown prince smiled. "Good, Corrin. Feel that motivation, remember your- Oh gods!"

Corrin was already before him, and performed a jumping slash attack. Xander barely brought up his sword in time to block, but then lost his balance and fell off his horse. The horse whinnied and trotted away.

"… Ouch."

Corrin gasped and ran over to Xander, offering her hand. The prince took it and his sister pulled him back up. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… I guess that counts as a hit, since you knocked me off my horse. Congratulations Corrin, you get to come home!"

Her ruby eyes widened. "Really?! Thank goodness, I missed you all so much!" She immediately hugged Xander, causing the prince to laugh.

"Easy, there."

Corrin turned to Leo. "Leo, I get to come home now!"

"Who writes this drivel?! Frogs are not reptiles!" muttered the younger prince, under his breath. "Hmm. My collar feels a little odd."

"Oh, that's because it's inside-out," Corrin said, letting go of Xander. Leo's eyes widened.

"Uhh- I know! I… did it on purpose!"

"Why?"

Leo broke into a sweat. "Well… it's… you know…"

She shook her head. "No, I don't know."

"Uh… It's a mage thing!"

Xander whispered into Corrin's ear. "No it's not." She giggled.

At about that time, Camilla and Elise walked up to the battlefield. Camilla called out to Xander. "Brother, your horse is terrorizing Felicia. Again."

"For crying out loud, Sieghorse…" Xander said to himself.

Camilla turned her attention to Corrin immediately. "Aww poor Corrin. Did Xander hurt you at all?"

"Nope, I'm fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Are you suuuure?"

"Uh… yes."

"Reeeeally sur-"

"She's sure!" Leo shouted.

By this time, Elise ran up to Corrin and tackle-hugged her out of nowhere. "Aaah!"

"Heehee! Hi Corrin! Did you miss me? Huh? Huh?!" Corrin giggled again and set her sister down. "I love you so much, big sister! More than anything in the world!"

Leo looked indignant. "Wow. I see where we stand now, Elise."

Xander put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I think that collar might be getting to you."

"N-no! Anyway… Elise, you are technically an adult now. Very, very technically. Could you at least grow up a little?"

"You know, Mr. Grouch, I can be like that too," Corrin said with a tone of mock sternness. "Don't listen to him, Elise. Just be yourself."

The older princess's eyes lit up. "Oh, that reminds me! Corrin, Father asked us to bring you to the Capital! Your stay in this dreary old fortress is over!"

Corrin nodded, a big smile on her face. "Oh yeah, because I was able to beat Xander in training!"

"Well…" Xander rubbed the back of his neck. "I haven't been entirely truthful to you. We were going to do that regardless. But now I feel better about it, since you beat me."

"Jerk!" Corrin and Elise shouted at once. Xander chuckled.

"Yeah, I know…"

Corrin's smile returned. "But I can't believe the day is finally here! I've been in this fortress for as long as I can remember! I can't wait to tell Flora and Felicia, and Jakob and Gunter and Lilith… I wonder if they'll all come with me."

Camilla glanced at Leo. "Leo, dear, your collar is inside-out."

The bookish prince sighed. "… Okay, thanks."

The wheels had begun to turn, and Corrin's departure was at hand. Alongside her siblings, Corrin was in the fortress entryway with Gunter, Jakob, Felicia, Flora and one more servant. This servant had striking yellow eyes, braided blue hair that turned red, and wore a blue dress. The most notable feature was a red birthmark on her forehead. She was speaking to Corrin currently.

"I'm so happy you can leave, Corrin! Too bad you can't sneak me food from the kitchen, anymore."

"What?!" Jakob squawked.

"Uhh! Nothing!"

Corrin laughed. "I'll miss you too, Lilith."

Gunter nodded. "All right, then. Jakob, Lilith, you're both coming with us. Lilith to look after the horses, and Jakob because I think he might actually die if he's not within 50 meters of Lady Corrin."

"You can count on me," Lilith and Jakob both said, curtseying and bowing respectively for Lady Corrin. The princess smiled.

"I take that back, Lilith. I won't miss you, since you get to come with us!"

"I know! I didn't think he'd actually let me! This is wonderful!" Lilith clasped her hands. Gunter turned to the other servants.

"Felicia, you're in charge of the fortress. Flora, you're in charge of Felicia."

"We've got this! Goodbye, Lady Corrin!"

"Understood. Safe journey."

Corrin frowned. "Wait…" Before Gunter could go tend to something else, Corrin called after him. "Wait, Gunter…" With the knight's attention, she whispered into his ear. "Are you sure we can't bring Flora and Felicia? Because… you know…"

"I remember, milady, but…" at that point, Gunter was speaking less to Corrin and more to himself. "I know what I'm doing."

"Okay…" Corrin was not pleased. He might have some weird habits, but I'll trust his judgment. He's always been like a father to me, since Father himself never visits. She shuddered. I remember that time I said as much to Xander. I got scared and begged him not to repeat it to anyone. Apparently Father can be quite scary.

The sound of Xander's voice interrupted Corrin's musings. "So Lilith, are the horses ready now?"

"Yes sir! Even Sieghorse!"

"Excellent. Let us be off!"

"Yaaaay!" cheered Elise. "We can leave this dank fortress behind! Oh! No offense, Felicia and Flora! I don't mean it's bad here! I just… oh shoot! I'm sorry."

Flora forced a smile. "It's all right, Lady Elise. It can be… smothering to be in here sometimes."

Corrin smiled. "If Father asks, I'll tell him you've both been great! Oh I'm so excited to meet him!"

Everyone else in the room, except Lilith, all cringed a little when they heard Corrin say that. Camilla cleared her throat. "Yes, well… Just know that Father can be a little… blunt. But I'm sure we'll be fine. Let's go."

"Yes!"

With that, everyone made their way out of the fortress. Gunter was the last one out the door, and he turned back to the maids. With a wink, he told them, "Both of you… Do as you must."

The girls smiled. Felicia's smile was earnest, while the nature of Flora's smile was a little more nebulous. Only she spoke. "Understood."

Outside, Corrin was led to the carriages, with Elise leading her by the hand, chattering away.

"Not to interrupt," Xander interrupted, "but Corrin, you will need to wear proper footwear before Father."

Corrin stifled a groan. "… Okay. I want to make a good first impression for him."

Leo practically whispered. "Because gods know he won't make a good one for you."

This caught Corrin's attention. "What was that?"

"Oh, nothing."

To be continued.

Post-Script A/N:

So I've been writing a lot for the new Fire Emblem lately. I figured it was about time I just get to the point and do a full-on adaptation of Fates. It'll be in the same vein as Kingdumb Hearts II and Sonic: Dude Where's His World. Also like my Xenoblade parody, which is still happening, I just need to organize some things.

I'm part of the FE14Drabbles blog on tumblr, so I have a few other FE authors that I talk to regularly, and are able to work as a sort of test audience and provide some feedback. If any of you are reading this, thanks for helping.

Anyway yeah, we get right into this. Not a whole lot to say about this first chapter, other than that we're doing a lot of groundwork. A lot of establishment for both the plot and the personalities of every character.

We'll see more of it in the coming chapters, but Lady Corrin is sort of an all-loving excitable puppy type. I've seen a lot of fan works portray both versions of Corrin that way, so I'm working with that. Also she doesn't like shoes, because for some reason Corrin never wears any in canon. Otherwise, everyone's just an exaggerated version of their canon selves. They may evolve more as the story goes on. Just wait until we meet Garon and Hans (we've already seen a little of him).

Now like I said, how will I cover all three routes? Because I do plan on writing all the routes, or at the very least, the Hoshido and Nohr routes. And it's as I said, add me to your Author Alert before the end of Chapter 5, and you'll have your answer. ... So again it should be kind of obvious what I'm planning.

At the time of writing, I have the first four chapters already written. So I hope to be able to stay ahead and have a consistent upload schedule. But there are no promises.

With that, please look forward to the next chapter.