The Future
He is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived. - Dalai Lama
Life is quit elusive, don't you think? You're a child and don't realize what lies ahead. You grow up and learn how to deal with the present. You're forced to become an adult and deal with the future. That's where it all goes wrong. You learn to focus on the future and it replaces the present. Unfortunately life will stay that way, no matter what you think.
Let me tell you something. I'm 41 years old, an adult in anyone's eyes. I'm supposed to be living the dream I envisioned all those years ago. Well, I'm not. I'm still focused on the future. What will I do when my children leave the house? How long will I be able to be Head Auror? What about death?
You hear it all the time. 'Seize the day.' they say. 'Live in the moment.' they say. 'Enjoy what you have.' they say. It's crap, utter crap. Nobody lives like that and it's terrible. It destroys you. Well, it destroyed me. Everything I do is planned. They're all obligations. I haven't done anything for fun since I gave up quidditch, right before I killed Voldemort. Like I said, that's where it all went wrong. They forced me to become an adult and I had to fight for my future. I never stopped.
I'm always planning. "After I finish this Auror-report, I'll pick up the kids and after dinner I'll read a book. When I finish that book, I'll fix the sink and after that it will be time for bed." It never stops. There's no ending, let alone a happy one. It keeps me from enjoying the present and I can't help it. My mind is trained to think about what comes.
The first thing people asked after I killed Voldemort was what I was planning to do. Are you going to marry Ginny? Do you want kids? Are you becoming an Auror? Yes. Yes. Yes.
So I started my training. The first thing I learned? Make sure you're always one step ahead. Think about the consequences of your actions. Then I did marry Ginny. She became a professional quidditchplayer and travelled a lot. So what did I have to do? Make a schedule and plan dates with my wife, so I could see her at least once a week. Of course I had children and I love them to bits, but we better not talk about all the organisation a child requires, let alone three of them.
So that is it. I'm living my life, living the dream, exactly like everyone expected me to and I'm not happy. I would say I'm content, but I'm not that either. You can only be content if you stop wanting things and I still want things, all the time. I want my wife to be home, I want my children to stay little, I want to be an Auror on the field again. I had all those things. You know what happened? The future I was thinking so much about caught up on me and I didn't have time to enjoy it. I'm certain that is exactly what is happening now. In three or four years I will be missing what I currently have, but I still can't force myself to be happy now.
So that's why I'm sitting here, with you, in a bar, drinking my sorrows away. Pathetic, huh?
"Yes."
A sigh and the clinking of ice cubes in a glass are the only sounds that follow. Harry doesn't know what to say. He didn't expect to see Malfoy in his favourite bar and although they have long since given up on keeping their animosity alive, they're not exactly friends either. He shouldn't have spilled his guts like that. He probably scared Malfoy away with all his depressing nonsense. It probably didn't even make sense and maybe it's not all true. Is his life really that bad? He isn't happy, that was the truth, but he doesn't think getting Ginny back or little children would make it better. Would it? The sound of Malfoy scraping his throat pulls Harry out of his musings.
"I understand, though." He murmurs and just like that Harry relaxes. Malfoy understands.