Disclaimer: Tortall belongs to Tammy, the style is inspired by the fabbity fab Helen Fielding.
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ALANNA OF TREBOND
ITHOTG EDITION
April 10
Was quite surprised to be approached by Goddess in
middle of woods. Wonderful. Apparently I am in dire
need of self-actualization. They aren't completely abnormal fears, are they?
1. The Chamber of the Ordeal. Completely understandable.
Everyone in right mind afraid of that place.
2. Men. But in the romantic sense. Maybe I have become
genuine commitmentphobe. Must start hanging around
with females more often.
3. Roger. Ick.
Anyway, she gave me some tacky stone and a kitten. Gods help me. Definitely do
not have time for cat.
April 11
Jon and Co. came in, were v. obnoxious about the new cat. They were proposing
completely ridiculous asshat names for it until I
finally suggested Faithful to shut them all up.
It was v. good night at Dancing Dove. Only had 2 drinks as I
didn't want to be carried back to palace.
May 19
Rain. No bloody cheer in this place. Am
finally fifteen, making me feel even younger than ever.
Faithful does not like Roger v. much. Good kitty. Am highly suspecting that
Alex is in league with Roger, but can't say anything as Jon and Co. like him v.
much.
July 2
Fought some impertinent Tusaine
knight earlier, and thoroughly beat him. Bloody lout deserved it. Flouting the rules of chivalry just because he could.
Honestly, what happened to honor and valor and all that?
August 20
Is official. George wants to shag me. What a perv. Couldn't keep his bloody hands (or
lips, for that matter) off of me.
Shirt Thom gave Jon for birthday v. tacky.
August 21
Delia of Eldorne is a slut. Who does she bloody think
she is, simpering over Jon like that?
Not that I like Jon or anything.
January 16
I hate the bloody cold, and Roger is trying to kill me. Bloody brilliant, I
say. How typical. He sent a boar to maul me to death. Unoriginal,
in my opinion.
I need a good, stiff drink.
March 17
Have decided once and for all that Alex is doing
business with Roger. He tried to kill me today, but I saw it coming.
Myles has v. good timing.
April 21
George still wants to shag me. V. irritating. He needs
to self-actualize v. badly. And not burden me so much with his lack of
self-actualization, because it is so v. tiring.
On the plus side, he gave me a bit of information that might have started a
war. Bloody good time!
May 5
Tusaine. Wet and miserable
outside. George again tried to shag me before we left, but I was blunt
and ordered him to self-actualize first.
As Jon's squire, I look after his armor and such. He looks v. good in it.
June 10
As am not allowed to fight, I went to help Duke Baird
in hospital. It was v. disgusting, and I threw up afterwards. Jon was right
there to reassure me. He has v. nice legs.
July 1
Big battle. Used my Gift to help Big Thor die, fell asleep for three
days. Magic is v. tiring. Don't know how Thom does it.
Woke up, Jon kissed me. He is quite shaggable.
Oh gods, am turning into a female George. Must stop! Must self-actualize!
July 29
Am in Tusaine prison with biggest asshole of all time
as jailer. Duke Hilam is in serious need of therapy.
Think he is v. insecure because of short stature.
Or maybe he's just compensating for something. Oh, here come rescuers!
November 8
Went to Mistress Cooper's earlier as part of plan to heighten self-esteem. I
need to feminize myself, as am becoming totally
commitment-phobic, just like male counterparts.
November 15
Change in status: both Jon and George want to shag me. Am I really that shaggable? I haven't gotten these vibes from other men.
Then again, those other men think I'm a man, and therefore would not be too
keen to shag me unless severely drunk.
December 20
Hunting after some wolf. Roger definitely wants me
dead. His magic is a tacky shade of orange.
May 14
Happy seventeenth birthday to me. On a good note, finally
shagged Jon today.
On a bad note, nothing!!! Am a full- blown sex
goddess!!!
December 31
Hate bloody ice skating. Is a v. stupid sport. On a side note, Roger tried to
kill me via Alex.
Did nothing to damper my emancipated, sex goddess spirit.
April 3
City of the Gods. George insisted upon escorting me, probably because he
still wants to bloody shag me. He thinks I am in love with Jon. I wanted to
say, "I'm not in love with Jon, just sleeping with him," but then realized this
would be v. cruel and vindictive. Plus, George is rather fit. If the Jon thing
doesn't work out, I've always got a fallback.
Thom looking v. strange.
April 5
In an inn. George shot with arrows meant for me. V. romantic. Roger at it again. Tacky
orange fire everywhere.
May 14
Am swamped by presents. Am so
popular.
June 1
Told Gary that
I am a girl. Am afraid he also wants to shag me now.
December 24
Survived Chamber. Knighted. Revealed
Roger. Dueled Roger. Was
revealed to be a girl by Roger. Killed Roger. Shocked court. V. fun. What else is
new?
December 26
Am off to desert. Ta ta!
A/N: This was written ages ago, but I hadn't thought to post it until now. Whoops.