It was Class 3-E's last class for the day and we were taking a long test on English, focusing on the correct usage of grammar. As usual, I was answering the test in a carefree manner. A confident young lady who has already mastered this language is always on par with 3-E's top student, Karma Akabane, when it comes to English.
I was almost done with the test when my mood changed from a carefree mood to a very concentrated mood. The last part of the test was an essay. It was a simple question, yet I found it very difficult to answer.
"What is your greatest fear?"
Geez, the bell rang and Koro-sensei said to stop writing and to pass the papers already. I have only started my third sentence for the essay and wasn't able to finish it. But it doesn't matter to me.
"I'm so glad it was over!" I said energetically while stretching my arms. I saw in my peripheral vision a blue-haired boy who glanced at me and smiled.
Nagisa Shiota, my seatmate, was discussing answers with our green-haired classmate who was seated next to him, Kayano Kaede.
"How did you find the test, Nakamura-san?" he politely asked.
"Hmm. Ea-sy!" I said and grinned.
"As expected of you, Nakamura-san! I envy you for mastering the subject," Kayano commented. I simply smiled at both of them.
"That's totally flattering, Kayano!" I said and laughed.
"It's true. No one can beat you in English," Nagisa humbly added.
"Geez. I'm already flattered, guys! See you tomorrow!" I said jokingly and went out of the classroom and started walking home.
'Why would you envy me? I think it should be the other way around' I said to myself when I remembered what Kayano told me.
After arriving at home, I hurriedly went upstairs to my bedroom and changed into casual clothes. I lay down on my bed and listened to music.
"What is my greatest fear, huh?" I said when I remembered that essay question that consumed the remaining minutes of the test. Because I was running out of time, I simply answered a stupid lie. That my greatest fear is not being able to finish a bachelor's degree. That was the best lie that I was able to come up earlier. I closed my eyes and thought for my real answer.
But what is it that I fear the most?
I suddenly opened my eyes and searched for something in my room. Maybe that was it.
"Maybe what I feared the most is to be rejected by someone whom I like" I said as I opened my jewelry box and took a small object. I laughed at how ridiculous I sounded earlier. That wasn't it.
Since when did I started having feelings for him? The answer lies on this object that I held on my hand.
It was a few months ago when I started my third year in Class E. I knew some of my classmates and I'm fine with having them around. I was seated next to a small blue haired student. In order to make friends, I asked the student to join me in my shopping time that weekend.
"Hey Shiota-san, let's go to this boutique shop on Saturday. There will be sale on cute dresses and I bet it will fit you a lot!" I said nicely. The student then paused and looked rather awkward. I thought that she was just shy so I waited for her answer.
"Er- Nakamura-san, I'm actually….a boy," he said shyly.
'Crap, you failed in making new friends,' I told myself.
"Oh. Sorry about that. You actually look like a girl. You know, long hair, calm expression, elegant posture."
"I get that a lot. It's alright. But if you still want, I can tag along so you won't get bored."
What caught my attention was his gentleness that can be reflected in his eyes. From that moment on, I wanted to be his friend so I started getting his attention by teasing him every now and then.
Then the government came and asked us to assassinate our new teacher. We were all dumbfounded by this immediate turn of events but we had no choice but to follow. In order to help us, a government employee, Mr. Karasuma, became our Physical Education teacher so as to train us develop our assassination skills.
It was during our first afternoon meeting in PE with Karasuma-sensei that I started having feelings for him.
"See you tomorrow, Nagisa!"
"Nakamura-san, wait! We have an afternoon meeting with Karasuma-sensei," he immediately replied.
"Oh right. Thanks for reminding me! I better change into jerseys then," I said and left to change my clothes.
"Right. See you at the school grounds!" he replied as he and Kayano went to the grounds. I followed after five minutes. Our classmates were all there and were waiting for Karasuma-sensei to arrive.
"Crap. I forgot it!" I loudly said. I didn't noticed that I said those words aloud.
"What is it?" Nagisa asked. I was taken aback by his sudden presence beside me. Earlier, I knew he wasn't there but I didn't think of it that much.
"I forgot my hair tie," I simply said and was about to rush inside the classroom when Nagisa offered his blue hair tie.
"You can use mine," he offered as he removed his other hair tie from his twin tails, exposing part of his long blue hair.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Sure. I can tie my hair in a single ponytail," he said and smiled. I took the blue hair tie that he was offering to me and simply said, "Thanks, Nagisa. I'll return it to you tomorrow!"
I tied my hair in a high pony tail. He complimented on how wearing my hair in a ponytail looks good on me. That compliment made my heart beat faster. I tried my best to hide the redness on my face.
"Geez Nagisa. Thanks. But I think you're more beautiful. And more ladylike!" I teased and grinned at him.
The day after that, I told him that I lost his blue hair tie. I thought he was going to be disappointed after I promised to return it to him but he didn't. He gently smiled and told me it was okay, that he still had lots of blue hair ties at home.
But the truth is, I kept it ever since.
This feeling intensified for the rest of the school year. His blue eyes that can match the color of mine are filled with concentration everytime we tried assassinating Koro-sensei. Yet, those eyes can also be gentle and calm.
I still remember that time when Takaoka replaced Karasuma-sensei as PE teacher. We were frightened by his insane training and tyrant attitude. Whenever we complained, we either got slapped or punched in the face. I was frightened but I never showed it. When Karasuma-sensei and Koro-sensei witnessed Takaoka's cruelty, Takaoka challenged Karasuma-sensei to pick a student that can take down Takaoka. And I was shocked when Karasuma-sensei picked Nagisa.
I wanted to yell. Why him of all people? Why not ask Isogai or Maehara instead? Terasaka might even match Takaoka in terms of brawl strength. Why him? He's so small compared to Takaoka's body built and he might easily get crushed. But what we witnessed made our jaws drop. He calmly and successfully defeated the tyrant teacher. I noticed how his blue eyes were filled with the desire to kill from that moment despite having a very calm attitude. I had goosebumps everytime I saw those eyes.
And throughout the school year, I kept a close watch at him. Gentleness, kindness, fear, anger, and bloodlust are the emotions that I saw in his eyes and each time I saw difference emotions in those eyes, I fell deeper.
But I knew that confessing my love for him would only make me a total joke. I am contented with being their background as a person who play pranks on them.
When Nagisa kissed Kayano to stop her bloodlust, I took pictures of them and teased them. But when I'm alone in my room, my heart ached a lot. I've always known that the other girl seated next to him was in love with him too. And I knew that she deserves him better than I do. They look better as a couple and I bet that Nagisa likes Kayano as well. So why should she envy me? It should be the other way around.
My greatest fear is to see my love be taken away by someone else.
This fear of mine happened just before my eyes and nobody except me knew of it. I never told anyone in class, not even my best friends about it. I want it to be my precious secret that will forever be buried in my memories.
During Valentine's Day, I had with me a small box of chocolates which I made myself. I was planning on giving it to Nagisa, but I hesitated.
What will his reaction be once I gave it to him?
Instead of giving him those sweets, Karma and I helped Kayano to give chocolates to Nagisa. So I just placed my box of chocolates on Koro-sensei's desk instead. What's the use of crying anyway?
Flash forward and here I am wearing a pink dress, waiting with the rest of the 3-E students for the wedding celebration to begin. This event, which is a very important one for Kayano and Nagisa, is secretly a heartbreaking event in my life. Still, I attended and congratulated them wholeheartedly.
Before the wedding ceremony started, I took the deep breath before approaching Kayano and said, "Kayano, remember that time when you said that you envy me? I think it should be the other way around. This is it, Kayano. Your happy ending. Congratulations and good luck to the both of you!"
Kayano, who was already overwhelmed by the congratulations of many friends, smiled and hugged me.
"Thank you."
When the ceremony started, Kayano, who was very beautiful wearing her white gown, walked gracefully down the aisle and Nagisa smiled and waited at the altar for his beautiful bride.
During that moment, I knew for sure, that the past is about to repeat itself. I looked at the newly-wed couple at the altar and smiled at them, joining the applause of everyone while quickly wiping a tear away. Behind this jolly smile and lovely blue eyes of mine lies my greatest fear of seeing the person whom I love be taken away by someone else for a second time.