Disclaimer: 'Ello, poppets. We don't own Redwall or any of the references to anything you may possibly recognized in any way, shape, or form. LittlePsychoWolf got bored and felt like writing a little Sue-bashing adventure, so she flicked through the list Kelaiah had created and decided on this one, for the absolute heck of it.
Also, the idea of a Sue-slaying society with cool gadgets, one of which is mentioned briefly later on, may have come somewhat from the PPC missions I (Wolf) have read. Suffice it to say that I do not own the PPC, at all, and intended no copying. The gadget itself, which I did come up with myself, is only mentioned for a few lines and really isn't worth trying to kill me for over unintended plagarism.
This concludes the paranoia.
Lastly: This one-shot takes place shortly after Arawolf Beechclaw, Sueslayer Extraordinaire and its companion Linwe Seregon Swifteye, and is one of the first missions that Ara and Kel, as partners, embark upon.
Anyway, hobey-ho!
The tent was a small island of rather soggy canvas, a dark-tan splotch lost amidst an ocean of dripping forest and sheets of rain. Inside, it was leaking heavily from one corner and illuminated with the cold glow of a halogen camper's lantern; and, not least, the strange-smelling, rather stuffy air was filled to the breaking point of Kelaiah's sanity with the ear-bleeding chaos that was his partner Arawolf's singing.
Made decidedly hyperactive by an overdose of chocolate and several hours of rain-induced boredom, the adolescent pine marten was literally bouncing around the tent, her voice making up tenfold in volume what it lacked in proper tone and pitch.
"Finland is the country where we dance,
Finland is the country where we play,
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance,
In traditional Scandinavian way!
Shlip, shlap, shlip and shlap away,
Shlip, shlap, shlap away all day,
Shlip, shlap, you simply can't go wrong,
In traditional Fish Slapping Song!
Finland, Finland, Finland, the country where I quite-"
"ARA!" Kelaiah roared, having finally had enough after the forty-second consecutive off-key rendition of the "Fish Slapping Dance."
The marten halted in mid-verse, looking quite put out. "Bugger," she muttered, but fell silent, ambling over to crouch down beside him. "Seen anything yet?" she inquired, now appearing quite serene.
"I certainly couldn't pick up any suspicious noises," the ferret growled meaningfully, "but we've been here for the entire day, something has to show up sooner or later, or else Adverk wouldn't have sent us here."
Ara smirked. "Are you sure we aren't here just because you thought you saw another Orc and ran off screaming in panic, only to knock over and send crashing to the floor that irreplaceable, unimaginably expensive-"
"No," Kel said forcefully, trying to imitate his partner's infamous Death Stare™. The marten gazed back, unmoved and still grinning her little wicked grin.
"Anyhoo," Ara said cheerfully, turning to rummage through her regulation knapsack, "I happen to have the profile of the Sue we're supposed to be watching for."
"And then handle how, exactly?" Kelaiah interjected nervously, watching as the searching marten flung a succession of objects from the bag in her search, among them a copy of Voltaire's Candide, her trusty Flying Guillotine, a sturdy-looking pair of manacles, several things he recognized from history lessons as belonging to the Spanish Inquisition,The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, a large meat cleaver, a jar containing greenish liquid and something that suspiciously resembled a brain, and a large, tattered, nasty-looking book with the title Necronomicon inscribed on its cover.
"Never mind that," Ara muttered, finally pulling out a Generic Manila Folder. Inside was a thick wad of paper, with a photograph of the Sue's face attached by paper clip. The ferret accepted the proffered folder, flipping through the pages and grimacing occasionally.
"Ugh, this is horrible... of all the monstrosities in this fandom, why that- OH MY GOSH THE TENT FLAP IT'S MOVING! HELP HELP IT'S AN ORC WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Kel screeched, flinging the folder behind him and curling up in the fetal position. Ara, meanwhile, seized the meat cleaver in one paw and the Flying Guillotine in the other, and adopted a predatory crouch near the entrance as the tent flap swung open and in entered...
...a ferret.
A slender, quite attractive, quite obviously female ferret, with sky-blue eyes and silvery fur, with a mask and tail-tip as black as the spaces between the stars on a moonless night, who leapt back and screamed as Ara, through a wolfish grin, said nastily, "'Ello, poppet," and raised the meat cleaver.
In the split second before the marten pounced, Kelaiah saw that in one slender, trembling paw the ferret femme held a badge with an oddly familiar insignia, and that she wore the familiar dark-red tunic and black breeches of the Redwall Division (which perfectly complemented her glimmering pelt and beautiful form). "ARA, NO!" he screeched, knocking his partner down and ignoring her howl of fury.
The older Sue-slayer forced his way between the two females, protecting the ferret as Ara scrambled upright, growling, "What in the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you silly sod? It's a Sue!"
"No, she is not a Sue," Kel snapped, pointing with one claw to the she-ferret's badge and outfit. "I don't quite know what's going on yet, but it appears you darn near decapitated a fellow Sue-slayer!"
"I was going for 'disemboweled' if you hadn't bleeding well knocked me over," the marten grumbled, but squinted obligingly, albeit dangerously, at the apparently-not-a-Sue.
"I guess you didn't know that our leader's recruiting reformed Sues now, did you?" the ferretmaid said shyly, her voice like the most beautiful music. Upon seeing the pair's confused looks, she added, "We're like reformed vermin, sort of- after we have a kind of epiphany that we aren't meant to be this way, we're given additional psychatric help and allowed to join the ranks. So, I'm your new partner!" she said with a pearly grin. Ara turned faintly green at this excess of saccharine, but declined to comment.
"Oh, oops..." the ferret said sheepishly, upon noticing. "They told me not to act too happy, or people would get upset, so... oh, a pine marten..." she continued faintly, her grin turning fixed and apprehensive. "Are you the one they warned me was-"
"Undoubtedly," Ara replied, with a smile that could only be described as evil.
"Anyway," Kelaiah interjected, waving the folder in front of their faces, "you're just in time, miss...um... I'm sorry, I don't..."
He trailed off, and the reformed Sue said obligingly, in a tone as though she recited from a textbook, "I'm Aeravai Zasylva Skyshard, but you're supposed to call me by my Regulation, a.k.a. New Lifestyle, name instead to avoid undue side effects of nausea, vomiting, aural or corneal bleeding, flashbacks, grand mal epileptic seizures, organ failure, or homicidal/suicidal rages in my comrades. So I'm Sky."
"Okay, Sky," Kel replied, instantly reminded of his older sister's friend (who was also called "Sky", and whom he once had a bit of a crush on), while Ara gave a stiff nod that clearly said, I'm acknowledging your existence until such time as you give me sufficient reason to decide that you are, despite any and all façades, a menace to society, and therefore quite better off dead, and adding, "Arawolf," for politeness's sake.
"Well," Kel continued, "As I was saying, you've come just in time, because it would seem we have a mission."
He handed the folder to Sky, who opened it and gazed within, her blue eyes, pure and sparkling as the sky reflected in an alpine stream, widening in horror. "Things like this make me so grateful I was able to change in time..." she said shakily before her gaze hardened to blue ice. "Let's get her."
What horrible new Sue must the trio face? How is Sky going to prove herself superior to Ara, and charm Kel, who had never realised quite so fully how mood-swinging, hyperactive, bloodthirsty, and nastily morbid his British-cursing partner really is in comparison?
Continue reading to find out! ;)
"You know, I had the weirdest dream about you last night?" Kel said to Ara as the trio made its way out into woods (after the rain had let up; Kel was immensely glad of that, for it had become very tiring trying to keep Ara from taking a meat-cleaver to Sky's head).
"Huh?" the pine marten said.
"Yeah, I dreamed I met the human-version of you, but what was so weird was that you didn't look a thing like you how told me you look. You were fat, bald (well, actually your head was very closely shaven), and really ugly, and I found myself feeling really disappointed, but I don't know why."
Ara stared at her partner. Normally he was the "straight-man" of their little duo, but there were plenty of times where he proved himself just as weird (and sometimes even weirder) as Ara. This was one of those moments.
"Eee-yeeeeeeeaaaahhhh," drawled Ara. "Right." Suddenly, she hissed, "Hey, that Sue's walking a little too far ahead of us! She's obviously scheming! But fear not, brave Kelaiah, I shall soon remedy the situa-"
"Don't call her that!" Kel snapped, seizing Ara's paw as she pulled out the Flying Guillotine. "She's seen the error of her ways, so therefore she's not a Sue anymore!"
"Pfft!" was all Ara could say - at least at the moment. Nevertheless she started jogging after Sky, calling, "Hey! Slow down! We're not running the marathon here!"
The ferretmaid paused, looking embarrassed. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Sometimes my old Sue-abilities enable me to walk quicker than anybeast. I'm really sorry, I'll try not to-"
"Now hold on!" objected Kel, who had just joined them. "Sky didn't know what she was doing, Ara, relax! And besides, speed is of the essence right now, right?"
Ara scowled and stepped nearer to her partner (who she was steadily getting more and more impatient with). "It won't do us any good if she leaves us behind while she runs off into who knows what!" (Actually, that didn't sound like too much of a tragedy to Ara.) "Now let's go!"
And with that, the female pine marten shoved past Sky, who looked with docile blue eyes at Kel, who gently patted her arm and smiled reassuringly.
"What are you two doing?!" Ara shouted back at them. "Come on! We haven't got all day!"
The beauty of Sky was remarkable, and try as he might, Kel just couldn't stop wondering who she reminded him of. She reminded him of someone, someone very, very beautiful, and very tall, with a great figure, and gorgeous etheral luminous blue eyes. . . .
Suddenly, as Sky turned those sapphire orbs to him again, Kel realized it: Sky looked like the ferret-version of Liv Tyler! The male ferret nearly melted when he realized that, but a sharp kick to the shin from Ara brought Kel back to reality.
The beauty of Sky was remarkable, and try as she might, Ara just couldn't stop that awful feeling of . . . . . . . jealousy!
She couldn't possibly be jealous! No, she wasn't, she was absolutely certain she wasn't jealous, because she had ABSOLUTELY NO "feelings" for Kel, not in the slightest.
Ara knew this to be true, because Kel was . . . well, he just wasn't Jack Sparrow. Or Voltaire (and at this, the marten cringed, remembering the near-catastrophic Stu-Incident, and cursed her human side, whose thoughts she occasionally recieved, for remaining resolutely obsessed with the man). He was more like a brother to Ara. A very silly brother. A very silly brother who was at this moment goggling at a little ferret-trollop with humongous blue eyes that would've put Bambi to complete and utter shame.
Ah, so that was it. Ara was feeling sisterly protective of Kel. Well, that was alright. She had a right to feel protective, he was her friend and partner, and some little ferret-tart was trying to woo him into becoming a little mind-slave of hers!
Suddenly a very sharp, very clear image came into Ara's mind, that of herself digging Sky's eyes out with a very sharp - no, not sharp, a blunt pointy object, that way it'd be more painful . . . and way more messy! Heeheehee!
The image made Arawolf grin wolfishly (no pun intended), and she didn't realise her progressively maniacal and evil giggling had become quite audible until both ferrets suddenly stopped dead, spun around, and gave her very nervous looks. She gulped and grinned innocently until Kelaiah sighed, turned around, and kept walking, murmuring something comforting to Sky.
"So," the new Slayer said at last, her dulcet tones, so filled with determination, making Kelaiah's heart soar with bravery. "According to the file, the strength of this Sue is causing the fabric of time and space to fluctuate, so without any sort of warning we may be flung into the middle of the Sueverse at any-"
There was a flash of glittering lavender-amethyst-violet light, and the ground, the sky, the rain-drenched forest stretched, sagged, dripped down in globs like melted wax, folded in upon itself and dwindled rapidly to a point of atom-sized light, leaving the trio floating in a sort of Barbie-pink, sparkling, infinite space.
A bowl of petunias and a sperm whale popped into existence just as the forest reappeared, and mercifully vanished just before impact with the newly restored ground.
Said impact, however, was not a problem for the three Sue-Slayers; minutes before crash-landing, time slowed to a syrupy kind of consistency, allowing them to float gently downwards until their footpaws touched earth. A bird chirped happily nearby, fluttering off its branch to perch on Sky's slender, outstretched paw and sing its little song to the sunshine and its three new friends, who were all so happy on this wonderful glorious day and-
"Bugger off," Ara snarled, seizing the bird in her paw, aiming upwards, and flinging it into the stratosphere, where it was promptly seized and carried away by Mr. Happy Eagle.
"Um..." said Sky feebly, but could not find a response.
"So, where are we, exactly?" Kelaiah said, breaking the awkward silence that had followed.
Ara opened her mouth, but at that exact instant Sky recited perkily, "We are currently in an Unspecified Location in Mossflower Wood, or should I say Sueflower."
Kelaiah burst out laughing, clutching his ribs as tears of mirth poured down his face.
Ara acquired the expression that her partner, had he not been rolling on the floor with hysterical giggling, would have recognized as, Please excuse me while I gouge my eyes out with the nearest available a) knitting needle(s), b) stick, c) spork, or d) other.
Kel finally calmed down and stood, gasping out through a few last chuckles, "Ohmygosh, you're hilarious, Liv- er, um, Sky."
"Anyway," Sky continued, "we are currently in the post-Mossflower time period, near the house of Gingivere and Sandingomm. Random shreds of canon, in a last desperate bid to accumulate and regain control, may float by without warning, causing further disturbances in the flow of dimensional space. Do not be alarmed; please keep your paws inside the vehicle at all times. The Sue we are currently watching for is-"
"Oh, I saw that," Ara broke in, hoping to regain some favour. "Her name is Iyaaaeee... er... no, wait, Iaeeoolla... Ia-something GoldenSunlight. Yeah."
"Iaelilerae GoldenSunlight, species; wildcat, age; budding adolescence, appearance; 'long, sleek fur that shines with a thousand shades of gold in the sunlight,' 'beautiful, glimmering emerald orbs that shine golden in moonlight and that glisten with the tears for the wreckage of her life,' 'tall and slender, with curves in all the right places .' And please stop using British spellings like 'favour' for your parts of the narrative, Arawolf, we all know you're American and it really makes you look kind of petulant, not to mention immature." She gave a compassionate, dazzling smile, which Ara somehow grossly misconstrued as patronizing.
"Let me guess," Kelaiah said dryly. "She's the oh-so-happy and peace-loving daughter of poor old Gingivere and Sandingomm, who shall shortly have her life thrown into chaos when her family is brutally slaughtered in about, oh, I'll give it-"
Panicked yowls, screams, and bone-chilling evil laughter suddenly resounded through the woods, shattering the serene calm of the spring air, and a female voice shrieked, "Run, Iae! I'll hold them off! Gingivere- get away-, no, don't- no! No! NOOOO!"
"-right now. Never mind," he finished, wincing at the noise.
"Well, we can't cower here and let things run out of control," Sky commented briskly, "Let's move closer and watch what happens next."
The beautiful she-ferret padded off silently among the trees, her silvery pelt somehow camouflaging perfectly with the background.
Kelaiah followed close behind, trying as hard as he could to imitate Sky's noiseless walk.
Ara, seething, prowled along in the rear, muttering savagely, "I'll spell my words whatever bloody way I like, you nasty, air-headed, preening little strumpet..." under her breath.
The Sue-slayers, safely hidden amongst the trees, looked on somewhat gleefully as the beautiful catmaiden, kneeling on the blood-stained ground near the corpses of her parents and weeping uncontrollably, was shackled to the slave line of the Generic Villain-Stu Of Evil, a muscular male fox with the standard black fur and red eyes, who chuckled darkly and, upon stalking over to the chained wildcat, lifted her chin to have their eyes meet, ran his other paw down the side of her neck, and murmured something appropriately lecherous.
Iaelilerae promptly slapped him across the face, and the fox snarled with rage, yelling to his massive rat henchbeasts to have her beaten; they immediately complied.
Kelaiah yawned. Ara innocently sharpened her claws against a nearby rock. Sky, however, was fixated on the scene, alternately drawing maps and plans of battle in the earth with a stick and feverishly scribbling down notes on a clipboard.
Kel looked inquiringly at what his beloved - er, no not beloved, no, definitely not "beloved", no, his, uh . . . new partner, yeah, new partner . . . was doing.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
Sky looked up from her work and her gorgeous sapphire eyes peered deeply into Kel's brown ones and spoke softly, mellifluously. "We need a plan to kill off this horrid, cliche, abomination of a Sue, so I've taken the liberty of doing so," she added, grinning sweetly, her snowy pearly white teeth doing that little "ping" thing.
Kel almost melted with affection for the beautiful gorgeous spectacular ferretmaiden and her O so beautiful wondrous perfect gorgeous magnificent-
"Hey!" hissed an irritated voice in his ear, making him jump.
Turning, Kel found himself looking into a different pair of female eyes, only they were brown, ordinary, and murderous.
"Just what are you two whispering about over here?!" demanded Arawolf, glaring at the two ferrets.
"Nothing!" Kel was too quick to answer.
Both females looked at Kel (Ara looking even more suspicious/murderous/insane, while Sky looked somewhat perplexed), causing him to blush furiously.
"It wasn't nothing,Kel," Sky said, still looking at the male ferret with those humongous blue orbs. "I've been devising a plan on how to beat the Sue."
"Oh yeah?" challenged Ara, speaking just a bit too loudly. "And just what is that plan, O great and omnicognisant one?"
"Sssshhhh!" hissed Sky and Kel, both looking startled. "They'll hear uh-"
Suddenly the foliage was cleared with the swipe of a huge cutlass. . . .
. . . and looking down at them, was the fox warlord.
"Well, well," he purred. "What've we got here?"
Oh no! Just what are our heroes (if you want to call Sky that) going to do now?! Keep reading if you want to find out!
Uh oh,was the only thing that could come to Kel's mind, which is why he allowed Arawolf to do the talking, in hopes that fighting side by side with Sky would reconcile the feuding pair. And immediately regretted it, for although his partner could sometimes prove to be quite resourceful (there are surprisingly many commonplace objects in a forest that can prove fatal in a pinch), he had forgotten to take into account her current vindictive mood.
The marten smiled beatifically up at the massive, nastily grinning beast, and said with the utmost politeness, "Just a pair of traveling creatures, O king of foxes, who if needs must would gladly join you in your campaigns, if my lord would be so kind as to remove yonder she-ferret from my sight."
In a highly audible stage whisper, she leaned closer with a fiendish grin and whispered, "You don't have to pay her if you don't want to, my lord. Such a mighty beast and commander of slaves such as you should have no prob-"
Ara broke off in shock halfway through, upon noticing that she was addressing thin air. Spinning around, she saw that the black fox was kneeling at Sky's footpaws, crying out, "Have mercy, O beautiful and pure maiden! You have melted my heart and shown me the Light, please let me learn your ways of peace and do not condemn me for all my past crimes!"
Sky patted him tenderly on the head and raised him to his footpaws, her residual Sue-strength taking no note whatsoever of the fact that he was about two and a half times her size. "You are truly a wise and courageous fox, to throw off the shackles of your kind," she murmured, kissing him tenderly on the forehead.
Ara had turned somewhat of a greenish colour, and one shaking paw was clamped over her mouth, the other across her stomach, as she moaned feebly.
Kelaiah, inexplicably, appeared a little envious, but quickly shook his head and put on an unconvincing poker face.
"Now," said Sky gently, her voice so pure and clear as to rival the angels, and indeed her blue eyes glimmered like the sky of heaven, "what is your name?"
The fox fell to his knees once more and kissed her footpaw, answering humbly, "Deathlash Shadowfang, my lady, a warlord, slaver, and lover of the sins of the flesh, not worthy to even walk upon the earth you have trod."
"That will never do for one who has seen the Light of Goodness. You shall be known as Lifeshadow, for though your fur shall remain as dark as the wings of the raven, you have entered upon a new life and your soul has been made pure," the beautiful ferret replied, and her eyes, like twin stars, glowed with a faint hint of triumphant amusement as she picked up her broadsword and drove it with one paw into the back of his exposed neck.
Sky stood up, dusting off her paws. "Villain-Stu taken care of. One down, one to go."
Kel positively beamed. "That was awesome, Sky! Gosh, I've never had a partner who was so clever and strong and smart!"
She trotted forward and gave him an affectionate hug. "It was nothing, Kel. I hope we can learn from each other, and keep working so well as a team. You did great."
Despite the fact that he had done absolutely nothing, the ferret's grin grew even wider with gratitude.
Ara was sitting on the ground, knitting. "Er, you did good too, Ara," Kelaiah added hastily, patting her on the shoulder. The marten calmly put down her needles, half-turned to pick up his paw from her shoulder, dug her claws in, smiled, and released him.
"Oh," he muttered in a choked voice, his eyes starting to tear up with the pain. "It's one of those moods. That really was kind of uncalled for, Arawolf," he added, and suddenly, from some inner well of viciousness, "Sky doesn't randomly victimize her partners, Sky isn't a grumpy morbid know-it-all sadist who can't handle someone else being better than her..."
The marten sprang to her footpaws, and with a ferocious growl, shouldered her bag and stomped off into the woods, making sure to tread hard on the corpse of Lifeshadow as she went.
Sky shook her head sadly. "She really needs to learn to grow up. The world isn't all about her, but I guess somebeasts don't realise that until later..." She heaved a delicate sigh.
Kelaiah shrugged. "I better go after her. She might try to attack a random wolverine or something, you never know what pops into existence in Sueverses. Could you stay here for a while?"
Sky nodded. "I'll refine the plan of attack to deal with Iaelilerae, so we can keep moving when you get back."
When the ferret had disappeared among the faintly sparkling, perfectly formed trees, the new Sue-slayer could no longer suppress a wicked grin. Chuckling softly to herself, she stretched her lithe body out among the ferns and yawned, already plotting the final stages of her plan. The marten was creepy and potentially dangerous, and would be certainly harder to trick than that idiotic Stu, but she was impulsive and passionate, and Kelaiah would certainly tell her his partner's weaknesses.
At this, Sky smiled even more. Kelaiah, the loyal, experienced Kelaiah. The ferret was already besotted with her; it wouldn't take much to catch him off his guard.
He'd certainly be back soon, which was for the best; she had been ordered to move quickly. The handfuls of scattered organisations, each proclaiming itself better than the other and fiercely resisting unification, would never defeat the Sues, who worked and thought as one, together in their wish for universal peace and beauty.
Yet Sky found herself becoming impatient; she didn't want to spend another second around the Sue-slayers, whose very presence made revulsion and nausea rise in the pit of her stomach, but she had been informed that Turning them was an absolute no. Death was always quicker and more reliable, and, in non-Sues, permanent.
Well! Just when you thought things couldn't get any more twisted. . . .
"Ara! Ara!Hey Arrraaa," whined Kel as he jogged to catch up with his friend. Now that he wasn't around Sky anymore, his brain had started to function better again, and, thinking back to what he had said to the pine marten, he felt really stupid.
He really shouldn't have been surprised by Ara's attack, he had been around her long enough to expect that. Plus the way he compared her to Sky. . . . where had that come from? He'd never said anything that cruel.
"Ara, wait a minute!"
The pine marten in front of the ferret finally whirled around, her face wreathed in fury.
"What do you want, eh?!" she snarled, baring her fangs at him. "I thought you'd be much happier with Skyyy," she added, saying the name as though it was the filthiest swear word imaginable.
Kelaiah felt a grain of indignation form in him at this, but kept cool enough. "Look, don't go away. I'm really sorry for what I said-"
"Well you shouldbe!" Arawolf exclaimed, and - was there hurt in the marten's eyes?!
Kel almost blinked. Ara? Arawolf Beechclaw, hurt?! Must be a trick of the light around here. . . .
"To compare me to a Sue!"the marten went on, waving her arms about (Kel was very relieved that she wasn't holding her flying guillotine at the moment, or any other sharp pointy object). "And even if it is a reformed Sue, a Sue nonetheless! You already made that dig about my name sounding Sue-ish that one time and-!"
"Hey, myname was called Sue-ish at one point in time," objected Kelaiah, feeling a little definsive.
"Well, it wasn't by ME!" shouted Ara.
Kelaiah nodded. "You're right, you're right. It wasn't by you."
"Straight up it wasn't," the marten muttered, seemingly calming down a bit.
The ferret sighed. "Look, just come back, alright? You know that we need you-"
"HA!" Ara sneered, her old anger coming back at the thought of being within a ten foot radius of that little ferret-trollop. "You seemed to be doing plenty fine with Sky doing all the work!"
"Will you lay off of Sky?!" Kelaiah snapped, getting sick and tired of Ara's slights of his beloved- NO! Not beloved, their new team member. . . . "If it wasn't for her, that Villain Stu would still be alive!"
"Oh, so is that how it is?!" shrieked Ara, reaching into her bag, causing Kel to back away fearfully. His worst fears were confirmed as the Flying Guillotine was brought out.
Well, there was nothing else for it. Kel turned right around and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction, blessing his ability to run very fast (though not as fast a Stu). He could hear the whirling noise of the flying beheader, but thankfully, in her anger, Ara's aim was a little off, and she ended up beheading a fox-sue who appeared out of one of the plothole-portals.
But Kel kept on running, knowing that she'd throw again.
Which she did.
And, thankfully, missed again.
When Kel returned to where he left Sky, he paused, leaning forward and setting his paws on his knees, breathing hard. As soon as he had taken a sufficient amount of deep breaths, the male ferret stood up straight.
And was met by a wondrous sight!
The scenery had changed completely, from a blood-covered farm in the daytime to a magnificent lakeside at sunset.
The sky was all of the most beautiful shades of red, orange, gold, and dusky purple, with stars just beginning to appear in the easterly part of the sky, whereas the lakeside was all green and blue like emeralds and sapphires.
It was all so still and beautiful and perfect that Kel nearly forgot who he was and what he was doing here when-
-he heard footsteps hurrying towards him.
Whipping his head around, he saw Sky come racing towards him, looking a thousand times more prettier than she had ever looked.
"Kel!" she cried, seemingly explodingwith heavenly brilliance as she took his paws into hers'. "I think the Sueverse has collapsed on itself or something! But now's not the time, Iaelilerae is on the other side of this lake, where she is about to enter Redwall Abbey! We must stop her!"
Completely entranced by the ferret femme's breathtaking appearance, Kelaiah obediently followed her into the boat that was waiting for them, never once wondering where the boat had come from, or bothering to look across the lake to see if Iaelilerae really was there. . . .
Arawolf stomped through the woods, muttering and chuckling to herself, daydreaming of all the mean, terrible, rotten, nasty things she'd do to Sky and Kel in the near future, plotting like a mad scientist in a kiddy cartoon.
Suddenly it occured to her to put in a call to Adverk to let him know that she was coming back to the base. Reaching into her bag, she finally dug out her cell phone, muttering to herself about the choice of communication the Sue-Slayers chose, and dialed Adverk's number.
His voice, as it always was when she called, was irritable. "This is Ara, isn't it? What do you want now? I told you I recieved that court order stating quite clearly I couldn't allow you to have any more items that would somehow cause destruction, pain, or suffering."
"No, no, it's not about that!" the marten snapped, gesticulating wildly despite the fact that Adverk obviously couldn't see her. "I just wanted to give you a piece of my mind about your new recruitment program, which now that I think about it is just bloody stupid. Even reformed Sues really grate on my nerves, and if I have to spend one more second in the presence of Sky the Perfect and her new Speshul Friend Kelaiah, I am going to go completely berserk, and you already told me during orientation that if I kill one of my partners there's a lot of tedious paperwork to fill out, so as much as I'd like to just get rid of the both of them I really shouldn't, and furthermore I would like to know just how the buggering hell beginning Slayers like myself are supposed to ever acquire any sodding experience if strumpets like that are just going to skip on in and do everything perfectly in under five seconds, and since I've been dying to say this the entire day you can just take this bleeding program of yours and shove it-"
Strangely, Adverk had not interrupted once throughout this entire rant, but now she heard a long, slow intake of breath. In a quiet, deadly voice, probably a relic of her leader's flame-war days, he said, "Arawolf... who is this 'Sky,' and what program have I instigated and should now be shoving into some delicate part of my person?"
Ara blinked, her eyes slowly narrowing. "May I ask you to repeat," she said softly, "what you have just stated to me, oh dearest Adverk whom I now apologise sincerely for screaming at?"
The usual grouchiness returned. "I said, there is no 'recruitment program' for Sues. That's just idiotic, not to mention suicidal. I haven't a clue what you're talking about, and if you allowed yourself and Kelaiah to just immediately swallow this story she gave you I'd say things are already pretty far gone. I'd move it if I were you." There was a click, and then silence.
Ara stood there quietly, paws hanging limply at her sides, not even bothering to turn off the phone. Then her skinny shoulders began to quiver, and a low, deranged giggle began to rise in her throat; in a few moments the marten was shaking all over and fairly screaming with maniacal laughter. "I KNEW IT!" she howled. "I KNEW IT! OH, SWEET, SWEET JUSTIFICATION, THY TIME IS NOW! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAhaaohhhhbugger," she trailed off feebly. "Kelaiah... he must still be with... oh, bugger," she repeated, crouching to pick up the Flying Guillotine from the ground and shoving it into her knapsack, preferring to use the garlic-coated scimitar for accuracy's sake.
An idea occurred to her just then, a lovely idea, beneficial to all currently involved and quite good for her own personal stress relief. A few moments' pawing through the knapsack resulted in the location of her Pan-Continuual Sue-Locating System, a handy adaption of a GPS that only required the target and current universe (any warpings of canon being automatically taken into account by the satellites it recieved signals from), providing that they had been previously entered into its database, to produce the exact location of the Mary Sue in question.
Ara's inner geek was jumping up and down with sheer glee at the wonderful technology as she hurriedly entered the information; the Redwall Division had somehow won the privilege to test all new Sue-fighting devices as they were invented, and although some of them frequently exploded upon use, it was generally quite fun.
A soft beeping called her back to the small screen of the PCSLS; in a coordinate grid of this sector of Mossflower a small pink dot indicating Iaelilerae GoldenSunlight, as well as a pulsing red dot to show her own current location in relation to the Sue's. Though she knew time was of the essence, Ara could not resist calling up a second window and searching for 'Aeravai Zasylva Skyshard.'
NO MATCHING SUES FOUND, came the message. SUCKS FOR YOU, DOESN'T IT. It was not the first time she'd got the impression that the technicians found the whole thing somewhat of a joke.
With a resigned shrug, she returned to Iaelilerae's screen, looked at it once more in hopes of memorising the locations, and bounded off on the hunt.
The boat scarcely rocked on the still, shimmering waters of the lake, and the often seasick Kelaiah accepted this with vast relief. But still, he thought, shouldn't we actually be heading towards Redwall if the Sue's arrival there is imminent? And come to think of it... I don't see Redwall Abbey anywhere around he...
His thoughts were abruptly cut off as he felt Sky lean against his shoulder, letting her paddle clatter to the floor of the boat. "So, Kel," she began softly, "what else do you know about Arawolf? Is there anything she's really passionate about- besides British curse words and bloodshed," she added with a little chuckle, and despite himself Kelaiah giggled along with her for a moment.
"Er..." he said after a moment's thought. "I'm taking 'passionate' in its most literal sense here, so-"
"Fine with me," Sky said with a dazzling smile, and punched him playfully on the shoulder. Kelaiah shook his head frantically, then muttered "Darn flies," for explanation's sake and took a random swipe at the air.
"Um... as I was saying," he continued, scooting over to the opposite side of the boat, "she really likes Jack Sparrow, you know, from Pirates, um... chocolate... she used to like this singer called Voltaire but there was this really nasty thing with this Marty Stu that she doesn't like me to talk about so I suppose that's out, her obsession with that H.P. Lovecraft guy is starting to scare me, she's a total Harry Potter fanatic - once she had this totally crazy infatuation with Lucius Malfoy, but now she doesn't which is really for the best because it really just annoyed me, and um, oh, and she really loves the Enlightenment, y'know, all those guys in France or whatever with philosophy and all that jazz, er-"
"That's good," Sky replied smoothly, and she spoke with such innocent happiness that he didn't see it as an interruption at all. Her paw, meanwhile, inched closer and closer to the razor-sharp dagger in her belt; the fact that it was made of diamond-hard steel that gleamed like lightning in the setting sun, with a beautifully wrought hilt and jet handle inlaid with glowing sapphires, didn't change its intended purpose.
All the while, she was smiling, and Kelaiah, rather stupidly, grinned back as she said softly, with just the right amount of shyness, "You know, it's only been a few hours, but here, on this beautiful evening, I... I kind of realized I've really come to like you..."
It was at that precise moment that Kelaiah's cell phone rang, shattering the moment and resulting in an extremely awkward silence.
"Um... sorry.." he muttered, and, burning, feeling like hot sword-tips were pricking at him all over, pulled out the phone.
"I'm kind of busy right now," he said, a bit more harshly than was needed, and cringed at first when he heard Ara's voice. But the marten seemed perfectly cheery; serene, in fact.
"Oh, I'm sorry," his partner answered. "I just wanted to let you know that I've found the Sue, and I really could use- BACK, YOU GOLDEN DEMONESS, BACK I SAY!- some help, it's a bloody powerful one, I'm on the western side of the big lake, near the treeline, so- OH SWEET AZATHOTH OH BUGGER OHBUGGEROHBUGGEROHBUGGER-"
There was a click.
"Sorry, Sky," Kelaiah told her, kissing her paw in a delicate and chivalrous apology. "Ara's in trouble and we have to go save her, now! It sounded like the Sue almost had her! She's on the western bank of the lake, which is all the way back-"
In the next instant, Sky had seized the paddle, and with her strength, the boat was bumping solid ground in under a minute. Her plans could evolve as the situation warranted; Iaelilerae would doubtless join her and she'd kill both birds with one stone.
"-right here," Kel finished, his jaw dropping in amazement.
"Hurry!" Sky cried, and raced off with blinding speed; Kel hurried along as best he could in her wake.
Kelaiah had been expecting screams, roars, clashing weaponrry; anything to indicate the sounds of conflict. Yet it had been eerily calm and silent in the woods, which, as evening fell, glowed with sparks of pink light like fireflies, though it was really just the excess Sue-energy combusting as it came in contact with the air.
As they entered the clearing where Kel's own PCSLS had indicated Ara and Iaelilerae were, a shocking sight met their eyes. Sky clapped a silvery paw to her mouth in horror.
The marten sat, cross-legged and smiling, in the middle of the open space, perfectly serene and unharmed, though her paws were dripping blood. All around her were pieces of golden fur, unidentifiable lumps submerged in small sparkling pools of crimson-pink, and other, still recognizable... bits... scattered around.
It was evident, altogether, that Ara had literally torn the Sue to pieces. Then she slowly rose, and instinctively both Sue-slayers stepped back a little, Kelaiah turning somewhat pale.
"Ara?" Kel said, wrinkling his brow at the pine marten.
Ara walked slowly forward, arms loosely at her sides, until she stood in front of Sky. The ferret blinked down at her, still wary and slightly disgusted as the marten offered a gore-stained paw to shake, but out of politeness she took it nonetheless, and the wet, horrifying feel of the dripping paw clasping her own momentarily attracted all the Sue's attention.
Then Sky shrieked in agony; Ara had drawn her scimitar and sliced a long, shallow gash down the ferretmaid's side. Kelaiah screamed with her, and swayed on his footpaws with shock and terror, stammering incoherently. He'd never expected something that serious... Had Ara really gone mad? The evidence was all around them...
But a sizzling sound and a ghastly smell alerted his dazed mind to the truth. His dear friend, his new partner, his Sky, was clutching her side and screaming like a banshee as the wound sparked and belched forth smoke and the mingled stench of burning flesh and... garlic?!
The scimitar... his mind muttered to himself. But if she was reformed, the effects wouldn't... then she's really... Oh, no... Suddenly the world had gone very black, and Kelaiah crumbled to the ground.
Ara sneered down at her foe, who was doubled over, still screeching, on the ground. "That hurts you, doesn't it? A little wound like that wouldn't hurt so much to an ordinary beast like me, but ah, the burning, the garlic works. Just as I expected... Sue."
With a feral growl, Sky pulled the dagger from her belt, her teeth and claws bared and all her mighty strength tensed, and lunged at the marten, who raised her scimitar to parry as the fight began.
When Kel came to, the first clear conscious thought that came to mind was: I fainted.
The ferret blinked. I FAINTED?! . . . Ah, crap.
The sounds of a steel ringing and feminine screams brought Kel back to reality and he scrambled to his feet, whipping out his own garlic-coated dagger.
Ara had sent her blade forward at the Sue, ready for when it sank deep into Sky's oh-so-Sue-ish chest, but there was one thing Ara momentarily forgot: Sky was a Sue.
And Sues have good reflexes.
Sky went flying over the marten's head in a spectacular somersault, landing lightly on her footpaws and slicing at Ara's back. Fortunately, the marten was still going forward with her thrust, and lost her footing. Ara stumbled forward, staggering to keep on her feet while turning around to ward off Sky's second attack--
--but the Sue's dagger was blocked by another dagger.
Sky felt a paw grab at her arm, and then felt another paw, a footpaw, kick her legs out from under her. Still keeping a hold of her dagger, Sky whipped her tail out and tripped her offender: Kel, who fell solidly to the ground.
Sky would've lovedto have lunged at the male ferret and plunged her knife into his horrenduous filthy non-Stu-ish chest, except Ara was back on her feet with her scimitar at the ready. If Sky made a move on Kel, the marten wouldn't hesitate to kill.
Leaping backwards, the Sue held out her blade, sizing up her enemies as Kel jumped to his feet to stand side-by-side with Ara.
"Hey," the male ferret said with slight hesitance to the female marten.
"Hey," was the calm reply before she turned back to Sky and proclaimed with a fair imitation of the Sue (or any Sue for that matter), "You are vanquished, Sue. Surrender and I'll disembowel you as painlessly as possible."
Blowing air out her cute button nose, Sky suddenly gave a smile that could only be described as frighteningly disturbing. "You think you've got me, little marten? Oh, don't be so confident. I know about all your strengths and weaknesses, thanks to your boyfriend here."
Ara's face, reflecting her emotions, changed with everything the Sue said, from suspicion to the first part of the sentence, to horror at the middle of the sentence, and wrathful indignation at Kelaiah being called her boyfriend - EW!
Oh, and she was also mad at Kel for blabbing about all her strengths and weaknesses, which is why she glared furiously at him. Kelaiah didn't look any more flattered at being called Ara's boyfriend (EW!), but he spared the marten an apologetic glance before returning to glare hatefully at the Sue.
Sky snapped her perfectly manicured claws, and a large chocolate bar appeared out of thin air. Dangling it like a chew toy in front of a puppy, she said snidely, "Here marten marten..."
Ara didn't even look at the chocolate; she merely snarled, a low, rumbling, almost totally feral sound, and the strength of the Death Stare™ made Kelaiah cringe and whimper even from several feet away.
But Sky only smirked. "That obviously wasn't going to work. Even somebeast as delusional and base as yourself wouldn't abandon her friends and ideals for food. But there are other things I can cater to than addictions to candy, darling..."
Kelaiah turned pale. It was the Marty Stu at Redwall all over again, but now she knew that there was a version that hadn't been tried yet-
-Sky took a deep breath, summoning all her energies, and raised her paw to snap-
-and Kelaiah stepped back and took a running tackle, knocking the slender Sue head over tail and causing her to skid several feet in the dirt, though her fur of course stayed shining and unruffled.
She leapt to her paws in an instant, her eyes burning like blue fire with rage. "How dare you!" she sputtered, rage overtaking her better senses. "Well, two can play at that!" Drawing herself up like a cat, the ferret femme pounced on Kelaiah with tremendous speed, pressing his shoulder down with one slim, powerful paw and forcing his head down and back with the other to bare his throat, all in an instant. He struggled feebly, but she was far too strong for him, and so close she seemed to exude some strange scent, alluring at first but sickly sweet underneath; decay cloaked in the finest perfume.
And it was decay, his swimming mind philosophized vaguely, the decay of respect for a well-told story, the decomposing of everything a true writer stood for, and to have it... have it replaced... with... with... Gosh, Sky's pretty, was his last vaguely conscious thought as the scent overwhelmed him and his head drooped limply back upon the grass.
The beautiful ferret smiled, and raised her dagger.
And Ara, lunging from the side, swung the scimitar with a force she didn't know she possessed, slicing into the soft flesh between pelvis and ribcage and nearly splitting the Sue in half.
Such a wound would have killed an ordinary creature in moments, but of course Aeravai Zasylva Skyshard was no ordinary creature. She managed to stagger upright, off the limp Kelaiah, clutching her side with trembling paws as though to hold back the thick, foul-smelling smoke and the torrent of sparkling blood that poured forth with it.
"You will never defeat us..." she hissed. "You may turn away our creators, whispering your lies of 'proper writing' into their helpless ears and depriving us of life, or you may try to drive us out with cruel words and fire, but we are proper writing. We should have been the past, we can change the present to our liking, and we shall be the future. We have never surrendered to fear and hate and pain, and we never shall surrender... we are strong in our bodies, our minds, and our hearts... we... are..."
Her head drooped downwards and to the side; the blood-drenched paws slackened and fell away, allowing the glimmering flood to continue unabated. Sky collapsed, lifeless, to the ground.
The marten stood there silently for a moment, feeling the faint twinge of nausea that always followed awakening from the Bloodwrath-like trance of killing. The ferret Sue's final words had had a ring of, if not truth, something deeper to them; some inner ideology never once betrayed by the vapidity of badfic's manifestations. Yet they continued to attack not just with weapon or tooth and claw, but by trying to appeal to her lesser emotions; greed, hunger, or, more commonly, lust.
They were formidable enemies, but it seemed almost as though they undervalued... no, it did not seem, she knew they undervalued the strength of the non-Sue spirit. And that could, someday...
...Oh, right, she recalled. Kelaiah isn't dead. Better go and help him.
Bending down, she grasped his shoulders and dragged him off as best she could, out of the clearing and back to the bank of the lake, which, as she watched, fizzled, sparkled a couple times, and disappeared as reality started to sag, undulate, and drip once again.
Her paws tightened convulsively on her partner's shoulders, and he awoke with a yelp as ten meticulously sharpened claws accidentally dug into his flesh.
They were floating in total darkness, though not really moving, just rocking up and down with a gentle, wavelike motion. A tiny speck of light, like the very faintest and most distant of stars, appeared in the corner of his vision, and, as they watched, rushed towards them, growing larger and larger and developing depth and color and recognizable shapes as it expanded to engulf them-
-and they popped right into the middle of the ordinary universe, right outside the tent. It had ceased to rain, and pale sunlight filtered down through the trees. All about them was fresh, cool air, filled with the rich scent of wet earth and growing things.
Kel blinked.
Ara took a deep breath and scratched vaguely at the back of her neck.
Kel fidgeted slightly, plucking at a few blades of grass.
Ara doodled something with tentacles in the dirt with one claw.
"Er," said Kel at last, after a few agonizing minutes of staring intently at a nearby rock. "Um. About..."
"Yeah. Sorry about that. I really just kind of lost it and... yeah. I didn't mean to... you know, try to actually kill you and all... so, um, yeah."
"You know how she called me your... um, she implied we were... um, that you..."
"No."
"Then-"
"No."
He was aware of pages rustling; ancient, crumbling pages, filled with things better left unwritten, in words scrawled by a trembling hand fully aware of the crime it was committing, and stained with who knew exactly what...
"Oh. That's good," the male ferret nodded. Somehow it didn't bother him that a female (particularly this female) was disgusted at the thought of being "involved" with him.
"Yep."
"Could you put the book away?" he added as an afterthought.
She sat up. "But," she said quietly, beckoning him closer, "there is something I've always wanted to tell you..."
A weird little tremble came into his heart at these words. Nonetheless Kel leaned over, until she could whisper in his ear, his heart starting to pound with nervousness.
"NI!" she screamed, and laughed maniacally as he fell backwards, whimpering yet grinning in spite of himself.
It would seem that things had, sort of, returned to normal. Or as normal as normal could be around Arawolf Beechclaw, and Kel had been privately entertaining, for weeks, a hypothesis that she actually exuded some sort of normality-frying aura that allowed her to pass through ordinary society unharmed, and still as psychotic as ever. It was certainly possible.