Disclaimer: D. Gray-man is the rightful property of Katsura Hoshino-sensei.
Spoiler warning: Do you even need to ask? It's Kanda's past.
Enjoy.
Nothing is erased easily from a heart.
(Knowing what is real could help a bit, but only a bit.)
You can't switch from one life (test subject) to another (exorcist) as smoothly as you would wish; what else could you expect, anyways, seeing what haunts you.
There isn't anyone there as you wake from a nightmare, and that's yet another thing that haunts you.
(Yu.)
However much you hate it.
(Yu, what are you thinking?)
Being bothered by meaningless rubbish.
(Have you forgotten?)
You couldn't have forgotten, not a single thing.
(Do you think you are human, Yu?)
But you just so determinately don't want to remember either.
You said it yourself, didn't you?
People die… as long as they remain human.
I will not die.
When do people cease to be human?
(Maybe it should be reversed – people remain human as long as they die.)
Maybe if you are dragged out of the peace of your death by people who play gods forcing you - in a derisive mockery of reincarnation - into an abnormal, modified body, maybe then you aren't human anymore.
(Because the human had died, as you yourself said.)
(But if so, what is it that is left?)
It just may be so.
Of course it is a gamble; you made your bet long ago. Now the only thing you can do is clutch the thing which brought you another unwanted resurrection and repeat the words that sound so much like confession:
I will live.
(Otherwise, why would you have done this?)
You remember the darkness, don't you.
(It never left your eyes.)
How much you wanted to stay there, and how desperately you longed for its comforting coldness.
You also remember the first face you saw with your eyes and the first voice you heard in your ears, Happy Birthday, Yu.
Happy Birthday, Kanda!
Who the hell told you jerks when my birthday was?
(As if that moment was anything worth celebrating.)
Another flower falls slowly from above, landing at your feet, but you pretend not to notice, even though there isn't anyone to pretend in front of.
Why won't you smile, Kanda?
(Why won't you smile, why won't you laugh, why won't you cry; you have reasons for each.)
It could be because you remember both the first time you laughed (funny) and the last time you laughed (hurt; madness); you remember each time you cried (cold; betrayal; longing; loss; sorry), and you remember the one time you smiled (happy; hopeful); and you don't want to remember that (escape; denial).
(It could be that, but who knows.)
It is an illusion.
A polite euphemism to say, You are hallucinating.
His consciousness is becoming unstable.
You are falling into insanity, simply; still apparently not an insanity you couldn't bear.
(You have, for nine years now.)
Your Innocence, we have named it Mugen.
Six Illusions. First illusion, second illusion, third illusion, fourth illusion, fifth illusion, sixth illusion, take my life to the sky.
(The old man looks at you knowingly.)
(But who knows better than you.)
You are fighting, and so are the others, yet no one else sees how beautiful your battleground is.
(With the Akuma it is better, no blood to stain the flowers.)
An Akuma is…
(You know that already, but you also know protesting is useless.)
…a soul who is denied rest and abused with the use of dark arts to serve its creator.
They are most pitiful.
The way in which it sounds familiar is the one you detest, and the more it reminds you of something someone once told you, the more you refuse to dwell on it.
(This is what you'd call an Akuma…)
(Then what about you?)
You say nothing; you only wonder briefly just what your teacher is thinking.
Our little Second. Just don't you mess in the HQ.
(Before he even says it, you know you loathe him.)
There is also another guy, and a little girl lurking behind him, cowering at the sight of that lout but still eyeing you curiously.
Your name is Kanda Yu, isn't it? Welcome to the Exorcist Headquarters, Yu-kun.
It's Kanda. Or I'll kill you.
You find the HQ decorated – here and there - with blooming Lotus flowers, but you have expected nothing different, so you don't really mind. In your room you occasionally lift one and study it with an indifferent expression on your face, agreeing to appreciate its beauty.
(A beautiful curse is still a curse.)
(It's not even the flowers, it's what they appear to mean.)
You place your sword among the bloom where it should rightfully belong.
(Everything is an illusion, but maybe it's better this way.)
You are caught staring.
Standing at a distance while everyone else is crowding about, picking up unnecessarily thoughtless comments.
Does it look human..?
It's a monster…
It must be human or they wouldn't be acting like that…
The person they are talking about is dying; there is a lot you could tell them, but you avert your eyes and walk away, as it is really none of your concern.
It is not long after you protected that idiot, is it? You remember the disbelief in his face and voice.
(You once used to assume they would push you to the frontline.)
(Is it because they never did that you are running there by yourself?)
This is your job, after all.
(A destiny, yet in the end you chose it.)
You do your best to close your ears not to hear, close your eyes not to see, close your heart not feel.
(You don't want to know what would happen if you didn't.)
You try to hide all the illusions and reasons and shields.
(Are you an illusion?)
You attempt to forget why you are living and at what cost.
(I'm sorry.)
You fight to keep everyone at the length of your weapon of illusions.
(Even the guy from back then; what are they all thinking anyways?)
You run through your beautiful battleground, refusing to understand there isn't anything else.
Author's Note: If I am to be a fanfiction writer, something like this must be taken out of my head every once in a while… (At least once a year.)
Don't look for chronological order. If you're not sure if you get something, please ask. Some situations and lines are from the manga, some aren't; characters all are. I know it's a mess…
(Actually, I wrote it first, and then put the parts in the order they have now.)
Please review~!