This story is set after Magnus visits Alec at the Institute in CoHF. He kisses Alec, then tells him it was a mistake kissing him and coming to see him. He backs away from Alec, leaving him alone again. For the purpose of this story, there is no psychopathic murder on the loose, it's just Magnus and Alec trying to figure out where to go from here.
Alec was walking the streets of New York City with his head tucked into his coat to block the chill December wind. He was lost inside his head, as he had been for nearly two months. When Magnus had first broken up with him in that disused subway tunnel, he had kissed Alec and told him that he loved him, giving Alec hope that their relationship could be saved and leading Alec to call and text him relentlessly.
That hope was gone. Gone with the words 'It was a mistake' chasing themselves through Alec's mind eternally. When he last saw Magnus, standing outside the Institute, and Magnus said that he forgave Alec and then kissed him again, that hope had been rekindled. But the hope had shattered into a million tiny pieces as Magnus backed away from him, shaking his head, and saying those four words. It was a mistake.
Alec spent all of his free time walking these days, trying to escape the pain. He found no comfort at the Institute, for there his family, especially Jace and Izzy, always wanted to talk about how Alec was feeling and how he was doing. How the fuck did they think he was doing? He'd lost Magnus, and he hurt, and it wasn't getting any better.
Alec saw those green-gold cat eyes everywhere he looked, even in his sleep. He felt Magnus's fingertips brushing his cheeks, his soft lips kissing him, his hands finding all the sensitive places on Alec's body. Sometimes he could even feel Magnus hands firmly gripping his hips in pleasure and desire as he moved within Alec. He longed so much to actually feel these things. He longed so much for Magnus that he felt his heart would bleed from the pain and emptiness.
The sky overhead was gray, perfectly matching Alec's mood. He had no destination as he meandered through the city. He just needed to be alone with his depressing thoughts and try to figure out some way to get through it.
The sky opened up and deposited tiny white flakes of snow on every available surface. Alec quickly decided it was best for him to catch a cab and maybe find some place warm to hide out for a while.
He tossed a hand into the air and, in true Magnus fashion, hailed a cab immediately. He climbed into the back and gave the driver an address, some 20 blocks away, to a small café where he could warm up with a coffee and attempt to read a book or magazine. They rode in silence for several blocks, Alec ignoring the soft music playing on the cab's radio, and still thinking of Magnus, of his last words to Alec. It was a mistake. It was a mistake. It was a mistake.
Alec didn't think it was a mistake, not the relationship and most certainly not the kiss. Alec didn't think it was a mistake for Magnus to show up at the Institute, for he had wanted so many times to show up unannounced at Magnus's loft. He didn't think it was a mistake for Magnus to forgive him. The only mistake he saw was their relationship ending. That was the mistake. Why couldn't Magnus see that?
He had long since given up trying to contact Magnus or sending his friends over to try to convince Magnus to take him back. What was the point in contacting him when he thought kissing Alec was a mistake? What could he possibly say that would change the warlock's mind?
He dimly registered the buildings passing by, and the light dusting of snow on the sidewalks. He saw Magnus's face reflecting back at him in the window of the cab, though it was impossible. He saw Magnus' face everywhere these days, and each time it was like a new wound, or an old one opening up and bleeding freely.
The driver was humming along to the song on the radio. Somehow, the words of the song reached Alec in this awful place inside his head.
"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh-ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all"
"Pull over! Stop the car!" Alec said to the cabbie. "You have to let me out!"
The driver looked up in alarm. "But we haven't reached your destination," he said, uncomprehendingly.
"JUST STOP THE GODDAMNED CAR!" he shouted. He hated being rude but he had to get away from that song. It was boring into him like thousands of hot, painful needles. He had to get away.
The driver pulled the car over and Alec threw a handful of bills at him, not knowing or caring how much money he had just spent. He launched himself onto the sidewalk and stumbled toward an alley. He leaned against the cold brick wall, trying to catch his breath and regain his composure.
Magnus's face was staring at him in his mind, concern written all over it. But he knew that wasn't the case. Magnus had no reason to be concerned about him. It was a mistake.
He collected himself and started down the sidewalk, trying to get his bearings. He wasn't sure where the cab had deposited him, he had not been paying attention to that, after all.
Eventually, he recognized a coffee house and ducked inside out of the cold winter chill. He vaguely registered the fact that he knew this place, somewhere that wasn't in his own neighborhood. The only reason for him to know it was that he had visited the store with Magnus, which meant Magnus could, potentially, show up here any time.
He stood in line behind several people, happy couples merrily chatting, a young man wearing a NYU sweatshirt, a girl with hot-pink hair. When his turn came, he placed his order for plain black coffee, paid the cashier and waited. A song filtered to him from high in the ceiling rafters, this one hammering into him as badly as the one in the cab.
"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do"
Alec froze, his heart beating rapidly from the area of his throat, blood pounding in his ears. The universe seemed to be trying to break him today. And again, all he could see was Magnus's face, his beautiful eyes shining back at him.
Fortunately, at that moment the clerk handed him his coffee, which he ripped from her hand and darted toward the door. He slid on the pavement, the snow was beginning to accumulate, and turned on his heel heading east, and ran headlong into a tall, very familiar, figure.
Alec's eyes traveled upward, taking in the familiar long, heavy, black leather trench coat, the black pants and black leather boots. His pulse raced at the familiarity in the outline of the man's shape, and the scent of sandalwood and burnt-sugar that he was achingly accustomed to, and missed so fiercely. When his eyes finally met Magnus's, his heart seemed to stop, a wave of cold rushing over him, freezing him in place.
He had never seen Magnus look like this in public. His hair disheveled, wearing all black, devoid of make-up or glitter. His heart broke a little more at the sight of Magnus this way.
It was a mistake.
"Alec?" Magnus said, unable to hide the shock on his face at literally running into his ex-boyfriend.
Alec stared at Magnus, opening and closing his mouth, unable to form a thought or a sentence. He had seen Magnus's face so many times recently when Magnus wasn't even there that a small part of him wondered if this was just another hallucination. But he knew that wasn't true. Magnus was standing there in front of him for the first time in nearly three weeks, and Alec was astonished into silence.
"Alec?" Magnus repeated. "Are you alright?" And there was that look of concern Alec was sure he would never see again. What gave Magnus the right to look at him that way? Of course he wasn't alright. He was anything but alright.
It was a mistake.
Alec shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. Abruptly, he said, "It wasn't a mistake, Magnus."
He pushed past Magnus, bumping into his shoulder as he went, and took off, racing down the slippery sidewalk, needing to put distance between himself and the warlock. Magnus stood in the middle of the sidewalk, staring after him, wondering what had just happened, and feeling the loss of Alec all over again. He suddenly wasn't in the mood for coffee anymore.
A/N: Song #1 is "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins and song #2 is "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts.