Disclaimer: Thanks to Chase for the inspiration; please check out his music. Doctor Who is not mine.
I need you here now, more than ever before.
Cause if you're not by my side, then tell me what is worth living for?
I never had the courage to tell you how I feel.
But honestly I've always loved you and I promise I always will.
-"Never Had the Courage" by Chase Coy
Hello!
How are you? How's the weather? How's Oh buggerit, I'll just get to the point.
I'm a coward. I admit it fully. I'm a coward, always running, never looking back. Sure I run headfirst into danger and I'm the first one on the scene when trouble is to be had, but at hearts, I'm a coward. The Oncoming Storm hides a broken old man who is afraid. Afraid the past will catch up (I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry), afraid to live (I don't deserve it), afraid to love (don't leave me). It wasn't fair to you, but that's how it is. I'm a coward.
And now I'm a lonely, old coward. But that's what happens when you're the destroyer of your own people, I guess. This is retribution. Forever alone, growing older and older, forever a coward.
Sometimes I pick up the phone on the console and dial the number to your mum's flat or to your mobile. I could hear your voice. You wouldn't know me, wouldn't say my name in that way that only you can that makes my hearts race, but I could hear your voice. If I just pushed that final button, made the call. But I never can. I'm a coward.
I miss you. Oh Rassilon, I miss you. Yeah, I've had companions, more people to ruin, more lives to destroy. They were brilliant. So brilliant. No one quite as brilliant as you, but oh, they were terrific. I wish you could have seen them. But then, if you had been there, I wouldn't have needed them, wouldn't have met them, wouldn't have tainted them. I miss you so so much.
Do you think of me? Probably not. You've got that other me. The me that is me but isn't me. Oh sure, he looks like me, talks like me (and like Donna), but there's a big difference. He's not a coward. He could say the words I never could. He could love you with his one single heart that beat only for you. Mine do too, or did, before I regenerated. Those hearts were made for you. They were yours; they were always yours. But I could never say those words that you needed to hear. I thought you knew. I was so sure you knew and it just didn't need saying. But I'm a fool. I lost my chance. You shouldn't miss me. You've got bigger and better things to be doing. Because you're amazing. And I'm a coward.
I'm not sure how I've managed to keep going without you; I never thought I could. But here I am. In my TARDIS. Still alive, but not really living.
It's selfish, but I hope you're thinking of me. I dream that you can't stop thinking about me, that you're wondering how I'm doing, if I'm alone, if I think of you. I want you to be happy but I want you to miss me.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret what I didn't (couldn't) say. So now, here it is.
I love you.
I love you, Rose Tyler, and I'm sorry I never had the courage to tell you.
Forever yours,
The Doctor
The Shake to your Shiver