Round 2
2048 words…
Blasphemy
"By a name
I know not how to tell thee who I am.
My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,
Because it is an enemy to thee;
Had I it written, I would tear the word."
Romeo and Juliet- Act II, Scene II
"Take care of yourself…" Those were the last words I said to her; the last sentence I muttered before something inside me, something that had become vital to me, shattered and died. I'd thought that I had felt dead enough before I ever met her; that I was meant to live a doomed and monotonous existence- but now… now it all just felt absolutely meaningless. I left her. I left her alone in that forest in attempts to protect her from danger- danger like me. I did it to keep her from getting hurt, but that was done in vain.
I broke her heart. Thus, I had reduced mine from its dead and frozen state to a pile of ashes. For all intents and purposes, I had been cremated. And I had no competence at all to revive anything from out of the dust.
Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust… If only I were so lucky.
I didn't speak to my family after what I did to her. It wasn't that I blamed them at all. I did not blame Jasper for his actions, either. His mishap the other night was just the tip of an iceberg that I knew couldn't be avoided for long. When I came back, I isolated myself from the rest of them, using that time to think- maybe even reminisce a little. Then, I decided it was best that I'd leave. I didn't bother saying good-bye to the family. Alice would tell them, send my regards. I couldn't face them; I couldn't face anyone. I was no longer immortal, just as I was no longer mortal. I wasn't dead. I didn't want to be. I wanted to be something lower, more grave than death. I wanted to be nonexistent. Alas, I couldn't be such a thing- so instead, I was an inanimate object.
For months, I lied there on the creaky twin bed of my small apartment in Seattle, not moving… playing dead… I'd go out every once in a while so not to raise suspicion, but whenever I did I walked as if I really were part of the undead. I fed less and less, whether it was out of depression or just to further torture myself for hurting her. I had to keep telling myself that it was for the best- the best for her. Humans, unlike vampires, could change and forget. I could only hope she would move on and be able to live a normal and happy life; the kind of life I could never give her.
Life… She will have a life, I kept reminding myself. She would live.
During one of my few walks, I happened to wander past an old cemetery. A ceremony was being held, and the memories of the mourners hit me like a ton of bricks. A little girl in what looked like a Sunday dress- pink, knee length, with lots of ribbons- eliciting high pitched giggles as her mother giddily chases her around a bright, sunlight filled house… the same girl at ten years of age in her pajamas and jumping on her bed, while singing some pop song at the top of her lungs as her father films the whole thing with a big smile on his face… then another of her picture on a missing flyer… and finally the aged face of her mother after hearing the news of her bare, mutilated body being found on the side of some road. The girl was only fifteen years old. What made me wince were the similarities: long brown hair and big brown eyes- just like…
My eyes squeezed shut and I pinched the bridge of my nose, something I'd been known to do when frustrated. It didn't matter that I closed my eyes, though. I still saw her, my brown eyes, on the night she almost faced the same fate. I saved her that night, just as I saved her several other times. That was something I'd made her promise me; to not do anything that would get her in danger, to not do anything reckless or stupid. But was a promise enough?
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Of course it was enough. My leaving was to help ensure that. But still…
As I lied in my bed later that night, I couldn't stop thinking about the unfortunate circumstances of that fifteen year old girl. I closed my eyes and thought of how peaceful she might have looked in her coffin, of where her soul would be resting now. Then, I suddenly saw her. Right there before my eyes, I saw her lying in that coffin- instead of the younger girl. Her skin was paler, her face no longer blushing that beautiful shade I'd become so accustomed to. My love, my reason for existence being buried six feet under, never to reveal her breathtaking complexion ever again.
"Bella!" My eyes shot open as I sat straight up in my bed. That was the first time I said her name in months. For a moment there, I could've sworn the vision was real- yet my eyes were closed. It was almost like… dreaming? Was I dreaming?
I shook my head. No, impossible; vampires can't sleep, or dream like humans can for that matter. Though, that didn't explain what I just saw. Maybe it really was a vision; perhaps Alice was somewhere near. She'd been coming by every once in a while, though her visits were brief (and remarkably silent). I hastily pulled out my phone and hit speed dial. She answered before the end of the first ring.
"Yes," her silver-chime voice came on through the line.
I hesitated for a moment. I had not spoken more than five words to any of my other loved ones since I left Forks.
"This is the part where you say, 'Hello, dear sister; I have missed you so much!'" she teased.
I let out a humorless scoff. Figures how she can make some of the most dismal moments seem even a tad more lighthearted.
"You want to know how she's doing, right?"
I nodded, knowing- with her gift- she would see it.
"Why don't you go down there and see for yourself?"
I shook my head, thinking of all the reasons why I shouldn't do such a thing. I'm not sure if it was the continuous silence or that she might've seen me preaching all the reasons I was currently thinking of, but she sighed and answered.
"Fine, if you want to keep playing Boo Radley… She's not in any kind of trouble, at least not physically." She murmured the last part a little lower, and I winced at the mentioning of it.
"Really Edward," she said. "Just consider coming back; please? Bella- she's… well, she's doing about as fine as you are, if not worse. She's practically nothing but a shell now, and she keeps disappearing on and off at times. It's beginning to worry me, Edward."
I said nothing. I just couldn't imagine anyone doing worse than I was at getting by. No, Bella might feel hurt now, but her wounds would heal eventually. I could never go back. Otherwise, I'd want to stay…
"Edward," Alice's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "Please think about it." Her voice was so soft; it almost sounded like she was begging.
"No," I whispered, and then I hung up before she could try to convince me any further.
I didn't go on another walk through the city. When I needed to hunt, I took the less crowded roads that led to the nearest forests- far away from most people and their uncalled for thoughts. The rest of my days were spent in my apartment, being a ghost.
Then, the next vision came to me a few weeks later.
It happened one night when I'd stepped into the shower. The feather light feeling of water hitting my flesh reminded me of Forks. My eyes closed as I pictured myself running through the fresh green woods, heading toward some place warm and familiar… familiar, and alive and beautiful. Then, the brown eyes reappeared before me again and I tried to bring my thoughts to something else: it was for her own good; she would live a long and healthy life, and then leave this world an old woman as every living being should. That was when all warmth of my current memories disappeared and was replaced by something cold and hard. Then, I no longer saw myself in the woods. Instead, I was in Forks cemetery, standing in the rain with a tomb stone right in front of me.
Isabella Marie Swan
Born September 13 1988
Died June 6 2073
Swan… She never married. Why was I sad to see that? A part of me wanted to acknowledge this vision as a good outcome. Maybe she still remembered me and continued to live for me. But if she lived a life on her own, just how much was she on her own? Did she have enough loved ones around, who cared for her? Well, of course she did- no one could refuse a person as wonderful as her. So why was I depressed to see this if it was what I'd planned for her all along? The hurt- it was too much to bare; yet this piece of stone seemed to leer at me like a dark, evil specter mocking in some demonic sing-song voice "You got what you wanted, but you lost what you had." The rain beat down on me harder and harder still. It hit the earth beneath me, pounding it way past a typical loamy state. I found myself sinking into the mud, into the grave where she had been laid. I was waist deep now, struggling to claw my way out. The rain only came down bigger, faster. The pain, the sinking, and the drowning- it all became too real, too overwhelming. I screamed.
The shower spout suffered from my outburst, and I had to stick with baths after that. This was getting ridiculous. Everything reminded me of her, and when I tried to look away, her eyes would take up my sight. And when I'd close my own eyes in attempts to escape hers, a nightmare would be there to greet me. The worst one yet had occurred another month or so after what happened in the shower.
It was short, but agonizing all the same. She was standing at the edge of a great precipice, looking at me longingly from over her shoulder.
"You left." she said in the saddest voice I had ever heard. "You left after telling me you didn't want me anymore. Before that, you once told me I was your life. You're gone now; so what does that make me?"
I wanted to tell her that she still meant everything to me, but for some reason I couldn't summon the words. Even if I could I'm not sure she would have heard me, considering how far away I was from her.
"If you don't want me anymore, then I guess I'm not your life anymore…" She took another step closer to the edge. I reached an arm out as if silently begging her to stop, not to jump. "You wanted me to be human." she murmured slowly, and then suddenly smiled wistfully at me. "Watch me." And she jumped.
I opened my eyes, gasping and clutching one hand over my chest. I slowly stood from my chair next to the window and made my way over to the sink. I splashed my face a couple of times and took some deep breaths to gather my thoughts. She wouldn't do that, I kept telling myself. She would never do that. Just then, the phone rang. At the time, I was willing to do anything to get my mind off of what my conscience had previously endured, so I answered…
And my whole world came crashing down.